#though i dont think marco would send that he's sweet

[tangledstarlight]

choices we make (they can define us)

SPOILERS for nemesis games and babylon's ashes. seven years after the ships vanished through the gate, filip makes a call that he should have a long time ago.

' He couldn’t change things with Marco. It was a ship that had long since sailed and vanished. But Naomi was still out there. If he wanted to, he could try to talk to her. To reach out and try to salvage the remains of a relationship they barely had to begin with. '

i just wanted a filip and naomi reunion moment in ab or pr or a whole novella i dont care so i made it myself ok. (first time i’ve done an expanse fic so like. be nice? ikd) 

also on ao3

Filip.

His name had been Filip Inaros once upon a time. He had meant to be part of something big, something amazing, something history altering.

And then he hadn’t been.

He had met his mother. He had met the people his actions affected. He had seen the destruction and wreckage he had caused in a new light. He had let the little voice in the back of his mind to get a foothold and power through.

He had thrown away his gun, his terminal, his uniform. He had thrown away his name.

As far as anyone knew, Filip Inaros had vanished and died through the ring gates with the remnants of the Free Navy and Marco. In a way, he supposed it was true. If you wanted the solar system and its inhabitants to think you were dead, there wasn’t really a more spectacular way to do so.

He had been sitting in the waiting area of the workers union, his attention, like everyone else's, had been on the screens showing fifteen ships speeding for the ring gate and the certain destruction of the lone gun ship on the other side. Filip doubted anyone else in the room had known the true significance of Marco’s hatred for the Rocinante and her crew.

And then all fifteen ships had vanished. Between one blink and the next. There then gone.

Filip could still remember the silence that had fallen over the room, over the whole station. Everything that happened after that was a blur. He couldn’t remember getting his job assignment. Or when he moved into a tiny crappy hole in the worst part of the station. For long months he just went through the motions of living while his brain came to terms with the sudden gaping loss in his life, his heart.

He should have been on the ship. Should have been strapped into one of the crash couches next to Marco. Should have vanished into atoms along with the rest of them. Should have. Should have . Should have . On repeat in his brain.

News of the Rocinante making its way back to Sol for some big important meeting broke through the fog in his mind. Life was still going on. People were scrambling and trying to fix all the problems Marco and his Free Navy had left behind. It was the first time he remembers hating him, for caring more about them and ‘wrongs’ they had caused him instead of the Belt.

They were supposed to show the Inners their strength, to build a better future for all Belters, do something history altering. All Marco managed to do was destroy the Earth and leave everyone on the verge of collapse and death, at the mercy of the Inners. All because Naomi Nagata had walked away from him twice and never looked back. He wanted to hate her for it too, but he couldn’t find the hate for her anymore.

Where they should have been celebrating victory, freedom, only Filip stood. Doing what he could to help fix the station he had helped wreck on his fifteenth birthday.

Because Filip Inaros had been meant to be part of this something big, something amazing, something history altering. And it hadn’t happened. It was a dream lost to the void and it’s place taken by Filip Nagata who wanted to try and ease the guilt simmering in his chest, wanted to be no one important, wanted to live his life based on his own choices.

Working on environmental systems was something he knew how to do, knew how to fix and improve. It gave his life a sense of monotony and he couldn’t complain. It was what he had chosen to do. But when the announcements came through that the newly formed Transport Union was looking to hire on crew for some of its new ships, Filip felt a longing for ship life he hadn’t even known was there.

 He wanted to be part of a crew again.

So he had signed up. No one had even looked at him twice when the name Filip Nagata was called and he found himself stretching out on his new bunk, smiling at the sounds of a ship around him.

He was pretty sure, if Marco was alive and could see him working for the union that had been James fucking Holden’s idea, he would have found himself in an airlock and a countdown to put on a vac suit. But Marco was gone – had been assumed dead for five years and counting – and the Belt had found its saviour in Michino Pa and a peace with the Inners even he couldn’t deny was beneficial to everyone.

They’d done everything Marco had promised, raised the Belt up from the ashes and gave them a voice. Made them strong and important in the new world order. Sometimes he wondered what Marco would think.

