a-hedonistic-dreamer

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

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[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

The Edge

All my life, people have hurt me in the most painful ways. When I say 'painful', I don't mean it in the cliched sense or that they've hurt me too many times. What I mean is, people have always waited for me to break into the tiniest fucking fragment of myself before they have apologised for causing me this pain.

After years of enduring this suffering, today I have finally found the words to explain it. No, this is not a suicide note. It is just an honest reflection of what my life has been so far. And I'm going to keep it short, but if you do decide to read this, please pay attention -

When I was a child, all the people that bullied or harassed me would continue to do it until I would be shit scared, burst into tears or have a panic attack right in front of them. When I was sexually assaulted (on multiple occasions), as a child and as a teenager, the abusers would wait for me to show extreme discomfort and hesitation, only then would they stop touching me without my consent. When my mentally abusive parents torture me to satisfy their own empty lives, they do it until I'm in tears, shivering and losing control of myself. My romantic partners have watched me physically hurt myself before apologising for their behaviour. It's like, my voice has always gone unheard until the very last moment. I could cite a million more examples here, but I hope you can sense the pattern already?

People have always driven me to the fucking edge of a cliff, and on the way I have been bruised and ruined by infinite rocks and pebbles. These people not only drive me to the edge, but in some cases, they literally push me off the edge. And just when I'm about to let go, just when I'm losing the will to climb back up, just when I'm starting to think that collapsing would feel more liberating than rebuilding myself again, piece by piece - that's when they decide to give me a fucking hand, that's when they stop watching me crumble and decide to apologize because no one would want to take responsibility for a human life.

It's like, I have been screaming into this void all my life, and I have been strong enough to mend myself each time. But not all people can have that strength. And, I was finally able to write about this because maybe, even I am not that strong anymore. And maybe, some day, The Edge will be the fucking End.

- Tanzeela

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

Dear Daughter...

If I ever find you looking at the mirror, admiring yourself in the new sexy dress you ordered online, I will not point at the bulge in your tummy or the slenderness of your arms.

If I ever find you walking out of our home with your braids untied, I will not point at the frizziness of your locks or the thinness of your barnet.

If I ever find you laughing your heart out, I will not point at the freckles in your smile or the gap between your teeth.

If I ever find you speaking loudly in the presence of the men of our house, I will not ask you to lower your voice.

If I ever find you crying into your pillow at 2am, I will not question your sadness.

If I ever see a boy walking you home past curfew, I will not question your worthiness or your character.

Because,

I want to help you pick out the perfect heels for your beautiful dress.

I want to untie your braids with my fingers and set those curls free.

I want to laugh with you every time Phoebe sings Smelly Cat.

I want to side with you every time you make your brother or your father shut up about a typical sexist joke.

I want to offer you my shoulder to cry on when that one boy breaks your heart into pieces.

And I want to wait at the doorstep while you kiss him goodbye, only to ask you how your date was, as soon as you come home.

I promise to never make you feel like you're not enough or tell you that you are not allowed to feel what you're feeling or that you are not supposed to look a certain way.

But most of all, I will love you more than the number of times I was made to hate myself.

And I will make you value yourself enough, so that every time the world asks you to change who you are, you won't feel like pulling that trigger on your head, like I almost did.

From,

The one who hopes to be your safe place.

- Tanzeela.

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

I will.

I will step into the storm, I will let it take me where you belong.

I will move mountains, I will wait for turning tides, only to see the freckles in your smile.

I will let the sound of your laugh sync with every beat of my heart.

I will let my flames waver amidst the darkness of your soul.

I will clutch my fingers in yours every time I want to be home.

I will let my smile glimmer in the sparkle of your eyes.

I will be your rainbow when your skies are grey.

I will turn the dust of every pain into a golden haze.

I will let my love for you burn like embers of the setting sun.

And I promise, I will let it rise each day only to find the warmth in your embrace.

I will hold onto you like a happy memory that is never lost.

