#this is so serious even a major film account on Twitter announced it. they’re really taking this seriously it seems…

[theoldestsoultrilogy]

First and foremost, it saddens and sickens me to hear that yet another Hollywood child star has died. The world woke up to the shocking news this morning that, according to about 20 billion articles online which all contain a freakishly consistent uniformity,

“Cameron Boyce, best known for his roles in a number of Disney Channel films and television shows, has tragically passed away at the age of 20. According to Boyce’s family, the young actor, dancer and singer passed in his sleep after suffering a seizure, the result of an ongoing medical condition.”

This young, absolutely adorable, freckle-faced boy at the beginning of his life is now gone. For good. How are we to make sense of this utterly tragic news? But, what if I told you, like with most if not all child star deaths, all is not what it seems.

What if you knew there was more to the story? A lot more.

It took me less than 20 minutes of digging to connect Cameron Boyce to shady charities involved in child slavery, pedophiles and predators, and dicey elites like Richard Branson. All while the evil overlords at Google seem to have begun dramatically ratcheting up their control of the flow of information. These draconian measures seem to have increased in the past week, which was not a good one for squeaky clean, allegedly family friendly Disney.

https://twitter.com/Tiff_FitzHenry/status/1145017021794529281

Disney megastar Bella Thorne revealed that she was being molested from the time she was 6-14, AND EVERYONE AROUND HER KNEW, AND NO ONE DID ANYTHING.

I want you to think about that for a moment. Let it sink in. Who could or would allow the sexual abuse of a 6 year old to go on? Why might they do this?

Once you begin to allow yourself to mull these horrific questions, and mull them we must, you’ll start to find the timing of Cameron Boyce’s sudden death particularly odd. Are other Disney child stars, with stories like Bella’s to tell, becoming emboldened? Had Cameron experienced similar things? Did those closest to him turn a blind eye? How plausible is it that a person who’s been famous for 11 years dies suddenly of a supposed health condition that’s serious enough to take the life of a perfectly healthy-seeming 20 year old and yet this mystery condition has never been mentioned before? Not anywhere that I can find at least.

Today I just want to present you with 10 relevant facts you likely may not know about Cameron Boyce his career and the people who surrounded him, but as always I want you to draw your own conclusions, think for yourself, and feel free to share your thoughts with me on Twitter.

Start here: Cameron’s IMDB. It is extensive and includes not only a long list of Disney shows and films such as Jessie, Shake It Up, Good Luck Charlie, and the recent Descendants, but also Grown-Ups and Grown-Ups 2, a new TV series called Paradise City (a spin-off of the very obscure and not successful 2017 film American Satan) cause, obviously.

As well as films such as Mirror and Eagle Eye which Cameron starred in alongside fellow former Disney kid Shia LeBeouf

and Cory Booker’s reluctant “girlfriend” Rosario Dawson, whom an inside source has shared with me has no say in the situation whatsoever. A virtual slave.

https://twitter.com/Tiff_FitzHenry/status/1144082428551712768

Alright, here we go.

1. SOCIAL MEDIA DEATH HOAX IN 2017

When you start to understand more deeply that the information that reaches you is being shaped and molded in order to shape and mold YOU, and that celebrity influence is owned and controlled for the very same reason, you’ll begin to look at things like “leaked nudes” and even “death hoax’s and rumors” a little differently. You’ll start to consider that perhaps these are tools used to influence the influencers, to modify behavior when they’re off message, or stray from their instructed course. Here Cameron Boyce and his Descendants co-star Dove Cameron joking about the ‘death hoax.’

But can you imagine anything more traumatizing than seeing headlines tearing across the internet announcing your own death to the world? Consider the possibility that things like fear, humiliation, and loss of control are used to keep celebrities in line. Consider the possibility that this was a veiled threat.

Case in point, the front page headline on Snapchat the very next day after the recent bombshell Bella Thorne interview [posted above] went viral.

The humiliating ‘story’ was snagged from a random Instagram post back in 2016, but it just happened to be front page news the day that articles in major outlets were carrying the story of the revelations from her recent interview.

For the record, Bella herself retweeted the video of her interview from my original tweet. Kinda makes you think, right?

