#we are trying to not make him drink 3 liters of Cherry Coca Cola but he doesn't want anyone else to finish the floor I think so we just do

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

[trixcuomo]

The Kaja-Cola Flava Girls Reunite

((Welcome to my very fangirl headcanon for Trixany and my femme alts. Something cute, needlessly complex, and over-the-top for you to enjoy <3...))

Daily Mail Org: Zug zug folks, here we have it! Hot off the presses... the Kaja-Cola’s premier girl-band that helped spread the message of this exceptional Goblin party drink beyond Kezan, beyond Goblin lands, and tear into new world markets... And I mean literally, last week. They almost danced a man to death on the Stormwind tram in order to sell him Kaja-Cola... They’re back! In The Daily Mail Org studio today, we have all six of the original Flava Girls. Well, not so original--the newest addition, lucky lady number seven, is a beautiful Nightborne goddess.

Arcana Mama: Haha--yes, Arcana Mama. That would be me.

Daily Mail Org: Wow, she even has a sweet speaking voice.

Flava Girls: *all giggle and cheer*

Daily Mail Org: This is amazing. Your old fans, especially the Trixany Cuomo fangirls and fanboys out there, have to be thrilled. Today, the Flava Girls are officially no longer a throw-back.

Trixany: That sounds a little insulting, you know. We’re just grown--we’re all full-grown ladies! *laughs* We know what we want and we’re not taking any prisoners this time. Right, ladies?

Flava Girls: *wild cheers, wolf-whistle*

Daily Mail Org: Oh, of course! That’s what I meant. And Trixany has been the lead singer. It’s her successful parody career that ignited the spark for the Flava Girls to come back, am I right? You wanna talk about that, Trixany?

Trixany: Well, it’s no secret that the band sort of went its own way when I broke out. I wanted to go solo, see what I could do. But the girls were always there for me, we kept in touch...

Daily Mail Org: Uh, really? You destroyed their careers single-handed and we’re supposed to believe you were having wine-and-cheese nights, holding hands, crying on each other’s shoulders?

Mega Meghan Mango: *husky Tauren voice* Spiritually, we were always connected. Even when we weren’t talking to each other, we were attuned to what was going on in each other’s lives. The band wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t get on the scrying orb one time and tell Trixany, “Look. I can see what that rivalry with Haris Pilton is doing to you. I can see it crushing your soul, Trix. This isn’t you.”

Trixany: Oh my gods, she’s so right. I can’t believe I forgot about that! Now I remember, that was Meghan and Jojo, right? Where’s Mojo Jojo? Why are you sitting way back there, girl? Come on, scoot up so they can see you.

From left to right: Mojo Jojo (Troll), Shuga Slam (Orc), Fiesta LimeTrixany (Blood Elf), Cocoa Crush (Goblin), Mega Meghan Mango (Tauren).

Mojo Jojo: *chill Troll voice* Ya, ya, mon. Dat was me and Meghan. I asked miss Trixany-mon, ‘What joo gonna do about dat nasty richmon Haris? Dis needs to stop right hea, right now.”

Trixany: And Jojo, you said something about a loa... By the Sunwell, I can’t remember that part exactly, it was good too--

Org Daily Mail: Did Mojo Jojo try to sign you up with Bwonsamdi, Trixany? That sounds more like a career-ending move to me.

Mojo Jojo: *cackles wildly*

Trixany: That’s not at all what she did--

Mojo Jojo: No, no. I tol’ her that she betta make a bargain with Kimbul quick so the tiga loa can tear dat witch up for spreadin’ dose rumors.

Arcana Mama: Oh my word... No she didn’t!

Shuga Slam: *orcish accent* Yes, she did. She did it for the Horde!

Trixany: Hahaha...

Cocoa Crush: *goblin siprano* Yeah, that’s totally something Trix would do anyway on her own. If not Kimbul, then she would have paid the Goblin mob or something--

Trixany: Oh my Garrosh--Don’t say that out loud!

Org Daily Mail: Wait, did she? What’s that sly smile, Trixany?

Trixany: Okay, so I did sign on with Kimbul for a while during BFA--um, didn’t everyone?--and maybe Haris Pilton’s career did tank for a while. But was it a coincidence? You decide. Remember when she fell off the stage during that Consortium fashion show last spring? *shrugs* I don’t know if I believe in the loa stuff. As a Blood Elf, I guess it’s probably against my brand--

Mojo Jojo: Ya, I don’ tink you should claim dat.

Trixany: ...But at least now Haris does. She’s a devout believer in Kimbul. I hear she’s sworn never to go to Zuldazar, for fear of him.

Org Daily Mail: ...Ouch. But Trix, can you finish up the story for us? What happened to make you go to the Kaja-Cola Company and get the band back together?

Cocoa Crush: No, I should tell this part. Trixany wasn’t actually thea.

Trixany: *frowns, but tries not to say anything*

Org Daily Mail: What’s this? More sibling drama!

Cocoa Crush: I told the Kaja-Cola Company that people need thoughtless entertainment these days. Tha kinda fluffy, pathetic, ‘I’m dancing in a tube-top, look at me’ stuff that only my big step-sista Trixany could provide. And they agreed with me. Let’s not lie, I’m the brains hea. The fourth war was hard on everyone, and it was about the only way the company could get people to start drinking Kaja-Cola again.

