aforestwitchpancakes

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Jess

Mejo nabayag ko pinag panunutan dtoy ibagak ken aramidek ngem I guess I have to say it now.

Tattay 12, I was hoping we could talk. Really just talk about what happened last night. I was hoping nga even just for a few minutes kuma just to clear the air, to feel like I still mattered. But you were in a hurry, and I felt like I was left hanging.

I know this relationship isn’t right, and we both saw the cracks long before now. That we agreed only for the summer and seasons changed already. Really seasons changed.

This isn’t about being immature. I know we agreed nga haan nak dapat agselos ngem I’m not made of stone. I’m human. I have feelings, and right now, they’re heavy. They’re tired. Like what you've said last night if I want out, I should live by my words.

But despite all this… these past four months? You’ve been the BEST part of my days. You made them BRIGHT.

I’ll never forget the first time we talked at the stands,

I remember that first date, how you smiled when you climbed into my car wearing that hat. The time nga nagroadtrip ta to paoay, ado nga sarita and i loved how natural it felt, how easy it was as if we already met in another life.

There are so many moments I’ll carry with me, but my favorite will always be that night we danced under the moon, tipsy and laughing, kissing on the sand like time didn’t exist… daring each other to skinny dip.

This is my final message not out of anger, but out of love. A kind of love that knows when to let go.

We might talk again someday. I HOPE we do. I’ll always be thankful to you for one thing above all "understanding". You were always so understanding, even when I was caught in something just as complicated Especially so when i am also with her (Shet dk talaga kaya tuladen dta emotinal maturitym.hahahha)

Goodbye for now JESS. Maybe for good. But thank you for being the BEAUTIFUL, CHAOTIC, UNFORGETTABLE part of my life.

-DJ

P.s focus ka sa law school. Prioritize your studies.

You'll always be my baby. And you will always have a special place in my heart

I love you very much ♥️♥️😘😘

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I am in South Korea.

Surreal and unreal. That is how I would sum up my Korea experience. In a good way anyway.

I took the risky chance to travel with my mother’s young co-teachers and I unexpectedly am having more fun and excitement that I expected five days ago.

Seoul makes my heart full with joyous excitement but I cannot help feel an aching pain in my chest brought by anxiousness and the feeling of knowing that letting go of something that is harmful for you is what’s right but you’re aware that it’s going to be a painstaking process.

Letting go is not what’s heavy but the emptiness—- the detoxification after everything is done is weighing me down.

During my stay in Seoul with the stimulating and meaningful company of Ma’am Josie, Ma’am Danie, Sir Bhon, and sir Cj made me realize that Franz and I would never end up with each other.

Our difference in principles, character, and pride is keeping a large gap between us.

I think that gap will never be fixed.

I just want a warm hug right now from myself. I don’t want anyone but myself.

Dealing with love is getting harder and harder nowadays.

I hust want somebody who would love me more than I do him.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I have a confession to make.

Immersed with the familiarity of my old room, I am overwhelmed with the feeling of desperate longing and vulnerability.

I used to spend my time alone in this 14 x 10 ft. cubic room during the pandemic and in that period of time is when I discovered that what I feared the most is being lonely.

I had this obsession, almost a need, to be needed by other people. Not in a rational way but in a romantic notion.

I wanted to be obsessed by a significant other--- to be craved, to be wallowed for, exaggeratingly to die for.

In the very floor of this room, I used to cry to other people online, hoping and making them stay even though it was evident that they wanted to be free from me.

I got addicted to the concept of acting like a victim and romanticized sadness in every way possible in order to manipulate a guy.

Franz used to call me a manipulator and even though it kills me to admit that he is right, I agree.

It's mesmerizing to me how he knows me exquisitely. He saw right through me.

Anyway, this fear, I think, is what molded me to accept and entertain any kind of affection that anyone would offer.

Even though it is wrong.. even though it could kill me in thousand ways.

I hate that I have this urge to talk to someone every time I feel a little bit of weakness.

