acrimsonlily

[acrimsonlily]

Absence

You apologize for what you said And I nod But inside I feel nothing

I want to feel your sincerity I believe it’s real But believing doesn’t touch me I try, I do No matter how hard I try Nothing arrives

I grit my teeth Until my jaw turns sore As if pain might unlock something As if maybe I can earn a feeling back

I want to feel what you feel toward me To meet you halfway there But I just can’t

And I don’t know if I’ve disconnected Or if this is another disassociation a swirl or just a skyline

Another moment Where closing my eyes And breathing out Feels like something’s died Inside me

So I say it Without anger or meaning I don’t feel anything So it’s okay that it happened

Even if it’s not

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My thoughts Sometimes when people have continuously hurt you, instead of feeling anger or sadness. Sometimes you feel nothing. The answer why isn't always clear, have you disconnected from them emotionally? are you disassociating from yourself? or have you just gotten used to it? While I try to figure out the reason why, I don't want to say anything that I don't mean. Something I might regret. So, the only thing I can say is the truth: I don't feel anything, so I guess it's ok. In order to capture this, I decided to do a more less-refined prose. How the situation begins, what I would like, what I can't do, into closure.

[acrimsonlily]

Who I Write For

I still write because I had a heart attack this year From my own neglect, from what I couldn’t face Nothing healed me, just self-anger, hate, and fear I never studied poems, I just needed space

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I started again in a hospital bed Not because I had to but I wanted to try I learned that breaking just helps you die Poetry helped but never used to mend

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It started fixing me It gave me direction It soothes my urge to create It soothes my desire to heal

I write it differently these days Sometimes it's technical Sometimes it's emotional

My goals shift They multiply They change form But mostly I don’t need a goal anymore And that’s the point

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I realized something inside of a 'spark' Born from a prompt, from 'skin' to scar My poetry diluted and polluted, turned corrupt Each metaphor cut down for simplicity’s sake Something inside refused to vanish without rhythm It flexed beneath my rib cage, sour yet sweet A scar turned into a scab and I kept writing No longer afraid to love the words I choose No longer ashamed of how I sound Be it complex, be it simple This voice is finally mine

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And rather than keep it all in my head I return to the words I’ve written For the next me, still changing each day To remember what I’ve been given

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Words became my cure From pain, I carved out a voice Now I write for me

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My thoughts: The previous poem explained my grief, this time, I wanted to share the joy that poetry has given me and how I use it to navigate not only old wounds but new ones too. I wanted to share what I've gained from being invited into The Poets' Porch. If I had never been invited, I wouldn't of seen the prompts from @picklemafia and I would've never realized I was still holding onto trying to throw a part of me away. To demonstrate this, I decided to break this poetry into multiple styles, to show to myself that I am no longer bounded to ghosts. Not to show technical ability but to show how poetry and chance can change someone without notice. Thank you.

[acrimsonlily]

Why I Write

I wrote because I was tired of being lost Tired of wandering in thoughts too much for others to bear They told me I was too "profound" As if depth was shameful And there was a time I truly wished I was less Less aware, less feeling Less able to read pain written on other people’s faces

I never moved much Most days I stayed still Thinking that maybe silence would be enough But even that was too much for them They wanted silence without substance A presence without weight

So I turned to poetry I turned to a blank page The way some turn to prayer Hoping it would save what was left of me But even in my own words They found a way to echo Their voices slipping through the cracks in my metaphors Until every line felt like a mirror Reflecting their disappointment back at me

I began to hate my metaphors Began to doubt the truth of my own feelings They taught me that being thoughtful Meant being too much That kindness was failure That knowing myself Was dangerous

I was never educated the way they were I didn't know the world the way they claimed to So I trusted them Trusted their age to mean wisdom Trusted their words to mean maturity

But they didn’t

And for years I blamed myself I wore that blame like a second skin It never left Not in the light and not in the dark

To this day I still don’t know what they wanted from me Only that they never wanted all of me Only that they left me grieving For the pieces of myself They convinced me to bury

And sometimes I still mourn that girl Who listened too well Who only wanted to understand And be understood in return

May she be remembered Not as too much But as more than enough

My thoughts: I wanted to share how I came to poetry and how my poetry has changed over this past year. When I originally started poetry, it was to throw my mind out. Unfortunately, those idea's I began to hate because I trusted what other people said, mostly about how I need to be a certain way and think a certain way. I had believed that people who had what I didn't, knew more or was more "right" than me. I called myself stupid, undermined everything I did for years and eventually I literally and figuratively saw no one in the mirror. I saw nothing like I was a kid again. I guess with the way I write, most of my poetry connects, you could call this the opener. The message here would be, If you are like who I was and felt like you don't know anything, find peace with knowing nothing rather than trusting what you really don't know.