But,

If I love you a little,

Can you love me the most?

- Tanzeela

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

I will.

I will step into the storm, I will let it take me where you belong.

I will move mountains, I will wait for turning tides, only to see the freckles in your smile.

I will let the sound of your laugh sync with every beat of my heart.

I will let my flames waver amidst the darkness of your soul.

I will clutch my fingers in yours every time I want to be home.

I will let my smile glimmer in the sparkle of your eyes.

I will be your rainbow when your skies are grey.

I will turn the dust of every pain into a golden haze.

I will let my love for you burn like embers of the setting sun.

And I promise, I will let it rise each day only to find the warmth in your embrace.

I will hold onto you like a happy memory that is never lost.

But,

If I love you a little,

Can you love me the most?

- Tanzeela

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

"Dazed mornings and coffee,

A book in hand,

And I found a quote to underline."

- Tanzeela

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

A Letter To The Man I Love The Most

To the man of my dreams,

I had once told you that I want us to last long enough, if not forever. But you made me fall in love with you more and more each day and now, I’ve started to believe in forever.

I want to spend forever making you happy and loving you for who you are. I want to spend forever listening to the sound of your heartbeat as I lay in your arms each night. I want to spend forever looking into your beautiful eyes. I want to spend forever listening to your soothing voice that makes everything okay. I want to hold your hand and know that I am going to hold it forever. I want to wake up in your arms every morning. I want to hold you in a tight embrace and never let you go. I want to dream all your dreams. I want to starve all your fears. I want to smile with you every time you kiss my forehead or call me your “baby”. I want to laugh with you every time we crack one of our silly jokes. I want to punch you every time you annoy me. I want to have pillow fights with you. I want to seduce you when you’re busy playing video games or watching some stupid sports shit. I want to wake up on a Sunday morning and make pancakes for you. I want you to hold me tight when I wake up at 3am shivering because of a terrible nightmare. I want to play with your hair when you lie on my lap and cry about having a bad day. I want to get drunk with you on the roof and fall asleep in your arms while counting stars in the middle of the night. I want to watch the sunrise with you and talk about our insecurities. I want to dance in the rain with you. I want to sing songs for you in my disgusting voice every time you are mad at me. I want us to go on adventures and live the hell out of our lives. I want you to touch the forbidden places of my soul. I want you to love me in ways no one ever has. I want to kiss your scars while you tell me about your worst battles. I want to fall in love with your flaws. I want to trace my fingers on your body and tell you that you are the man of my dreams. I want to make love to you and dwell in the fragrance of your soul. I want to marry you, have babies of our own and build our own home. I want to be your go-to place every time something goes wrong or right in your life. I want to be your home. I want to be your forever. I want to be your ever after.

I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. You made me believe in forever. But I discovered what it really means to me.

For me, “forever” is the comfort that I find in your arms, and nowhere else. Forever is the warmth in your smile. Forever is the mystery in your eyes. Forever is the freckles on your cheeks. Forever is your intoxicating glance. Forever is the music in your voice. Forever is the way your heartbeat syncs with mine. And “forever” is just a word if you are not by my side.

I love you.

From,

Your babygirl.

Tanzeela.

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

A Letter To The Man I Love The Most

To the man of my dreams,

I had once told you that I want us to last long enough, if not forever. But you made me fall in love with you more and more each day and now, I've started to believe in forever.