I absolutely abhor whoever it is that taught or projected to me that it is okay to tolerate anything as long as your emotional needs are gratified.

It is morally degrading and humiliating in the realms of femininity.

In ways, I preach to my college students that without the power of femininity, the pillars of man would collapse but in darker shadows, I am just a hypocrite who loves to cry wolf.

And when I find that somebody no longer needs me, or longs for me, I get extremely jealous and insecure that de-attaching is the ideal solution for me to exit a place where I no longer belong.

Also, I just saw a video on Facebook wherein a husband beat his wife to a pulp and in a very abrupt moment, this divine reawakening dawned unto me.

I don't want to be with an angry man like Franz. I no longer concern myself if we will end up marrying each other or not.

I just want to graduate Law School and stand up in society being called as an Attorney.

Moreover, any man can lust or look at me admiringly but my feelings of being cared by a needy, desperate, and selfish man is bygone.

I will make a name for myself.

#iMANIFEST #ATTYby2030

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Cigarettes

A half stick of cigarette was burning quickly in my left hand.

I took a lungful of smoke and huffed it carelessly into the wind. It was as if all the problems in the world depended on it to be saved.

If one puff was equivalent to one worry being erased then I would have inhaled all the nicotine on Earth.

I enjoyed the temporary ease that it blessed me as I watched the blinking red light of the signal tower near my squatting site.

How did I even find myself in this situation? Me? A straight-A student since elementary, with strict and suffocating parents who always nag about perfection and excellence, came to be puffing cigarettes and chugging Coca-Cola Light beside the road in the middle of the night?

My pride was hurt--- broken and trampled upon by my own self.

I realized that this behavior would not change anything in my life at all.

But as they say, people who have idle minds seek cheap and thrilling adventures to pleasure themselves.

I used to judge those kind of people. Now, I, have become one of them.

I have delayed my progress by denying Law School when I was already there. And tried to avoid any interaction with MA programs for as long as I could.

I thought I was just tired and in need of a year to recharge myself but it turns out I am just scared and lazy.

I see my college friends already nearing the end of their graduate degree and I pity myself for allowing to waste such precious time just to fulfill my slothful desires.

2 years. 2 fucking years have gone by and I can't even get myself to decide what I really want.

I want a career. I want to raise my name and break this downward chain of poor character development.

I don't hope for anything anymore. I just want to do it.

In the end, I guess all that huffing and puffing of cigarettes still served their purpose. LOL.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Far from the madding crowd.

I want to be loved like a well-kept secret.

Well-guarded and passionately intimate.

Trusted and well-understood.

I want to be loved honestly and innocently.

I long for the innocent stares and hidden looks.

My soul craves for the exchanged smiles, full of warmth and longing.

I desire to be desired not for my vanity but for the things that I have that cannot be perceived by the naked eye or can be traversed by the basic and common understanding but by deeper connection and intimacy alone.

I wanna be loved without worrying about jealousy or treachery because I know that he is mine and mine alone.

A kind of love that cannot be betrayed by mere distraction nor nonsensical attractions.

I want the kind of adoration wherein I can lay all my problems, vulnerability, and silliness without ever worrying of getting deserted.

A man who can lead me in life and in understanding— a man who is sensible enough to lay his heart for years end and would still adore me when the flesh gets wrinkly and aged.

Nothing is wrong with this generation. We are just looking for what we think we want and not for what we really need. Or maybe we are just looking at love at the wrong angle.

Because romantics still do exist. I still do exist.

Hello?

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Cashew Nuts

As I was walking my paralyzed dog this morning on the farm beside my grandfather's family house, the sensation of the cold morning breeze that danced through the trees and tall bushes enveloped me, waking up the little spout of bliss that my inner child has kept ever since I was younger.

On the palm of my hands, I felt the the slow breathing of my pet against her ribcage as I was carrying her to enjoy the views and I once again saw the spots wherein my cousins and I used to hangout every summer during the prime of our youth.

When we were in grade school and some times during high school, my brother and I used to visit our grandparent's house to be reunited with our cousins and spend weeks there for vacation.

