#this mental breakdown brought to you by the 10 weeks of intense study of racism in America that I've done for a class

[jankwritten]

having a hard time existing alone in my head rn so I'm jut gonna kind of dump all of my stressed out bullshit into this post so I can stop just having it all ricochet around in there sorry about that let's hope this immediately gets buried. I don't want to post it but I know that if I don't post it it's going to sit in the back of my mind and I hate that so I just gotta fuckin hit the button and hope nobody reads this WAHOO.

grey is oversharing on the internet again, who woulda guessed. i think part of why i feel the need to post this is because somebody else might feel the same in some capacity and therefore I won't feel so alone. hm. either way: don't read this if you're uncomfortable with strangers on the internet being stupidly open about cringey thoughts and feelings. don't read this if you get secondhand embarrassment either lmao.

edit: the fact that a sugardaddy bot thing just commented on this has reminded me of the absurd beauty that is reality.

i'm having one of those days where everything feels like it's my fault no matter how much I tell myself that it isn't and that it's largely selfish of me to think that I matter so much that I'm the one causing everybody all of their problems. i know that's not true. I know that I might have CONTRIBUTED to some of it by being careless but that doesn't automatically mean that I caused it or it's entirely my fault and that's really hard to contend with for some reason.

i'm terrified that all of my friends and family hate me all of a sudden because I know they don't.

i can't do my homework because my ADHD is out of control and I feel like I'm numb and floating out of my own head every time I even sit and TRY to concentrate on the readings I should have done 4 days ago. I will do my homework and it will take me 3 hours longer than it normally does and that's okay but it doesn't feel like it's okay and I can't control it because everyone i talk to in any medical or serious capacity doesn't seem to take me seriously when I say I think I have ADHD or autism or SOMETHING that does this to me, because I have a 4.0, and I get nothing but As, and that's because I have crippling anxiety that balances it out.

I only just today learned that it's OKAY to tell people when you might not be around much because you're having a bad day. if I start doing that too I feel like i'll just use it like a crutch and never talk to anybody again even though i love talking to people.

i feel like i'm messed up but not messed up enough to really SAY that I'm messed up because all I'm messed up is in my own head and I DID IT to myself, nobody else did it. i'm fucked up in a way that doesn't make sense when I try to explain it because the way it is is just ME, in my OWN HEAD, saying this shit and coming up with things and not being able to forget it or stop thinking about it until it haunts me. maybe that's just what having anxiety is but wow does it feel fucking isolating. like no, my parents never abused me or neglected me, but I grew up terrified that there was always the possibility that they COULD and I got it into my head that there is ALWAYS going to be that possibility which means that I always have to be on my guard and always being the best person I can be so I at least know that when it happens it's not because I deserve it.

i keep looking over at my door expecting someone to walk in and catch me crying about all this and I'm so scared of that that I'm holding off tears in the privacy of my own space for the fear of it. like that can't be normal, can it?

none of this to mention the fact that I think when I got COVID it majorly fucked with my memory and COVID isolation/quarantine for the past 2 years really sapped all of my social understanding and awareness and now every time I leave the house I'm TERRIFIED of having to interact with other people because I just flat out don't know how. i don't really remember anything anymore. what I do remember is always the most anxious parts, the scariest parts because they are what made me feel the most.

ugh. I think everything has been building up to today for weeks now lmao i'm finishing school next week and I'm going to be free for the first time since fuck knows when and I am BRUTALLY TERRIFIED of what comes next. i have all of these obligations and things I need to finish for school too that keep slipping my mind, not to mention the things I need to do for IRL.