#to get more comfortable/less embarrassed with my own appearance and help w dysphoria

[aliwept]

WARNING :     MASSIVE TOKOYAMI HC DUMP AHEAD !  part one of ..... many sldkfjds i gotta transfer a lot from old blogs

triggers:  body talk,  religions mentions,  mentions of binding, self hatred and transitioning.

BELIEFS / MOTIVATION:

tokoyami looks at becoming a hero the “wrong” way — or rather, in a way that cripples his success.he doesn’t want to become a hero in and of itself, but to help as many people as he can.

this is usually a good thing, but it is motivated by his extreme guilt and self doubt rather than pure desire, believing that that is the only way to pay for his “sins.” (i.e., the destruction or potential destruction his quirk as/could cause(d).)

he holds himself up to an extremely high standard, (it is impossible to have a totally “pure” motivation,) one of being perfect and disciplined in every way, but he consistently fails to reach that (as any human being would), making it so that he falls deeper into a circle of self-doubt and pity.

he also tends to idealize his friends for their faults, and when those difficult traits show up he gets extremely bothered, then angry at himself for his idealization, then angry for bothering them, & it escalates until he’s simply angry at himself for being what he believes to be a burden.

this is an extremely deeply rooted process, one that even daily actions contribute to, & while the source isn’t completely his parents, it is certainly reinforced by his mother’s abuse & his guilt relating to his father’s death.

PHYSICAL:

he’s not particularly muscled — well, compared to his more muscular classmates. most of his muscle is in his legs & stomach. he does not have a particular training regimen, typically unmotivated unless prompted.

unlike the majority of his classmates, because a lot of his fighting is done with dark shadow moving him (so that it’s harder to predict movements, as well as going from a large range), the majority of the time he’s not challenged physically.

against close attacks, both attacking which he uses his sword for (seen in his dorm room), when allowed. he inherited that sword from his father after his death. he also feels fatigue easily, not so much due to muscles but because of his exhaustion that is his “normal” state, given that dark shadow is nocturnal. (this & his low work ethic. he works a lot harder when training with friends.)

he doesn’t feel the need to bind more than not, given his skinny physique, with his hips being only a little bit wider than the average cis man’s.most of his scars are on his arms, self inflicted from his talons cutting into his skin. parts of his skin are covered in a gel like skin, clear to see the feathers that poke out from them, going much like arm hair down his sides. these are mostly around his shoulders.

most of the feather is underneath skin (though the skin & the feather both have no nerves), visible with the skin being mostly clear (no muscles adding color, only the natural dark pigment) with the rest of the feaher poking out at a low angle to his arm.

HABITS:

he has a diary that he writes in religiously. it’s kept in a hat box under his bed when he returns to the dorm, along with a collection he’s had since he had been able to write.

at times, in nostalgia, he’ll read through his earlier books. he also tends to doodle his classmates in them ! he’s an incredibly private person — especially because his mother ignored his privacy, refusing to let him keep secrets of any kind in ‘fear that he was hiding something’ — but also enjoys putting his thoughts into words.         

PAST:               

tokoyami was bullied due to his appearance / personality. for someone who was already uncomfortable with his body (not knowing what being trans was at that point) this became the root of deep insecurity regarding his appearance, whether it was as simple as hesitation.

he is autistic !! he stims a lot with his hands, though usually it’s in his hoodie / under his cloak, because he’s very self conscious about it.  he also has adhd: inattentive type, bpd, depression & anxiety!

fantasy verse:  he’s a witch & i will fight you on this fact. my boy loves the occult. he’s also. in generally he tends to be superstitious, & more than that enjoys different rituals! it probably won’t show up in my rp cause i honestly don’t know much about that type of thing but ! he absolutely adores things like that, not necessarily because he fully believes them but because they’re interesting & he believes that they probably stem if only in part from fact.

now im gonna add some notes here.  while he is obviously pretty strong,  he has problems with control, considering that not only does he have to react, he has to communicate those thoughts with dark shadow. speed / offense / defense obviously are enhanced w dark shadow, as well as his own abilities (he would still be able to hold his own if he couldn’t use his quirk).

