alexxkresnik

[alexxkresnik]

Me: I've got lots to do and reply to this weekend!

Also me: ... but what if I made a blog for my WOL

[alexxkresnik]

I will be pretty busy the next few days taking care of valiisthea (and doing my actual job lmao sob) so replies and such will come later this week and weekend 🧡

[alexxkresnik]

What will your future be like?

He's squinting. Hard.

"In a fight, right?"

".... right?"

[alexxkresnik]

Alex is quiet and patient, wanting to make sure he doesn’t accidently spook Clive with any sudden movements or sounds as he gets comfortable. He’s sure Clive doesn’t want to seem this vulnerable in front of someone else. He was always trying so hard to act like a fearless leader; which Alex admired, but also felt a little bad about. He was of the opinion that everyone should be able to show their vulnerabilities and fears in front of their friends and family, to be comforted when needed, but he knew not everyone felt the same. 

He wanted to be a source of comfort for Clive, though, especially when he had to pretend that he was fine. 

Once the both of them seemed settled - for the meantime, at least - he finally let his eyelids flutter closed. There wasn’t much he could do in this position without disturbing the man, which was the last thing he wanted to do. It was too early for him to fall asleep so he would just rest for now. 

Or, he thought he would. It wasn’t the hand joining the head resting on his chest that bothered him. If anything, it was more comforting to himself; Clive was warm and any extra contact just helped him relax that much more. 

No, it was Clive’s words. The ever so slight dampness of his shirt where the man’s head rests. He didn’t much care about his shirt getting damp. It was just a shirt and he’d need to change it later anyways. The tears concerned him, though. He’d wanted this to be a comforting experience, but it seemed he’d just made the poor man’s emotions worse. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve been through a lot, Clive. You’re allowed to express your emotions if and when you need to. I won't tell a soul. Whatever happens here stays between us.” He kept his voice soft and gentle, hoping to ease his mind even just a little. He also lifted one of his hands and gently ran his fingers through his hair. This was nothing new to him. He’d had siblings who would do the same thing. Even some of the other Cursebreakers sought him out for comfort after particularly gruesome missions. He was more than happy to do the same for Clive when needed.

There was a lot of thoughts running through Clive's head as Alexx laid beside him, mostly worries about how this could potentially inappropriate and that he shouldn't want this, he doesn't need nor deserve to be treated this way. Trying to silence these thoughts is what caused a long few moments of hesitation once the cursebreaker was situated, there would be an awkward shuffle, inching closer before he eventually finds himself pressing an ear atop the other's chest.

It was very unusual being in this position, he can't remember the last time he'd been this close to someone. Feeling vulnerable and needing comfort like this. It was so alien that, for the longest time, the outlaw didn't know where to put his arms. Still he listened closely to the slow, steady drumming of Alexx's heartbeat and simply let his mind wander, even focusing on the gentle rocking of their breathing.

The closest interaction involving one's heart he'd had in recent times were feeling the final, flutters of Cid's as he was given their Eikon. It was a haunting feeling and once the memory enters his mind, Clive carefully presses a hand right beside his head, as if to confirm that his heart really is as strong as he was hearing. As the moments turned into minutes, Clive feels his eyes begin stinging; all the emotions from such a simple sound became all too much.

"Sorry... I don't know what's wrong with me..." Clive apologizes, attempting to wipe away his tears before they damped Alexx's shirt -- He asks himself, what kind of leader cries like a baby at the sound of a heartbeat?

[alexxkresnik]

“Well, they’re cute additions,” he said, casually motioning towards the scales, tail, and ear fins. He’d never gotten to see Prince Dion semi-primed - or any other Dominant, now that he thought about it - so it was interesting to see which attributes showed through. Though, now he kind of wanted to see the actual transformation. That would be pretty cool. 

A thought for another day, perhaps. 

As soon as his lance was in his hands, he readied himself. “Don’t hold back just because you’re a Dominant now. I expect you to give me everything you’ve got.” He would certainly give his own all, wanting to see just how far he’d come these past five years. If he came out of this unscathed then he'd be a little disappointed. 

Kat was one of the few people who could keep up with him, even sometimes going above and beyond his own abilities. It made him admire her that much more. Made him want to push himself that much harder. There was no tiptoeing or holding back. Just pure energy colliding against one another. 

And who knew? Maybe she would even let him fight Leviathan. 

That was for another time, though. For now he just needed to concentrate on this fight. Kat was already not an easy opponent to go against, especially half-heartedly. Adding magic and an Eikon to the mix would cost him severely. Plus, he wouldn’t dare half-ass a sparring match with his favorite friend.

