#yesterday it was him making taylor swift references that he didn't even understand in hopes someone would understand them and be happy

[allthegothihopgirls]

claiming my title as a long-time cracking the cryptic stan because i am a gatekeeper, a sudoku enthusiast, and mildly neurodivergent

[madeinxiu]

i understand

hanbin imagine 'cause why not

title is lowercase intended

angst (i love writing and imagining angsts)

listen to 'back to december' by taylor swift to get the desired feels

word count: 2075

It has been a long day for you and all you crave for at the moment is just hours of relaxation on your favorite night spot, the riverside. Every night you would always visit the river, just feeling the night's cold breeze as you listen to the passing vehicles on the road.

Unfortunately for the past weeks, you haven't been visiting the riverside as often because of the increasing pressure at work. But finally here you are, after a long day of exhaustion.

You glance around the place as you always do. Fate must've been playing with you when your sight landed on the back of a man's green hoodie, his posture slightly crouched, and you know that figure really well.

Thoughts ran through your head. You hesitated whether you should call his name and offer to talk. How stupid, you thought. How can you just casually call the name of that man and offer a small talk? That man who once gave you everything including his love. His love that you chose to throw aside.

Memories of that night quickly spread to your mind like wildfire. The way his eyes filled with sadness and tears, him saying nothing at all as you stared at him after you said the words "Hanbin, set me free."

The guy in green hoodie turned around, as if expecting someone to be there, and locked eyes with you. You searched for something, just anything, in his eyes but it showed nothing. Not love, not hate, just nothing.

He made his way towards you with his lazy walk. As soon as he reached your way, no one dared to speak up first. You just looked at each other. But then he decided to break the silence.

"Hey," he greeted with a smile. You couldn't be any more happier because of that smile. It's beautiful.

"Hanbin," you breathed out. It was silently spoken but it carried the weight of just saying his name.

"You know, I was actually here yesterday as well since someone told me you often hang around this place. It's nice," he stated softly like the way he always talks, eyes wandering around the place.

Silence overtook the place once again as your mind was filled with questions. You're confused why he'd visit the place just because someone told him that you often visit it. You're confused as to why you felt this way in front of him when you're the one who pushed him away. You're confused as to why he doesn't seem like he hates you just like you thought he would.

He landed his eyes on you and you can't help but catch the familiar look in his eyes that you so strongly miss. He's still the same Hanbin you hurt a year ago.

"Why- why are you here?" you finally managed to ask.

"Let's get some coffee first. It's getting chilly out here anyway so let's go in a cafe," he said and turned around to go to the direction of a nearby cafe.

"Wait," you called to him but he didn't hear you. You just decided to follow him and go along with everything that's happening.

After ordering and finding a good seat spot, you decided to clear out the confusion and asked him directly.

"Hanbin, what's going on?" He answered right away,

"I wanted to talk to you. Just about anything."

You have convinced yourself that Hanbin hated you since he's the type of person who holds a grudge especially if it includes his feelings. But now here he is in front of you, claiming he wants to talk to you about anything.

Awkwardness surrounded the area. You just don't want to bring up anything from the past especially hurtful memories from your break up so you just sat and thought of things to say. Whereas Hanbin just silently observes your awkward self like he always did back then.

"I just, I'm- I am glad you came all the way to this city to see me," you silently say with your head partially bowed in embarrassment.

Hanbin just responds with a chuckle. Luckily, the orders came, saving you from the awkwardness.

"How's life, I guess?" If he wants to talk to you, you might as well start the conversation and pretend you don't feel uncomfortable.

"Life's good. Still the usual. Work is busier than ever, it's tiring so this atmosphere relaxes me. I kinda miss my family too," he rambles.

"Oh, Hanbyul. How is she?" you really just spout random things to say to not let the silence overtake your table.

"She just started primary school last month and I couldn't be any more prouder." You admired the love Hanbin has for his little sister. You adore Hanbyul so much so hearing this news is also satisfying for you.

With the short length of your talks, you realized one thing. He has his guards up. And you know why. It's because the last time Hanbin saw you is still fresh in his mind and the words you spoke are still loud. He's protecting himself.

FLASHBACK

Hanbin had been feeling uneasy with your relationship for the past weeks. He'd noticed you've been distancing yourself away from him and you never answered his calls and messages. According to your housemate, you've only been inside your room and never went out unless you needed to eat or take a shower.

He respected your decision of wanting space at first. But as time passes, he realizes it gets unhealthy in your relationship.

So there he was, three roses on one hand and a fastfood takeout on the other hand, in front of your room.

With gentle knocks and a soft call of your name, you immediately know it's Hanbin. Your heart ached once again when you heard his voice.

Nonetheless, you should make your decision.

And so you let him in. Hanbin couldn't be any more happier that you let him in.

The first thing that he wanted to do was embrace you tightly but he saw your expression and realized something bad is going to happen.

