#uncheerfully

[saprophetic]

"trans women are women, trans men are men, and nonbinary people are valid"

[bandit-prince]

“So, you know why I’m here now, if you don’t mind me asking for a change, what drew you here?”

Aries was leaned against the wall of his train car, casually sharpening a knife as if it were the easiest thing in the world; but his eyes hadn’t left his..friend? Was that the right word? It felt weird to call someone a friend, and actually mean it again. But, despite everything, Gene had proven to be vaguely trustworthy and much more than reliable. He hadn’t expected much when the Ghoul had first arrived at Big Bend, and yet, after doing several caravan runs together, they’d gotten pretty close. Not to mention, it had been Gene who, albeit on accident, had fixed the problem Aries had once created.

“What, me? Why I’m here? You sure you wanna know? It’s not nearly as entertaining as your story.” Gene was slouched over at the entrance of the train car, leaned against the jammed open door with an empty Jet inhaler held loosely in one hand.

Those big, brown eyes look over at Aries, a mixture of curiosity and..was that a hint of fear?

“Sure, I’d love to hear if you’re willing to share. ‘Course, you don’t gotta. Trust me, I know all about skeletons and closets. Literally, almost.”

“Well, mine is more literal. I’ve killed people, Aries. And not just to defend myself either.” Gene goes quiet for a moment, chasing the empty inhaler between his fingers for a while before trying to continue.

“My family and me, we all lived up near Flatwoods. Dad was a doctor, mom was a an ex-military liaison. I had a sister, she was only six at the time. Dad had gotten us all access to the Vault, calling in some favors from a few of his past patients, but, when the time came, they didn’t have room for all of us.”

He stops, raising the inhaler to his lips and pulling on the button desperately, but when none of the familiarly awful tasting air touched his tongue, he sighs, throwing it aside.

“They were just going to leave her there to die. Said they didn’t have any room for kids. I made them take her instead of me.”

Aries chews at his scarred lips under the gas mask, listening intently to the ghoul’s story.

Maybe he shouldn’t have asked, but with the way it was all tumbling out of Gene’s mouth now, it was obvious he needed to get it off his chest.

Slowly, he shifts off the wall, sitting down next to the ghoul, relishing the feeling of the warm sunshine brushing against his mask.

“That was very good of you. Can’t say I’d have done the same, though…I don’t know. it’s hard to say unless you’ve been there. But, I’m a bit more selfish than you are, heh.”

“I don’t know if I’d have done it now. If I could go back in time and change things..I don’t know. But, anyways. That’s not the point. I wasn’t drawn here by some secret treasure, or caravan work, or even raids. I was born here, raised here, and..for all intents and purposes, died here too. The Gene she knew, that my parents knew, he’s long dead.”

He takes a breath, deep and long, before finally rummaging in his bag and pulling out a deep brown bottle from it, and handing it to Aries. “Cheers.” He murmurs, decidedly uncheerfully.

“I met up with some old friends after the bombs fell. We were all desperate, and scared as shit. Military came through town a week later, killed a lot of innocent people to get their supplies. So, we decided if they could do it and be justified, we could too.”

A growl ripped itself from Aries’ throat, and the guard coughs hard for a few moments, trying to catch his breath. “God. I’m so sorry. That must have been awful to see. I can’t believe they’d do something like that.”

“Me neither. But, it happened. Anyways, we left Flatwoods soon after that, headed on down to Charleston and then into the Monongahela Forest, figured it’d be the safest place to lay low for awhile.”

The masked guard nods, opening up the bottle, and pouring a shot into a nearby glass, handing it over to Gene as the ghoul continues the story.

“From there, we met up with some other survivors. We all joined up, and..well..maybe created the first Raider faction in West Virginia. Things were great for a few years. We built up a huge fortress in the depths of the woods, had it automated and everything. But, there was one thing I wasn’t counting on.”

Once again, Gene stops in his story to sip at his drink; face wrinkling up at the bitter taste, but he slams it back nonetheless.