2. MEET KENNY ORTEGA

Friends, if you haven’t heard the name Kenny Ortega, I guarantee that you soon will. He is an A-list Hollywood Choreographer and Director whose #MeToo moment is rumored to be decades overdue. He is the Director of Cameron Boyce’s most recent Disney project, the Descendants (parts 1, 2 and 3) where he played the fictional son of Cruella De Vil.

With a long list of impressive credits including everything from Disney’s Newsies, and the mega-hit High School Musical franchise to Dirty Dancing, and Pretty in Pink, as well as a distinguished run directing iconic music videos and live tours for the likes of Gloria Estefan and Michael Jackson, Kenny Ortega is the Hollywood equivalent of a mafia ‘made man.’ As if to prove it, which the cult loves to publicly do, Netflix (cough cough the C.I.A.) just entered into a very lucrative multi-year overall deal with Ortega, announced April 9th 2019.

So, how does one become a ‘made-man’ in Hollywood?

There are several ways, all of which involve selling your soul.

One way is to appear as the key witness in the $40 million dollar wrongful death lawsuit brought by Michael Jackson’s mother and three children, and lobby on behalf of concert promoter AEG.

‘He wasn’t being very responsible!’ This Is It producer Kenny Ortega testifies Michael Jackson and Conrad Murray were to blame for untimely death

What’s the big deal anyway? Ortega’s longtime ‘friend’ and admitted ‘greatest inspiration’ is already dead, Dr. Murray is in prison and everyone who profited the most off MJ rode off into the proverbial sunset. Zero accountability. Suffice it to say, Kenny Ortega is on Paris Jackson’s very telling shit list, right next to Oprah and David Geffen.

3. CRAZY DAYS AND NIGHTS 

Another way to get on the inside of the Hollywood Prison Pyramid is to be a compromised and or compromise-able person (depending on what level you’re at.)

You see, Hollywood might look like it’s about movies and TV shows and acting and stuff, but it’s really just about something called “controlled influence.” It’s about owning and controlling all those who are ‘given’ the platform to influence YOU. In order to get that platform you have to be ‘willing to do anything.’ Even as a screenwriter with several hot projects, I was instructed to say these very words. Words which I was told, in no uncertain terms by my high powered agent, that the head executives at places like ABC (Disney) were waiting to hear me say. Yeah, let that sink in.

And, think about it, isn’t it easier to own people who routinely do things that could put them in jail if anyone ever found out? This is why sick degenerate behavior is rampant amongst the influential. They’re not only enabled to get away with it (see Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Louis C.K., James Gunn, Brett Ratner, Les Moonves, etc.,) criminal behavior is encouraged! Yes, Hollywood and Washington are a cesspool by design! Neat, right? 🙄

It’s my opinion that the death is referring to Cameron, the ‘director’ is Kenny Ortega, and the franchise is High School Musical or the Descendants, where underage actors and actresses were and are being ‘turned out’ — all as a part of this cesspool system. When it comes to the children, it’s the parents who sell their soul on their behalf.

There’s a long list of Creepy Kenny Ortega stuff to dig up, the latest clip wigging people out is his handsy way with Cameron Boyce’s Descendants co-star Dove Cameron.

Moving on.

4. THE KENNY ORTEGA JEFF BEZOS CONNECTION

As if you needed one more reason to claw and hiss at Kenny Ortega should you ever encounter him, he’s been involved with C.I.A. Amazon Jeff Bezo’s now ex-wife’s ‘anti-bullying’ organization, Bystander Revolution, which she founded in 2014 for whatever dumbass reason.

No seriously I bet this foundation is really changing the world you guys (she said SUPER sarcastically)

5. ORTEGA, EISNER, SANDLER OH MY!

You can learn a lot by who says what, and when. The very first ‘public figures to address Boyce’s death on social media this morning was Kenny Ortega, followed by Disney CEO Michael Eisner, and quickly thereafter by Adam Sandler. Sandler wrote, starred in and produced Grown-Ups and Grown-Ups 2; Cameron Boyce appears in both.

To the keen observer, this little tweet parade felt extremely coordinated, intentional and quite frankly pre-planned.

