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twenty years across the sea

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— Nitya Prakash

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bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

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"You handled it so well"

I didn't. Five months since it happened and I still feel like dying every single day.

Five months of feeling my heart broken like it was the first time.

Five months of pain in my throat everytime I try not to cry.

Five months of trying my best to move on and heal but not making progress at all.

Five months.

And everyone expects me to be over it by now. I, even, expect me to be over it.

My brain keep telling me that this is too pathetic and I'm just making a big deal out of it. But my body and soul and especially my heart keep telling me otherwise.

So no. I didn't handle it well. I don't even know to handle it at all.

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I hope you're missing me the way I am missing you. I really do. Do I remind you whenever you play PS5 or sleeping in your bed? Does driving monty reminds you of me?

I hope so. I hope my ghost still haunts you. I hope you look for me in everyone you meet. And I hope you never find me in them. And you will settle in fragments of me you see in them while wishing you shouldn't have let me go.

This is what I hope for.

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I'm not perfect. To be honest, I'm far from it--I'm messy, anxious, too much, and fucked up. But I know I loved you the best way I can. I loved you the best way I know how. And yet, you still choose to leave.

I want to understand. Believe me I really do. And I'm thinking maybe this was easier for me if you told me that you don't want anything to do with my messy family or my fucked up brain or my unbelievably ridiculous way of life.

And I would completely understand. I would not ask for more because I know only few (or probably none) people would be able to accept those wholeheartedly. And as much as I want you to stay, I would never ask you that because I love you fiercely to cage you with those.

But yet, you deny me a reason I can understand. You deny me the choice to fight.

Honestly, I'd rather hear you say you don't love me anymore than saying you do and then leave. Because if you plan on piercing me with a knife, I hope you do it with so much force and precision that I don't have a choice but to let go.

And yet, you didn't.

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Today, I went to our favorite place to eat steak. I really want to know if I still enjoy or like the food here kahit hindi na kita kasama. I ordered our usual. Too bad they don't have dirty horchata.

Saks lang yung steak hindi life changing pero naenjoy ko padin naman especially yung mashed potato. Hindi ko bet yung salad tho. Hindi kasi bagay sa steak siguro.

Alam mo while I'm sitting there eating alone. I catch myself asking God to see you there. I badly want to see you there. Sabi ko kahit may kasama ka pang ibang girl or yung friends mo or yung parents mo, okay lang basta makita kita. That's how badly I want to see you.

How will you react kaya? Will you acknowledge me ba or hindi mo ako papansinin?

Ako? Depende. If you're with someone else that I didn't know, probably, I won't get your attention if hindi mo naman ako napansin. But if ever we locked eyes, I'll probably just nod and acknowledge that I saw you. If you're with your friends, I'll probably just smile and wave at your group. If you're with tita your parents, I'll probably say hi. They welcomed me to their house and your mom loved me at some point. It's rude if I don't say hi, right?

These are the scenarios that ran through my mind while eating alone. Probably these won't happen. I'm not this strong, I guess. Baka nga umiyak pa ako pag makita kita.

But you know, I still badly want to see you. Sana makita kita. Miss na miss na kita. It's my first time to visit SM North again. We used to have our dates here. Nagpunta din ako ng Muji to buy ballpen and planner kaso wala na atang planner. May nabili akong cute na pink ballpen. SM North will always remind me of you. Ano ba yan, yung fave SM ko pa yung niruin mo for me.

I still cry a lot. And to be honest, your comfort is what I need right now. Kung dati 'to. Imemessage lang kita na I'm sad and I'm crying, for sure aalis ka na ng bahay nyo to see me. Bibili tayo ng ice cream sa Mcdo tapos makikinig ka lang sa kwento ko. You will hug and kiss me and tell me it will be alright. Hindi magiging maayos agad pero gagaan kasi nandyan ka.

My bestfriend told me baka daw napagod ka kakaintindi sakin. Totoo ba yun? Nakakapagod ba ako intindihin? Nakakapagod ba mga drama ko sa buhay? Yung mga pagpapabebe ko sayo? Napagod ka ba or naturn off ka ba sa panlilibre mo sakin every date natin?

Sorry if I was too much for you and thank you for letting me go when you realized that. Because I know I might shrink myself just so you can handle me. That's how I love you. And that's how willing I am to abandon myself just to be with you.

And as much as I don't want to credit you, you abandoning me, discarding me, and leaving me, will eventually make me realize that I don't have to be less for someone to love me.

So thank you. As much as I don't want to say it now, thank you.

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I met my younger self for coffee this morning.

We were both late. I was late by 5 minutes and she arrived 30 minutes later.

She ordered her favorite mocha frappe with one shot of hazelnut syrup. I ordered hot matcha latte. I told her I stopped drinking coffee now. She was shocked.

She wore an oversized shirt, skinny jeans, and her favorite vans. I wore a sleeveless blouse, cardigan, smart tucked shorts, and crocs. She looked at my cardigan funny but I told her I tend to get cold a lot now.

She asked me if we still cry a lot. I told her yes. “Things didn’t get better?” she asked again. I told her, it did.

She was confused but I told her that our life did get better. No, we didn’t become the person we wanted to be but we became the person we needed to be. I told her that we are softer now that’s why we still cry a lot. And it was not a bad thing.

She was quiet and after awhile she asked me if we finally fall inlove the way we envisioned it. I told her yes. But I didn’t tell her it ended and it hurt so bad. I didn’t want to scare her. Instead, I told her what a priviledged it is to love wholeheartedly.

She smiled, I hugged her and wiped away a tear.

I hope we can meet again for coffee.

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“I am both worse and better than you thought.”

— Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals Of Sylvia Plath

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I am just a simple girl, take me to a bookstore and I will tell you about each book I have read, about my tbr, about the genres, and will probably give you 100+ recommendations even if you haven't asked for.

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Work hard in silence. Let success make the noise.

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exploring paris <3

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behind every hot girl is a tbr of 100+ books

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So many books, so many flowers

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Boston’s Brattle Book Shop