#yeah!! he was not on my 2023 bingo card but i'm very very glad he's in my life now

[thebeautifulfantastic]

girl who is this "My Guy" you speak of in your tags 👀👀👀👀👀

ohoho do i have a story to tell you, my friend :D

basically, i'm experiencing the "slow burn friends to lovers" trope, and it is both amazing and infuriatingly agonizing. fair warning, this is going to a looooong post, so jump to the end if you want the short version.

it all started back in the spring, after i got accepted to a performing arts college, and specifically to their first-year study abroad program in Spain. i was so pumped, and determined to make friends before college started, so i found one of those [college name] class of 27 instagram accounts and as people's intros were posted, made it a point to follow and dm anyone else who said they would also be doing their first year abroad. *sigh* yes, i was shamelessly sliding into people's dms. but strictly with the purpose of friendship! anyways, this Boy's picture and little intro paragraph gets posted to the account, and he says he's in the study abroad program, so i dm him, as had become my custom -- it's a very simple "hi nice to meet you" exchange -- and he follows me back.

a few weeks later, my photo and little intro paragraph get posted to the account, and he sends me a dm. he's like "IT'S YOU" and i'm like "IT IS!" and he's like "you have such a good voice!" (because there was a video of me singing in my post) and i'm like "thank you!" and he's like "you are MOST welcome." and then, because in my intro i had mentioned that i'm a total nerd, he also says "and don't worry, i'm a nerd too." this is word-for-word accurate, by the way -- i just checked. so we messaged for a good while, bonding over nerdy topics.

a couple days later he replied to my instagram story and we had another mini nerd-out moment, and then a couple days after that i mustered up the courage to message him and ask if he might be interested in working on some creative projects together once the school year started. that was the conversation that really broke the ice, because after that, we were messaging back and forth every single day, talking about anything and everything, getting to know each other and quickly realizing that we had a lot in common. actually, the second thing we bonded over after our shared nerdiness was that we were both liberal/progressive Christians who didn't love Christian media. and we fell in love right then and there... just kidding, there's much more to the story ;)

anyways! we became really close over the summer because we talked to each other so much. now so far i only saw him as a very good friend, because i had a massive crush on a girl (who i never confessed my feelings to, but i'm pretty sure she's straight anyway. canon bisexual experience, i guess) that he was very aware of because i told him about her. i wasn't really looking at any boy as someone i'd potentially be interested in, and i was just so thrilled to have found a new best friend that i connected with and who i'd get to see every day at college. i actually said, in conversation with a different friend of mine that "i've seen who i'll be going to college with, and i can assure you, i'm not going to have a crush on any of these people." yeah, right. famous last words.

but the plot thickens. as the summer drew to a close, it started looking like i wouldn't be able to study abroad or attend this college at all because of tuition costs, and i was really, really sad. but honestly, what i was most sad about was that i wouldn't get to meet him in person just yet and would have to wait a whole year until he was at this college's US campus, which happens to be about an hour from where i live (his home state is quite far away from mine, so our friendship had developed entirely through the internet). i told him the news, that i wouldn't be joining him at college, and he was also sad because he was also super excited to meet me, but we agreed that we'd stay in touch and meet up in person someday, somehow.

summer ended, we kept talking, he left for Spain, and we still kept talking. however, there was a subtle shift in the tone of our conversations sometime after he arrived there, which is to say we started flirting. not intentionally, mind you. it just happened, in between the "i miss you" and the "i wish you were here, we would've raised so much hell" the both of us started playfully flirting, and it was so natural i didn't even realize it was flirting until several weeks had passed (that may also be because i am an oblivious fool). just subtle little things, like i would say "hey :) i miss you" and he would say "you're making me blush," and then we would playfully tease each other and laugh about it. there was one occasion where i was having a really rough day and later on he sent me the sweetest text i have ever received in my life and told me i was one of his favorite people in the world :'))

around this time he also started screenshotting my selfies that i sent him over instagram chat, and i noticed. i started suspecting that maybe he was into me as more then a friend at that point (because when a guy screenshots your face, that means something, right?) but at this point i was still in the Denial Stage of my feelings so i decided to not read into it too much. i also hadn't been physically attracted to him at first sight, so i was like "he's Just A Guy!! there's no way i can have feelings for him, because i'm not into guys right now. i just love his personality and our dynamic. that's all." yeah, RIGHT. just keep telling yourself that, Belle.