I want to spend forever making you happy and loving you for who you are. I want to spend forever listening to the sound of your heartbeat as I lay in your arms each night. I want to spend forever looking into your beautiful eyes. I want to spend forever listening to your soothing voice that makes everything okay. I want to hold your hand and know that I am going to hold it forever. I want to wake up in your arms every morning. I want to hold you in a tight embrace and never let you go. I want to dream all your dreams. I want to starve all your fears. I want to smile with you every time you kiss my forehead or call me your "baby". I want to laugh with you every time we crack one of our silly jokes. I want to punch you every time you annoy me. I want to have pillow fights with you. I want to seduce you when you're busy playing video games or watching some stupid sports shit. I want to wake up on a Sunday morning and make pancakes for you. I want you to hold me tight when I wake up at 3am shivering because of a terrible nightmare. I want to play with your hair when you lie on my lap and cry about having a bad day. I want to get drunk with you on the roof and fall asleep in your arms while counting stars in the middle of the night. I want to watch the sunrise with you and talk about our insecurities. I want to dance in the rain with you. I want to sing songs for you in my disgusting voice every time you are mad at me. I want us to go on adventures and live the hell out of our lives. I want you to touch the forbidden places of my soul. I want you to love me in ways no one ever has. I want to kiss your scars while you tell me about your worst battles. I want to fall in love with your flaws. I want to trace my fingers on your body and tell you that you are the man of my dreams. I want to make love to you and dwell in the fragrance of your soul. I want to marry you, have babies of our own and build our own home. I want to be your go-to place every time something goes wrong or right in your life. I want to be your home. I want to be your forever. I want to be your ever after.

I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. You made me believe in forever. But I discovered what it really means to me.

For me, "forever" is the comfort that I find in your arms, and nowhere else. Forever is the warmth in your smile. Forever is the mystery in your eyes. Forever is the freckles on your cheeks. Forever is your intoxicating glance. Forever is the music in your voice. Forever is the way your heartbeat syncs with mine. And "forever" is just a word if you are not by my side.

I love you.

From,

Your babygirl.

Tanzeela.

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

A Long Night.

I am awakened by the sudden movement of his arms as they pull me closer into a tight embrace. I open my eyes and I look around as I listen to the wind blowing through the trees outside, breaking the silence of the night. My room is dark with a slight tint of moonlight shining through the curtains. I can make out the shadows of the objects spread across the room. I turn towards him and I curl up into his arms, letting the tips of my fingers move across the bare skin of his chest as the soft sound of his breath leaves a trail of serenity in the air, making it warmer. I move closer and I bury my face in his chest as my hands stretch across his body and encircle his waist. I can feel his warmth against my skin as I close my eyes trying to figure out the faint sound of his heartbeat. The sound becomes clearer and makes my heart beat faster than usual. I start to recall the way he made love to me. The way his skin brushed against mine. The way his touch electrified every cell in my body. The way his love seeped through my skin and fixed all the broken pieces that were buried deep inside. The way he whispered my name every time he kissed every inch of my skin. The way his breath continued to mix with mine as he slipped his fingers through my hair. The way he bit my lips, making me crave his presence harder than ever. The way he came to me in pieces and existed in me, whole. I start to wonder how my fear of the dark faded into oblivion as the days spent with this man turned into months. I wonder how this man dreamed all my dreams and starved all my fears away. I wonder what he saw in my eyes the day he fell in love with me. And as my thoughts continue to escape my mind, I can still hear his heart beat against mine. The beats of his heart float through my ribs and touch my heart, like a wave crashes against the sea shores marking it’s territory. It’s like the song of our union is being sung by the universe, but we are the only ones who can hear it. He moves away suddenly, and now he is facing me. He pulls me towards himself. I see his eyes glistening in the dark. He smiles at me as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. I continue to look into his eyes gleaming with mystery, and he whispers to me, “I’ll love you forever”. The smile on my face widens as I say, “And I’ll love you even when forever starts to end”. I carefully place my hand on his cheek and move forward to caress his lips, and in that very moment, I realise what I hold so dear in this man. It’s his heart, that has polished my mirror. It’s the way his soul touches mine, as it dances through my ventricles and flows through my affections. It’s the way his existence overshadows the absence of every little thing. And it’s the way he resides in the depth of my mind, smothering my thoughts, and indulging in my dreams. He pins me down and moves above me as he kisses the corner of my eye. He moves down and places another soft peck on my cheek and on my neck as a whiff of his breath escapes his mouth and bounces onto my skin. And then he kisses my mouth as my arms hold him tight, my nails digging into his skin. He crushes his body tighter against mine, but at the same time, he holds me like I am something fragile. I let my fingers comb through his hair; his breath fills me. And when his body starts to move against mine, I surrender. I pull his body over mine like an eclipse of the sun; my last conscious thought begins to escape my mind. And just when I think his mouth cannot be more enticing, he says my name.