[acrimsonlily]

Skin

Thank you again for the prompt. @butwhyareyoureyessosad and @picklemafia.

Warning, this is about addiction and SH.

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My skin still ripples like a drop in a lake I feel each scar and all the reasons stay I’m sorry skin for every mark I made

I touched you like you didn’t feel pain Like you weren’t mine, just something to use in a way My skin still ripples like a drop in a lake

I scratched in truths I didn’t want to fake So I’d remember why I hurt each day I’m sorry skin for every mark I made

You smelled like bleach and wood and a mistake A mix that never really went away My skin still ripples like a drop in a lake

I watched the blood come out and didn’t break The pain said more than I could say I’m sorry skin for every mark I made

You itch like you remember every quake Each time I threw your peace away My skin still ripples like a drop in a lake I’m sorry skin for every mark I made

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My thoughts: This originally started as a free verse but I wanted to capture a certain essence. The essence of doing something on repeat even though it's bad for you. For this I tried to make a villanelle because it really helped capture that kind of trance, a psychological obsession. Like time in fast forward, same spot, same action but different reasons. I also wanted it to be a message, to keep following the message of healing I've been posting of. While this is about self-harm and addiction, it's also a message to take care of your body as if it was a separate being because even when you overcome, you still feel it and it gets easier but the obsession doesn't entirely go away.

[acrimsonlily]

The Spark Beneath The Flame

Thank you for the prompt @peepeepoopoo3d & @picklemafia

--------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I forget With you I was always meant to come second Just someone who fits Where there's room If you feel like making space

I forget you have others Other sparks Other lights you hold closer

I used to be one of them I thought I was But now I watch from below And it stings To see you burn without me

Sometimes I get too close Sometimes I catch fire And I only have myself to blame

Because I helped you blaze I gave you what I had Even when there wasn’t much

Maybe I don’t glow like I used to Maybe I’ve dimmed Or maybe I’m just not what you want now

Still I’m here Beneath Fading A little more each day

But I haven’t gone out yet I’m still trying Even if you don’t see me

The spark beneath the flame ----------------------------------------

My thoughts:

Never done a prompt before but it's fun. Taking what I was feeling emotionally at the time and trying to shape it into a word. Somewhere down the line, I connected a relationship between a fire and the spark that started the fire. Somewhere the spark is beneath the flame, always watching but fading out the more time passes by, akin to helping someone and seeing them move on.

[acrimsonlily]

I’ve come to find I hate you You make me cry You make me doubt myself You tempt me to do wrong You use my pain to lift yourself You take pieces of me and twist them

How many times must you use my life against me? How many times must I sit and take it? You told me I haven’t changed You said I’m still that same broken person

I feel myself unraveling I feel my hard work falling apart I told you how you hurt me You called me blind You said I’m a mute That you can do these things Because I can’t stop you Because your life matters more

I’ve tried to stay kind I’ve tried to love you I’ve tried to shape myself Just to sit next to your loneliness

But I can’t do it anymore I feel everything vanishing I feel myself vanishing

You said you were right about me You said none of my efforts mattered That the end was already decided

I used to write on this tumblr to fight it To battle my pain in silence To find peace without your noise

But I can’t anymore

Now.. I have hate in my heart A hate I never wanted A hate I fought to keep away

You make me hate myself again You make me cry again You make me doubt again You make my strength fade

Because it’s hard to be someone When no one showed you how

Now I hate you And I wonder.. What am I supposed to do? ------------------------------------

My thoughts:

I tried to stay calm. To love everyone I could. As stupid as it is. That is who I wanted to be. I never wanted to be angry again. I never wanted to hate again. I wanted to be more human, to love, laugh and bring more joy, to give people around me what I don't have.. A life where someone loves them unconditionally. Yet now I realize, while writing down these notes, in my pursuit in being human.. I was trying to avoid the bad human emotions. I always lived in dark emotions and I tried to create light emotions but I forgot about the grey emotions- the bad emotions.

