ajm-mood-and-food-diary

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Late morning, March 27th, 2024

Mood: anxiety, curiousity

I have a date tonight! And i got my generic adderall prescription filled! Time to see if it actually does anything for my ADHD or if it just...doesn't do anything. The anxiety comes from waiting to see if it works or if i need to switch to something else already. The curiousity is from what it'll do to me if it works. I haven't taken adderall for 14 years so we'll see what happens i guess.

Food: a delicious salad i made.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Afternoon, March 18th, 2024

Mood: bad. It's all just bad

I think i'm just deprived of external validation and it's like going through withdrawl because i felt validated just by being in a relationship. And that wasn't healthy. Like at all. I understand that now and putting it out into the universe will hopefully help.

But fuck me i miss coming home to someone who wanted me there. I miss all the little things about it. And i know those are specific to the person you're with so now i have to learn a new set of stuff eventually and that just sounds exhausting at this point.

I asked my ex if we could sit down and talk about all this. Just sit and hang out and talk. I haven't gotten a reply yet but hopefully we can schedule aomething when i get back from vacation.

Food: i ate breakfast but skipped lunch, the overnight oats and protein powder keep me very full.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Night, March 17th, 2024

Mood: unsure

I haven't updated in a few days, i'm alive i promise! I've just had a lot of social time, which is good, but it came at the cost of me pushing myself too hard and eventually realizing i hadn't taken a rest day for myself in a week. So i did that today.

I'm excited to go to Tampa and see my friends this week! I'm not excited about the three days of work i have ahead of me though.

Food: had pizza today. And leftover pizza for dinner.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Morning, March 15th, 2024

Mood: sadness, frustration, anxiety

I'm once again feeling like i'm just stuck and not doing anything. I know i need rest days, i can't be going and doing things every day, but when i don't have plans i feel like i have failed and like an anti-social loser. But at the same time i don't want to just...go out by myself. I'm a social person but not quite confident enough in myself.

Which i believe is my whole issue. I know there are activities i enjoy doing. But i don't have a bike to go cycling with, it's not quite time for kayaking, and i hate being alone in my apartment so my indoor hobbies are currently a retreat and a trigger for my emotions.

On top of this, i went on an emotional spew at my ex last night. I told her some of the thoughts i was having about her, mostly negative, and i'm worried that she's going to process that information and not want to have anything to do with me anymore. Why do i do this to myself.

Food: the actual ghost of general tso's chicken because it wss the leftovers of the leftovers from last night.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Evening, March 14th, 2024

Mood: wishy-washy, happy-sad, uncertain

I went out to bar trivia, drank only water and ordered no food, but i ate a good amount before i left so i'm still full up. Our team won, champs two weeks running, go us.

I'm texting my ex and i want to just vomit emotions at her but i also know that's unproductive and unhealthy. She'll be here Saturday anyway so i can truly gauge how far i've come since i last saw her two weeks or so ago. Hopefully i made some progress with dealing with all this.

On the 7 stages i'm probably between anger and depression but weirdly i think i experienced like...depression, anger, and pain all at once? And now i'm just trying to rebuild from here?

Who knows if i hit a major depression i'll let people know so i don't backslide too hard.

Food: the ghost of general tso's chicken.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Midnight, March 14th, 2024

Mood: confusion, romance, sadness

Tw: sexual content

My tattoo went amazing. It looks awesome and i am over the moon with it. My date from Sunday drove to my city to be there with me and it helped a lot actually, i think i would have had a much worse experience without him. And then we got chinese takeout and went back to my place and talked and got comfortable and sexual. He sucked my dick, and i realized i've just never had a good blowjob before. Legitimately life-changing head. I helped him jerk off and got him to cum, and then he went back home. I'm conflicted because i'm happy he's gone and i can just do my own thing for bed...but i really wish he was here.

I just wish someone was here.

Food: general tso's chicken.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Evening, March 13th, 2024

Mood: excitement

Tattoooooooo appointment in an hour. I'll post photo's. I haven't updated all day because i woke up later than normal and had to get ready for my pre-employment screenings at my new job and then i came home and ate lunch, found a picture of my ex and I together at a wedding but didn't get sad! And now i'm doing the ADHD thing of "i have less than 2 hours before a scheduled thing i cannot start anything" which i love, not really.

Food: ate tortellini for breakfast, chips for lunch, dinner will be something.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Afternoon, March 12th, 2024

Mood: nihilism

Living feels pointless and i know it's my ADHD wanting things to happen now now now now now no stop cannot stop need dopamine

But i genuinely just feel pretty bad today! Physically i'm fine but mentally i am bottomed out. There are too many things to do around the fuuuuuuucking apartment too. I'm 30 years old and can barely function i feel like a failure.

Food: some bullshit junk food i bought at a Home Depot because we had to stop there for work.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Morning, March 12th, 2024

Mood: apathetic

Tattoo appointment tomorrow. Drug test for my new job tomorrow. I'm excited for both of them but the dopamine rush of booking/receiving the news has long worn off. And after yesterday i just feel nothing but apathy. Even the best day can be ruined by something so simple after all.

That said the guy i saw Sunday is driving to me to be there for my tattoo. That'll be nice at least.