Alaya was born on Mars but had lived and worked on Ceres since she was fourteen and her family had relocated. She was part of the maintenance crew on the ship and they first met when Filip dropped noodles on her foot. She was sweet and funny, didn’t mind when he went quiet or that there were parts of his past he couldn’t talk about. She introduced him to new music and Martian shows he begrudgingly found funny, she was the first person he had been with for longer than a few nights before having to leave.

He was pretty sure he loved her.

So when the news came that her mother was dying and that she needed to come home, Filip went with her without a second thought.

Though the second thought came while they were in the middle of docking and he remembered Anderson Dawes banning him from Ceres for shooting a security officer and he wondered if anyone would recognise him despite the time that had passed and the change of his name.

Filip didn’t want his past to be revealed to Alaya because he was getting arrested or deported. The thought came that maybe it was time to tell her everything. Unburden his soul and hope she was there to catch him if he fell.

Seeing Alaya with her parents, the way they hugged each other, smiled and asked how she was, listened to her tell stories from the ship, it made Filip realise he had never really experienced it. The unconditional love of a family unit.

Because he had Marco by his side his whole life teaching him, helping him, preparing him for a life as a Belter in an self made army. He had spent his childhood on ships and surrounded by people who said they loved him and cared about him like family. But Marco had never sat down and listened to him talk the way he was seeing now. Never asked him what he wanted to do with his life. And he would never get the chance to change that now.

Because Naomi had left before he could really remember her, forced out by someone trying to make her someone she wasn’t. Forced to leave him behind because everyone said she was crazy for not wanting to kill Inners like a true Belter. And Filip was old enough now, had had enough time to think about the past to realise how much it had probably hurt her to leave him behind, how much strength it had probably taken to keep living after. He couldn’t hate her for it anymore. But he wasn’t sure if he was ready to wholly forgive her either.

He couldn’t change things with Marco. It was a ship that had long since sailed and vanished. But Naomi was still out there. If he wanted to, he could try to talk to her. To reach out and try to salvage the remains of a relationship they barely had to begin with.

The whole idea was terrifying.

He found a secluded corner and opened up a new comm and looked at himself in the little viewing window. His hair had grown longer after months on the ship and there were signs of patches of hair on his face from the beard he was attempting to grow. He wondered if she would recognise him. He found himself hoping she would. If he sent the message it would leave the choice up to her about what happened next.

Maybe she wouldn’t even care.

He needed to know if she cared.

“Naomi, it’s Filip. Thought I should tell you I never got on the Pella when he went after you. Know I should have sent this long time ago and but I–” he paused looking away from the terminal and tried to find the right words for what he wanted to say. Seven years of emotions wanting to spill out. “Didn’t know if you’d want to know. Didn’t know how to say it, yeah? Told me to find you if I wanted to die. Didn’t want to die, me, just wanted out. So got out. Spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I am in the last few years. Got people I care about, people who care about me. Want to be someone who helps fix things, not break them. And wanted you to know that I’m okay,” It seemed like an insignificant explanation but it was the best he could do. “That I’m living a life I like. Been thinking me, yeah? On Ceres for a while, lots of time to think about things. About the past. Me and you, if you wanted, still chance to get to know each other, yeah? Past is past but we still got chance for a future maybe.”

Filip looked at himself in the viewing window, trying to decide if there was anything else he wanted to say. He could still delete the message, push his terminal back in his pocket and pretend he’d never thought about it. But then he remembered watching Alaya and her mom just that morning as they drank coffee and talked quietly together about plans they might not get to have.

He pressed send and tried not to think about it for the rest of the day.

☆☆☆

Naomi.

The message came through while Naomi was alone on the ops deck and in the middle of checking through their inventory, flagging what they needed to get once they hit Ceres. She had been expecting a response from someone about discounted replacement parts so hit play without checking the recipient. Her heart stuttered a beat as Filips voice filled the silence.

“Naomi, it’s Filip. Thought I should tell you…” She stopped listening. Her heartbeat echoing in her ears as all she could do were stare at the screen, at her boy as he talked. Not dead. He wasn’t dead. Naomi wasn’t sure she was breathing. Wasn’t sure she knew how to breathe anymore.

She had left him twice, had lost him three times. She had mourned. Had been mourning since the day she first left Ceres. And had never thought she would hear his voice again, see his face. The message had stopped play, was frozen on the screen with Filip facing the camera but looking away, jaw clenched like he was struggling with something. Forcing a breath out through her mouth, Naomi counted to five slowly before she played the message again, prepared to hear his voice this time and listened to what he had to say.