View this post on Instagram

My Love, Light and Prayers go out to Cameron and his Family. Cameron brought Love, Laughter and Compassion with him everyday I was in his presence. His talent, immeasurable. His kindness and generosity, overflowing. It has been an indescribable honor and pleasure to know and work with him. I will see you again in all things loving and beautiful my friend. I will search the stars for your light. Rest In Peace Cam. You will always be My Forever Boy! 💔

A post shared by Kenny Ortega (@kennyortegablog) on Jul 6, 2019 at 7:42pm PDT

“My forever boy.” Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.  Ortega later clarified that this was a Peter Pan reference, which makes it even worse if you understand the pedophile troupes in Peter Pan.

https://twitter.com/RobertIger/status/1147858501021995008

https://twitter.com/AdamSandler/status/1147859788794961921

Nice picture Adam, real subtle. Don’t worry, you’re ‘signal’ has been sent and received.

Adam is being such a good cabal puppet these days ya’ll.

Here you see he’s being rewarded:

Netflix reveals 30M accounts viewed Adam Sandler-led ‘Murder Mystery’

At a time when box office is limping along like the terminally wounded wildebeest it is, allegedly this film would have CRUSHED opening weekend, had it been released at the box office of course, which it wasn’t. I guess we’ll just have to take Netflix’s word for it since they (somehow) get to keep all their data to themselves for whatever as yet explained or justified reason! 👍

Now that I think about it, there’s someone else who does that too. They’re really powerful and super secretive, who is that again? Oh that’s right, it’s the C.I.A.! (Netflix is the C.I.A.)

I’m sure the fact that Murder Mystery was filmed at cabal kingpin George Clooney’s favorite lake in Italy where weird high brow art/child trafficking things go down, and written by an actual fucking Vanderbilt has nothing to do with anything.

I’m sure all that’s random. It’s not like there’s this handful of psychopathic elite bloodline families feasting on the blood of children who’ve held humanity hostage for generations or whatever.

Alright, onward internet friends. As you may have noticed, there are thousands of images of Cameron Boyce online. You have to really search to find this one where he’s got two fingers framing his left eye and covering his mouth, as if he’s been silenced by some group (hint: see above paragraph).

Well done, Adam. Good thinking choosing this picture to post alongside your tribute. This might even get you an Emmy nomination. You see, Adam isn’t bloodline, so he has to do stuff like this to keep his cult membership in good standings.

Note another very recent sudden celebrity death. This is Mac Miller’s final Instagram photo, which posted just hours before his death by ‘accidental overdose.’

Well would you look at that, 2 fingers framing his left eye, and his mouth covered. Almost as if it’s a sign to others not to speak out or they’ll whack you

Here’s the final Instagram picture Cameron “allegedly” posted of himself, also just hours before his death. There’s that left eyes again. Hmmmm.

6. CREEPY JOE BIDEN

Cameron introduced former Vice President Joe Biden at his Biden Courage Awards back in March. Today, Biden tweeted his condolences.

https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1147991178689810437

I think we can all agree that children and Joe Biden don’t mix.

6. HE RECENTLY FIRED HIS AGENT OVER SEX ASSAULT CHARGES

After Stranger Things child star Finn Wolfhard fired APA agent Tyler Grasham over sexual abuse allegations which came to light, Cameron, who was also represented by Grasham, fired him the same week.

However, in predictable Pedowood fashion, the LA prosecutor won’t prosecute the felony rape charges from multiple accusers. Now it looks like he’s escaped criminal charges altogether, and Hollywood is even looking at rehiring him in a talent agent capacity.

At this point, there’s no disputing that Hollywood protects pedophiles. The question you should be asking yourself is, why?

7. RECENTLY DISCUSSED THE DARK DAYS

“For about a year of my life, if I didn’t have to leave my house, I wouldn’t,” he said in a recent interview of his darkest period. “It was a bad way of dealing with fame, but it’s a scary feeling to know that everybody is looking at you all the time.” Cameron has learned to cope with it, though, and is adamant that he’ll use his platform of over 7 million Instagram followers for good. He’s started working with a charity called The Thirst Project, and is spreading the word about the group’s push to bring clean water to millions around the world who desperately need it.”

8. THE THIRST PROJECT / WE CHARITY

It appears that Cameron Boyce was involved with two separate but equally suspicious charities (side note: charities are just slush funds for rich people).

The Thirst Project’s list of partners includes the notoriously dicey Clinton Charities among multiple Hollywood studios. By its own admission they appear to be all about water but in reality focus most heavily on tailoring curriculum to influence political activism in school children in the United States (which is what the very powerful are most focused on right now).