My best friend did give me a small revelation about why i'm feeling the way i am. I had a first priority option for what i wanted from my current relationship with my ex, and that's obviously not an option anymore. So now i don't know what i want for the next option in the list.

Part of me wants to just be best friends who go do stuff together, and can hang out with our pasts...not behind us, but settled away.

Part of me wants to hate her forever for what she did. I want to do to her what she did to me.

And part of me hopes there's still some physical connection we can make so i can just fuck every thought and sensation out of her pretty little head while she screams my name.

I guess i have to decide on what i want.

Food: ham sandwich.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Evening, March 11th, 2024

Mood: enlightened, horrified, ashamed

I get it. I get why she left.

I had a panic attack at the grocery store. I managed to keep it together and not cry in public and made it back to my apartment before collapsing and the entire time i went through cycles of craving revenge and wanting her to shelter me from these emotions. To hold me.

And i wanted to tell her all this and how i felt but i wanted to let it all out at her and curse her for doing this to me. But i want her to still come over. I want to still be friends. I want to ruin her life. I don't know what i want.

And it clicked. Did she feel like this with me? Did she have this exact same thought process every day? For how long? Was it always this bad?

Was it my fault?

I texted her. Asking her. I don't know what answer i want.

Food: pita's with cheese and barbecue chicken.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Morning, March 11th, 2024

Mood: a bit angsty

I woke up feeling fine, did my morning workout, ate breakfast, now at work. I'm feeling more clarity about everything but it's going to be a long process to feel truly healed from this i'm realizing. Basically i keep wanting to get back on the bike i was just on, but my ass is broken and i'm pretty sure i'll just hurt myself.

Food: overnight oats goats and moats with a side of floats.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Night, March 11th, 2024

Mood: happiness, contented

I talked with my date about everything. And he completely understood what i was going through and feeling and made me feel very validated in my emotions. He is so sweet. I am so glad he feels like this and that's why i want to protect him from me. I'm a mess right now and i don't know how i'll feel in 30 minutes let alone 30 days. But i can tell he cares. I'm not going to lose him anytime soon and i'm so lucky to be able to feel like that.

Food: it's 2am i'm not eating a damn thing

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Fuck her

I told her about my date hoping for something to indicate she still had even a tiny spark of something, anything, towards me. She was happy for me. She was happy to see me get out there and be my best self.

I drove the entire way home wishing it had been her i'd had that date with. The kisses in the stairway. The talk in the car. The sentiments we shared. In the moment i wanted it to be him, i enjoyed it being him, the boy i spent my Sunday night with.

But it felt hollow. It didn't fill the hole she left.

I chased a replacement. And it's not fair to anyone. Least of all him, least of all her, least of all me.

My first step forward took me fifty steps backward.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Evening, March 10th, 2024

Mood: happy, disappointed, confused.

Maybe i'm not bisexual. I absolutely thought my date was attractive. I was happy with the level of physicality that happened (making out, some heavier petting, nothing got out of clothing though) and yet...idk, i wouldn't say no to seeing him again but i'm not excited about the prospect. He did, admittedly, throw out some MAJOR red flags. Especially in general beliefs. Not enough to completely ditch him but definitely enough to go "well i know we aren't ending up together long term". And that's probably where it lies, i don't want to string him along due to that.

Food: had pasta for dinner, and also most of his chicken sandwich, my guts are a bit fucked from antibiotics too.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Early evening, March 10th, 2024

Mood: heavy anxiety, butterflies in stomach style

Why am i so nervous about this date. I could psychoanalyze all the fear and anxiety and where it stems from until the cows come home in an attempt to rationalize these emotions away, but i don't have that much time. I could just drive away and ignore all their texts and ghost them but i do like this person (mostly) and do want to give them an honest chance. I feel like i'm going to vomit though! Maybe it's happy anxiety that i'm misunderstanding?

The waiting is the worst part honestly. Also gosh darn i need to pee.

Food: whatever we go get for dinner. Probably something light like fish though.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Afternoon, March 10th, 2024

Mood: hollowness, apathy

I'm killing time before my date, at a coffee shop in a city i have little knowledge of, and while i'm emotionally and mentally fine, there's this gnawing hollowness i feel. Why am i doing this? Why do i suddenly have to be exploring a city solo, when just a month or two ago i could've been doing this with someone else?

I don't want to be doing any of this. I'd rather be having a nice weekend with my chosen partner. I'd rather be making memories with them. But now i've been forced to action, to be spontaneous, to be outgoing and adventurous, and while i know the journey will be worth it when i find the destination, it just feels like aimless wandering right now. I had settled into a chosen routine, and now i am forced to keep moving lest something worse find me.

I'm not sad about it, but i'm not happy about it either

Food: iced chai latte. Not hungry after the bahn mi i had for brunch.

[ajm-mood-and-food-diary]

Morning, March 10th, 2024

Mood: anxiety, excitement

Date later today! And my sports team of choice is playing in the ACC Championship (Go Wolfpack, go women's sports) today so i'm nervous about that too. But i'm excited! I didn't expect to be going on dates this quick honestly. And especially not in a city i've barely spent time in.

I'm definitely kissing them tonight though. If the mood is right anyway.

Food: undetermined. But i am getting breakfast with my best friend. So it'll be good no matter what.