#through secondhand exposure; through my best friend's older sister's bedroom door through seniors' cars in the parking lot through the
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#wild how hearing fear innoculum in 2022 feels exactly like hearing undertow in 2004#through secondhand exposure; through my best friend's older sister's bedroom door through seniors' cars in the parking lot through the#headphones snuck up my eventually-&-now-ex gf's sleeve two seats behind me in freshman algebra#nothing i sought nothing i craved nothing that made any sort of sense just this wall of droning confusey samey sound#fear innoculum in 2022 is like being punched repeatedly right in the gland in my brain that sends up beacons of my own sense-memory legacy#i remember the layout of every classroom i've ever sat in & every arrangement of my best friend's older sister's bedroom & even the trails#cut in their back forty#the trails behind lion's park the bottles in carrie's pig barn. every iteration of the two rummage stores in my hometown&what i stole there#i know i'm only in my thirties & every day is the closest to those memories as i'm ever gonna be again but it's just amazing#how directly something i don't even particularly care about is just slamming its hands on the buttom that makes me feel things#it's all i've listened to for four days cuz i'm like a kid on the merry-go-round AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN. the unshakeable urge#to keep feeling things#it felt like october when i stepped outside today & it caught me so off guard i almost burst into tears i could not comprehend it in my#already tenuous emotional state#begging the weather AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN cuz i won't have time to myself til tuesday but thursday would be better and i want to experience#today but today-today i was trapped in the mall all day watching locals shoplift crappy ashtrays & i wasted it#and the kicker is it wasn't even my fault
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