I forgot that being human includes anger, resentment, failure and disappointment. I tried to love, without allowing myself to feel.

[acrimsonlily]

I was happy.

I was in a rush to show you what I’d made.

Something I built with hands that used to shake with hate.

"Look at this" I said.

"What do you think?"

I was proud.

I was loving.

I was unified.

And then I remembered.

You are not like me.

You don’t see with the same kind of eyes.

You didn’t say "Congratulations".

You didn’t say "I’m glad you’re healing".

You picked it apart.

You found what wasn’t yours in it.

You said it didn’t feel right.

You said it wasn't any good.

You looked at me and I saw it.

The disapproval.

The judgment.

The way your words broke my joy like clay.

What I made wasn’t enough.

What I made wasn’t yours.

You didn’t see me.

You saw a mirror.

And when it didn’t show your reflection.

You turned away.

And tore it down.

All I wanted was to share.

All I wanted was to feel together.

But maybe you only know how to see yourself. -----------------------------------------

My Thoughts: Sometimes, I want to punch a wall. Not because of what someone else has done but because how can I be so stupid? How do I keep constantly forgetting who I'm around? How can I keep being so unaware? This time. There's isn't a message, only doubt In myself and in my conviction. Being happy is harder than I thought.

[acrimsonlily]

(3/3)

You told me I should get them back "Make them hurt like they hurt you" But I don’t want to walk that path That’s not what I want to do

You say to hit, to turn around To give them all the pain But I’ve been learning just to heal Not hand it out again

You act like I should play the judge Decide who’s right or wrong But why should I be full of hate Just so I feel strong?

Even when anger feels like peace And says "This is power" I stop and ask what I would gain By making someone cower

I don’t believe in karma’s wheel In hurt that turns back around I believe in choosing peace Even when I’m down

You say I give too many chances That I should know by now You call it weak to care too much To show some love somehow

You want me screaming for blood To prove I’ve got a voice But I don’t want to be like that I want to make my choice

You talk like war is always right That pain should lead the way But I’ve been through too much to let My heart just fade away

And even if I mess things up And die a hundred times I’d rather try with love in me Than pay them back with crimes

You don’t see all the hearts I see Or why I still believe But I know mine, and that’s enough It tells me when to grieve

I won’t give up my soul for pride Or lash out to feel tough If I must lose, I’ll lose with hope And that will be enough

Let me descend while holding on To what is real and true Because I still remember love Even if you never do

My thoughts:

With the people I've met in my life. So many of them tell me to do something that's wrong. Some, even used cruder words. I'm never sure why. Do I have to hurt someone else the way they've hurt me? Of course not. The more i reject these invitations, the more they seem to be aggravated. The more they say they give up on me. Is that right? Is it right to give up on me because I can envision the turmoil and pain I can cause someone else? People want us to hurt others so we don’t seem weak but.. That's wrong. People confuse revenge with strength.

What I've decided to share in these poems from what I've learned is one thing: Strength. Strength to find and remember who you are. To remember it is our choice with what we do, even among the many different situations that presents itself, in different ways.

Courage [1/3]: Let the words fall and not the bond. Pain will come but we don't need to chase it.

Power [2/3]: Your worth isn't determined by someone else's definition of success nor by their judgment of your choices.

Strength [3/3]: Standing up for yourself means not tolerating when someone's hurt you. Not hurting them back.

My Internal Freedom: The courage to walk with love and not pride The power to be kind without needing permission The strength to choose yourself over revenge

[acrimsonlily]

(2/3)

You say you’re tired of watching me Keep stumbling through the years But just because things fall apart Doesn’t mean my cause disappears

You talk like I’ve been losing all Like nothing’s going right But I have felt some great things Even without putting up a fight

You say the end was not enough "You’ve failed" you always say But endings don’t mean I have lost That’s just how life can play

I’ve touched the pain I used to miss I’ve felt it deep and real And though it hurts, I hold it close It shows I’m still here

You say the ones I care for most Are losers, not worth trust You say they’re weak, they screw things up That losing should earn disgust

You say you’d play their role far better You’d shape me how you please But I am not some game to win Or someone you can seize

