#this is the tastiest concept dont mind me

[everythingunrequited]

I have never felt this way towards anybody ever before. I never felt this security, the feeling of being understood, the feeling of being seen. Until I met you, I was someone who was just a passersby to everybody’s life. Nobody stayed, nobody dared to dive with me. But you came, you broke my walls one brick at a time until you saw me at my most vulnerable state.

I love you is somehow an understatement. This feelng I have is bigger than I’ll ever understand. Bigger than me. This feeling is something I don’t ever want to lose. You’re the person I don’t ever want to lose. 

I can never pinpoint when I felt this way towards you. i mean, sure, i’ve been into you for a long time but this one right now is different. I feel different, i feel capable, i feel powerful. Sometimes, it overwhelms me and scares me how i can have this much feeling towards someone. For years, i’ve know that i have all these love that i can give, i have all thse love and affection inside but no one to give it to until you came. all you needed to do was knock and it all kept flowing.

Being away from you made me realize a lot of things. 

I can live without you, yes. I can survive without you, yes. But i don’t want to. Our life together was nowhere perfect but it was more than i could ever ask for. Waking up beside you, looking at your peaceful face. everytime i open my eyes and i see you beside me, i feel like i can survive this. everytime i see you, the voices fade away. they know that they can never do anything while you’re on my side. i feel safe, i feel secure, i feel okay. being away from you, i managed to hushed the voices down. but it’s never the same. the voices are out but i still feel unsafe. everyday is a dream wtih you. yes, we fight, aggresively at that. but somehow im grateful that we do because i know we are trying to make it work. the fights are terrible but im not backing away. everytime you cook me something, it’s like the tastiest meal i ever had. explains why i got fat too, my big appetite is being spoiled by your cooking skills. everytime you kiss me while you’re still sleeping erases all my inhibitions about myself. everytime you look at me with affection, i know im enough. for the first time, i know im enough. i know i deserve this love. i know i deserve something good in life. i love your hands. it’s something i want to hold on to forever. i want to hold it while i jump for my wins in life, i want to hold it while i cry my heart out, i want to hold your hands when im unsure and unsteady. i want to hold your hands everyday, feel the roughness, feel how big it is, feel hwo safe i am with those two hands. the hugs you give are the best. it’s perfect, not too tight that it’s suffocating, not too wide that i don’t feel anything. you are not a hugger person but you know the perfect moments that i need hugs. you know the moments when i feel weak and all i need are your hugs. you stop your work to give me hugs and cuddles, to help me sleep. you pause whatever you’re doing because you know i need you by my side. you let me hug you whenever i want. kiss you whenever i want even though you are too busy. Everything about us, i’ve been dreaming about it for years. Now that i’ve seen how colorful life is with you, i dont ever want to lose it.

I am not building my life around you, i am bulding my life with you. you may think that im too dependent on you, on this relationship. you may have a point but that’s not entirely true. i can still feed myself without you, i can still do the laundry, go by my day, be responsible, make my own decision. but it’s so much better when im with you. i ask you with all the decisions that im making not because i can’t make any decision, but because i want to hear what you think. i may have reached to a point where i felt complacent and depended too much on you but that doesn’t mean that i can’t do things anymore. it’s nice being taken care of. it’s nice knowing that someone is thinking what we’ll be eating. it’s nice to just sit while someone is doing things for you. it’s nice going to a hotel and you are not responsible for the logistics. it’s nice going out knowing you don’t plan everything out all on your own. it’s nice having someone you can ask about everything. it’s nice having someone you can depend on. this relationship for me is the relationship i want to last for years that’s why im anchoring my decisions around this relationship and with you.

i also realized that i was naive. i was ungrateful. i stubborn. i was blind. and i am sorry. i had all the lapses staring in front of me but i was too caught up in my own thoughts i never realized how difficult it was for you. i am sorry for not appreciating you enough. i am sorry for not appreciating the things you do for me, the cooking, the pep talks, the letting me decide what to watch, the blackpink all day, all the questions i ask, taking a bath with me even though you’re still working, pausing work just to let me sleep, adjusting your body clock to match mine, going out because i was suffocated inside, all the eat outs, all the unneccesary gasto. im sorry i haven’t appreciated enough all the things you do for me that i don’t notice. all the unspoken adjustments you did and still doing for me. I am sorry for not ebing grateful enough for all the sacrifices you make. for all the pep talks. for letting me squeeze your hands. for letting me feel my emotions. for understanding my unreasonable anger. for understanding me and how difficult i am to be with. for staying. for letting me stay. for being there even in the darkest times. for still being here even when your world inside is falling apart. i haven’t tahnked you enough for always making sure im okay even though you’re crumbling inside. for always making me your first priority, for making me feel like the most important person in the world. for giving me all that you have. for doing the best that you can do. for all the sleepless nights, for all the quarrels, for th elittle misunderstanding. for everything in between. im sorry i took so much of you to repair me and now you’re broken. im sorry for being so demanding, for asking too much, for being too much. im sorry i made you feel like you were never enough. im sorry. im sorry. you are enough langga, please believe me when i say that. more than enough. i can never say sorry enough for all the things i put you through, for all the things i’ve caused you, for all the times i hurt you, for all the times you felt like you needed to give me more.

i love you more than anything. i love the way the side of your mouth wrinkles when you talk. i love the way you unconsciouly lick your lips when you’re talking about smething you’re so passionate about (you don’t do this over light topics so im not sure if you’re self conscious, nervouse or anxious hehe). I love the way you cook eggs. i love how i feel so enlightened when i talk to you. i love your hands. i love the way you know what you want. i love your mindset. i love your goals. i love the way you don’t think about the future(contraty to me, it’s refereshing tbh). i love the way you randomly get your guitar and play random music. i love the way you watch blackpink with me. i love the way you say yes to my crazy plans. i love the way you encourage me to do stupid decisions (i.e. IG shopping). i love how you hate talking to your mom about political stuff but you’re still patient. i love the way you simplify concepts to me. i love how you give me answers that are so obvious but im just in denial. i love the dips you make. i love your frustration when the food you cook is bad. i love how unbothered you are. i love your hugs. i love your kisses. i love your random sungog. i love your lambing. i love how you push me. i love how you give me coonfidence and erases my hesitations. i love how you budget your money. i love how you appreciate art. i could have an endless list of the things i love about you. some things i may not know yet or doesn’t have a name for it yet but it’s all here in my mind and heart or wherever it is stored.

i love you and i love us. life with you has this particular set of colors i’ve grown to love. and i want to live in our little bubble for as long as i can still remember my name. i want you to be part of my life. i want you to be there when i can finally be in 1 job for a year. i want you to be there when i have so many emails i can’t breathe anymore. i want you to be there when i can watch BP’’s concert live. i want you to be there when im confient to wear bikini again. i want you to be there when i visit my father again. i want you to see my younger siblings. i want you to be there when i go hoome to leyte. or go to manila. siquijor. bohol. siargao. and many other places i wanna go. i want you to be there when im sure of what i want in my life. i want you to be here with me. 5, 10 , 25, 50 years from now. have our own little family. grow old together. but mostly, i want you to be there when i wake up everyday. i want a life with you. i want you. i want us. 

i love you so much.