“Goddamn Blood Eagles. They were so well organized and ruthless, everyone else wanted to join them. I was the only one who didn’t.”

“Yeesh. And I bet they didn’t want to let you leave in one piece, either, right?” Aries had lifted his mask up a bit halfway through this spiel, lighting up a cigarette and taking a deep breath. “Blood thirsty motherfuckers. I’d say they’re worse than a Sheepsquatch, but, I dunno, I’ve never had a Blood Eagle successfully remove my face before.” He chuckles a little, and Gene smiles just a bit, at the edges of his mouth.

“Bloodthirsty is for sure. And absolutely relentless. Alice, she shot me. She was my best friend. Left me to die in some shit hole junkyard, surrounded by nuclear waste. Reckon they figured if the bullet hadn’t killed me, the radiation would. But, reluctantly, I lived.”

Gene sighs, long and hard as Aries sat next to him once more. It was a beautiful morning, the sunrise just now peaking out over the mountains. Absently, almost as if he were being pulled to him by an invisible string, Gene laid his head again Aries’ shoulder, and the contentment that washed over him was enough to well up tears in the ghoul’s eyes.

“I didn’t know what to do when I woke up. I wandered for years, robbing the poor assholes that got in my way or that let their guards down. And..then I just happened to meet a trading caravan up towards the Wayward. They told me about the caravan company that had come through, and was setting up shop down here. So, I set off.”

An arm was holding Gene close now; no words about the matter had been exchanged, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the whole world. “It wasn’t long after that, that I met Ishmael. Figured a Vaulty would need a guide. Maybe, at first, I thought I could get something out of her. But, I couldn’t do that now. She’s like a sister to me, almost, even if she is short a few brain cells.” He chuckles to himself, and Aries snorts, shaking his head.

“Aw come on, she’s very smart and you know it.”

“Yeah, smart, but no common sense. But, that’s what I’m for I reckon.”

“If common sense is what we kept you around for, Vinny would have died of a heart attack by now.” That half revealed face was grinning, those horrible scars taught, but at the moment giving Aries no real trouble.

“Yeah..well, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

Their faces were inches apart, Gene could feel the ragged breaths brushing against his cheek as they both spoke, and for a moment, just a moment, he allowed himself to think of what he’d like to do to that pretty face.

And yet, before he could react, almost like Aries had read his mind, the guard was leaning in a bit closer. “You know, I think rather a lot of you.”

“Yeah? Even after hearing all that?”

“Heh. Like I have room to judge. Agent of chaos, remember?”

For the moment, nothing else mattered. All that existed was Aries’ scarred lips and his breath and his arm wrapped around Gene’s shoulders.

[bambamramfan]

I bumped into someone on Bleecker who was beyond the pale. I felt like talking to him so I did. As we talked I kept thinking, But you’re beyond the pale, yet instead of that stopping us from talking we started to talk more and more frantically, babbling like a couple of maniacs about a whole load of things: shame, ruin, public humiliation, the destruction of reputation—that immortal part of oneself—the contempt of one’s wife, one’s children, one’s colleagues, personal pathology, exposure, suicidal ideation, and all that jazz. I thought, Maybe if I am one day totally and finally placed beyond the pale, I, too, might feel curiously free. Of expectation. Of the opinions of others. Of a lot of things. “It’s like prison,” he said, not uncheerfully. “You don’t see anybody and you get a lot of writing done.”

[marvelwithmarga]

That Moment When Kids Taught You The Important Lessons In Life

June 22, 2017

Last night, I went to our Victory Group session. At the end of the meeting, Nikka gave me money to sow. It was P250. She asked me to give it whom God tells me to.

