#you scritch that boy right now god damnit

[gildedmuse]

Umbrella Academy's No Pets Rule

KRISSY: Would Diego have pets

MINA: Does Klaus count as a pet?

KRISSY: Besides Klaus

MINA: No he's a dark loner damnit!

A dark loner who is friendly with the police... And everyone at the gym. And seems to be generally liked by most people not his family. And also he loves his family

Total dark loner

KRISSY: Would he name his dog something badass?

Like Ripper or Shadow or Fang

MINA: If somehow Diego ended up with a dog he would refuse to acknowledge he was so obviously taking care of or and insist of calling it generic names like mutt and buddy until someone like Patch, Grace, or Klaus named it.

Also he would love that dog with his whole heart.

Vanya or Allison would also be allowed to name it. It seems unlikely Five would care enough to name it. If Luther tried to name it Diego would insist on leaving it nameless just as a fuck you

He would get it a black harness that looked like one of his

Not because it's really his dog, but he heard that harnesses are safer than leashes or some shit. So you know, now it has one.

He would definitely not come back from a mission, get slightly drunk, snuggle with it on the bed and at some point hold his mask up to the dog and drunkenly pretend it was a super dog.

There isn't video proof of that so it didn't happen

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Klaus: What are you gonna name it?

Diego: I'm not naming it anything, it's not my dog.

Klaus: It needs a name, Diego! It's not like Five.

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MINA: I feel like that's a good way to get the poor puppy named Eight

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Klaus: I always pictured you being more of a cat person. You know, all solitary and hiss if you get near them.

Diego: When I have ever hissed?

Klaus: You get HISSY. Oh, plus, they have claws! It's like they carrying tiny knives around all the time!

Diego: -Looks down at the six knives he currently has strapped to his body- I am not a cat.

-flashback to Diego purring when Patch scritches him behind the ear-

Five: -Judgy Face- Are you two idiots discussing what animal you are?

Klaus: Diego's a cat.

Diego: I am not a-- -sigh, rub temple-

Five: -Nods like right, of course- Horseshoe Crab

Diego: -Looks up-

Diego & Klaus: - Matching confused faces-

Klaus: Wait what? You know Five if you needed us to take you to a clinic.

Five: -glare- No, you idiot. I'd be a Horseshoe crab. I had a lot of time to think living after the Apocalypse and that's what I settled on. Delores disagrees. She says I'm more of a shark. -Nostolgic smile- She always did know just what to say. But no, I think it's more likely if be a Horseshoe crab. -Leaves. No further explanation-

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KRISSY: What would Klaus even be

MINA: Klaus can only ever be Klaus

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Allison: Klaus? As an animal. God, probably something flashy. -Eyeroll- One of those bright exotic birds that mimics human speech without understanding it. I don't know, it's not something you usually think about is it, what people would be as animals. -Pause- Diego would be a cat.

Ben: Don't lemmings throw themselves off cliffs rather than live? -Pointed look at his brother-

Luther: Is this a joke. Come on guys, is this really the time right after dad died?

Vanya: Umm.. I don't know. I guess I've always thought of him as a bit showy not in a bad way or anything. Like maybe a Peacock? I mean not that you guys were asking me, I know...

Five: Klaus? Madagascar Sunset Moth -No further explanation-

Diego: Probably a dog -Looks at Eight- Follows you home without permission, shits all over the place and expects you to clean it up, can't look after itself, annous the hell out of me.... Yeah I'm talking about you, Eight. -Scratches him behind his ears be ausr hex a good boy-

Klaus: You didn't even mention leg-humping

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ETA: Extra points to anyone who can get Five's reasoning