Kat chuckled lightly at his comment as she unwound her tail from around him which she had unconsciously wrapped around him during their hug. While constantly hiding her identity and keeping a low profile was anything but fun, the life she made with Clive's group has been anything but boring. Her ear fins twitched at his question and she couldn't help but grin in embarrassment, carefully scratching her scaled cheek with a sharp nail.

"Yeah... We're still trying to figure out how that came to be but somehow I'm Leviathan's dominant..." She wished she could tell him more but he knew just about as much as she knew at the moment. Finding records on a lost eikon is like finding a needle in a haystack. The only thing she knew was since Leviathan awoke in her she has had a constant urge to be in the water and it's become difficult to use any type of magic other than water based magic.

At his next question she didn't even try to hold back her laugh as she picked up her lance, using her tail to pick up his and toss it to him.

"You got five years worth of sparring sessions to make up for so you better not hold back. I've got some new tricks I want to try out."

[alexxkresnik]

Although never one to say no to relaxation, Alex begrudgingly let Maru's hands slip out of his own. He would've held onto them for the rest of the night if he'd been allowed, finding comfort in their warmth. He understood that it wasn't practical, though, being so close to bedtime. It had been an emotional day - mostly of his own doing - so rest was best for them. 

Maru had said a bell or two of relaxation before bedtime, but he wasn’t sure if he’d actually make it that long. His adrenaline was starting to crash, the tiredness creeping back in faster than he’d like. If he got up and moved around, he was sure he would be able to stay up a little longer. 

The blanket nest was so tempting, though. He’d gotten a taste of its warmth and comfort earlier. Giving it a few moments of thought, he finally forced himself to get up. Doing a few stretches - enough to make his joints pop and bones crack - he then crawled back into the blanket nest while he waited for Maru. 

A mistake, really, because by the time he heard the door open again, he’d almost fallen asleep again. The sound was enough to jerk him awake, thankfully. He hates how light of a sleeper he is, but he’s grateful in this one moment. Forcing himself to sit up in the nest, he gently rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “Welcome back~”

“What’s on the agenda for the rest of the night? I think I have enough energy in me to do a little more, if need be.” He couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t fall asleep in the middle of anything, but he would at least try.

Maru loved too easily, was his problem. He fell for people at the drop of a hat almost and found it all too easy to get attached. It had probably been inevitable that he fall for Alex and yet he didn't regret it for even a moment, even though for a long time he'd known that Alex would ultimately leave him for his home world.

Sighing softly, the Miqo'te smiled as he accepted the kiss and closed his eyes to bask in the gentle affections. It was nice to receive them. Honestly it was nice to be loved at all and to allow himself to feel it instead of trying to distance himself.

"Then we make the most of the time we have, limited though it may be."

And a light flush of pink darkened the bridge of his nose at the little pronouncement. "Fulfil all of them, hm?" he repeated with a soft, amused huff. "I'll hold you to that."

Raising the hands that held his own so gently, he pressed a kiss of his own to Alex's knuckles and then slid his hands free.

"I think that's enough conversational bombshells for one night though. Let me take the tray back to the kitchen and we can relax for a bell or two more before we get some rest." Better to think that way than linger on the thought of those selfish desires Alex could fulfil for him.

[alexxkresnik]

Alex listened patiently, not wanting to interrupt Maru as he spoke. Watched the way he moved, the position of his ears, how still his tail was. He understood the fear of loving someone so deeply, only for them to disappear forever. Understood why it seemed better to be alone than to put someone through that. The safer, lonelier route. 

Once the other was done speaking, he gently squeezed his hands, hoping to give a little reassurance. 

Then, he let go of one of Maru’s hands. Moving it instead to his cheek. Gently rubbing circles there with his thumb before he finally moved his hand to lift his chin. A soft smile graced his lips. Leaning forward, he gave Maru a gentle, barely there kiss, before leaning back far enough to look at him once more.

“I love you. And I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. But my desire to stay here in Etheirys… isn’t entirely because of you. You’re definitely a part of why I want to stay. But had we not met… had it been another to show me the wonders of this world… I would still want to stay.” Leaning forward again, he gently rested his forehead against Maru’s, hand moving back down to hold the others' still empty one. 

“I would be sad, I would grieve, if I lost you. I won’t deny that. I won’t lie and say I’ll be okay immediately. Life isn’t guaranteed. As someone who’s lived on the battlefield most of his life, I understand that too well. All of the happiness could be gone tomorrow. But I would still want to be in love with you today. Regardless of how much pain the future may hold.” 

A little chuckle escaped him when he heard Maru call himself selfish. “There's nothing wrong with wanting to be selfish. And I think that, out of everyone here, you are the most deserving of selfish desires.” Maru did so much for so many people. For so many nations. “And I would willingly fulfill all of them. For as long as you'll have me.”