You tell me I am not enough Because I choose to care But I don’t think that kindness means I’m weak for being fair

So let me walk my crooked path Let me make my call For even if I trip and fall It doesn’t mean I fall

It means I dared to move at all

My thoughts:

Just because you don't achieve what you expect doesn't mean you failed. Just because you repeat something doesn't mean you've repeated anything. If you focus on the outcome then you might lose more than what you were supposed to gain. What we learn and what we give other people during our transits between one another is what shapes us and them into our next endeavor. If people begin to see you as less because you choose the hard way, let them judge. If you choose the "easy way" then that's what you choose to do too. Don't give into what someone else says or that they can do better because if that was true, it'd be them in that position.

Your worth isn't determined by someone else's definition of success nor by their judgment of your choices.

[acrimsonlily]

(1/3)

What if I could tear out these eyes Hold them, feel the blood go dry Yet even then, I couldn’t force you to be kind

Can’t you see how time decays what we don’t fix? All I ever wanted was for us to stop this Not with silence, not with blame, just peace ’Til then, I hold my breath just to release

Why is breathing out the only way I cope? Even air feels honed when there’s no hope

Judge me if you want, say I’m "not okay" Use words like “unstable” to keep me at bay Still, I’m not the one shouting hate Twisting truths to manipulate

Glimpses of your anger burn too fast to hold Every word you throw, like stones in a river frozen cold

This hate doesn’t carry but clings And all it takes is warmth to change these things

Like you said, maybe I see "purple skies" Or maybe I’m just tired of the lies Not asking you to agree, just to stop causing pain Guess I’ll always be wrong for not wanting things to go down the drain -----------------------------------

My Thoughts

Sometimes the way people perceive each other can be wrong. We're always too quick to become cold. Whether from trauma or because we think we know how things end. But we don't know. Trying to prevent two people from destroying each other is often going to fail and sometimes amidst their anger, they turn to you. This feeling is helplessness, especially when you can't help. It's always been simple, it's never been complicated. If we see each other every day, if we smile and laugh together. There is no reason to hate.

We will be hurt by real people. We will be hurt naturally. There's no reason to chase pain, whether it's inside us or from those around us.

Words unspoken are just that. Words stuck, once meant for consumption but lost, like tattered fish slipping past an eagles nest. So don't try to seize them, let the words fall. Better they plummet than the friendship.

[acrimsonlily]

It’s finally happening I’m feeling better Less terrible about what happened

And I hate it I hate that I’m getting over How he treated me

I don’t hate him If I could I would take him back Let him do it all again Let the blame fall on me And never say a word

Because I loved him Because I trusted him Because for four years It felt less like pain and more natural

And now.. I’m moving on

And it feels like I’m Betraying the pain Like I’m erasing Every moment we ever had Even the ones where I felt So worthless, so small So hopeless

Even the ones where He never took my side Where he used my heart Just to lift himself higher

I miss it Isn’t that terrible? I miss even the betrayal Because it wasn’t hate It was something I thought Could still be saved

I know I should let go I know what he thought of me Was cruel I know I deserve more

But it happened to me And that feels pointless..

It brings me to tears Because I want to be normal I want to feel alive again But I hate it I hate that being normal means Standing up for myself Means putting myself first

And even though I want to I really want to but I also don’t

I used to think Maybe I could defy the odds Maybe I didn’t have to choose me To be good

But I’ve seen where that path leads

To not eating To not sleeping To the pain in your chest That isn’t heartbreak But deeper than suffering To an ending

It leads to heart attacks To people you love Standing by hospital beds Wondering if you’ll be ok

So I know I know I have to let go Have to keep healing

But part of me still wants To stay broken Just long enough To remember how it felt To love someone Who didn’t love me back The way I'm used to..

My Notes and Thoughts:

I realize I'm afflicted with another curse, one that some of us are forced to feel I want to go back to the way I was before.. Because it’s easier than trying to overcome And yet I choose to try to overcome

When I finally got the chance to run away from my parents, I did it for my brother I was mindless Careless with myself Because I didn’t care if I lived or died As long as he lived

Even when we made it through That feeling didn’t leave

A lot of days I don’t feel like myself I don’t feel like I exist

It’s like I’m looking through the eyes of a shell Like a turtle shell brought to life Without the turtle inside

Even though I feel so many things Sometimes.. I’m not there at all

I lived for my brother And I thought that was enough I thought it didn’t matter if I died Since the hard part was over

So I lived through years and years Of internal struggle Without a purpose

I thought it was fine to be treated any kind of way Since I wasn’t like everyone else

But I’m trying now Because I was wrong

It does matter.