as well, a lot of his stats are basically his stats + dark shadow, which obv makes them higher than they otherwise would be. he also has really high stamina and working out for a long time doesn’t really. make him tired, nor dark shadow, because dark shadow doesn’t get tired & he’s not the one doing a lot of the actual physical stuff. he’s not good w weapons tho in general. note that these are basically during the daytime w/o a huge light source so things change when it’s darker/lighter.

parents:   tokoyami’s mother had the ability to call spirits of the dead to her and talk to them, & his father’s was to house things, as in objects, so he cld like. store things inside of his body. it’s real wild.

a quirk that combined with another in tokoyami’s lineage, so one of his ancestors had the ability to shapeshift, specifically with birds & banged w someone who has a quirk similar to aizawa’s, where it basically ‘stills’ the action of .someone’s quirk, if that makes sense? so down the line people wld inherit a birds’ features, but it would switch. in his dad’s case, he got a raptors ‘arms’ & eyes.

i am here to inform you that not only is he really short, he’s also chubby! espcially as a child. while he now has muscle! :tm: ive made earlier posts about how he doesn’t have a good. regimen & shit so. yeah. just like deku, while he may be muscled, (though he’s less muscled than. most of his classmates) he still is v chubby on other parts of his body.

also ! he’s trans & he has. a large bust, which he does not bind most of the time due to fear of asphyxiation. being demiboy, he is bothered at it at times, but dislikes tight clothes as a whole (like binders). this is because he is easily overstimulated by excessive contact with his body, causing sensory overload.the exception is his neck, which his choker is a source of comfort. (though, warning, there are scars underneath that the large choker hides!)

tokoyami. will say/do something & then become embarrassed by it, after the act has already been done. he’ll fuckin melt on the spot.

tokoyami is absolutely someone to leave ppl on read. or respond w several paragraphs w ‘K.’ like. that’s just how it is. he’s lowkey an asshole in that way but he just. he has to think a lot before having a response but he gets distracted & just leaves it.

he has dark fucking brown skin !!!!! people who draw tokoyami w light skin cause he’s a ‘pale goth uwu !!!!’ are weak & will be weeded out by natural selection.

people he trains with most are ,,,  mostly kirishima, kaminari, aoyama and momo when they’re available

he’s mix of japanese, native american, and indian!

self knowledge questions:  neediness, independence, shyness.

NEEDINESS: being affirmed & nurtured by others is a central requirement for you to feel safe. this means you can be slow to warm up to other people, which is difficult because what you most need from them is their warmth. yet you know how to be vulnerable: to let down your defenses and accept that you need another person. this lack of pretense is a valuable trait, and ultimately more endearing than the macho efforts others make to deny their childlike sides.

INDEPENDENCE: you don’t set out to be different for its own sake; you are more easily guided by what interests & moves you. you are more concerned about what is right for you than about the pressure to fit in. you know the value of selective irresponsibility, of forgetting occasionally about being ‘good’.

SHYNESS: part of you is gripped by the fear that you’ll launch into something and completely mess it up. the upside of this is wise caution: people are indeed often too rash, whereas you know, by instinct, that holding back can save you. probably, you feel shame and self-disgust a bit too much. but when you do feel in your element, you act with a wisdom and sensitivity never found in people with thicker skins.

there’s an au where he’s tamaki’s half brother tamakis hmu

more ramblings cause i lov him so anw. i figure that like. if he had to have a motivator it would be an outside force but basically he’s riding on the fact that he has more physical ability because he doesn’t perform very well in studies. ( bird brain …… )

getting 14th place out of the class on midterms, he’s aware that he’s not motivated & as well as his migraines & other mental illnesses ( adhd, executive dysfunction, etc. ) this means that he doesn’t really reach his “full potential.”

he’s aware of this, though, which causes him to train physically. physically training also allows him to ( a ) feel proud of himself, something that he struggles with ( b ) help him generally, esp with dysphoria ( c ) get his mind off of other things / points of stress.

i still don’t think he’s like. as buff as shouji for example, though part of that is that he’s naturally lean ! & he has trouble motivating himself sometimes but when he stays up late ( due to dark shadow ) it basically wrecks his sleeping patterns, so this gives him something beneficial to do while also exhausting himself, which he hopes will help him fall asleep.