She listened to it another five times and didn’t notice when she started crying. She didn’t hear Jim coming up in the lift until he was standing behind her.

“Shit is that–?” He didn’t finish the sentence as Naomi paused the message and turned around in her chair, using the chuffs of her coveralls to wipe at her cheeks.

“Filip. He’s not dead.” Those three words started repeating themselves in her head, bouncing around as she tried to believe them. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead.

“Shit,” he said again as if it was the only thing thought in his head. She couldn’t blame him. Her thoughts weren’t any more coherent right now either. “Can I?” Jim gestured to the message, asking permission to hear it. Naomi played it again, listened to it for the sixth time. Listening to it with someone else made it feel more real, made her believe it wasn’t a dream.

The two of them sat in silence for long seconds after it finished both of them lost in their own thoughts and emotions.

“What are you going to do?” Jim asked his eyes on hers and a small smile on his lips. As if he already knew what she was going to do before she had even decided.

“He wants to get to know me. I–,” Naomi shook her head once and closed her eyes to order her thoughts, her emotions. There were too many to sort through, so she clung to the joy and relief and new found hope. She could worry about the rest later. Opening her eyes she let out a deep breath and turned to face Jim with a small smile of her own. She knew he would support her whatever her choice. “I need to reply. Tell him I want the chance too.”

“Okay. Want me to keep everyone out of here while you do it?”

“Gonna do it in our room. Quiter. Might take me a while.” She got up from her crash couch, stretching her arms above her head, paused to kiss Jim on the cheek once before heading towards the lift, already trying to work out what she was going to say. She stopped before she headed down, looking back to Jim as he watched her. “Can you tell the others, please?”

“Of course. I’ll be in the galley if you need me.” And she knew he meant it, if she needed him for anything he would be there. She loved him for it, even more for him knowing she needed to do this alone.

Alone in her and Jim's room, Naomi sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her terminal. Everything she wanted to say seemed insignificant, seemed too small, seemed too late for the situation they were in. But he had reached out to her, and Naomi wasn’t about to let him go again. Opening the message she let it play again, using the minutes to calm her racing heart and focus her thoughts. When the prompt to reply flashed, she hit it.

“Hello Filip. I– thank you doesn’t seem like the right thing to say, but it’s the only thing I can think of. Knowing that you’re not– knowing that you’re okay, it’s something I never thought I’d hear you say. I’m glad you’re okay. All I ever wanted was for you to be okay, to be happy, yeah?” She tried to smile, hoping it came across as genuine and not so grimaces as it did to her. “You have been part of my heart from the second you were born, I’ll take being part of your life in anyway you’ll let me. We’re docking on Ceres in a few weeks, if you want we could meet? Talk, dinner on me,” she shrugged with one hand, trying to nonchalance but failing and not caring. “Up to you. I'm glad you’re okay Filip, I hope you’re happy too.”

She didn’t stop to review it, knowing she would never be able to make it perfect the way she wanted it to be. There probably wasn’t a way to make it perfect, this wasn’t really something people did every day. She just hit send, watching as the file loaded and zipped off at lightspeed along with all the hope she didn’t know she still had.

The reply came two days later while she was in the galley with Bobbie as they stood around the coffee machine. It must have been obvious from the look on her face what it was.

“Want me to go?” She asked and it took Naomi a split second to decide she didn’t want to be alone this time.

“No, no it’s okay. Stay,” she looked up at her over the top of her terminal and Bobbie gave her a reassuring smile as Noami took a deep breath and hit play. She was ready for his voice this time, ready to see his face. It still felt like a punch to the gut though. It was a short message.

“Dinner sounds good. Things to talk about, no light delay make it easier, yeah?” There was a hint of a smile in his voice she thought, or maybe it was just wishful thinking. “Send details after you dock.” It seemed like that was all he had to say as he a small furrow appeared between his brows before it vanished and he spoke again. “I am happy. Glad you’re okay too.”

Naomi blew out a breath and closed her eyes. He wanted to meet, have dinner, talk. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or shout with joy. Instead she let out a strangled sounding laugh.

“That’s good, right?” Bobbie asked and Naomi opened her eyes at the hint of concern she heard in the Martians voice.