-Tanzeela.

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

The Walk

I still remember the night we were strolling, hand in hand, on the sidewalk, talking about how uncertain this world is.

We motioned along the endless path as your shoulder brushed against mine, once or twice, sending a wave of serenity down my spine. I loved the way you looked into my eyes every time I uttered something. I loved the way we shared moments of silence and then blurted out something at the same time. I loved the way your eyes twinkled in the dark, making the stars look lifeless.

And then that moment when you stopped and turned, pulling me closer within the fraction of a second. I could feel your heartbeat echoing on my skin, and I just couldn’t stop looking into your eyes. We stood there for a moment and just when my lips parted to say something, you kissed me, with all your emotions, like everything else in the world had just stopped. I still remember how I felt the caress of your breath on my cheek because in just one kiss I knew everything that you didn’t say.

And I think, the walk began that very day, just when I could feel you smiling in the middle of our kiss. I had felt a million different things in that moment, and as I looked up at you once again, your eyes said it all, you knew.

-Tanzeela

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

#writerscreed

The Mirror.

I stand here facing the mirror, my legs too weak to hold me any longer. The light is as pale as my face, and the shadow of my body falls behind me, onto the floor and fades away into fainter shades of grey. I feel nothing at all, my body is as numb as the cold of a bitter wind. I try to touch my face with my fingers that are as cold as ice, and I realize that my cheeks are moist. I am still not able to reckon the reason for my weakness. I try to understand what’s happening to me and I finally draw the courage to look up, at the mirror, right into my eyes, and I see tears running down my cheeks. I stare into my eyes for a few moments as I tremble with fear and despair, until I realize that the reflection I see in the mirror, isn’t mine. I continue to look into those eyes glistening with mystery. I look deeper, and I see an emotion, a very strong emotion which could kill you from within, an emotion which could cause immense damage to your soul, an emotion which could destroy you in a million different ways. What is that emotion? It is pain. I see pain hidden beneath the surface of the eyes that I see in the mirror. I see pain floating on the pale skin. It isn’t even close to the pain that you feel when you get a bruise on your body parts. It is far beyond the physical pain that is felt on a wound and is visible to the naked eye. Then what is it? It is emotional pain. The pain that breaks into your soul, the pain that seeps through the minute spaces amidst your skin. I start to shiver even more, as I try to wipe away the tears. I look up once again, dying to figure out who is the person that I see right in front of me? And I am finally able to agnize the blank face staring back at me. It is the face of the person who feels defeated. It is the face of a person who feels isolated. It is the face of a person who is afraid of the world. It is the face of a person who feels broken and lost. It is a person who is tired, of everything. It is nobody, but me. It is a weaker version of me who feels betrayed and lonely. It is not who I used to be and it is not who I wanted to be. It is someone who chose to take away my identity. I look at my face once again, I wipe the tears away, and I try to smile. I try till I succeed and now I am looking at the same face but this time it’s faking a smile, looking into the same eyes but this time they’re glistening with feigned solace, looking at the same skin but this time it is pale with an unnatural glow. I break down, yet again. I cry and I scream at the mirror. I give up in the battle between the two conflicting voices inside my head. I collapse on the floor with shattered dreams as I whisper to myself, “You lost”.

- Tanzeela

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

Sometimes.

Sometimes you just need to feel the dearth of their existence only to learn how to appreciate their presence.

Sometimes you just need to swallow the pain only to agnize what your soul can endure.

Sometimes you just need to drown in the misery only to realize that you do know how to swim.

Sometimes you just need to fake a smile only to discover how easy it is to make them believe that you are okay.

