#this is... so vaguely articulated but i don't think agonizing over how to express it better/more thoroughly is the best use of my time

[fatalism-and-villainy]

Anyway, hello all - here's the state of the Alpha.

I ended up taking an impromptu tumblr break for most of March, and my desire to post about stuff that is not Hannibal has taken a serious nosedive. It's been a long time since I've been so enthusiastic about a fandom - I didn't realize the degree to which I'd been participating out of obligation before, and how stagnant I was feeling about the kind of stuff that's been on my dash. I really feel like I'm having a completely fresh start, and that I've found something that's just for me, and that I don't feel pressure to tailor to my existing followers/context. And it's something that's the perfect balance for me - it appeals to my id, and it has an artistic/storytelling sensibility that I respect. Rewatching it has just been the gift that keeps on giving for me - I'm feeling the need to write mini essays for the first time in ages, not out of a internally-imposed pressure to produce content, but just because I want to and I'm enthusiastic. And working on fic for it has brought me a lot of joy as well. It... genuinely feels like falling in love again.

(This really goes to show how life-context dependent one's relationship with media is - though I'd seen the show before, I think the place I'm at now of a) the concept of kink being sexy being much more at the forefront of my mind, b) being more into film and visual media, and c) having more of a background now in camp and decadent literature, has given me much more of a framework for understanding and appreciating what the show is doing.)

This has prompted me to reflect on the state of fandom right now, and my relationship with it, and how I might best want to move forward with how I engage with it. I haven't come to a solid conclusion about that yet.

Anyway, tumblr, and the way I interact with it, have been a source of consternation for me over the past year or so. But I think finding a new fandom outlet that I'm really passionate about has given me a framework for engagement, for now. And I think I've found a way to somewhat quell the anxiety cycle/need to be engaged here 24/7 that I think was weighing me down before.

My hope is that I can enjoy myself for as long as I can with this interest, without either becoming too insular about it, or too enmeshed in fandom wank and detached from the source material's quality and personal significance to me.