#wait i think you've got some funky new stuff in here too with the fact that lyra is only 23 years older than jyn

[incarnateirony]

Okay so, you guys know I went from some pretty recent highs to a series of unfortunate lows as disability onset. But as I see the finish line clear as day, and things actually getting REAL GOOD HERE SOON, I really got no choice to ride it instead of stress--and I've been laughing.

So enjoy the story of:

"Man, you guys think autistic executive function is bad? Let's try Autistic Executive Function With Effectual Narcoleptic Disorder.", which I'm actually now laughing at myself the last few months.

Because god DAMN is it debilitating to pass out all the time.

So anyway, some months back, monnnnths back I got REAL sick. It used up most of my PTO. Afterward, I started passing out, which they wanted separate notes for, for any kind of leave. But I have my funky medical history and my clinic was backed up and by the time I got in, it was too late basically. I mean doc has on file I'm basically screwed, so there was that. Weird silver lining but okay.

My bosses were great, apologized, said if I ever felt I could do the old 9-5 style again they'd take me back in a heartbeat rehire policy be damned, but that was a pretty big limiter. And like that, poof--my insurance, including my disability insurance I was trying to file for at the same time which would pay me about 1200/mo forever even BEFORE federal SS--boom, gone.

So at this point, you're probably like, wow, I'd be panicking. But really I was too tired from falling asleep over and over through the day to care? I was like. well i have some savings and I can pull my peasly lil one year 401k i'm good.

So at this point it's like early november. You know you're an industrious person and can make this work. You got time, and a variety of side income options. And. You fall asleep. And--you know you're an industrious person and-- you fall asleep.

Yo okay this rebooting shit is getting wild. Is today tomorrow new zealand? Wait, what day is it. Oh shit how did I lose a week?

So around then it's like. Mid November suddenly. You're not sure when that happened somewhere in the last 100 times you passed out but it sure the fuck did. In that time you've been getting up to do various processes that need done. Like dishes. Or trash. Or posting online. Or stuff. But there was zero concept of time much less ability to prioritize by it. THINGS WERE ACCOMPLISHED SUCCESSFULLY, BUT NOT NECESSARILY AS NEEDED.

So in this time you're like, trying to fill out paperwork and shit, like disability and all that good stuff. Only this also falls in the various miscellaneous life tasks pile, complete with passing out a few times at processes like 'get a copy of id' or whatever. So somehow this only gets in at like. End of month. But now it's holidays anyway so god knows ain't nobody opening it until today when I'm making this post, if I'm lucky.

So. Like. Somehow you just had to pay out not just October and November, but December from those spare funds and you realized, wait. When's the last time I paid my FUCKING utilities. FUCK. FUCK I DIDN'T PUT THAT ON MY LIST.

Even while I was working, I realized my passing out schedule; what I didn't think about was why it was a passing out schedule. I spent months, these many months, fighting it. Like, maybe if I try this diet thing or cutting coffee or doing whatever, I can do... something. It has to be something I can adjust. But no.

And some point around early december I got an insomnia bit, it shifted my schedule half a day, and I slept through what I can only call peak passout period. And yeah I woke up groggy like mornings and took a while to get moving but... I really only passed out like once in a few weeks, and that was while figuring out this could, in fact, be a schedule.

But you know. That's in a few weeks. So basically, Merry Christmas, go you, you figured out How To Fucking Function Again.

So this last week has been primarily that, and I've even scouted out a WFH job that might suit even these limitations, though still letting other things pend. I got stressed from the roomies being late on shit and went full middle class suburban housewife in panic for a second there. And yeah I'm in the red bad this month, but I can just post another garage sale in the basement if I really gotta push just enough to hop ahead.

For what it's worth, the doctor literally put on file that he can't figure out what's causing it, just that it's clearly debilitating. But my health is so complicated the simplest thing demands minimum 12 blood panels because, for most people, it's usually X thing, but for me, it could be 100 things, something he's literally said. He has to treat me like an episode of House whenever I come in, only instead of being an asshole, he's quirky and gay.

not all doctors get a zebra in their lifetime, but the ones that recognize they ARE there instead of regular ol horses tend to end up REAL keen docs.

But that said, that IS why I pushed my patreon and stuff a bit this month, to help bridge the gap if you will, but I brought myself down like. Nono, LET them bring this to court, this will go so bad for them. I show up with my 1700 receipts from THEIR negligence they've been dodging and they come at me over being a few weeks late once like their weird autotrigger threat emails. Nawwww. open that can, assholes. So I'm good. Got what I need for the second, and know over the next week I got enough liquid cash coming in to do whatever it is i need to do.

So now that I'm sitting here realizing I'm 100x better than good just Not Right This Second, but finally in relative mastery of my schedule as long as I stop trying to conform, I can't help but look back at the lunacy of the last 3 months.

Like sure, in life I was always more nightowl aligned. But I could snap into Adult(TM) schedule. With the random passouts, I couldn't. I literally couldn't. And for some reason the heat of them came pretty much during normal 9-5 work hours. Then, duh, I decide to sleep through the worst period of my flares after a few months instead of Trying To Make It Work, and omg, I'm mostly functional.

Who woulda thunk if I didn't spend all my spoons fighting my body just to fit Normie Shit, I'd be able to hold coherent days.

That's where I've been since the holidays roughly, though the last week is realizing I HAVE finally found a tempo that works for more than a few days, this is NOT a temporary resolution. Now it's just working in those constraints.

But what a wild timeless dream ride like October through December were, jesus christ. Goddamn groundhog day. I feel you, Sam, I feel you buddy.

For what it's worth, finding that schedule has you know, given time meaning, instead of floating through Just Being In The Cosmos But Somehow Paying Rent In It or whatever that was for a season there. Jesus christ.

Literally none of it was lack of effort. The effort was there, it was just in a million tasks I could never finish before passing out again. Or at least not in the necessary order. WILD shit to experience.