Alex had spoken of Dion before, enough for the Miqo'te to know that he shared some similarities with a man he'd probably never meet. But it was interesting to him that of all the people on Etheirys, his companion would manage to find his way to one so similar to a man he'd had to leave behind.

Ultimately though, the life Maru tried to lead was something of a lonely one and if someone wanted to go against his warnings, he wasn't going to try too hard to stop them. Perhaps that was selfish of him but had he not given enough for the world already?

Alex too was a soldier and even without the experience of being around someone of a similar sentiment to Maru, he'd know full well the risks of being involved with someone who saw combat on the regular; who was asked to do more than should reasonably be expected of them.

Shaking his head, Maru's grip tightened for a moment and though there was no panic, he definitely rushed to make himself clear.

"It's not that your feelings aren't reciprocated I just... I don't want to be the reason you want to stay here, and then... not be here anymore... Leaving someone behind with any kind of depth of feeling for me? I don't want to hurt someone like that. I don't want to hurt you."

His ears were still low, lost somewhere in his untidy hair and his tail was still, motionless behind him. Where Alex seemed happier with the weight off his shoulders and his feelings out in the open, Maru yet seemed burdened and the attempt at levity didn't ease it. Yet.

"The feelings are already there though, aren't they," he observed, looking down at their joined hands, even if their grip had relaxed. "So even if tried to keep you from getting attached, it's already too late." He grinned wryly. "As long as you know the dangers I'm going to let things run their course, come what may. This may not come as a surprise to you but I'm a little tired of giving up the things I want, in the name of protecting the world. And that is selfish."

[alexxkresnik]

Alex couldn’t help the little smile that formed on his lips once Maru was done speaking. It was reassuring to know that, even if he was being selfish, the other wouldn’t think badly of him. It had been hard, getting used to the way Etheirys was so different from Valisthea. But he wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. 

The last part of Maru’s words didn’t make his smile falter, despite their nature. He’d expected a similar response. Maru was very much to Etheirys what Prince Dion was to Sanbreque. Someone he shouldn’t fall in love with. Too kind, despite the weight on their shoulders and the burden of responsibility they carried. 

Another gentle squeeze of the hands in his own. “Bad ideas are kind of my forte. It’s not the first time I’ve fallen for someone I shouldn’t.”

He was a soldier. Dying was always in the cards, right from the moment he joined the Dragoons. Well, even before that. He wasn’t optimistic enough to believe he would live to old age. Not pessimistic enough to think tomorrow would be his last; for now, at least. He was perfectly content if his end came on the battlefield. Which wouldn’t be fair to a significant other.

“Soldiers shouldn’t fall in love, I know. Any day could be our last and then we’d just be leaving behind a wound that doesn’t always mend. Sometimes it festers until it breaks a person.” He pauses for a moment, making sure his emotions are in check. “Don’t worry. I don't expect my feelings to be returned. If it’s easier, you can forget the conversation even happened. I just… needed to get it off my chest. As selfish as that is.”

His grip on Maru’s hands loosen, but he doesn’t quite let them go just yet. If the other wished to pull away, he could. Alex just… wasn’t ready to yet. They were comforting, even if the mood was off. 

“I won’t say no to a casual affair, though. Even without the feelings involved, you are my type," very much so, "and I'm not one to turn down a good time." He was good at compartmentalizing his feelings. And if there was truly no hope in the future, he would learn to let them go.

Maru was thoroughly enjoying the flirting. It was nice and easy, the back-and-forth didn't have to mean anything and it kept the atmosphere lighthearted. He'd fully expected that flirting to continue, perhaps even to progress beyond flirting when the tray was pushed aside (even if they probably shouldn't go too far so soon after eating) given Alex's seeming interest in that exercise.

What he wasn't expecting was for the softer taking of his hands and then the moment of silence. The Miqo'te's ears began to lower as he began to understand that further flirting wasn't on the docket and they disappeared into his hair when he came to understand the seriousness of the conversation they were about to have.

He peered down at their joined hands and sighed softly. Despite it being a conversation that was (perhaps) inevitable, it was one he didn't really feel ready for.

"I wouldn't think less of you at all," the feline replied firmly. "You've been here a while now and given our lack of progress in finding a way home for you, I think it's only natural to consider trying to make a life for yourself here."

He smiled then, just a little. Making Alex fall in love with Etheirys hadn't been his intent; he'd wanted to make the man more comfortable, that was all, and share some of the things that made him happy. It was incredible to think that Alex didn't want to leave anymore. At least not without it being his choice. Probably best not to worry about what might happen if they were finally able to find a way home for him.