Similarly, WE Charity, formerly known as Free The Children, is “an international development charity and youth empowerment movement founded in 1995 by human rights advocates Marc and Craig Kielburger. The organization implements development programs in Asia, Africa and Latin America, focusing on education, water, health, food and economic opportunity. It also runs domestic programming for young people in Canada, the U.S. and U.K., promoting service learning and active citizenship.”

So, the same thing.

This link is a must read eye-opening article about the 2 brothers who started We Charities – The Cult of Kielburger

We Charity – connected to child slavery  

We Charity is connected to Unilever, Microsoft

We Charity – connected to Richard Branson. The brothers co-authored a book with Holly Branson, daughter of Richard Branson. Richard and Holly also produced the docu-series Shameless Idealist with the We Charity founders.

I am certain there is much more to be unearthed down the rabbit hole of these two charitable foundations/elite slush funds. For Cameron’s part there’s a good chance he was either unaware of the corruption or if he was aware, involvement was not his choice but a decision that was made for him.

Side note, Necker Island (Branson’s) is about thirty five miles from Epstein’s island.

You know Jeffrey Epstein who was arrested Saturday and being arraigned as we speak for running an international child sex trafficking operation to entice, entrap and ensnare elites particularly in Hollywood, DC and the UK, in order for even more powerful people to control their influence. His indictment was unsealed at 9am this morning.

Is it all connected?

9. HOLLYWOOD GAY MAFIA

Michael Ovitz, once President of Disney and founder of Hollywood mega agency CAA, who was run out of town, famously said that Hollywood is run by a cabal led by  Dreamworks co-founder David Geffen which Ovitz described as the “gay mafia.”

Here’s a little deep dive on Geffen/Oprah

In addition to Geffen, the list he rattled off of this “gay mafia” included The New York Times Hollywood correspondent Bernie Weinraub, Disney Chairman (and former employer) Michael Eisner; Bryan Lourd, Kevin Huvane, and Richard Lovett, partners at CAA, Universal Studios president Ronald Meyer (Ovitz’s former partner at CAA); and Barry Diller.

In regard to Cameron, I can’t help but think twice about the very first episode of Disney show Jessie, his break out role. For a good portion of the episode, he’s in his underwear.

It is no secret that young boys are systemically abused in Hollywood, but how deep does all this really go?

10. DEBBY RYAN

Cameron’s Jessie co-star Debby Ryan started her career on Barney and Friends

Alongside future Disney starlets Selina Gomez

And Demi Lovato

If you remember, the actor who played Barney was arrested for selling child pornography of children as young as 10.

After that, Debby Ryan had a stint on the Disney show Suite Life on Deck for which Disney hired Brian Peck to work as dialogue coach with the kids, after he’d been to jail for child molestation and was a registered sex offender.

Yes, you heard that right.

Disney hired a convicted child sex predator and registered sex offender to work on their children’s show. Did I mention he was hired specifically to work with children?

Brian Peck remains a registered sex offender to this day and was still being employed by Hollywood as recently as 2016.

Ryan was also featured on The Jonas Brother’s, Wizards of Waverly Place and Hannah Montana before getting her big break and a starring role in her own Disney Channel show, Jessie.

We’ve all watched the personal issues Gomez, Lovato and Debby Ryan have had over the years. It’s time we understand what we’re looking at, a system I call The Prison Pyramid.

Conclusion

I hope you’ll dig further into all these data points and start to connect all the dots that need connecting. Cameron Boyce’s death strikes at the heart of why I’m building a new Hollywood. 

Love and Light to all.

In Unconditional Love,

Tiffany

    Cameron Boyce, Pedowood, and The Disney Death Machine First and foremost, it saddens and sickens me to hear that yet another Hollywood child star has died.

[recentanimenews]

Let’s Explore the Wondrous Wintry Figures from Wonder Festival 2020

  Wonder Festival is one of the biggest figure events of the year, showcasing all the latest and upcoming figures from all the major creators in the space. Held twice a year—once during the summer (of which you can read 2019’s report here) and once during the winter at Makuhari Messe outside of Tokyo—you’ll be astounded by the level of detail in some of these figures—I sure was! This year’s event took place on February 9.