My grandpa's house is located near hills and farms and as curious and energetic children, we used to explore every hills in our slippers, carrying buckets and plastic bags in case we came across fruiting trees that belonged to our family. And when we got home, we would lay down our hoard under those two old lumboy trees.

There is a bridge right after my grandpa's house that leads to long rows of agricultural tilling lands owned by people around the area but before your reach those farms, there are two old lumboy trees just beside the road, which leads to my grandpa's own farm.

Under those two towering lumboy trees, we used to roast cashew nuts that we just picked from the hills or collect the lumboy fruits that has just fallen down to be eaten or delivered to our grandma.

During hot lazy boring days, we would gather carton boxes and would lay them down as mats under those trees and would spend the afternoons there, enjoying the peace given by the nature and listening to music from our keypad mobile phones.

I haven't been able to reminisce those moments spent under those trees for such a long time that I got emotional when I was walking my dog this morning.

Eight years later and it seems like everything has already changed. Enormous wild bushes had already overgrown and took over the area wherein we used to lay down mats during those hot lazy afternoons. The spots wherein we used to roast cashew nuts in cans is now paraded with construction materials and huge boulder of rocks.

As I was standing there, clasping unto the fragile body of my dog, I felt the spirits of the children that we were, running around and chattering nonstop under those two lumboy trees.

My grandma already passed away five years ago and my grandpa cannot farm anymore due to old age, which explains the current state of the area.

I guess the duration of time that I spent with my cousins there made me fell passionately in love with nature and everything that it offers and consists--- even the peace and joy that it brought to our little hearts and beneath the palms of our feet as we ran through those hills, laughing in glee as nothing else important mattered than those cashew nuts that were awaiting for us to be picked.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Change is Inevitable and SCARY but so is being Stagnant

Youth was my best friend and so was my precious luscious desire to contemplate deeper within myself.

Adulthood is depressing and when I need help, I seek my past self.

My old person found consolation amongst solitude and the magic that music always brings.

I abhorred people who were loud and nonsensical. I hated those who always joined the bandwagon even though they did not have any interest on the subject it brought.

Detestation were my feelings to those who could not be their own person ----- AND OWN MIND.

I cherished being in my own space because being alone was my forte. It was the most interesting and sweetest treat that I could ever have because it brought me boggling thoughts that challenged my intellectual and emotional capacity of what is already before me.

I had a passion for people who were on the same radar; those who were willing to discuss the larger reality and touch the lingering issues brought by sensitive fears and mysteries.

Growing up, I wish I could have been more wise rather than going downward spiral. OR perhaps I am just looking at it with the wrong perspective.

MAYBE it is more acceptable to say that I have explored a more mellow version of myself. But in the process, I have become dumber and unaffected.

I want to regain that passion on everything that I do.

I desire to refuel my spirit to focus with the responsibilities given to me no matter how burdensome and heavy they are.

Confessing my performance these days would be shameful since I have been idle and nonchalant. I avoided obligations that I needed to do because I lack the passion to do so.

Now, every single time that I look to my reflection, I see the judgement and suspicion of the people whom I am failing and disappointed.

I am afraid that due to my inadequate passion for my responsibilities, I will never be able to transcend and will continuously fall deeper into my present puddle of depression.

I wish time would slow down and let me recollect myself first. I was too decisive and hurried to become an adult that I have turned into a very lazy, unpassionate, and hateful one.

Gratefulness is what I feel to have been granted with a job that pays well but I think my energy and commitment is treacherous to the person whom I ought to be.

I feel like always wanting for more.... something different... something that will fill my heart even though I will not receive a large sum of money.

I wish I could go back to the pandemic period wherein I was the troubled teenager who sat here in front of my bedroom window, illuminated by the dim white light brought by the old Christmas lights behind her, who wrote her troubles away in her journals... cleansing her soul and mind.