like i know that i said that . . he was skinny / not v muscled ( when compared to his buffer classmates, rather ) but i guess i’ve been proven wrong because it took both Buff McFuck mina and hagakure 2 push him out of the way ( not tht it took that long but that was w them straining / time skips )

so @ this point i Just Don’t Know. he got 9 in the practical which means he’s obv like ?? p good but that was the entrance exam. ( he got 10 rescue my baby !!!! im so proud of him ) & then w aizawa’s exams he started off at 5 & im tryna find the other thing what it ended up as but @ this point i’m just , pretty divided cause i’m not seeing much reason for him to learn to train w/o proper training ( & we kno that he’s not someone who was trained specially like todoroki / momo tho tht doesnt mean it’s not possible & at this point im just ) ya. he’s gotta be able but from what we know he’s not v motivated ? ausdjkfdsfjk we’ll see ig.

tokoyami is a mix of shinto (where his hero epithet comes from), taoist (due to the values), & hindu (again, values). i think for now it’s going to be some mix of that, though i’m going to do some research on shinto values since i don’t know much about it !!!!!

generally, he’s pretty superstitious, just because he knows many myths are based on facts, & the idea of ‘it doesn’t hurt to watch out for them.’ he prefers to avoid possible things that would make him have bad luck.

[theaceofgays]

Mx. & Mrs. Valiente

Fandom: Little Witch Academia | Pairing: Allyn (Allisandra/Edlyn)

Word Count: 2,007 | Read Time: ~10 Minutes

“Marry me...”

Edlyn was examining the browning spots on the leaves of an unhealthy betony hedge when Allisandra had broken their train of thought. The poor floral plant had reached the end of its life cycle, and Edlyn had been doing all they could to salvage it. “I’m sorry?”

“Marry me,” Allisandra repeated, arms crossed. She’d been standing over Edlyn for quite a while, waiting for Edlyn to drive their attention away from the plant before them. Seeing how that wasn’t happening any time soon, Allisandra took matters into her own hands.

“Allisandra, are you alright?” Edlyn had finally stopped preening the plant long enough to make eye contact, yet still searching for a cause of illness.

“I’m perfectly fine.”

“Then why the heck--”

“Edlyn, how long have we been friends?”

“Well- since Freshman year so... over seven years now?”

“And what have you learned about my family?”

“They’re... Wait- is this a money issue? Allisandra, you don’t have to marry me t-”

“This isn’t a money issue,” Allisandra huffed, almost surprised Edlyn hadn’t picked up on the reason. “My mother keeps asking the same questions she’s been asking me since I turned eighteen. ¿Cuándo vas a casarte, Allisandra? When is Papi going to walk you down the aisle? Te verías tan hermosa en un velo, can you imagine? I’m sick of it.”

Edlyn hadn’t been able to pick up everything Allisandra said, especially when she spoke so fluidly, but they understood enough of what she was implying. They stood, removing their gardening gloves, and placed a hand on Allisandra’s shoulder. “I understand that much. My mother can be the same way. We’re the only Valientes left and she’s worried about the family legacy. But what about yours? What’s changed now?”

“She wants me to start dating.”

Silence. Edlyn let that sink in, corners of their mouth sinking as well.

“She tried to hook me up with some men from my home town. I keep telling her no but she’s getting more and more insistant. I’m only in my 20′s, Mamá. ¡Tengo otros cien años!” Allisandra groaned and Edlyn’s frown deepened.

“Why me?”

“I can’t imagine anyone else I’d want to marry.”

Edlyn’s face flushed up with that. And they stumbled to ask another question. “W-what about--”

“Seraphine has Adamina. Edlyn, it has to be you!  You’re my best friend, and there’s no one else who would be able to convince them to back off. Please,” Allisandra’s interruption seemed more desperate, pleading. “It has to be you...”

Edlyn took a deep breath. “Allisandra... I love you, I really do. You’re the belladonna of my nightshades, breathtaking in multiple senses. But we’re friends. I know neither of us cares about the whole romance thing but I don’t know if I want to take away that possibility from you if you’re not--mpfh...” Edlyn had been interrupted once again but this time by Allisandra’s lips on their own. 

