#worse bc it was meaner and more deliberate and more explicitly exclusionary. and i KNEW it was happening bc I'd been thru it before | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thestarmaker · 9 months

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The thing abt spending pretty much all your teenage years being treated like shit by most of your "friends" is that it's so so hard to believe people *enjoy* spending time with you. Like sorry, people WANT to hang out and LIKE my personality? They don't just wanna make fun of or do things specifically without me??? It's possible??? 🥹

#i went from being mostly ignored in middle school to being teased constantly by most of my 'friend' group in high school #(it was one of those very toxic codependent clusters as opposed to a real friend group bc we were all So mentally ill)#to having one good year of college then it happening all over again w different people but worse #worse bc it was meaner and more deliberate and more explicitly exclusionary. and i KNEW it was happening bc I'd been thru it before #i just didn't have a way of doing anything abt it aside from isolating myself until the others fully realized what was happening #now like??? my coworkers like me a lot and are happy when they're on a shift w me???#and a friend's housemates really like me too??? im not just a nuisance??? they actively want me to come visit???#i had such a lonely adolesence followed by seeking refuge with people who at best didn't care if they hurt me #at worst actively wanted to make me feel bad abt myself #(btw if my college friends see this i love you and don't hold what vape lord was doing against you bc we were all caught up in it)#it's nice to be loved but it's also. so overwhelming im not used to this #this is not asking for sympathy or anything pls don't try to comfort me abt this it'll just make me uncomfortable #it's SO overwhelming like what do i do with the feelings in my chest it gives me. WHAT do i do it builds up too much

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