Trixany: ...Yes.

Org Daily Mail: Trixany? Is that all you have to say?

Trixany: Legally, yes. That’s how it happened. Except for that tube-top jab my sis squeezed in there--

Coca Crush: After you drunk butt-dialed the Kaja-Cola Company for the last time, you betta be lucky I’m still even speakin’ to ya. I’m always cleaning up my step-sister’s drama. Ironic, too. They were getting ready to call Horde Records and have them drop her butt!

Shuga Slam: Ouch. Sounds like it’s always lok’tar ogar at the Cuomo house.

Trixany: Grr...

Cocoa Crush: But! I also saved my step-sista’s career. And now I’m officially the underwriter, so I’ll get the song credits I was supposed to be getting this whole time.

Cocoa Crush (Troll), Arcana Mama (Nightborne), Fiesta Lime Trixany (Blood Elf), Shuga Slam (Orc), Mega Meghan Mango (Tauren)

Black Cherry Dahlia: *smokey Forsaken voice* Nobody has asked about me yet. Or why I’m always getting cut off in all the publicity photos!

*girls screaming, then the male Orc interviewing starts yelling too*

Shuga Slam: Actually, why am I screaming? Me and my fangs get cut off on the other side of the photo if it’s not spooky Dahli getting cropped out.

Cocoa Crush: Eh, blame the KCC. They mix it up dependin’ on tha demographic they’re selling Kaja-Cola to.

Org Daily Mail: Blood and thunder! Black Cherry Dahlia? You’re a damned scary dame. I’m even impressed! How’d you even get into the studio? You weren’t here before? I could swear it--

Black Cherry Dahlia: I’m more than ready to spread Kaja-Cola products through Forsaken lands like the mighty Plague we all know and love.

Meghan Mega Mango: Do we... Does anyone love the Plague? Officially?

Mojo Jojo: You gotta take dat kinda stuff up with Bwonsamdi, dat not be in my contract, Undead-mon.

Shuga Slam: I’m not commenting, either. I’m Frostwolf Clan by birth, and I don’t need that kind of drama following me around on the Orc social media streams. If Eitrigg or Thrall unfriends me, I’m dead. Black Cherry, will you tone it down! It was bad enough when Sylvanas burned that tree. Don’t go burning our careers down! Again!

Org Daily Mail: One last thing. My producer is telling me now that you all have secret identities when you’re not out saving the world with your music. Care to go into detail?

Trixany: Other way around. We’re already strong fighters for the Horde. Saving lives, our lands, our people--that’s a daily thing. Our real names--I guess except for mine I suppose--those are the secret. But everyone knows our stage names.

Org Daily Mail: That doesn’t make any sense. Here ya go, while we try to figure this one out... We’re going to play some more Flava Girls footage in the background for the people streaming at home on their scrying orbs.

Trixany: Yes it does so make sense! It’s like... Jem and the Holograms but it’s flipped around. They were a band but nobody knew they were actually running around helping people, right?

Cocoa Crush: I told Trixany not to bingewatch that Jem show while she was drinkin’. *sigh*

Org Daily Mail: I’m pretty sure it’s the exact same thing, NOT flipped. You’re musicians, but you also have secret identities for when you’re fighting your enemies. This whole time, I never called any of you by your real names.

Trixany: Anyway, come see us perform. And if any of you fans out there recognize one of us in real life too, please don’t out us! We need to keep our true stage identities secret in order to play the happy, sassy music that we do.

Org Daily Mail: I’m still confused.

Arcana Mama: Yes, I think Trixany just really wants the ‘magical girl’ element as part of our aesthetic. It’s okay.

Trixany: There are wants and needs, Arcana. ‘Magical girl’ is a need for me.

Org Daily Mail: Alright! Well, thanks for coming into the studio, ladies. We look forward to seeing your heavily synchronized dances and auto-tuned voices wherever the Horde needs joy. Can you sing a little something for us before you go? Or, does that need to go through rehearsals and a pre-recorded lip-synching session first?

Black Cherry Dahlia: We’d better do it. This grimy Orc has been insulting us the entire time, ladies. I think he needs correcting. *cracks knuckles, neck super loudly*

Flava girls: *Trixany counts out a beat first, then they all hold hands and harmonize* Nobody loves Azeroth better I'mma stick with Malfurion forever Nobody gonna take Azzy higher That's why you're my Shan'dooo Only Malfy appreciates her Forget Tyrande--my archdruid baby! Nobody ever healed Azeroth this way No Shan'don't. He's my Shan'dooo!**

Org Daily Mail: LOKTAR!! Wow, that’s... all kinds of meta and complicated, yet LIT! It’s even cross-faction. I love it!! Tyrande won’t--but hey! Let’s hear it for the Kaja-Cola Flava Girls, everybody!

*The girls stand, still holding hands, and they curtsey beautifully. Then tall Meghan suddenly picks up a squealing Trixany. The other girls cheer and shake Kaja-Cola bottles. They spray a rainbow of tropical soda on everything*

All the Flava Girls: Arcana Mama (Nightborne), Mojo Jojo (Troll), Cocoa Crush (Goblin), Fiesta Lime Trixany (Blood Elf), Mega Meghan Mango (Tauren), Shuga Slam (Orc), Black Cherry Dahlia (Forsaken)

((**Parody song is Shan’dooo by Trixany @trixcuomo​))