It’s not my fault I’m like this And if there are others like me They should know it’s not their fault either

It’s no one’s fault for carrying pain they didn’t cause But we still have to live with it We still have to find our way through

It breaks my heart to know that what I want What I feel What I want to fall back into Isn’t right That it’s just a byproduct of what happened to me

And it breaks my heart even more To know I’m not the only one who feels this way

This poem is about the truth No matter how you feel No matter what you want to fall back into No matter how easy it is to return to being broken

You have to find the strength not to go back Not for someone else

But because you owe it to yourself To live as best as you can

Because that.. Is one of the few gifts hidden among the curses Placed upon us

[acrimsonlily]

They said they were proud I stood my ground But that was never my aim I spoke to help, not to defend Not to cast or shift the blame

My friend was lashing out again Their anger sharp and wild Yet still, I stayed and took the storm The scorn, the anger, the trial

I let their rage fall onto me Though I had done no wrong Because if I could take the hit It might not last as long

If I occupy their ruthless parts Then maybe they won’t break The next soul who trusts too fast Or bends but doesn’t fake

It’s strange to care for strangers hearts For those I’ve never known But deep inside, I always feel That pain is best my own

Who am I guarding in the dark? A ghost? A guess? A thought? Do I protect, or play the judge For battles I’ve not fought?

I say, "Just say you’re sorry, And I’ll forgive, I swear." They say that I’m too quick to bend Too soft. Too unaware

But if I leave someone behind To drown in what they’ve done Does that make me more fair or cruel? Less kind or just someone?

I know I’m soft. I know I bend I know I lose ground But pain in me feels better than To see it passed around

And if I’m wrong.. if I’m naive.. And this just lets them lie.. At least I tried to lend a hand When no one else would try

They say I lie to shield my heart But that’s not what this is I lie so they won’t hurt someone The way they’ve hurt me.. worse than this ------------------------------------------

Additional Notes:

For as long as I've had friends, they’ve always said I'm easily manipulated and that I shouldn't forgive people for what they've done. Yet, it hurts me to hear them say those things.

Deep in my mind, I know that one day we'll have an issue with one another.. mostly because of who I am. I know one day they'll hate me for being this way, but.. I also know they won't mean it. I know their opinion of me drops by the day, every time they see me do it The way they talk to me as if I'm less.

To them, it's nothing. I'm just a stupid woman who's too naive at the age of 27. I'm just a "kind person" who's too stupid to know she's being manipulated.

Even if I try to tell them I know I am, They never look at my reasons for why.

I do it for them. I do it so they don’t feel bad whether unconsciously or consciously for talking down to me. I do it so it’s okay when they treat me like an idiot. I do it so that when they can’t stand me, I’m the only one who gets hurt.

I know I’m an idiot. I know when I’m being manipulated. And I know what they think about me.

I also know I’m at fault for them thinking that way about me. But nothing is easy.

It would be so easy to just shield off my heart and ignore everyone else’s emotions. It would be so easy to fall back on what's happened to me in life and use it as a shield. No one would blame me.

But I don’t want to be like that.

[acrimsonlily]

I knew that he would smile while I was in pain But still, I tried to see a brighter way Was I selfish for hoping again?

Four years of quiet, holding in the strain Afraid he'd hate the truth I dared to say I knew that he would smile while I was in pain

He lied, he laughed, yet I stayed the same Trying not to assume, I chose to stay Was I selfish for hoping again?

I told myself that kindness would remain That maybe he'd care, maybe he'd sway I knew that he would smile while I was in pain

But he felt nothing, no guilt, no shame And I felt foolish by the next day Was I selfish for hoping again?

Regret sits heavy, and I can’t explain If I knew the end, why not walk away? I knew that he would smile while I was in pain Was I selfish for hoping again?

My notes on this:

Another day, another thought about what goes through my mind. A new form of regret.

I know my mind is playing with me. I know, I didn’t make the wrong decision but something is trying to make me hate myself. Why?