Idly stroking his thumb across the back of Alex's fingers, the feline's tail gave flick behind him. "I don't think it's selfish to want to make a life for yourself here. It's not selfish to want something for yourself when everything was taken from you before. I'm glad that Etheirys can be something you want."

And so far he'd not really focused on the thought of Alex loving him. He wasn't sure what to say to that, truthfully. He felt like a hypocrite loving as freely as he did but denying anyone loving him. His smile turned sad.

"I don't think you should love me though, Alex. You know what I am, you know the responsibilities that I have. Loving me is a bad idea." Keep it casual, that was what he tried to do. That way, if something ever happened with Griever or his responsibilities eventually saw him returning to the aetherial sea, it'd hurt them less...

[alexxkresnik]

There was a lot on Alex’s mind as he ate; so much so, that he almost missed what Maru was saying. If he wouldn’t have gotten that nap in earlier, he would’ve been a flustered mess once more. “I don’t think I’ll have any trouble falling asleep later. I’m still pretty tired as is. But I’d never say no to a bit of… exercise with you before bed.” 

Despite being tired - still - he had mostly returned to his usual self now. Able to handle the flirting and suggestive tones in stride. Enjoying them and the feeling they brought with them. He didn’t feel as guilty for having these types of feelings. For wanting these feelings. Ever thankful would he be to Maru for dragging him out of his room earlier. 

Once he was finished - and it seemed like Maru was finished as well - he moved the tray to the side and then scooted closer to him. As flirty and carefree as he wanted the mood to continue being, he knew he needed to get a few things off his chest. 

Hesitating for only a moment, he then finally reached out and took the others' hands in his own. Just held them for now, wanting to memorize the feeling. The warmth. The way they fit perfectly into his own. Quiet, barely breathing, just soaking in the moment. Time seemed to stand still and he only wished that could be true. Just the two of them, safe and content and free of their burdens, even if only for a moment. 

It couldn’t last forever, unfortunately. Despite how young the night still was, there was much he wanted to say. 

“Would you… would you think less of me if I wanted to stay? Not in your room… although I wouldn’t say no to the prospect of staying here. But… if I wanted to stay here. On Etheirys.” A pause as he struggled to keep his composer. 

“I know I’ve asked a lot of you and your companions. You’ve all tried so hard to find a way home for me. I… I know I don’t belong here.” Another pause as he tried to blink the beginning of tears away. He’d already cried in front of Maru once today. Twice would be a little ridiculous of him. 

“But I want to. I want to be able to call this home. I’m still worried about Valisthea. About the Dragoons. About Prince Dion. I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about them. But the thought of going back scares me. Not because I hated it there. But…” He was struggling to articulate his feelings properly. 

“I’ve grown to love so much of Etheirys. The places you’ve shown me. The people I’ve met… You.” A gentle squeeze of the hands still held in his own. “As much as I miss my own world… I don’t want to lose this. To lose you. Every day I’m scared to wake up and find myself anywhere but here.”  He felt bad, bringing the mood down like this. But he knew he would spiral again eventually if he didn’t come clean with his feelings.

“Is that… too selfish of me?”

A lesser man might have spluttered when Alex replied with a comment like that and the grin the Miqo'te seemed to be perpetually wearing only widened into something akin to predatory. Oh he could definitely contribute towards filling his companion's stomach, provided Alex swallowed and didn't spit...

But Maru held his tongue on that particular comment and let that opportunity pass. "I am pretty sweet though. I don't mind you having a taste. Dinner before dessert though," he replied instead, flashing a smile that showed fangs. He hadn't forgotten about the tease before Alex had taken his nap but he wasn't going to remind him, rather he'd allow his companion a reprieve if he didn't want to bring it up.

He waved off the thanks and settled in to eat the simple fare before them, enjoying Alex's company in the process. Even in the quiet it was nice to just know that someone else was there. The soft sound of Alex's breathing had caught his ear during his meditation too and he had to admit that it was a nice change from the solitude he usually thought was best.

Perhaps with company his regular nightmares would leave him be for a change.

Despite being a little hungry himself he found himself eating the meats mostly, and then pushing the rest around while he stole glances at his companion.

"So we'll eat and then we've a few bells to kill before we should- or rather I should get some rest. I don't know how much you'll want to sleep after napping earlier, but I'm sure I can find a way to wear you out enough to sleep if needs be~"

[alexxkresnik]

Alex had thought himself safe under the warmth and comfort of the blanket. He was already flustered enough at the thought of having to tell Maru about what more he wanted from him; he wanted so much more, despite how selfish it was. Having Maru speaking right next to his ear, though… Oh Great Greagor. 

Thankfully he was still exhausted, so despite how hot and bothered he was feeling now, he still managed to fall asleep quickly once Maru went off to meditate. And stay asleep, not moving an inch the entire time. It was the first time he’d slept so soundly and peacefully since he’d landed in Etheirys. 