“There. No sparks, nothing. Just like every other time I’ve kissed someone. I’m pretty sure. Now will you please marry me?”

‘Nothing, huh?’ Edlyn thought, touching their lips as if to check them in the absence of the slight tingling feeling that had shot through their nerves a moment before. ‘Must have imagined it....’

“Eddy?” Allisandra waved her hand in front of Edlyn’s face, bringing them down to earth once more.

Edlyn took in a deep breath, speaking through an exhale. “Where’s the ring?”

“That’s the last of them,” Allisandra said as she assisted Edlyn with the boxes she was carrying into Valiente manor. Their wedding was less than a few months away and by Edlyn’s own suggestion, Allisandra was moving in. 

“Can I get you two Lovebirds anything? Some water?” Laurel, Edlyn’s mother, asked as she turned a corner to see her child wheezing, sweaty palms pressed to their trousers as they bent over to breathe easier.

“I-I’m okay, Maman, merci beaucoup. Et toi, Alli?

“I’m fine,” Allisandra said, stretching her arms up, not that she really needed a break from the boxes. The hem of her shirt tugged up when she stretched, and Edlyn caught a view of her stomach and and the dips and curves of her muscles.

Edlyn had seen them many times, there was no need for sheepishness, and yet the faint pink in Edlyn’s cheek wasn’t entirely from being breathless. “W-why didn’t Adelmo help? He’s your familiar.”

“He’s lazy, you know this.” It was true. Adelmo had spent the past half hour sitting cross-legged chewing cud on the front lawn of the estate, flicking his tail every so often to show his mild enthusiasm for the new environment. Allisandra hadn’t minded all that much, especially since he had Zorro in his lap, who was all too exhausted from travel. “Besides, what do we need him for when you have me?”

“All too true, Love.” Edlyn beamed back, moving to kiss Allisandra’s cheek, a display of affection that had grown in appearance since the two had announced their engagement. It was almost customary every other moment a member of the opposite’s family was present. All the more to add to the façade.

“No, no, ¿Estás tonto? Aquí, aquí, stir the pot while I roll the potato. I want an even cook on that Chicken, Querida.” Isabella, Allisandra’s mother, had been teaching Edlyn how to make  stewed curanto or pulmay as they called it. Edlyn had never had such a complex ‘surf-n-turf’ dish before, and was surprised to find it to be one of Allisandra’s favorites.

“It’s an old family recipe,” said Maria, Allisandra’s grandmother, as she walked through the kitchen. “Make sure you layer the nalca evenly. You wouldn’t want the layers to touch.”

Through the kitchen window, Edlyn could see Allisandra talking with her younger siblings, which Eddy knew by name. Francisco was the oldest of the bunch at 21, which wasn’t much of a gap between the two of them considering the rest of Allisandra’s family was concerned. Then there was Ramone who was 18, and the twins, Daniella and Dante who were 11. Edlyn couldn’t have even begun to imagine the kind of strength it took for Isabella to raise the two of them alone, let alone all 9 of her children? It was understandable why Family had been so important to her. Allisandra had glanced at the window to catch Edlyn’s gaze with her own. She smiled and waved, a gesture reciprocated for far too long to go unnoticeable because Isabella was instantly shooing Edlyn away from the stew pot.

“Aye, you’re going to let it overcook if you’re not careful.” She warned, stirring in the vegetables. Edlyn’s apology left silence clinging to the air like spilt dye. “I know it’s hard to take your eyes off of her... She’s beautiful, No?”

“Allisandra?” Edlyn blinked, thrown off by the sudden discussion. They glanced out the window once more, watching Allisandra speak, despite being unable to hear her lips form the words themselves. She was laughing now, hands on her stomach, head thrown back to let her hair cascade over her shoulders. “Yeah,” Edlyn said, trying to return their attention to Isabella’s cooking techniques. “She sure is... Takes after her mother,” Edlyn quickly added, earning an elbow from Isabella.

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Mi hijo.”