we were in mid-september by this point, and we had called a few times since he's been in Spain, and during one jet-lagged conversation while mutually lamenting that we couldn't hang out in-person, he happened to mention that even if he wouldn't be in my area for another year, there was nothing stopping me from visiting him when he goes home to the states for Christmas and winter break. internally, i thought "HECK YEAH" but what i actually said was something like, "you know what, that's a good point," and after that the daydreams began in earnest, but because i'm an idiot i told myself these were still strictly platonic feelings. we treated the idea of me visiting him as a rather unserious thing at first ("oh i just said that because i was jet-lagged and delirious, don't worry about it haha" -- yeah right, buddy, you literally just told me you miss me), but i couldn't get the idea out of my head.

and then of course, as is the way of things, i'm lying awake at night, thinking about him, and all of a sudden it hits me and i realize the worst has happened: i had developed feelings. romantic ones. my first reaction was literally "well shit this is embarrassing. i am so screwed." it was a very strange realization too, because none of it was based on his looks. i had never looked at him and thought "damn he's hot," i simply... loved him. the whole person.

(i should probably clarify that this isn't me calling him ugly or anything. he is a very good-looking person, and i knew that, subconsciously, but it wasn't a thought that really took up space in my brain because i just hadn't been looking at him that way. and now i do think he's cute! but i had to come to terms with my crush first.)

after realizing this, my first thought was that i didn't want to say anything about my feelings to him and accidentally look like an idiot ("because what if there's a chance he doesn't like me?" girl be so fr) so we just kept talking and the flirting got more and more obvious. i also started screenshotting his photos to see what would happen. what happened was more playful teasing. we called again and got all flustered with each other because it was so hard not to spill the tea. the idea of me visiting him was brought up again, with a more... uh... suggestive undertone? it was amazing. it was also unbearable.

it all came to a light one day in late september. i had told myself i wouldn't say anything about my feelings until we met in-person, but by the way we were flirting, i should have known we wouldn't be able to wait that long.

in perhaps the most random fashion, it started because his BeReal caption was "i cried to this song last night. someday i'll reveal the story" and i got a little worried upon reading that. so i texted him "are you okay? i saw your BeReal and i thought i would check in." his reply was something like "OH MY GOSH i'm fine i cried because i was super high last night," which, like, a little mortifying that i momentarily forgot weed existed, but i'm glad you're okay.

but then a few minutes later, he says "why did you screenshot my BeReal?" and my brain froze. i couldn't think of a single way to deflect or change the subject this time, so i thought fuck it and told him exactly why: "because you looked cute."

he goes "aha! there it is" and i said, "for how long have you been trying to get me to say that?" and he said "a while. i've liked you for a while."

i won't relay the whole conversation that followed because it was very long and also quite personal, but after we'd calmed down a bit from the love confession, we talked seriously about whether it would be a good idea to be in a relationship, and what things were worrying us, pros and cons, etc etc, and what we came to was that he personally needed some time to think about it all, but we would still plan on me visiting him.

and here we are! we still haven't met in person, but we will eventually, and it's nothing official yet (it's honestly kind of a situationship except we actually do talk about our feelings) but there's a lot of love on both ends. and i'm just so happy to know him at all, because if i hadn't randomly decided to slide into his dms none of this would have happened, and that would be a shame. we may be overdue for another serious conversation about relationship stuff (the flirting and teasing has continued, in addition to our more normal conversations) but that's the story so far. now you know, if i mention "the boy" or my "kinda bf" or "my guy" who i'm referring to. i can't reveal his real name here because that feels like an invasion of privacy, but it starts with an A, and sometimes i refer to him that way too :)

tl;dr -- he is a guy that i met online through the college i had planned on attending but actually didn't, we became close friends and stayed in touch and eventually developed feelings, and admitted those feelings for each other, and now we are More Than Friends But Not Officially Together because we haven't met in-person yet, but hopefully soon.