So soundly, in fact, that he’d barely heard the door open and close the first time. Normally he would have woken up immediately. He was a light sleeper, the slightest sound or movement rousing him from slumber. It was a habit he’d gained after living on the battlefield for so long. If he didn’t react, he’d be long dead. 

Today, though, it took him a few minutes to finally awaken; a few more minutes to finally emerge from his blanket. Bleary eyed and fuzzy headed, it took him a bit to remember where he was. Maru’s room. The nest of blankets. He was almost tempted to lay back down and continue sleeping; he’d never slept this well, even back in Valisthea. 

His stomach was rumbling after so many skipped meals, though, so he decided against it for now. He vaguely remembered his and Maru’s conversation from before his nap. Remembered the promise of a meal after meditation, so staying up was his best option right now. 

Once the door opened again, he perked up a bit. Woke up more. Maru's voice was music to his ears; even if his words made him blush a little. The nap had made him feel so much better, though, so he decided to be a little flirty in return. "A snack indeed. If only you could fill my stomach the way it requires right now."

Finally forcing himself out of the warm nest of blankets, he stretched a bit before making his way over to where Maru and the tray of food were. After thanking him - for the food and the nap - he finally started to dig in, not having realized just how hungry he was. He was ready to be full and then get to relax with Maru for the rest of the night.

Nodding his agreement to the request to be woken, the Miqo'te finished packing up the Triple Triad materials and settled on the floor for meditation with an ear still turned towards Alex to track the conversation. He was glad he did when his companion showed interest in continued companionship going forward.

And then words he really liked the sound of. A grin began to spread across the feline's lips. "Oh, is that right~," he lilted teasingly, "You'll have to tell me what more you'd like, so I can see about giving it to you..."

Grin widening, he looked over at Alex only to find that he'd turned his back. Showing fangs, he unfolded some and crept closer to the nest with the silent grace expected of someone of the feline persuasion.

"Rest well~" he purred right beside one of Alex's ears, his amusement humming just below the surface of the words, "Sweet dreams~".

Well now... That had certainly given him food for thought.

After slinking back to his spot to meditate, he found himself looking back over at Alex and feeling the tug of a desire to join him in napping. Maru did so enjoy napping. But he'd committed to meditating for the time being, so he strengthened his resolve and allowed Alex to nap undisturbed.

He meditated for short of two bells before leaving the room to fetch something for them both to eat and returned with a tray bearing some cold cuts of meat and breads, some fruit and two bowls of lightly steaming broth with spoons. Not too filling but not too heavy of a meal at the end of the day either.

After letting himself in, he cast his gaze towards the nest to see if Alex was awake or not. "As much of a snack as I happen to be, I've fetched something you can actually eat," he called, wearing another impish grin as he closed the door behind himself with his hip and settled back on the floor with the tray.

[alexxkresnik]

Once he got the go ahead, Alex made his way over to the nest of blankets and made himself comfortable. He also made sure to leave enough room for Maru, just in case he did end up sleeping through the rest of the day and night. He didn’t want to, but the nest of blankets looked too inviting for him to promise anything. Especially with how warm he was getting already.

It was honestly relieving to hear Maru say he didn’t mind if he stayed the night as well. Mostly because he quite liked it here; it also meant he hadn’t wasted another whole day holed up in his room. Even if most would consider taking a nap as wasting the day away, he was just thankful there was still day left to waste. 

The grin and wink he got made him feel a little hot under his collar, but thankfully not enough to show. That was another issue he would need to deal with. His feelings for Maru. They were both affectionate people, he’d noticed, which made it hard to differentiate if it was platonic or if he was flirting. He’d gotten a lot of comments from the other dragoons about the same issue back home. Now he understood how they felt. 

“I’ll try not to disturb you, but if it’s urgent I won’t hesitate. Although… If I'm asleep too long, please wake me. A warm meal would do me more wonders than a long stretch of sleep. And I’d like to spend more time with you… if you’re not opposed.” He could always go back to sleep later. Especially if he was allowed to curl up in the nest of blankets again.

“And being your pillow… or more… wouldn’t bother me as long as it’s you...” 

He’d tried to say it with confidence. As much as he could muster without getting too nervous or embarrassed; he could still feel his cheeks starting to get hot, though. “I, um… n-nevermind. Enjoy your meditation.”

Still slightly embarrassed, he flipped over onto his side, facing away from Maru. Mostly so he could drag his chosen blanket up over his face and hide. And avoid seeing his reaction. That was something future Alex could deal with after a good nap. Especially if rejection was in his future.