    Before we take a look at some of the best figures on show, there was something more serious overshadowing the festival this time ‘round. Wonder Festival in winter is supposed to the bigger of the two events, due to the milder weather and time of the year, but this wasn’t the case. With the coronavirus currently sweeping through the world, and Japan being one of the biggest outbreaks outside of China, tensions felt high and attendance felt low. The official Twitter account for Wonder Festival even outlined the precautionary measures the festival was taking to help combat anything that could go wrong, and discredit any rumors. Masks and hand sanitizer were provided at all entrances, exits, and many other locations.

    After last year’s lack of figures from the hit anime and manga series, Demon Slayer: Kimestu no Yaiba was out in full force with figures everywhere, including some prototypes that weren’t allowed to be photographed! To start with are the above SegaPrize figures of Tanjiro, Inosuke, Zenitsu, and Nezuko, meant for UFO catchers in the arcades. Nezuko’s isn’t painted yet, but I’m sure she’ll be ready for the upcoming film, Mugen Train, when that releases.

    The newly announced Giyu figure had his acrylic prototype on display next to the in-production models of Zenitsu and Inosuke, both unpainted. Release dates for all of these figures haven’t been announced yet, but they should be popular when they do.

    Behind the Nendoroids were in-production models of the first Pocket Maquette Demon Slayer collection. These will be mainly sold as capsule toys or as a set in the future.

      To celebrate the series, and the upcoming release of the Tanjiro and Nezuko Nendoroids, both were used in this action set that was just so much fun to photograph!

      On display at the Good Smile booth was a collection of all the Persona 5 figmas that have been released, or will be released—including an acrylic prototype of Akechi!

      In the same area was an in-production, uncolored model of Kasumi from Persona 5 Royal in her school uniform from Phat!. Behind Kasumi was a Persona 5 Dancing All Night Ann, in her dancing outfit from the game. At one of the closed-off 18+ booths, they were also showing off an Ann figure in her dominatrix outfit from the same game, though they weren’t allowing pictures.

    Fans of Kasumi in her Phantom Thief gear would be happy to know that there is a figure of her in the outfit coming, and it looks spectacular.

    What else was spectacular was the amount of Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World- figures and statues on the show floor, with the above being the biggest.

      Don’t worry, though, because the majestic Crystal Dress Rem also comes in a more manageable figure size. Both it and the Crystal Dress Emilia (above) are from the new Shibuya Scramble Figure line, named after the famous crossing in Shibuya. While they fetch a hefty price tag of over 30,000 yen (US$280) each, by the looks of them, they’re worth it.

      Not to be outdone, these Tea Party Re:ZERO figures from KDColle were some of the nicest on show. They were even shown in two places on the Wonder Festival floor! The Beatrice figure is brand new and was only shown in KDColle’s main area.

    KDColle announced a few weeks ago these birthday versions of Rem and Ram, initially used as part of the visual for their birthday celebrations at Shibuya Marui this year. The figures, as a set, won’t be released until November so being able to see them here was a nice surprise!

    Alongside them were these newly announced prototypes of Rem and Ram yurumari figures, the first of a new line of chibi-style figures from Fine Clover (in partnership with Good Smile).

      Keeping up with the Rem and Ram theme were these two 1/1 scale busts of the girls from Re:ZERO from F:NEX. The Rem bust was released in October, but this is the first proper showing of the Ram bust, which was supposed to be released in January before production was delayed to March.

    Other than the Crystal Dress versions of Rem and Emilia, Shibuya Scramble Figures brings in Ram and creates an idol figure formation group with all three characters from Re:ZERO, in some of the best-looking prototypes I’ve ever seen.

      Shibuya Scramble didn't stop there with some of the best looking figures on the show floor, with them flexing hard with how detailed their Alice and Asuna from Sword Art Online Alicization War of Underworld prototypes are. It’s crazy how good these figures look!

      Though those figures have nothing on the above figures of Casca from Berserk and the guys from Death Stranding, both being exhibited by Prime Studios near the start of the festival.

    But by far, my favorite display in the entire hall was the recreation of the scene shown off for the upcoming Evangelion 3.0+1.0 film, with Mari’s pink Evangelion unit being attacked whilst throwing what looks like the Eiffel Tower at an AT Field. Of course, this was only a display and sadly won’t be for sale.

    What will be for sale are these two newly designed Evangelions. I’m not sure what they’re for, or if they’ll appear in the upcoming film, but for prototypes, they’re incredibly detailed.