How I wish to go back in time and rediscover songs from the band, 'Cigarettes after Sex'; YT music videos made by 'I'm Cyborg but that's OK'; soundtrack music of the old Japanese drama, 'Long Vacation'--- or even to the more comforting times when I discovered how the soundtrack music of the movie 'The fault in our stars' snuggled my very being, and how the album, 'Badlands', by Halsey, or the 2011 album of Birdy cried with my soul.

Those were a piece of my prime youth.

Tomorrow, when I wake up, I wish to be a better version of myself and start performing as the old me but bigger and braver.

I cannot wait to witness the glories that the future will bring.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

An Honest Testament of Youth

When I was in high school, I always thought that I would make it straight through life.

I got my plans laid out--- I wanted to be a teacher with an English Major; get my Master's degree and marry the love of my life before I turned thirty.

When our teachers asked us write what we wanted to be when we grow up, they only referred as to what profession we will pursue and not the person whom we wanted to become and embody.

Now that I am nearing my twenty-fourth year, I wish that I knew that I only wanted to become happy.

The pursuit of happiness is a dreading task. Perhaps because during time of pursuing it, we realize how melancholic and sad we are.

During my eight grade, my cousin introduced me to a movie, “The Little Prince”, and I was hooked up by the philosophical essence that it contained.

How can an adult forget his/her imagination— childlike senses—- that helps them to be happy when they grow up?

Now, as a college graduate and a 2 year experience of professional working, I can say that life can get rough as it can get.

I have to juggle both work and my personal life at the same time and often, I find it almost suffocating in the means that I barely have time for myself.

Also, Franz already went to Hawaii three weeks ago and I must say that he took a piece of me with him.

We barely had time together during his remaining months here since there were so many events that took place--- Tito Jo got murdered so there was a month-long funeral and we had to wait for all their relatives to come home before he got buried.

It was a month of mourning, stress, and hassle of busy bodies.

After he got buried, we had to escort his cousins and sister everywhere since they came home all the way from Australia for the funeral, so we didn't really had enough time to be alone together.

Due to the present situation, the families bid their goodbyes at the condominium and then with a small party, we dropped them off at the airport.

There was only Franz and I, and we were sobbing uncontrollably when we were saying our final goodbyes. Inno was watching us.

"Agan-anus ka baby, urayennak."

It was heart breaking to realize that he and I will not be able to touch, kiss, or be with each other for a long time.

Surreal it was. Ate Gelle and Vien came to fetch me at the airport and as we were driving back home, I could not control my eyes to swell up as I saw the empty coffee cups and a packet of McDo apple pie that Franz and I just ate and drank last night.

It dawned upon me that those nights of driving around trying to get coffee and food together have come to a pause.

Back at the house where we started our relationship and had lived for 2 years, I couldn't sit at the bed without sobbing because I just realized that everything has changed and that I will no longer have in presence the person who makes me laugh and mad every night.

On the afternoon of that very day, I drove around San Nicolas to Batac just to cry my heart out because it was too much for me to handle and I couldn't hid it in anymore.

I realized the value of the slow days... those lazy Sunday afternoons; those late night talks until three AM; those long drives to my hometown.

How i wish to have savored every bit of them.

I wished that we shouldn't have fought that often and enjoyed every time that we had instead.

Now, I have to take care of our dogs while he watches us virtually. I have to wake up and go to work without eating breakfast or even a pack of lunch to eat during afternoon breaks. I am slowly learning to live again with only his virtual presence.

But when I think of it, it was right that we had allowed those times to flash away before eyes the way they were--- slowly.

At times, I feel very lonely and I miss him so bad. I would let him know and it would melt my heart when I hear him say that he misses me too, especially when gets homesick.

Now, we know our priorities and we feel that we have a stronger connection and bond.

Loving a person who is a thousand miles away is difficult but not having him on my life would be unbearable. So, I guess we'll just have to wait until God opens a new path for us to be together again.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I wish I followed my childhood passion and became an artist instead.

I guess life would be so much easier just doing my art.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Redemption

I have come a long way in redeeming myself.

Over the course of April and half of May, I learnt that healing is a constant process of denial, acceptance, doubting, and numbing the pain.