I repeat my reasons like a ritual. “I have to do this. I can’t discount myself for less.” I have to be human. I can’t go back to nothing. And I do believe that. I want that.

So why..? What is this force pulling me back?

I thought, if I just changed how I think, I could control my mind. But now.. it feels like something else.

I know it’ll fade. The wound is still fresh. Time will pass.

But still What exactly is this? Why do I feel So selfish?

Why does caring about myself Feel so wrong?

[acrimsonlily]

I want to lift myself again To stand, to feel okay To leave behind the weight I hold And chase the hurt away

But healing isn’t rushing past It’s letting sadness stay If I don��t feel it when it comes It never goes away

Resentment grows where pain’s ignored It settles deep, unseen It lingers in the softest parts Where truth has never been

They say be strong, they say move on Like hurting’s not allowed But sometimes strength is letting go And falling to the ground

You’re allowed to feel the anguish To sit and let it speak To cry, to hurt, to stay in bed You’re still not weak

You’re meant to hold your sadness close And treat it like it’s real You can’t love every part of you By hiding what you feel

Not just the you who talks with ease The one who seems okay But also you who hides inside Deserves to feel okay

As long as you remember this: You’ll find your way again Don’t chase the healing like a race Let time be your best friend

Take your time and feel it all Don’t push it down or lie Just don’t be like the one I was Who never let herself cry

This poem is a continuation of what I felt in my previous poem, some sort of aftermath. It originally started out as a message to myself, to heal but it ended up resonating with the me who cares for other people and down the line I realized by trying to be strong, it was one of the reasons how i ended up in the hospital. You are not weak for feeling sad, you are not weak for caring, you are not weak for making what they will call the wrong decision. There are people in this world who wants to make you feel alienated for feeling hurt but it's just not true. You are not a coward, you are not emotional, you are not a crybaby, you are not anything to be labeled. Being more in-tuned with your emotions is a gift, you might make mistakes, sometimes really bad ones but as long as you continue that path of emotion and reflection, you will find peace in yourself, more peace than ignoring how you feel will ever provide. Even if you have no one right now, that small peace of reflection of yourself will make you a gift that someone has never seen before. Never forsake who you are, good and bad.

[acrimsonlily]

I confronted him today Not to fight Not to hurt Just to tell the truth, even though I cant speak

I told him “You're being mean for no reason.” He looked at me, then gave excuses that didn’t hold up, not even a little Tried to pin blame on me for something I never even did

I said, “You have proof to change your own mind.” He said “It’s too much effort.” Too much effort to clear my name? But never too tired to stain it?

I told him, “You never change your mind once it's made.” And he.. denied that too He always does

I said, “It doesn't matter what I say.” Because when I have a problem with him it's never our problem.. it's mine Mine alone And suddenly, it was all mine to carry like a mess I didn’t make but got left holding anyway

He says he puts me on a pedestal Funny I didn’t know pedestals came with complaints on every little thing I do He smiles when others are around but behind closed doors, his words leave cuts small ones. The kind that pricks later

Like if no one else saw it then maybe it doesn’t count Like if the words weren’t loud they couldn’t have hurt

But I hear it I always hear it

And I start to wonder Is it my fault? For speaking up? For asking "Why do you treat me like this?" Just for wanting him to be kind without hurting me?

Should I just.. stay quiet? Again? Should I keep swallowing what hurts until the words turn acid inside me? because “peace” only exists when I’m not heard?

Why do I always have to stay quiet?

Why is my softness treated like a problem?

Why do I feel like I’m wrong for not letting myself disappear?

A little follow up on my attempt to be a better person post heart-attack. I've never told my friends how their ability to go a bit overboard in what they say isn't really okay. Of course I can't control people and I don't try to make them feel bad about it, after all everyone has their own choices and I can respect it even if it directly affects me. That also means their negativity shouldn't define who I am anymore. In my mind, I believe that maybe being a positive influence will change their mind because we're friends after all. I know it's stupid to think this way and I've been burned many times because of it but that doesn't mean I should give up on trying. This time in particular, instead of reflection or anger towards me, he chose to find contradictions in what I say. He says he placed me on a pedestal but he always talked about what I would try to do behind my back. Of course I knew, one time he told me what he did behind my back and he was fearful, I chose to ignore it because I cared more about the fear he felt rather than what it did to me. Deep inside me I regret trying to change his mind about me, I wish I stayed quiet but even though I wish and regret this. I know in order for me to become a real person, I have to care about myself a little bit. I wonder if it's really okay for me to be a person?