Each time the Miqo'te presented a choice to Alex, he waited patiently for an answer, seemingly unbothered by how long it took for the man to make a decision. The only issue he had with it really was the fact that he didn't know without being told, whether or not Alex preferred or wanted the decision made for him sometimes.

When the answer came though, he seemed pleased. A gentle nod to agree with the choice and he shrugged. "I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't okay with it.

"Nap away. It won't disturb my meditation. You're welcome to stay the night later too if you want, so long as you don't mind being a pillow," he offered with a grin and a wink, hoping that he wasn't being too forward. With anyone from Etheirys, he wouldn't have been hesitant in the slightest given his flirtatious and direct nature, but Alex wasn't from there and the feline had no idea how amenable he might be to the idea of having fun in that manner as a distraction, especially while they were in pursuit of a way home for him.

So gentle the Miqo'te continued to be, even with his affections.

"I won't meditate for too long and I'll have an evening meal ready for when you wake from you nap. You can have the rest of the evening to yourself after that if you like or I'm sure I can find something else to keep us entertained."

And if Alex fell asleep properly in the meantime, then so be it. Maru would just squidge into the nest with him when he was ready, should it come to that.

So he began packing away the cards and the playing mat so that they were out of the way and then settled into a space on the floor, close to the pile of blankets and whatnot, but not too close.

"Let me know if you need anything in the meantime. And don't worry if you disturb the meditation, it's not a big deal okay?"

[alexxkresnik]

Maru was right; he was tired. Alex had been tired before, but he thought he’d managed to overcome it with how much fun he was having. How much excitement had been coursing through his veins. Now that he was settled, though, the energy was quickly dissipating. 

The thought of going back to his own room made him feel uneasy. It held so many bad thoughts and negative emotions. If he went back there now, he’d just end up depressed again. As irrational as it seemed, he knew he couldn’t trust himself to stay in high spirits by himself at the moment. Not when he’d spent the past few days wallowing in his own self misery. 

He knew he needed to answer Maru, to tell him what he wanted to do. But he was hesitating again. Seemed to be doing that a lot lately. The choices were simple, though. Go back to his room and continue to suffer and ruin his health. Or stay here with Maru, feel comfortable, safe, warm. Like he belonged.

The choice was obvious, so he decided to be selfish. This was what he wanted, and he needed to stop trying to sabotage himself. He’d feel better in the long run, anyways. “I’d prefer to stay… if you’re fine with me invading your space for longer. And the linens don’t bother me. I’ve slept in worse accommodations.” Honestly, as long as he had a warm blanket, he would be fine anywhere in the room. 

“Although… I do tend to snuggle up to people in my sleep, so I can always huddle up in one of the corners if need be. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable if you’d rather not have someone clinging to you when you eventually retire to bed. Especially since I’m invading so much of your space already…”

He didn’t think Maru would mind, considering how much affection he’d gotten away with already today. But he felt it appropriate to warn the man, at least. Let him know what he was getting himself into so he could back out if he wanted to. The room was already ten times warmer and cozier than his own, so he could fall asleep in the corner if needed.

“If it won’t bother your meditation, though, I might try to nap for a bit.” Just a bit, he told himself. He was tired and a nap would definitely help. But he didn’t want to sleep the rest of the day - or night? He’d lost track of time and days by this point - away if Maru would be up for far longer. He’d feel like a terrible guest. Especially after all the help he’d received.

Maru did indeed go easy on him as he began to teach the basics of playing Triple Triad. It was a very easy game to play but very hard to master and truth be told Maru wasn't all that good at the game either, so while he did beat Alex, it was mostly only because he was used to the game. Despite explaining the many rules there could be, the only rule he imposed on the game was 'Three Open' and that was just so that he could help the man pick which card to play.

What quickly became interesting to him though, was the fact that some of the creatures on his cards matched or were very much akin to the creatures that Alex had seen, which in Maru's mind, lent further evidence to how Alex's Valisthea was on another shard.

He was more than happy to explain who or what was on the cards when Alex began asking, until playing the game kind of devolved into seeing which creatures the dragoon was familiar with and which he wasn't.

Beaming brightly at the apology, Maru shrugged. "It's okay. I enjoy showing you things about my home." It was as if he was helping the man acclimate to his new home, even if it was no such thing. And it seemed as though the change of scenery and the distraction both had done their jobs.

"You look tired though. I'm sure it's been a long day already so... Did you want me to take you back to your room? Or you're welcome to stay here if you like, though I apologise for the linens being on the floor, I uh... I prefer to sleep there than on most beds." He tended to feel smothered, or like he'd be swallowed up by most beds without something firm to lay on, which was ironic given the fact that he almost literally smothered himself in the nests he made.

