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[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

wait babe do you see how the vibrator is making those standing waves in the puddle of precum on your belly? you can see the fundamental frequency produced by the vibration there but there's also a couple of harmonics! I wonder what th--yes I know you were about to finish hold on this is more interesting. do you think that's from the vibrational modes in the structure of the vibe itself or is it more from the interface with the fluid? hold on, see how it--would you stop fucking squirming for a second. I'll let you cum in a bit just let me talk about physics first. this is more important.

[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

Stephen Webster “Magnipheasant” Multi Gemstone Necklace With Pavé Black Diamonds Surrounding Amethyst, Pink Tourmaline, Red Garnet, Blue Topaz, Peridot and Citrine. This Necklace Depicts The Distinctive Feathers Of A Pheasant

[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

Short Kamen Rider OOO amv based on the song Sugar rush by BIBI! Enjoy ;)

[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

I've done a lot of maturing over the years. I used to be a lot worse than I am now. But sometimes, like tonight, I am reminded of just how little I've changed. How I still have the same problems I had before. I haven't actually FIXED anything yet. I've just gotten better at recognizing the fact that they're problems at all.

I am endlessly frustrated with myself. My dad is absolutely right. I'm stubborn and I don't think things through and I'm entitled and I believe that it's the responsibility of OTHERS to make space for ME. I'm very selfish. I was not "too selfless" before, I just had anxiety issues. I still have those, btw.

I want to just be better. To be fixed. To catch up with my peers in an instant. I expect too much of myself and if I'm not actually at the point I want to be at, I'll judge myself closer to my goal than I actually am. I'm too gracious with my self-praise about how much growth I've been through.

And I'm such a child. I have no internal motivation. I have no internal validation. I desperately crave those things from other people because i KNOW it's a problem but I don't know how to fix it on my own. So I expect others to pick up the slack. I feel absolutely wretched and shameful and disgusted.

I have termites in my room. It's a problem. But it's not the biggest problem and it's not what's actually bothering me. If I weren't dealing with other things I could handle this just fine with no issues. But it's the latest fork in the hedge of forks littering my back. Chance was right. I didn't get it at the time and I didn't want to hear it because I just felt so awful, but he was totally right. He pegged my situation more accurately than someone fucking their clone.

And I don't know what to do. I've not run out of hope or anything. I haven't exhausted ANY of my options. I just don't know what my next step is. I don't know how to move forward from here. I don't like the idea that there probably IS no step forward. The only thing I can do is practice mindfulness. I need to learn to be okay with things not going my way. I need to be okay with not saying anything. With having my opinion be drowned out or kept to myself.

I really don't like that. I don't like having to walk to the edge of my bubble of self-importance. I don't like that, if I want to move forward and progress, I actually have to take a step back. I need to spend some time (lot of time) just listening to others and letting my opinion on it die. But I want to be heard SO badly. And I don't know if I have the bravery to just let myself be a background character in my own life. I can handle not being a priority in other people's lives but in my own? To be so completely unimportant in MY story? It feels so unfair. But I need to do it. And all I have to do is have it happen once. And then once 1 more time. And again. And again. And again. Until it becomes something I'm just comfortable with. And I need to stop letting my shame turn me into a horror and a pitiful son story that everyone has to step carefully around. *I* am the one making it difficult for others to be near me but I'm ALSO the one that can do something about it. I just have to start. And as impossible as it is, as strenuous, as treacherous, as terrifying, and as unjust as it is... it's also not going to be that hard. I can do this. I can be the better person I want to be. And I will.

[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

I am thinking dangerous thoughts

[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

Fuckin mad at myself. I tried to kill myself yesterday. Far load of fucking good it did. Couldn't even get the fucking pills in my mouth.

My family is so fucking self centered. Like, for the most part I keep my social tendencies to myself and yet somehow I'm "always going ON AND ON about your fucking mental bullshit" and I'm just like. I was not having a good day yesterday. I'm not even allowed to feel upset in this house. I was yelling at my mom because I just. I'd had enough? She was abusive and physical all throughout my childhood and I'm just supposed to forgive her? Just get over it? I have the worst fucking sibling. Does not give a shit what I go through our what I have to say. Any time I talk about my mental health he fucking ignores me and he blames everything on me. It doesn't matter that I'm depressed and can't get up in the morning, it's my turn to walk the dog. It doesn't matter that I'm hurting from what he says, I'm being oversensitive. It doesn't matter that I'm dealing with my mental disabilities on my own without anyone helping me and my family actively sabotaging my progress because they don't think it's real, I'm being overdramatic and I just need to get over it.

It takes 200 milligrams of morphine to overdose. The overdose can be worse if taken with caffeine. I have access to both. I have been planning a way to kill myself without leaving any loose ends since I was around 8. More options and responsibilities opened up over time but I've been more or less adding them all to my suicide checklist. My main factor stopping me before? The fear of pain before dying. I tried to drown myself when I was taking a bath once but I couldn't keep my head under long enough so I gave up. I wanted a few times to cut my wrists but I couldn't bring myself to dig the knives into my skin. I lit a bunch of candles and tried to inhale the smoke and I was doing pretty good until the fire alarm went off and my dad started screaming at me.