Sometimes you just need to believe in the most treacherous things only to know that hope is the only thing that can save you. 

Sometimes you just need to loosen the grip only to feel it curling back into what it is meant to be.

Sometimes you just have to forgive their flaws only to realize that their imperfections are the only things that make it worth your while.

Sometimes you just have to die in silence only to see if they will let you sink alone.

Sometimes you just have to weep in solitude only to know that you are a wreck without them.

And,

Sometimes you just have to let it go for a while, only to see if it would find it’s way back to you.

- Tanzeela.

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

A Long Night.

I am awakened by the sudden movement of his arms as they pull me closer into a tight embrace. I open my eyes and I look around as I listen to the wind blowing through the trees outside, breaking the silence of the night. My room is dark with a slight tint of moonlight shining through the curtains. I can make out the shadows of the objects spread across the room. I turn towards him and I curl up into his arms, letting the tips of my fingers move across the bare skin of his chest as the soft sound of his breath leaves a trail of serenity in the air, making it warmer. I move closer and I bury my face in his chest as my hands stretch across his body and encircle his waist. I can feel his warmth against my skin as I close my eyes trying to figure out the faint sound of his heartbeat. The sound becomes clearer and makes my heart beat faster than usual. I start to recall the way he made love to me. The way his skin brushed against mine. The way his touch electrified every cell in my body. The way his love seeped through my skin and fixed all the broken pieces that were buried deep inside. The way he whispered my name every time he kissed every inch of my skin. The way his breath continued to mix with mine as he slipped his fingers through my hair. The way he bit my lips, making me crave his presence harder than ever. The way he came to me in pieces and existed in me, whole. I start to wonder how my fear of the dark faded into oblivion as the days spent with this man turned into months. I wonder how this man dreamed all my dreams and starved all my fears away. I wonder what he saw in my eyes the day he fell in love with me. And as my thoughts continue to escape my mind, I can still hear his heart beat against mine. The beats of his heart float through my ribs and touch my heart, like a wave crashes against the sea shores marking it’s territory. It’s like the song of our union is being sung by the universe, but we are the only ones who can hear it. He moves away suddenly, and now he is facing me. He pulls me towards himself. I see his eyes glistening in the dark. He smiles at me as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. I continue to look into his eyes gleaming with mystery, and he whispers to me, “I’ll love you forever”. The smile on my face widens as I say, “And I’ll love you even when forever starts to end”. I carefully place my hand on his cheek and move forward to caress his lips, and in that very moment, I realise what I hold so dear in this man. It’s his heart, that has polished my mirror. It’s the way his soul touches mine, as it dances through my ventricles and flows through my affections. It’s the way his existence overshadows the absence of every little thing. And it’s the way he resides in the depth of my mind, smothering my thoughts, and indulging in my dreams. He pins me down and moves above me as he kisses the corner of my eye. He moves down and places another soft peck on my cheek and on my neck as a whiff of his breath escapes his mouth and bounces onto my skin. And then he kisses my mouth as my arms hold him tight, my nails digging into his skin. He crushes his body tighter against mine, but at the same time, he holds me like I am something fragile. I let my fingers comb through his hair; his breath fills me. And when his body starts to move against mine, I surrender. I pull his body over mine like an eclipse of the sun; my last conscious thought begins to escape my mind. And just when I think his mouth cannot be more enticing, he says my name.

-Tanzeela.

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

A Long Night.

