#using durge tags because that's the character and relationship depicted here though ofc it's fitting for tav as well

[spiritsong]

Finally revisited my Durge playthrough again, which means confession time! And wow, despite the fact that I've watched this scene a thousand times, it still hits so hard.

I know people have spoken about this scene at length, but look, I have freecam now and being able to study Astarion's expression beyond the standard angle has made his feelings and behavior here feel particularly more poignant for me.

Especially here, because the camera is typically focused on the hands at this part, and you can only see his profile right at the end. Even then, a lot of the significance is lost in the moment; it all plays out in seconds, after all.

He wordlessly asks for your hand, initiating an emotionally tender act. Not only is that something he hasn't had the luxury of doing in a very long time, but also something that he hasn't been the recipient of in just as many years. He's expressed that physical closeness can bring up feelings of disgust and loathing, and yet - he wants this, and he's showing you just how much.

But look at his expression here. It's vulnerable, crestfallen. To me, it looks as though he doesn't believe for a moment that you will take it. His sense of self-worth is meager. When you tell him you care about him, he asks for reassurance. He doesn't believe that he has value beyond what his body can provide — sexual pleasure — and this is decidely not that. This kind of touch serves no purpose but connection. And how much of that can he even offer, confused and broken as he is?

But then you take his hand.

His eyes are bright with recognition. Shining with emotion. He doesn't understand yet, not truly, why you are the way you are. But you have a tendency of casting aside the doubt that always threatens to engulf him. He doesn't know what's in store for the two of you, but there's something sprouting in his chest that feels an awful lot like hope.

Ending this with a bit of writing that by Seán O'Casey that I feel is especially fitting for this relationship (going both ways!):

When it was dark, you always carried the sun in your hand for me.