Ever since Franz committed treachery in our relationship, I have learnt to embrace myself more--- as an individual, in my sole entirety.

Betrayal is not a new feeling to me but the context of finding that you can never really know a person all too well has given me an entire different depth of what treachery is.

I think that what scarred me the most is giving my entire trust and self to Franz. I shattered when I read his name on the screenshots that they sent me.

I realized that I never truly knew him at all.

I did not know that he can do such a thing despite everything that he said... despite everything that I believed.

I have my own share of cheating and I appreciate him for choosing to stay and for accepting my flaws. That is why it hit me when he said that he deserves a second chance after everything that I did to him, but still I found him undeserving of it even though he was compassionate with me in the past.

I just cannot undo all of it. It does not make sense to me.

We were happy during my last vacation two weeks before his cheating happened. He was so smooth about it. He could call me and call her at the same day and he would still flash a smile at me and say that he loves me even though he was aware that he was betraying my love and commitment to him.

Six weeks later, here I am. I have accepted the fact that humans are weak and are susceptible to temptation and desire. We agreed to start over and have forgiven each other after almost a continuous streaks of arguing and even losing each other's minds.

However, now that I can finally see a difference in our relationship--- we have become more open and communicative to each other; we have accepted the fact that we have a lot of differences and LOVING each other means compromising to each other's needs and; we are more gentle and kinder to one another--- I feel like I can live alone.

And yes, individuals in a relationship really needs to feel like a separate entity even though they are in a relationship but what I meant is that I almost want to be single, again.

I want to feel how is it like to be loved purely; to be loved as you and you only.

I want to feel how is it to be just yourself--- in your own space, growing and flourishing in every aspect.

But I guess it is true when they said that steady relationships takes a lot of forgiving and patience and that TRUE love comes when the spark is gone and all you do is fight but you still choose to stay because you want to grow with THAT person, and you want the future to happen with THAT person.

But, I have promised to myself that this is the last time that I have sacrificed my mental wellness and self-respect for US. If he is going to cheat again, then it will be my cue to leave. Because I have disciplined myself over the years to not betray him anymore but what he gave me is the total opposite of that one BIG promise that he vowed to me when we started getting serious in our relationship.

I think that with all that pain, self-questioning, self-blaming, and finally accepting that it is not my fault; I think I am strong enough to handle myself in the future if this ever occurs again in our relationship.

Life is really full of surprises, huh?

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Series of Core Memories

The Sounds of Fresh Youth

I cannot recall all the moments that led me to the person I am now.

But my mind is so restless that even the smallest thing or sound that are associated with my core memories can trigger a recollection that has impacted me so much in my youth, I still carry their scent and texture in my heart.

When I accidentally play my songs on shuffle, sometimes, it lands to the songs of Halsey, from her album 'Badlands'. Drive, Strange Love, Roman Holiday, Colors--- they were introduced to me by my first boyfriend during our Senior high. One day, he gave me a present of a hard drive, which contains mixes of albums by Birdy, Halsey, the complete official soundtrack of the film 'The Fault in our Stars', and movies and other songs which he thought I would like.

He was sweet and thoughtful at the time but what I am grateful about is that he introduced me to these artists because he thought I would like them and it turned out that I, do like them, very much.

They became a part of my youth--- the times that I tried very hard to impress my first boyfriend. He used to tease and mock me because my family rarely went out during the summer break while he and his family were always out, hopping from one resort to another.

Feeling bad about myself, I would invite my parents and cousins to go out so that I can later tell my boyfriend the stories of my adventures. It was depressing but it was astonishing how I would listen to Halsey alone at night in my bed and I would feel refreshingly amazing, until I felt like not giving a single fuck on any of his mockery anymore. And my series of joys came smoothly after that. Strolling out on fields, meadows, and rivers with my cousins were the adventures that I got and I cannot possibly trade them for any resort hopping.

The Food of Safety Feelings

When I am alone in our tiny apartment here in Quezon City, I tend to miss home. And by missing home, I would get knots of anxiety and sadness in the pit of my stomach and I would be helpless because nothing can save me from the decision of moving to the big city, which I made all by myself.