“Yeah, no yeah this– shit this is good. I didn’t...I didn’t think he’d want to meet.” She accepted that her relationship with him would consist of short messages and that would be okay. Being able to see him in the flesh seemed unreal. Last time it hadn’t exactly ended well. Idly, Naomi wondered home many second chances she would get at this.

Bobbie squeezed her shoulder once and smiled.

“We’ll brainstorm some good places for you two to have an easy meeting. I don’t think any of our usual haunts are gonna cut it, karaoke and emotional reunions doesn’t seem like a good fit.”

Naomi laughed shaking her head a little but what Bobbie said worked to calm her thoughts down, easing her anxiety for a moment. She had just under two weeks to figure out a plan. She could do that.

☆☆☆

Filip.

Filip leaned against a wall opposite the entrance of Clock Work and tried to keep his fingers from tapping against his thighs as he waited. He’d already thought about turning back three times on his walk here and he was pretty close to making that four times. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe he didn’t need questions answered or a relationship with his estranged mother. He could push away from the wall and walk back to the hole him and Alaya were renting and knew she wouldn’t judge him for it. He balled his hands up into fists.

It wasn’t until the reply from Naomi came that Filip knew he needed to tell her about his past. It hadn’t been as bad as he’d expected. She had had a lot of questions. They’d both cried. She’d told him he was a good man. He didn’t think she was right about that. But she had convinced him that meeting Naomi would be a good thing for them both.

“You said it yourself, she wants to try. You’ve both got questions and only the two of you can answer them for each other. You go. You sit and you talk. If at the end you don’t want to see her again, you’ve gotta hope she’ll respect that. If you want to get to know her more then at least you’ve got a starting point.”

So he’d said yes. And then gotten a text message two days ago asking if he was free today during the second shift and could meet at Clock Work two levels up from the docks. He’d almost said no before he had agreed. He really hated waiting.

Ten minutes before agreed upon time Filip saw her come around the corner. Her hair was longer and the way she held herself seemed different from he remembered, though he guessed when you weren’t somewhere against your will it did change the way you walked. For a moment Filip considered – for the fifth time, but who was keeping count? – turning away. He still had time, she hadn't spotted him yet.

And then she did. She hesitated midstep, causing people to swerve around her with annoyed grunts but she didn’t seem to notice. She was just looking at him. Deep down Filip was pretty sure if he decided to turn away now she wouldn’t follow him. He pushed away from the wall and took a step towards her, towards the tiny restaurant she had picked and she followed him. Neither of them talked while they entered and picked a booth at the back, not that it mattered, the place was empty.

“Glad you came, wasn’t sure you would,” Naomi said and there was a small hesitant smile there. He was glad she was finding this as hard as he was, and didn’t miss the honesty in the statement.

“Thought about turning back couple of times.” If she could be honest, he could too.

The silence between them was awkward and tense with so many different emotions he didn’t know which they were meant to address first. Maybe there was too much past in their past to move on from. They each ordered without talking and Filip began scratching at a part of the table top that was peeling away. When Naomi broke the silence he startled.

“So do you live on Ceres or just visiting?” Present was the safe subject, he wondered if she was building up to talking about the past.

“Visiting. I–” he paused deciding if he wanted to talk about working for the Transport Union, about Alaya. It only took him a few seconds to decide he did. “After, lived on Callisto for a while, working on the environmental systems there, helped set up the new ones for the shipyard. Transport Union put out adverts for crew for some of their new ships, yeah? ‘Bout two years ago. I signed up. Work the Inners’ roots, don’t go through the rings. Met this girl. Alaya. Her– Her mom’s sick, she needed to come back home, I came with her.” He shrugged with his hands and dared a look at Naomi, to try and guess what she was thinking. He couldn’t decide what he saw on her face.

“Alaya. Wh-What’s she like?”

So Filip told her. About how they’d first met, about how she made him laugh, about how she was going to force him to visit Mars one day but that he was kind of excited about it. And he asked her questions too. About what she had been doing, what it was like going through the ring gates, visiting the new worlds. He didn’t mention Marco and she didn’t either. It went unsaid that in all her stories James Holden was present too, but that wasn’t a subject either of them were ready to touch yet.