Edlyn and Allisandra had attended two weddings prior to their own. The first being Gabija and Nina’s. Gabija had been all too eager to marry the moment that Nina graduated, having been two years ahead meant that the two years without Nina were long and slow and torturous and she couldn’t stand another second. The second wedding had been Yarrow and Amaterasu’s, the likes of which Edlyn felt more comfortable with, despite the Thompson family being somewhat rivals to Edlyn’s own.

Allisandra hadn’t been much for weddings. She thought that the copious amounts of money people poured into the ceremony were almost entirely unnecessary. As such, her and Edlyn’s wedding was going to be one of simplicity. She didn’t want a three layer cake, she didn’t want a fancy champagne waterfall, or a chocolate fondue fountain. She wanted it to be as quick and painless as possible.

And it was, Edlyn made sure of it. Their friends had sat on one side along with Edlyn’s mother and a few of Allisandra’s extended family that hadn’t fit on the adjacent side. There was a short reception after the initial ceremony, one that Allisandra’s mom was fine with, and of course when Allisandra had tossed her bouquet, Seraphine, the intended target, had been clocked in the face... lightly, of course. Allisandra and Edlyn made their way home afterwards with much enthusiasm for the break they would receive from social interaction and party protocol.

Edlyn was the first to plop on the bed, suit and all, sprawling out like a star fish that had been marooned.

Allisandra had followed shortly after changing out of her dress, grateful to be in the freedom of a tank top and boxer-shorts. She crawled onto the bed, hair down now, and caught Edlyn’s glazed over gaze for a moment, before she giggled at their situation. “Here, Cariño, let me help.” She was leaning over Edlyn now, removing the bowtie around their neck.

“Alli,” Edlyn blushed, embarrassed to have her undress them, but not uncomfortable. They’d assisted each other in changing plenty of times, and had even seen each other in the nude. But that was when they were more kid than adult.

“Shh, I don’t mind. We’re married aren’t we?” Allisandra smiled at Edlyn, like warm honey.

“Yeah, we are...” The thought sent Edlyn’s head swimming. They weren’t sure if they were imagining it or not. Had Allisandra always been this beautiful in moonlight?

It was when Allisandra had begun to unbutton Edlyn’s shirt that they snapped back into reality. Since they graduated Luna Nova, Edlyn had been treated by several doctors for their gender dysphoria. Allisandra hadn’t yet seen the scars. She wasn’t aware that there were any to begin with, and upon meeting  Edlyn’s bare, flat chest, she paused, as if studying a painting at an art exhibit.

Edlyn wasn’t sure if this was okay. They were comfortable with Allisandra seeing them, sure. But do best friends really drink in all of your features so easily? Even the ones as imperfect as scars?

“Eddy?” Allisandra’s voice broke the tension of still water and Edlyn raised their brows.

“Yeah?”

“You’re beautiful.”

Silence. Edlyn wasn’t sure what to say. Their heart was pounding in their chest and they could have sworn that in the darkness Allisandra could hear it.

“Allisandra?”

“Yes?”

“I love you...”

There was another pause, Allisandra smiled once more though Edlyn’s heart was screaming, beating against their ribs in a violent manner like it had been wrongly convicted. 

“I love you too...”

Silence once more, though Edlyn’s head was swimming. They leaned up as Allisandra leaned forward, and despite the fact that no one was watching they kissed because it felt like the right thing to do.

Allisandra watched the way Edlyn played with her younger siblings, leaning with her head against the doorframe to the house as the children all ran through the garden hose with enthusiasm. Isabella stood behind Allisandra, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“You picked well, Mi hija.” She spoke softly. Allisandra turned to see, for the first time, the greys in her mother’s brown hair.

“¿Lo hice ahora?” Allisandra asked, quirking up a brow. “I picked because you wanted me to.”

“Oh?” Isabella raised her brows. Allisandra turned back to look at Edlyn who was showing the kids how to plant hierba del clavos in the garden for herbal treatments. The kids were taking great care not to damage the petals of the flower, following what Edlyn was saying to the letter. Isabella spoke again, “Well, I like them regardless.”

“Yeah?” Allisandra said, making eye contact with Edlyn through the garden mist. Edlyn was smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves, and when they met Allisandra’s gaze, they waved before returning their focus to the twins. “Yo también, Mamá, me too...”