"Y/N, babe," said Hanbin quietly as he inches forward. The things on his hands were placed on the desk in your room.

"Hanbin, please," you replied, your voice sounding exhausted as if you're tired of everything.

"What do you mean, babe? What's wrong?"

"Let us not pretend like nothing's wrong, Hanbin. You know well what's happening," you answered soullessly. You can't ignore the fact that your heart is slowly breaking as your conversation goes.

"Y/N, just tell me, please," Hanbin pleads and you heard the desperation in his voice.

Silence surrounded the room.

"I barely saw you for the past weeks, please just tell me what's wrong-" you cut him off without even noticing you did.

"That's the point. The moment I needed you the most, you weren't there. The time where your fans called me a 'slut', a 'bitch', a 'stealer'. Hanbin, it hurts. Their words hurt," you said, though silently, the exasperation is still heard.

"We talked about this, Y/N. Please let's just ignore them. We can't let them ruin us," Hanbin pleads and you can see the need in his eyes as he reaches for your hand. You quickly directed your eyes away from his as you feel yours get filled with tears.

"They obviously hate me, Hanbin."

"But I love you."

"Your love will not stop the death threats I receive from some of your fans, okay?! I can stand it if it's just against me but my family is also getting threats!" By now, tears are falling from your eyes and you wiped it quickly away.

Hanbin took few steps backwards in shock.

"You didn't tell me you received death threats," he said silently as he stares at you with sad eyes.

"Hanbin, set me free."

You were being selfish, you're well aware. You're hurting him, you're aware. But you believe this is the only way for Hanbin to live without media and the fans bugging him about having you as his girlfriend.

You also wanted to save yourself from the harsh words the society shouts at you. Instead of talking it out with Hanbin, you decided to end everything and left him alone. It's selfish.

Hanbin's eyes slowly fills with tears and his lips form a thin line. He looked down for a moment and when he raised his head once again, your heart broke for the hundredth time that day.

He has a sad smile on his face, tears he so desperately prevents from falling, and eyes talking to you.

"I understand," said Hanbin and quickly pulled you in for a hug. "Please live the best life you deserve."

You loved him and you still do. The moment he wished you the best life that day is the time you hated yourself for not being strong enough. He didn't deserve a coward person like you.

"Why did you really came to see me, Hanbin?" you said after minutes of long silence. You figured he had something important to say. It has been a year since you broke up and him showing up like this is really suspicious.

"Honestly, I went here to give you something," he said with a soft voice and reached in the pocket of his hoodie.

"I had this when we were still together. I figured I'd give it to you for our second anniversary. But then, you know, it happened." He said while holding a beautiful necklace on his palm. Memories once again filled your mind.

"I've been holding on to this ever since we parted ways. This gave me hope everytime I'd thought about you. She has been a great companion," he said, referring to the necklace as a 'she'.

"But now, I'll give her to you. I realized I've been holding on to this for too long and now I'm ready to finally move on. I'm ready to finally let go of you," he said.

He has been staring down at the necklace while talking and as he lifted his eyes to look at you, you felt the longing between you two.

You said nothing but only looked at his eyes. You still love him.

"Here, please take it," he said, finally breaking the painful eye contact.

"No."

Hanbin looked at you, taken aback.

"Sorry, what?"

You stood up and dragged him out of the cafe. You just let your heart decide this time.

"I'm sorry for everything. I'm ready to lower my pride just to say this, Hanbin. I hate myself for leaving and I hate myself because I still love you," you said while swallowing your pride.

"You can't just say that, Y/N," Hanbin said, his voice sounding stronger.

"I'm sorry but this is how I feel. I'd go back to the night we broke up just to fix things. I regret not having to fight for us. I regret being too selfish at that time-" he cut you off.

"You're still being selfish now!" he said, almost raising his voice.

You felt small under his gaze and his voice.

He continued emotionally, "You told me to set you free and I painfully finally did. Set me free, Y/N."

"But freedom only did nothing but made me miss you more. I only ever realized how important you are when you're not mine anymore." You know you already sound desperate. You couldn't care less. Hanbin is finally in front of you and this is the only chance you have to fix the things you broke including each other's hearts.

"What do you want me to do? I am trying so hard to forget you, Y/N. I am fixing myself," he said, just as desperate as you. You saw how broken he'd become because of you.

You let his words sink in to you. You already broke him and you want to fix him by making him yours again? That's just selfish.

"If we loved again, I swear I would love you right," you sincerely says as you continue,

"But if the chain is on your door and your heart is already closed, I understand. I'll also let you go now," you said, the emotions in your wavering voice is eminent, as tears fill up your eyes.

"I'm sorry, Y/N, but I need to guard myself now. I don't want to get hurt again." And he grabs your hand as he places the necklace on your palm.

"Goodbye."