Moving here, I originally lived with my aunt, uncle, and cousins until the owner of the house notified us that my cousins and I needed to move and rent an apartment next door, which made me feel more a little out of place.

It seldomly rains here in the big city but one time, I was awakened by the sound of heavily pouring rain. I went outside to stare at the lone tree that is propped beside our neighbor's house, but we can see it because we are renting on the second floor of the building. Its leaves were dancing in the rain and the anger of the downpour tickled my memories back when I was a child--- an elementary schooler who loved taking days off at school due to bad weather.

Our home's area was located near the mountains and the weather there brought us abundant encounters of rainfall. In fact, when the month of June approaches, we would receive downpours of rain literally every early evening. It made me develop my love and affection to rain.

But one time, it was raining all morning that it made elementary schools to cancel the school day to protect the children. The roads were easily flooded by rain due to the lack of large canals that can catch the water. My father was home from abroad that time and my mother is an elementary teacher, so when classes were suspended, she was also given a sweet moment to rest.

I remember how my brother and I changed giddily back to our pajamas and ran to the living room to position ourselves in front of the TV. The water was knee-high outside (I was a child), and the wind was blowing hard, which made the day a perfect moment for hot food.

It was easy to make but it was simply delicious. My mother took out three packets of Lucky Me instant noodles, chicken flavored, out of her pantry and started cooking some heartwarming soup. When she was done cooking, she served my brother and I each a bowl of the steaming instant noodles, with eggs, in the living room while we were watching cartoons.

The strong savory aroma filled the room as we ate to our little hearts' content. Moments later, my father joined us in the living room after he finished checking the condition of our house outside. He and my mother also ate and watched with us while the rain was pouring.

This small memory contributed so much to how I view my family as cozy, safe, and somehow happy as I was growing up. Looking back, we rarely use our living room now as a complete family. My brother and I parted home in search for opportunities and I always try my best to spend time at home from time to time, but those moments are all part of our childhood now and all I can do is to be grateful that such things happened.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Simple People

I will live in a faraway countryside.

I will have a garden bountiful of dahlias, tulips, roses, and chamomiles.

I won't run out of carrots, sweet potatoes, different kinds of peas, tomatoes, and greens.

I will set a little tea table by this garden of mine, and on it, my husband and I will eat hearty breakfasts and tasty snacks in the afternoon.

The kitchen of my lovely home will always be filled with radiant warmth, laughter, and smell of delicious food.

My husband and I would cook our favorite binagoongan, ginataang laing, sinigang na baboy, sisig, and inabraw. And when time gets good, he'll prepare me some good quality steak, Caesar salad, and Hungarian sausages.

Our children will be loved. Oh, loved so well.

We'll learn how to fix holes and arguments, just like what we're doing now.

We'll enjoy the little things in life. Like fixing up the door handle. Running up to the mall late at night to buy materials for our little one's project due tomorrow. Cleaning up after our dog or cat's vomit. Washing the dishes or folding the laundry.

And when time gets boring, we can pack up our bags and go for a little trip on the beach, on a nearby bigger city, or up in the mountains.

And when we feel like the other person is struggling, we'll hug and hold each other's hand and say... "Don't worry baby, everything's gonna be alright. You'll see."

[aforestwitchpancakes]

When things do not go as it is supposed to be.

What will I do when I start crying about my dreams?

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I am not a happy person.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am the only one who is feeling like this.

Sometimes, I wonder if nobody else feels the same suffering as I do.

I constantly battle with my emotions. I keep pushing them inside my mind, in a teeny tiny box, but when nights get sulky and comfortable, and I am left in my bed with just my thoughts--- all of them get unleashed and starts messing up with my mind and my being.

Right now, I just realized how poor and isolated I am. I live with cousin roommates on a two-bedroom apartment, eat a decent meal when I can, pay my bills, and try to live a little when the budget is not too tight.

I am not ungrateful about it. I know that there are still many people out there who would kill to have what I have right now.