I am awakened by the sudden movement of his arms as they pull me closer into a tight embrace. I open my eyes and I look around as I listen to the wind blowing through the trees outside, breaking the silence of the night. My room is dark with a slight tint of moonlight shining through the curtains. I can make out the shadows of the objects spread across the room. I turn towards him and I curl up into his arms, letting the tips of my fingers move across the bare skin of his chest as the soft sound of his breath leaves a trail of serenity in the air, making it warmer. I move closer and I bury my face in his chest as my hands stretch across his body and encircle his waist. I can feel his warmth against my skin as I close my eyes trying to figure out the faint sound of his heartbeat. The sound becomes clearer and makes my heart beat faster than usual. I start to recall the way he made love to me. The way his skin brushed against mine. The way his touch electrified every cell in my body. The way his love seeped through my skin and fixed all the broken pieces that were buried deep inside. The way he whispered my name every time he kissed every inch of my skin. The way his breath continued to mix with mine as he slipped his fingers through my hair. The way he bit my lips, making me crave his presence harder than ever. The way he came to me in pieces and existed in me, whole. I start to wonder how my fear of the dark faded into oblivion as the days spent with this man turned into months. I wonder how this man dreamed all my dreams and starved all my fears away. I wonder what he saw in my eyes the day he fell in love with me. And as my thoughts continue to escape my mind, I can still hear his heart beat against mine. The beats of his heart float through my ribs and touch my heart, like a wave crashes against the sea shores marking it’s territory. It’s like the song of our union is being sung by the universe, but we are the only ones who can hear it. He moves away suddenly, and now he is facing me. He pulls me towards himself. I see his eyes glistening in the dark. He smiles at me as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. I continue to look into his eyes gleaming with mystery, and he whispers to me, “I’ll love you forever”. The smile on my face widens as I say, “And I’ll love you even when forever starts to end”. I carefully place my hand on his cheek and move forward to caress his lips, and in that very moment, I realise what I hold so dear in this man. It’s his heart, that has polished my mirror. It’s the way his soul touches mine, as it dances through my ventricles and flows through my affections. It’s the way his existence overshadows the absence of every little thing. And it’s the way he resides in the depth of my mind, smothering my thoughts, and indulging in my dreams. He pins me down and moves above me as he kisses the corner of my eye. He moves down and places another soft peck on my cheek and on my neck as a whiff of his breath escapes his mouth and bounces onto my skin. And then he kisses my mouth as my arms hold him tight, my nails digging into his skin. He crushes his body tighter against mine, but at the same time, he holds me like I am something fragile. I let my fingers comb through his hair; his breath fills me. And when his body starts to move against mine, I surrender. I pull his body over mine like an eclipse of the sun; my last conscious thought begins to escape my mind. And just when I think his mouth cannot be more enticing, he says my name.

-Tanzeela.

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

A Long Night.

I am awakened by the sudden movement of his arms as they pull me closer into a tight embrace. I open my eyes and I look around as I listen to the wind blowing through the trees outside, breaking the silence of the night. My room is dark with a slight tint of moonlight shining through the curtains. I can make out the shadows of the objects spread across the room. I turn towards him and I curl up into his arms, letting the tips of my fingers move across the bare skin of his chest as the soft sound of his breath leaves a trail of serenity in the air, making it warmer. I move closer and I bury my face in his chest as my hands stretch across his body and encircle his waist. I can feel his warmth against my skin as I close my eyes trying to figure out the faint sound of his heartbeat. The sound becomes clearer and makes my heart beat faster than usual. I start to recall the way he made love to me. The way his skin brushed against mine. The way his touch electrified every cell in my body. The way his love seeped through my skin and fixed all the broken pieces that were buried deep inside. The way he whispered my name every time he kissed every inch of my skin. The way his breath continued to mix with mine as he slipped his fingers through my hair. The way he bit my lips, making me crave his presence harder than ever. The way he came to me in pieces and existed in me, whole. I start to wonder how my fear of the dark faded into oblivion as the days spent with this man turned into months. I wonder how this man dreamed all my dreams and starved all my fears away. I wonder what he saw in my eyes the day he fell in love with me. And as my thoughts continue to escape my mind, I can still hear his heart beat against mine. The beats of his heart float through my ribs and touch my heart, like a wave crashes against the sea shores marking it's territory. It's like the song of our union is being sung by the universe, but we are the only ones who can hear it. He moves away suddenly, and now he is facing me. He pulls me towards himself. I see his eyes glistening in the dark. He smiles at me as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. I continue to look into his eyes gleaming with mystery, and he whispers to me, "I'll love you forever". The smile on my face widens as I say, "And I'll love you even when forever starts to end". I carefully place my hand on his cheek and move forward to caress his lips, and in that very moment, I realise what I hold so dear in this man. It's his heart, that has polished my mirror. It's the way his soul touches mine, as it dances through my ventricles and flows through my affections. It's the way his existence overshadows the absence of every little thing. And it's the way he resides in the depth of my mind, smothering my thoughts, and indulging in my dreams. He pins me down and moves above me as he kisses the corner of my eye. He moves down and places another soft peck on my cheek and on my neck as a whiff of his breath escapes his mouth and bounces onto my skin. And then he kisses my mouth as my arms hold him tight, my nails digging into his skin. He crushes his body tighter against mine, but at the same time, he holds me like I am something fragile. I let my fingers comb through his hair; his breath fills me. And when his body starts to move against mine, I surrender. I pull his body over mine like an eclipse of the sun; my last conscious thought begins to escape my mind. And just when I think his mouth cannot be more enticing, he says my name.