    And this unbearably adorable, and quite large, Lego-like Bearbrick Unit 01 that was showcased at the Evangelion booth!

    SEGA is getting in on the Evangelion craze that’ll sweep Japan later this year with new releases of what looks like Evangelion 3.33 versions of Rei, Asuka, and Mari, which will appear in arcades over the coming year as a series. Though I could be wrong and they could be new...

    Separate from the above series is this Asuka SEGA price figure, on her own, as she likes it, with a spear.

      EmonToys sparked my interest with these figures from the A Certain Magical Index anime franchise, showing off an in-prototype version of Misaka Mikoto from the currently airing A Certain Scientific Railgun, in her signature pose, and Accelerator in his winter outfit as seen in the latest A Certain Magical Index series, posing with his vectors.

    Finally, I looked high and low for a figure from one of my favorite series from last year, Dr. STONE, and the only one I was able to find was the above figure of Kohaku with Suika’s melon. While it was the only figure I could find, I’m in love with the pose she’s making and cannot wait to see the full painted figure.

    I always love wandering around Wonder Festival and seeing the creativity on display. You can feel the heart (and sweat) that goes into designing some of these figures, and while I know they’re made mostly to be sold commercially, you can feel the care and thought that goes into the creation of them. It’s also really sweet seeing some of the designers walking around the show floor going gaga over different figures.

  The next big Wonder Festival showcase this year will be a special Evangelion themed festival on June 13 and 14, just before Evangelion 3.0+1.0 is released in cinemas!

  So, Crunchies, are there any of the above figures that sparked your interest? Maybe another that was announced? Let us know on social media, or down in the comments below!

  ----

Daryl Harding is a Japan Correspondent for Crunchyroll News. He also runs the YouTube channel about Japan stuff called TheDoctorDazza, tweets at @DoctorDazza and posts photos of his travels on Instagram. He needs more money to spend on all these figures!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[junker-town]

What if the NFL adopted XFL jersey rules for a week?

If MLB can do it, so can the NFL.

The NFL has finally decided to take advice from Aaron Rodgers and R-E-L-A-X. Certain celebrations are now allowed, gloriously flag free. Personalized pregame cleats won’t get a player fined, so long as they’re not offensive. "My Cleats, My Cause" week, when players can wear custom game cleats to show support for charitable causes, will be back for another year.

Although the NFL has taken baby steps in the fun department, there’s one thing it hasn’t allowed yet: XFL-style jerseys. But for the next few days, Major League Baseball will during its inaugural Players Weekend. Players for all 30 MLB teams — minus a few party poopers — will wear jerseys with their nicknames on the back, along with other uniforms tweaks like colorful hats and batting gloves that will later be auctioned off for charity.

The NFL should follow suit and declare its own Players Weekend. Sure, no one is ever going to top He Hate Me, but the league isn’t short on players with creative nicknames, and it’d give the players another rare chance to let their individuality flow. Shoot, you might even learn a nickname or two that you didn’t know about.

Here are some that jerseys you could expect to see — and some you may not — if the NFL ever decided to pay homage to the gone, but not forgotten, XFL.

Nicknames we know and love

You’re all familiar with these nicknames — and they’d look baller on the back of a jersey.

Marshawn Lynch - Beast Mode

So iconic, it’s trademarked. It’s good to have him back.

Julio Jones - Jet

Julio Jones has gotten really into his “Jet” nickname. A quick scan of Jones’ Twitter account reveals that he’s even started his own hashtag, #JetLife, to celebrate the name. His new line of apparel is centered around his Jet persona, too. There’s no question that Jones would jump at the chance to show off his nickname during a game, too.

Odell Beckham Jr. - OBJ or ODB

OK, so it’s time to decide once and for all which it is. Pick one, man!

DeAndre Hopkins - Nuk

Nowadays this might make some folks a little uneasy, but there’s an innocent origin story behind the nickname: Hopkins’ mom gave it to him when he was a baby because “NUK” was the only brand of pacifier he would use.

Teddy Bridgewater - Gump

Bridgewater’s nickname began in high school as a reference to Forrest Gump, a movie that somehow beat out The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective for Best Picture in 1994. But it soon became an acronym:

"Teddy Gump" lol. #GUMP - Great Under Major Pressure. #CallGod http://pic.twitter.com/vymQ076dnx

— Teddy Bridgewater (@teddyb_h2o) June 1, 2016

Honestly, we just want Teddy’s knee to fully heal so he can “Run, Forrest, run” again.