"I think there's been enough learning for one day anyway. If you want to rest, I can meditate and then go get some food for when you wake."

[alexxkresnik]

Anxiety was starting to bubble up in the pit of his stomach when Maru started pulling him out of his room. It had been days since he’d left it; leaving now felt wrong. Or that’s what Alex was expecting to feel. Surprisingly, the moment he was out of his room, he felt alive again. The shackles of misery he’d placed upon himself no longer had control of him. 

Thankfully it wasn’t hard to keep pace with Maru, and soon enough they arrived at his room. It felt relaxing and cozy. Like a home that he’d been away from for far too long. The blanket pile, especially, caught his eye. He had come to learn how to play Triple Triad, but now he just wanted to wrap a few blankets around himself and doze off. 

Later, he promises himself. 

Later, he would ask Maru if he could snuggle under a few blankets. Just long enough for a quick nap. He was exhausted, but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to fall asleep in his own room again. A quick nap would rest him enough to not be a hindrance on the battlefield. Would do him well enough until he could figure out another place to sleep. 

For now, though, he just followed Maru further into the room, watching as he set everything up. Despite his disappointment that they could no longer hold hands, he was still curious about this game. Fancy looking cards with characters on them; some he recognized, most he didn’t. And numbers. So many numbers. They had card games back home, but none of them looked like this. 

“Go easy on me?” 

Even if he was terrible at this game, it was a good distraction. A good way to keep his mind preoccupied. Especially with all the rules. So many rules. So many things to remember. At one point he stopped playing and just started asking about the characters on the cards. The people whose names and faces he didn’t know. The creatures he’d never seen in his own world. He wanted to learn so much more about Etheirys. 

It takes him a while to realize how far off track they’ve gotten. Well, how far off track he’s gotten them. A flush of embarrassment fills his cheeks. “Sorry… curiosity got the better of me, it seems. Everything just seems so interesting, though.” What little of the game he did manage to play was fun. And he was in much higher spirits now.

It honestly broke his heart a little to see those tears but before he could reach to wipe them away, Alex was doing it himself and so Maru allowed his hands to remain, idly curled at his sides the way Miqo'te were wont to do. It was an effort, admittedly, to keep them at his sides when Alex was close enough to wrap within his arms and the feline had ever been a tactile one. He knew his boundaries though.

Boundaries that he was definitely going to be disregarding if his companion continued to give him indications that touching was okay. He lit up when his hand was taken, and that Alex trusted him enough to be so vulnerable with him.

"I'm seriously offering," he replied with a firm little nod, eager not only to get Alex out the funk he was wallowing in, hidden in his room, as well as to just spend time with the man. He liked him.

"Meditation's not for everyone," he conceded, and most people would probably not think him capable of it himself given his exuberance and outgoing nature but exercise and meditation were both things that he could lose himself to for bells upon bells were he afforded such opportunity. "So Triple Triad it is."

Decision made, he used their joined hands to tug Alex towards the door, grinning gently. Despite his limited literacy and numeracy, Triple Triad was one of his favourite passtimes, even if he wasn't very good at it when certain rules were invoked and he would prove to be a reasonably good teacher of the card game.

The Miqo'te didn't let go of Alex's hand until they were safely ensconced in the feline's quarters, simple, comfortable as they were. They didn't look like something Maru would have chosen himself but the blanket pile on the floor was definitely the feline's touch and it was on the floor that he laid out a worn and well-used Triple Triad board painstakingly drawn out on cloth that it could be rolled and unrolled when necessary.

He'd even go get them some food later too - never one to send for someone else to do something he could do himself, despite his supposed 'status'. Perhaps once they'd eaten he'd gauge Alex's interest in spending the night...

[alexxkresnik]

Lost in his own thoughts, it took Alex a moment to notice that Clive had scooted over in the bed. It took him a moment longer to realize what he was doing and why. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it, though, so he didn’t say a word once he noticed. A soft smile graced his lips as he started kicking his boots off. Nobody would be coming in anytime soon, so he didn’t have to worry about anyone complaining about it later. 

Once comfortable, he then flopped down on the bed beside Clive and let himself relax. He wasn’t sure how long he would be here - or if Clive would actually fall asleep - so he wanted to make sure he was in the best position to not be moving for the next couple of hours. Even just being able to lay down and relax would help improve Clive's condition, sleep or no. And if he could at least relax enough to feel better, then Alex would count that as a job well done.

“I’m ready when you are. Just make yourself comfortable.”

Thankfully he was pretty tired himself, so he knew his heartbeat would be a steady, comforting rhythm for Clive. Something he could fall asleep to, if he wanted to. Whether or not he would was up to him, but Alex would be here nonetheless. Maybe even fall asleep himself.