My point is, I just realized how life could be so scary--- and all I have is myself to hold on to.

What am I gonna do 5-10 years later? Am I just supposed to be living off my routine--- work, sleep, eat, and repeat?

I worry if I am ever gonna build my own house, my own home, with my very own garden.

I worry if I am gonna be just an average worker.

I worry for myself.

For the dreams that I wanted to achieve.

For the ambitions that I still want to make.

I worry if I will only ever spend my time working hard for money that won't even give me the happiness.

I worry that I worry too much.

But after all the wailing and the worrying, I think I'll just have to trust the process that God is trying to lay out for me.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Thoughts on the Train

Come collect the crumbs of your familiarity.

They are laid out in the corners of my room like seeds waiting to be pecked by crows.

Bring them back to Babylon where they belong. Hang them in the gardens of your words and in them, let blossoms bloom.

The lovers we are, are people who will never meet again--- whose scents lingered and slowly vanished from the imprints of the mind.

Your t-shirts I wear, but it is you whom I do not recognize anymore.

The kids we will be having are better without us.

The plans we made are better to be built by somebody else.

The home we will make is now forever lost in paradise.

And the dog that we got will forever long for my presence--- but I know that you will take care of her.

Now, I understand what you meant when you told me to not seek and chase for your shadows. Because now, I also want you to forget and let me run away.

I sought for truth and in loneliness I found it. I was lucky that you gave up first because when you were ready to hunt my heart again, I already reached a safe haven on and for my own--- where I was safe and sound.

I was lucky because by leaving me, I realized the beauty of standing on my own feet and how to endure sorrow by seeking laughter and joy in my daily endeavors.

Please don't follow me. Not anymore.

Let me rest and let other people seek me.

The universe granted us a chance, but we we're so wrong by believing that it will always be there.

Although nothing is wasted, the 'YOU AND I' that we've always known is gone and has taken its exit.

MAJR, 2023

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Words.

It is crazy how in this maddening world, words are the most powerful tool that can bring anything back--- to reminisce, to enjoy, or to long for times that are remnants of past.

When I was in college, when my tatay is home from traversing the seas, we would always go out on Sundays to hang out, shop, eat, and to refill our groceries.

We would spend the day in the city and would rush home at 4-6pm so that we would still have time to cook for a hearty meal when the evening comes.

Yesterday, when I was back home in Ilocos Norte to celebrate the holidays, I could not help myself but to reminisce how simple yet so perfect those days were as I was staring into space when the rays of the afternoon sun swayed with the December breeze, filling up Kuya Kidd's room and my nostrils of a scent so endearing from the past that I wanted to go back.

From the back of my mind, I do remember how everybody in the house would yell at each other when 4 pm comes and the back door of the kitchen is open because from it, strong radiant rays of sunlight would enter and would directly hit the freezer, and they were afraid that too much sunlight would affect the device.

But then, we would still be busy cleaning up and packing every grocery and market items in the back kitchen that we cannot close the back door yet.

After cleaning up, Tatay, Nanay, my Kuya (on very rare occasions), Lolo, and I would gather up in the dining area for early evening toasts and coffee while we cooperate in preparing dinner.

That routine was always a family thing every Sunday that my Kuya and I tend to underestimate how to cherish those simple times.

Little did we knew that two-three years later, everything would start to change and that we have to go our own separate ways.

And now that I am sitting on the balcony of Lolo Arsing's house in Quezon City, writing these words from experiences of the past, I am grateful of having indulged myself in the simple, slow, boring days of my youth with my family in the province.

Because they made my life beautiful and I can say that because I won't be here typing these sentiments away if not for them.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I have to be honest.

I was in the dating site of Facebook because I was feeling lonely after how Franz treated me at the end of our relationship.

In dating sites, most guys are just there for their poor attempt of finding someone whom they could have meaningless sexual intercourse with.

And sometimes, I am the most idiotic person that ever existed on Earth.