They ate when their food came, keeping up their steady stream of easy conversation. He was smiling at her without thinking by the end of their meal and he found himself asking one of the questions that had always bugged him.

“Why him?”

She didn’t ask who he meant and she went quiet for a moment, frowning down at her bowl like she was thinking something through. When she blew out a breath and looked back up at him Filip knew he’d ended the time for pointless topics.

“After I left here the first time, ran away and signed up with the first long haul ship I could find, I shut myself down. Tried not to care about things like before. Promised myself I wouldn’t make the same mistakes twice, that I wouldn’t ever follow the fanatics or let people control me. Leaving you, broke something in me. Something I’ll never be able to fix. Didn’t leave looking to find someone new. Me and Jim,” she paused, and Filip watched a soft smile touch her lips as she shrugged at him, “Not something either of us was looking for or expecting. He’s...he’s there when I need him and knows when I need to be alone. He always respects my choices even if he doesn’t understand them. He doesn’t try to fix the broken things in me, doesn’t mind my past. He makes me laugh. He loves me and I love him. Can’t always choose who you love Filip, but I’d always choose him.”

Her hands were on the table, palms up and open. If he wanted to he could reach across and hold her hand, squeeze it and tell her he understood. Because, he did understand. Someone loving you despite your past was something he was just beginning to understand, he couldn’t hate her for finding that and not wanting to let it go.

He reached across and up his hand in hers. There was a split second where she didn’t react, frozen by the sudden contact, and then her fingers were wrapping around his and they were both squeezing a little too tight.

“Why did you decide to leave?”

Now it was her turn to ask a big question. His fault for starting the conversation down this road.

“Marco he–” Filip frowned a little not knowing why it was hard to talk about this with Naomi, “He said we were going to help the Belt. That everything about the Free Navy was to help the Belt to independence, to make it stronger. Kept said we were winning when we were just running away. And we were hurting the Belt too, yeah? Not helping. Reason Belters were dying. All he cared about was racing to the ring, to stop or kill you and Holden. Not about the Belt anymore. Nothing was his fault, all someone else's,” he stopped, trying to figure out where his thoughts were. He didn’t know how to explain it in a way that made sense.

“Wasn’t just one thing. Lots of little things, became big things. Way he treated me. Always a new plan pretending to be the original because the first one failed. Didn’t wanna be part of it anymore. You were right, yeah? Always got the right to walk away. So I did.”

“It must have been hard.”

Filip shrugged, he tried not to think about those first few days after he threw away his terminal, and had decided to leave everything behind. He wasn’t even sure he could remember what had happened, everything had been a haze back then. Tears pricked at his eyes and Filip used his free hand to wipe at them. He swallowed down the lump in his throat as Naomi squeezed his hand again.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you then. Here for you now though,” there was such kindness in her voice Filip couldn’t help but look at her or stop the smile.

“Okay.” He didn’t know what else to say. Didn’t seem to matter, she seemed to accept the answer for what it was. Clearing his throat once Filip slowly pulled his hand back, tried not to notice the frown he saw on her face. “Should be going. Said I’d help Alaya with something.”

“Right, of course,” she smiled at him and then shook her head when he reached out to pay his share of the tab. “Said I’d pay. Meal on me, remember? You can get it next time.” It was asking the question without even asking it. He was grateful she did and he wouldn’t be left wondering if maybe this was a one time thing.

“Yeah. There’s a place I know that does good kibble. Always got fresh spices,” he gave her a smile.

Saying goodbye brought back the air of awkwardness, though not as obvious as before. Neither of them seemed to know what to do with their hands, both knew they weren’t at a hugging stage but just parting without anything seemed wrong. Before he could decide if a handshake was worse then nothing Naomi grabbed his hand in both of hers and squeezed once, giving him a smile.

“Thank you. For all this. For reaching out. Kibble next time. Oyedeng, Filip. Stay safe, yeah?” She squeezed his hand again and then let go.

“Yeah. Bye, Naomi. See you again soon.” He didn’t wait to see if she watched him walk away, and he didn’t look around to watch her leave either. He just walked.

There was still a lot of pain and hurt between them, Filip didn’t know if they would ever be able to clear the air fully, but he was glad they had the chance to try now. He was glad to have a chance to get to know her. Would even – one day – be glad to know her new family. It was a long way off but knowing the choice was there meant everything.