#we got unlucky. It was cloudy/snowing all but one day. the one day it wasn't the bz wasn't low enough and the kp wasn't high enough
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Well. The light show was a bust. RIP
#it's disappointing...to say the least#i've been back for almost a week now so I've had time to process before I write#we got unlucky. It was cloudy/snowing all but one day. the one day it wasn't the bz wasn't low enough and the kp wasn't high enough#the most we saw was what looked like white fog through the clouds even through a camera#apparently the day before we got there and the day after we left it was beautiful but were just unlucky#and social media algorithms know I track it and now after it's like it's mocking me showing the beauty I never got to see#i'll likely never get another chance...at times like these i feel like my life was just a massive failure in all regards#i know it's a game of chance but i had hoped maybe the universe would grant me one wish. One kindness. But I've never been lucky have i?#but you miss it if you don't try at all and I did. I did try. That's all you can do#i've been a bit depressed since but I'm determined to actually live a little and explore after all I live in such a beautiful place#i thought all the hikes would be inaccessible but I found some and I'm determined to see the beautiful things all around me#there are books I want to read and food I want to bake. Maybe if I last we'll try again#though extremely difficult the travel is#and there were some good things like I met some amazing people and cuddled with five dogs in a cuddle pile 🥰#they seemed to sense I was in pain and were gentle around my legs. Codiac always demanded More attention#even as he's already in your lap and you're already petting him 😂 even the shy wolf mix joined my pile 🥹#i got jokes that I'm a cyborg or biomech based on the scanner and x rays lol. saw and touched some Aspen trees and saw the big dipper#but overall a disappointment and I'm recovering now...not sure what to do next honestly#it's hard. How do you cope when you Know there's no purpose to the pain...to all this suffering. It was all for nothing. Why continue?#my dreams are all dead and I'm resigned to disappointment. hope is a curse#but part of me claws for breath saying I want to live I want to live if only for the hope of it getting better or finally experiencing...#but I never do. I just get worse and worse relegated to a solitary room resigned to disappointment and pain and failure#why continue suffering for suffering's sake? But I have to try. I hear hiccup's voice and remember my promise#idk why. Things are constantly downhill and my dreams die and I never amounted to anything and my body is a broken nightmare#I'm heartbroken but I'll pick myself up. Try another day as long as I can. And now I'm making mini goals#I wish to read The Lost Metal in November. That's what I'll do for now#but yeah my one chance failed. That's just the way of it I suppose. I just have to be resigned to that now. Maybe eternity will be kinder.#after all hope is painful. ive added much salt to the sea#to one more day then#p
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