On my way home, I kept on thinking to whom I should give the money. I saw an old lady selling sampaguita and thought of giving it to her. But then I remembered seeing her in Jollibee once, buying food and I thought that there might be someone who needs the money more. I continued walking and I saw a beggar. Again, I thought of giving it to him but I remembered him smoking and I thought that aside from buying food, he might buy cigarettes too. I became half-hearted. When I got home, my uncle was waiting for me. He asked for the money for him from my dad. He always asks money from my dad and I thought of giving the money to him but I really didn’t feel it and I don’t want to sow the money uncheerfully. So I didn’t give it to him. When I prayed to God, I asked Him again to whom I should give the money. I actually asked if He could show his face or the scenario in my dream or if He could whisper the directions to me. It was pass 4 AM and my sister asked me if she can borrow money from me. I immediately responded that I don’t have money. I don’t know why I said that but then I realized that she will surely pay me back and I thought that the sowing of the money won’t be good especially that she’s part of the family which needs the provision I was asking for. I actually got scared because I thought that maybe I have already missed my chance since there were already four of them that passed me by.

The following morning when I woke up, I realized that I didn’t have any dreams. Thinking that I should sow the money today, I fixated on sowing the seed to the old lady selling sampaguita. But when I was waiting for a jeepney in Tandang Sora - Palengke, I saw three kids pushing a kariton and another one inside. Since it was traffic, one man from one of the cars which was on stop gave McDonald’s French Fries to the kids. They smiled and said thank you. At that time, I just felt the urge to give them the money. I walked towards them and asked them if they already had lunch. They said that they hadn’t. I gave them the money and told them to eat lunch. I emphasized that they should use that to buy food and nothing else. Then I left. I was in a hurry because I have a lot of stuff to do plus I also have work. Then a jeepney arrived and I hopped in beside the driver. It was traffic so I still had the chance to take a look back to the children. I saw the kid to whom I handed the money talking to a man. I thought that he might get the money and I shot a look but it looked like he didn’t. And this was when I saw one of the most genuine joy. The kid learned that I gave him a “huge amount of money” and he smiled and jumped out of joy. Then I looked straight to the road and the jeepney went on.

On my way back home, I thought of what happened. I asked myself and God if I did the right thing, if sow the money right, if the kids should receive it, and a lot more. I got curious why the kid jumped out of joy. Then I realized that they need to sell sacks and sacks of plastics to get that amount of money. I also realized that I can earn that by working for less than one and a half hours but for them, they need to work hard for day (or who knows, days) to earn that. I regret not staying longer and asking them to eat in the McDonald’s nearby since I haven’t eaten yet too. I thought that that was a good idea because I would have get to know them and impart learning on them. I regret not saying to them that the money was from God; that they are good and hardworking kids and God saw that and blessed them; and that they should continue dreaming and praying to God because He sees them and won’t leave them suffering. I asked myself why I didn’t do that. And I think it was partly because I was in a rush and partly because we were in the streets and I don’t want people to see me as some goody-goody saint which is not me. I also asked myself why I chose them. I wasn’t half-hearted at that time unlike what I felt for my other options. I think it was because they are kids; they are working hard and not just begging and waiting for people to give them food and money; and because they know how to say thank you which is the only thing I ask for people I help.

While talking to myself, I was also talking to God. I asked Him if I made it right. The thought that I didn’t impart anything to the kids made me think, “What if because of this they’ll stop working and start begging for money and food instead?” I was afraid. But just like what’s stated in my life verse this year, I just put my trust in God and asked Him to talk to the kids and make the kids think that the money was from God and that God saw them as good and hard working kids and so they should continue doing so.

From the moment that I started talking to myself and to God up to the point that I alight from the jeepney, I was trying so hard not to cry because I really felt so good. Because of those kids and on what happened, I learned that I should work hard; be smart in spending my money and not spend it on things which are not of much importance; not take things for granted; always be grateful and smile no matter what is going on in my life; and lastly, that I am blessed beyond what I think.

I think I wouldn’t forget that moment when I saw the kids smiling to me while saying thank you po, and that moment when one of the kids checked the money, showed one of the brightest smile I’ve seen, and jumped while the smile was still painted on his face. I am thankful that even I hadn’t captured those moments in my phone, I captured them in my heart and mind. I hope I could see more of those moments. I promise to do things to see more of those.