So, I met someone. And no, we did not have sex. yet. HAHAHAH

His name is Jacques and I did not expect anything good because I learned to expect all the bad in everything to avoid disappointment.

His approach was cute but I thought that he was a fuckboy because he looked so smug in his photos.

But due to curiosity and the never ending yearning for social engagement made me want to go out with him. And he seemed like a decent and intellectual person.

He is a fourth year Psych student from UST, which is so near here.

We planned to go out on Sunday but my Saturday nights are so motionless so I asked him if he was available that night.

He compromised and said yes.

And as first dates goes, my stomach was full of knots and I felt like puking when I finally saw his car, waiting for me downstairs.

It was my first date, EVER AGAIN, after Franz.

The date went by like a blur. It was a hazy dream. He was fucking perfect. Even too good to be true.

Or maybe because he is so different from all the guys that I have dated before.

He reminded me of Christian but Jacques was more open to me. He liked to kept the conversation going without the intention of sugar coating anything.

He was like a cat.

He listens; talks intellectually and; he is funny. But he is also gentle, graceful, and quiet.

I observed how he demanded that parking guy to get his fucking umbrella from the back of his car and I immediately knew that this was his kind of upbringing.

But no, he was not arrogant nor smug. He was kind and he got this kind of aura that makes you safely open yourself to him.

From my perspective, he was not judgmental and was just cool to be there, sitting on the driver seat, in his car, beside me.

I really got surprised when he told me that my hobby reminded him of his mum. Probably because I have never met somebody else, in real life, who also write their thoughts privately on their personal blog.

I am even fucking ashamed of myself. GOOOOODDDDDDD. I just realized yesterday how humiliating going back to MCDONALD's multiple times just to use their loo, was.

I told him about it and he just laughed it off, which comforted me a bit. Haha

I also like how easy it is to talk with him. Like, he just says the things that are running in my head and I am surprised sometimes because no one has been like this to me than my best friends.

What I like the most about him is how he expresses his intentions just so purely. He said he liked no mind games no more and I could not agree more. He is looking forward to us and I asked him yesterday if he ever thinks that we might fall in love with each other in the future.

He said yes and I thought my brain lagged for a bit upon hearing it.

After hours of talking, we suddenly got silent and I have been observing his body language over the hours.

We were shy of each other because every time that I noticed myself leaning towards him, he leans toward the window. And if he is the one leaning towards me, I lean towards the window because I was shy and nervous every time we get physically close.

I asked him if he wanted to kiss. He said yes but he was shy. And I was laughing and asked why he is shy. He said he's not shy anymore and then he motioned his arms towards me to embrace me for a kiss but I was the one who suddenly refused cowardly because of shame.

He still motioned his arms for a kiss and so, with his arms around me, we slowly touched our lips together.

It was a fucking dream. He tasted good and manly. And that look of wanting more every time I look at him in between kisses was so fucking hot.

I could not prevent myself to moan every time he caressed my body while eating my brains out. We took it backseat but I made it clear that we will not be having sex.

We just laid there comfortably, making out and not being able to get enough of each other's scent and taste.

I loved how he burrowed his face into my chest, just hugging me, and I to him.

I felt really safe.

I also liked how he controlled himself not to have sex with me even though he wanted to taste my pussy while sucking my breasts.

He kissed me on the forehead and motioned me to sit. I believe that respectful men are those who are high-valued and are to be admired.

I went to sleep that night with him on my thoughts and his scent all over me.

He said I smelled really good and that he was craving for my scent all day. Well, I craved for the taste of his lips and his saliva.

I do not know where this relationship will go but I do not want to rush anything yet. I like him a lot but if he wants us to get into an exclusive relationship, then we have to take our time slowly.

I was taken aback also last night when during making out, I asked him if we will ever go out again, and he said "Yes, as long as you're mine now."

I suddenly blurted, "What?", in surprise, and I felt bad because he got conscious of himself.

He straightened himself and processed his thoughts but I asked him, why did we stop? So he leaned in again to continue kissing.

He said that he does not care how fast things could go. As long as we're happy with each other.

And I am.

HAHA