This time I was already in my mom's room so I just walked over and started looking for her hydromorphone. by the time I found it my brother slapped it out of my hand and all over the floor. He was screaming at me about how I never deal with my problems on my own and I'm constantly making a scene. He yelled saying I should never joke about shit like that and if I don't stop he'll "fucking scare the shit outta me" so I never try it again. Like, he doesn't really care about me, he just doesn't wanna deal with the aftermath. He wants me around only so I don't bother him. What a fucking joke. Yeah, making me angry and yelling at me saying I'm always overdramatic and I just need to get over it and nobody cares about me no matter how much I say "I have ADHD" will DEFINITELY make me feel loved and make me rethink my whole deal with wanting to die. Surrrrrrrrre. That's DEFINITELY how you talk someone down from putting too many pills in their stomach. Yell at and threaten them. That's SUCH a good idea.

So I fucked up my plans and now they're gonna hide the morphine. Because I couldn't handle it and wait until my mom was asleep like I'd planned. Ugh. I really really just don't wanna wake up. Ever.

[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

I'm real fucking pissy about my brother.

He has this fuckin habit where he ignores everything I say about my mental health and actual fucking disabilities and then blames me for not being healthy cause I'm not trying hard enough. What a load of shit.

The absolute fucking gall.

This is why I hate my little brother so much. He's 17 and pretends he fucking knows everything just because he's Christian

[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

whydoiexist 1/6/20

I had a fucking.... an arguement with my brother today based on fuckin. I

i. i read a tumblr post about prehistoric giganticism and how palm trees are just huge grass and bison or buffallo or whatever the fuck was just a giant goat and my fuckin

my fucking brother decides “oh well that sounds outrageous so i’m going to show her how stupid she sounds” and i fucking

he kept going “OH THIS??? THIS LOOKS LIKE A GOAT TO YOU???? THIS IS A GOAT HUH???? REALLY?????” AND just

what the fuck am i supposed to sya to that?

he’s constantly fucking going on about how i can’t make generalisations about anything to him because he’s going to make fun of it an d that’s just not my fucking fault. it’s his goddamn choice to be an absolute bitch to me and make fun of things i find interesting but then he has the goddamn gall to go and act like i’m the fucking problem because “oh you’re taking what i say out of context” and despite me saying how stupid i felt when he does this shit he gets fucking outrtaged and like “I NEVER CALLED YOU STUPID WHEN DID I CALL YOU STUPID” and i just fucking

how fukc I’M SO FUCKING PISSED AND ANGRY AND I FEEL SO FUCKING WORTHLESS BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I SAY OR WHAT I FEEL IF IT GIVES SOMEONE A FUCKING LAUGH RIGHT?????

i was DONE with this shit once elementary ended. now i just fucking

i have to dealk with another fucing bully???? again???? i was so tempted to just get out of the fucking car while it was on the road but i couldnt’ fucking move because he was yelling at me and i

this shit

this fucking shit

cunt of a fucking brother i have

can’t even talk to anyone

why do i even exist

nobody notices me and i just

i can’t

nobody can spare any fucking concern to send my way

i want to stop existing so fucking badly an

and i want to punch my brother in the face

[ace-uncorks-the-bottle]

Pitches and Carrots 6/15/17

Guess who got pelted with carrots today? Das right. Me.

So there’s a bunch of kids who enjoy my HILARIOUS suffering. Lovely. I’ve got really good hearing. I can hear dog whistles. Something that’s really funny to them is when they use a pich app that plays a loud noise at a particular frequency. Now. This shouldn’t bother me. But I have reason to believe I’ve been Pavlov’d and whenever I hear it I get irrationally angry and upset and then I start hallucinating it. Which is fucking dandy. So these fucks take advantage of that. BTW I can hear i from the front of the bus with my earbuds in and music on so that’s some fucking assatry right there.

Did I mention I was pelted with carrots already? Because I was pelted with carrots. The same group of fucking assholes who does the pitch bullshit decides that since the school gives out lunch bags at the end of the week they’d take the carrots and continue pelting me with them for a good 10-15 min. I have a very short fuse. I retaliated with cussing and pelting them back with their own ammunition. This is how I deal with my fury. I can’t directly attack them or get kicked out of summer school. Which is bullshit because this has been going on for years. Everyone either doesn’t care or laughs along with them. I fucking hate this so much. I don’t like being toyed with. It’s been like this since preschool. I was singled out for being wierd and now I can’t live without being taunted or teased or ostracised. I broke down on the sie of the road after getting off of the bus. I took a few steps and collapsed into the grass and started crying out of anger and frustration. My legs just stopped working until I had calmed down.

One day I’m either going to go ballistic and bring a knife with me to school or I’m going to kill myself. The stress from this is bullshit and I did nothing to deserve it. I have a very high murder lust that just keeps getting stoked every single time this sort of bullshit happens. I want to be known as the psychotic violent kid if it means that I’ll get left alone. I don’t care about having friends if it means that I’ll be left in peace. I have people I can talk to online.

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To Start

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm one of the most emotionally abusive people you will ever meet. I won't ever sugarcoat anything I do because I know that I am an extremely flawed person and too lazy to change myself. I don't believe I deserve to be forgiven for my actions because often I delude myself into thinking I'm in the right. I hate a lot of people. I love a lot of people. I have issues. I don't expect nor want to be forgiven.

Sometimes I just need to vent.