Colin Kaepernick - Kap

We know Kaepernick isn’t currently on a team — for non-football reasons — but hopefully he would be by the time this theoretical weekend happens. And then he can reshare this very important public service announcement:

PSA: Just for clarity it's Kap not Kaep

— Colin Kaepernick (@Kaepernick7) September 7, 2013

It’s Kap, not Kaep. KAP KAP KAP KAP KAP.

Charlie Whitehurst - Clipboard Jesus

Whitehurst is another quarterback who is currently not on a roster — for football reasons, though. Whitehurst’s long brown hair has drawn comparisons to Jesus, and the clipboard he holds as a permanent backup just makes it even better. We hope some team would sign him, solely because we want to see this nickname stitched on an official NFL jersey.

Doug Martin - Muscle Hamster

Martin hates this nickname, which is a shame because it’s an all-timer. As long as the XFL game isn’t one of the first three this season — he’s suspended after violating the league’s substance abuse policy — he’d have the opportunity to make “Muscle Hamster” one of the top-selling jerseys in league history.

Nicknames we have never heard anyone use

Would anyone still recognize these players if they donned a jersey with an obscure nickname on it? (The answer is yes. They’re all very famous, or in the case of Ryan Fitzpatrick, quasi-famous.)

Tom Brady - The Pharaoh

You may know him as Tom Terrific, or Touchdown Tom, or TB12, or The GOAT. But his former teammate Brandon Spikes called Brady “The Pharaoh.” Pharaohs ran ancient Egypt, and Brady pretty much runs the NFL, so it fits — even if no one else ever uses it.

J.J. Watt - The Milkman

J.J. — short for “Justin James” — is itself a nickname. How many does one man need?

MilkMan, MegaWatt, call me whatever you'd like, but nicknames don't mean anything on the field. It's all about the work you put in! #DBWH

— JJ Watt (@JJWatt) January 12, 2012

Apparently three, one for each Defensive Player of the Year awards he has.

Dak Prescott - The Fortress

We thought Dak was the only nickname Prescott had, but according to Pro Football Reference, “The Fortress” is another.

It’s kind of a strange moniker for a quarterback — “fortress” would seem to fit the Cowboys’ OL better. But Dak set so many rookie records that we’ll allow it

Ryan Fitzpatrick - The Amish Rifle

We know him better as Fitzmagic, but it would seem Fitzpatrick committed the ultimate faux pas of nicknaming himself years ago. He isn’t Amish, but he’s got the kind of facial hair that would fit right in in Pennsylvania Dutch Country.

HBO - Hard Knocks

After last year’s six-interception game with the Jets, he probably considered moving to a small farm community where they have no televisions or internet.

Nicknames players SHOULD have

As far as we know, no one actually calls these players any of the following names. That’s not going to stop us from recommending a few that would give these baseball players a run for their money.

Jay Cutler - Jay Buttler

I mean ...

Chad Henne - Hennessy

Henne’s about to get some serious burn in Jacksonville. His name sounds like the abbreviated version of the beautiful cognac that is Hennessy. Perhaps if his name was spelled “Henny” like the drink, he’d be a better quarterback.

Blake Bortles - Bortles & James

Just like the famous wine cooler, Bortles is a watered-down mistake trying to act like the genuine artifact.

But let’s face it: no matter who’s under center in Jacksonville, he’s going to drive Jags fans to drink.

Tom Savage - Cameron Poe

Or Castor Troy. Or Stanley Goodspeed. Or H.I. McDunnough, if you’re only into good films.

Guy looks like Nicolas Cage, is what I’m trying to say.

How did none of you tell me that Tom Savage looks like Nicolas Cage? http://pic.twitter.com/HaCU5VhOXf

— Benjamin Solak (@BenjaminSolak) August 24, 2017

Khalil Mack - Mack Truck

This one is a little on the nose, but hey, he hits like a Mack Truck and has the endorsement deal all locked up.

Excited to be partnering with @macktrucks #NewMack. Check it out: https://t.co/SL1bPNuIpu

— Khalil Mack (@52Mack_) July 19, 2017

Jake Butt - James Anus

It’s tough to improve on perfection. At the very least it would be a good name for checking in to foreign hotels.