[acrimsonlily]

Trigger/Content Warning (Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse) I only knew one loving face My brother, the one who never looked away The rest of them… They were just people I was related to They never felt like family They just made me quiet

I was twelve When a room became my world A closed door A single meal No pages No voices Every second passed so slowly And there was nothing left to feel.

They said I had done something I had done nothing But nothing was ever safe in that house.

My mom acted like it hurt her too But she never did anything to stop it Behind my back, She hurt me quietly While My father He hurt me loudly.

One night, my uncle came in But he didn’t feel like family I never said yes I never even looked at him I just wanted to be left alone.

But no one ever asked me what I wanted.

The next morning I opened the door I told them And I told them And they chose to believe I was cruel My father, he hit me like it was my punishment for speaking So I just stopped.

Two more months in the dark I stopped being a child I stopped being anyone.

And then the world went quiet Six years of wandering without a voice I slowly faded into someone I didn’t recognize.

Now I’m 27 And I try I try to love what’s left I try to rebuild with the remnants But I know I will never be the same.

The girl I was stayed in that room She didn’t follow me out I try to reach her, but she’s gone I talk to her in my head But she never answers.

I left you behind and I’m still looking for you.

My notes on this: This one was extremely hard to make. Earlier this year I had a heart attack and I spent weeks reflecting over my life and researching so many things. I asked myself many questions, not just within myself but with poetry too. I wanted to know why I wanted to write and in what way. Before on this tumblr, I used it as a way to vent emotions I felt but never exactly clear. Not clear with hope, anger, sadness or happiness. Sometimes I would choose philosophy but I never made anything that felt like I was fully utilizing my experience. Sure I live in despair, we all do but pain can be soothing. Pain can connect us. Pain can give us hope but pain can also destroy and ruin you, your family and your friends, if you aren't properly letting it out.

[acrimsonlily]

I was just a girl, and we spent our days together Five years side by side within our friend group She mocked another, and I stayed quiet, afraid Wishing I'd spoken.. silenced by my own regret But even now, the question still echoes.. why Did she choose to turn from me, not hold us together

We weren’t sisters in soul, but we stayed together A steady existence, one girl to another. But why Did relief melt into poison in a different group She left, and I stayed, slowly learning regret I never said it was okay to share those things… but she did it anyway. I was scared Of what more she might say, I shrank from the group

She smiled while cutting me down in her new group Not remembering our shared days together I watched from behind a mask, small and afraid No longer the same girl, just a memory of regret I cracked inside. My body broke before I asked why She would choose betrayal. I was too late to regret

I bit my tongue.. thinking love meant don’t regret Thinking kindness would keep me safe in the group But she had teeth, and I had none, so why Did I keep tying us together? One quiet girl Stuck between hope and harm. Always so afraid Of the hate in her voice. Of becoming her. So afraid

I nearly died from it.. that quiet, that afraid Heart racing toward waste in waves of regret And still, I said nothing. I was just a girl Trying to belong to someone, to some group Even if it meant breaking apart what we built together Even if it meant losing myself without knowing why

I’ve searched my core for her reasons.. why, why Would she unmake me so elegant while I stayed afraid We were never whole, but still we held it together And now I stand in pieces, chiseled from regret She moved on to laughter in her new group And I rebuilt, slower, quieter.. a different girl

Epilogue

I would give everything for us to be friends again. Yet, I know that what you've caused me can not be undone. I regret so much and I regret not taking care of myself. I will never get back those years you took from me. I kept trying to make it work even if it caused me pain. I believed everything would work out in the end as long as I carried everything, smiled and stayed quiet. In the end I nearly worked myself to death, unable to process what you did.. afraid of the truth. You know my pain and what I've gone through… You know i struggle to be human, to be normal. I know we all have problems and even though you knew mine was bigger than yours.. I hated comparing them, not once did I ever say what your eyes told me. In the end, I was too afraid and couldn't tell you were jealous of me. Even though I wish we could be friends again, to take care of myself also means not allowing you back in.. even if you came back.