-Tanzeela.

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

The Mirror.

I stand here facing the mirror, my legs too weak to hold me any longer. The light is as pale as my face, and the shadow of my body falls behind me, onto the floor and fades away into fainter shades of grey. I feel nothing at all, my body is as numb as the cold of a bitter wind. I try to touch my face with my fingers that are as cold as ice, and I realize that my cheeks are moist. I am still not able to reckon the reason for my weakness. I try to understand what’s happening to me and I finally draw the courage to look up, at the mirror, right into my eyes, and I see tears running down my cheeks. I stare into my eyes for a few moments as I tremble with fear and despair, until I realize that the reflection I see in the mirror, isn’t mine. I continue to look into those eyes glistening with mystery. I look deeper, and I see an emotion, a very strong emotion which could kill you from within, an emotion which could cause immense damage to your soul, an emotion which could destroy you in a million different ways. What is that emotion? It is pain. I see pain hidden beneath the surface of the eyes that I see in the mirror. I see pain floating on the pale skin. It isn’t even close to the pain that you feel when you get a bruise on your body parts. It is far beyond the physical pain that is felt on a wound and is visible to the naked eye. Then what is it? It is emotional pain. The pain that breaks into your soul, the pain that seeps through the minute spaces amidst your skin. I start to shiver even more, as I try to wipe away the tears. I look up once again, dying to figure out who is the person that I see right in front of me? And I am finally able to agnize the blank face staring back at me. It is the face of the person who feels defeated. It is the face of a person who feels isolated. It is the face of a person who is afraid of the world. It is the face of a person who feels broken and lost. It is a person who is tired, of everything. It is nobody, but me. It is a weaker version of me who feels betrayed and lonely. It is not who I used to be and it is not who I wanted to be. It is someone who chose to take away my identity. I look at my face once again, I wipe the tears away, and I try to smile. I try till I succeed and now I am looking at the same face but this time it’s faking a smile, looking into the same eyes but this time they’re glistening with feigned solace, looking at the same skin but this time it is pale with an unnatural glow. I break down, yet again. I cry and I scream at the mirror. I give up in the battle between the two conflicting voices inside my head. I collapse on the floor with shattered dreams as I whisper to myself, “You lost”.

- Tanzeela

[a-hedonistic-dreamer]

Every time I look into the mirror, I see pieces of myself tied to your memories, still not ready to give up in the battle between your agonizing cruelty and my slavish existence. I am ashamed to say that my soul can never escape from the clutches of your dirty hands, because I still love you. I am ashamed to say that I lost myself in the process of creating 'forever' with you. I am ashamed to say that every bit of your essence still remains embedded in the crevices of my tattered heart. I am ashamed to say that I am trapped in a cage where I hear nothing but tales of treason and echoes of you laughing at me.

Tanzeela