Clive's worry of pushing boundaries is a direct result of how he was treated as a child after Joshua was born and chosen by the Phoenix. Any kind of physical affection the young boy wanted from his mother was bluntly denied and he was treated as an annoyance, internalized that maybe hugs and other physical affection was not for him but for those more important -- More deserving like his little brother. None of that was Joshua's fault of course, Clive never found it in his heart to resent him, not after his baby brother held his finger.

Still, such hurtful thoughts are hard to be rid of. So a part of Clive felt that he was undeserving of such treatment, to be comforted or held, he needed to atone for... something... Maybe just existing. Surely that was it. He needed to earn his love, and in turn loving gestures (platonic or otherwise), through his actions. Love is conditional... isn't it? When Alexx's words directly contradict his world view it leaves him in a brief state of confusion, everyone deserves comfort. If that were true then... Why was it so hard to get any kind of comfort from his mother after the age of five? His father was busy, often away on royal business, so he couldn't always turn to him when his mother fell emotionally short.

The outlaw didn't answer the question to needing anything from the Tub & Crown, he still had a chalice of water that sit stagnant on his bedside table. After a few moments of silence, Clive carefully shuffles over in the bed to make space for the Cursebreaker; he felt so tired and sick, on top of his grief over Cid's death, he just needed some sort of escape and if Alexx's heartbeat could grant it then why not?

He didn't say anything but hoped that the other noticed the extra space made on the bed.

[alexxkresnik]

As much as he dared not hope for a happy ending between them, Alex couldn’t help but feel relieved the minute Maru stepped near him again. It was instantaneous. Like everything was right in the world again. He felt like he could breathe. Like the weight of both worlds weren’t crushing him. Duty and obligation were stripped from his being, leaving him as Alex. Not a dragoon. Not a stranger in another world. Just himself. 

It had been a long time since he’d last felt this way. 

He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help taking a step forward. Leaving them close again. Close enough to pull Maru back into a hug. As tempting as it was, he forced himself not to. He hadn’t been pushed away before, but he was still scared. Scared to put his feelings out onto the table, just to be yanked away again. 

He takes a shaky breath, finding comfort in Maru’s words. It’s nice to know that the other cares so much about his well being. That no matter what he thinks of himself, Maru will at least be here for him. Willing to offer what comfort he can. It reignites the spark of hope inside himself that he’d thought was gone. 

He wants to thank him again; tell him that his presence alone is the most comforting thing to him right now. And he tries to, until he feels the tears silently trickling from his eyes. It takes him a moment to even register that they’re his own. “Sorry…” it’s a whisper, followed by more quiet apologies as he tries to quickly wipe the tears away. 

Thankfully the tears don’t last long and he’s able to pull himself together again. He doesn’t want to be alone, though, so he’s thankful when Maru offers for him to join him in his own room. Hesitation stops him for a moment, but he eventually fights through it and reaches out to take Maru’s hand in his own. 

“I… I don’t want to be alone, Maru…” 

It’s not something he’s ever wanted to admit out loud. How scared he is of being alone. But he feels safe with Maru. Knows the other isn’t going to ridicule or think less of him for his fears. A gentle squeeze of his hand before he continues, “so if you’re seriously offering, I’d like to come along.” A change of scenery would be nice. Especially if Maru was going to be there.

As sad and lonely as he’d been feeling up until this point, the thought of him attempting meditation makes him laugh. A quiet, genuine laugh, one that finally brings a smile to his face. “I don’t think I can sit still long enough for meditation, but… I’m willing to try Triple Triad.” He still hasn’t let Maru’s hand go; doesn’t plan to, unless he pulls away first. He’s finally feeling like his normal self again and he doesn’t want to ruin it yet.

The hug was unexpected but not unwelcome and the Miqo'te wrapped himself around Alex in return, down to the very tip of his tail curled around one of the man's legs. Despite the fact that Maru wasn't very good at reading body language, the hug and the man's absence of late were quite clear indicators that something was wrong.

The cause was obvious, after all, Alex was a long way from home and despite their best efforts they'd been unable to find a way back for him which meant that he was stranded in a land that wasn't his own. Maru himself was no stranger to the feelings of isolation but it wouldn't be the same as what his companion was experiencing.

So Maru just held on for as long as Alex wanted to be close to him and when he stepped back, despite the urge to follow, the Miqo'te remained where he was.

"I'm glad," he replied, tail flicking back behind him, though he didn't sound entirely convinced that he'd done all that much. Perhaps Alex did feel better now, but how long would it last? How long before the next disappointment had him sinking back down again?

Without realising he'd done so, he took that step closer.

"The others may have sent me, but I'm worried about you," he admitted, ears tucked back a little. He missed the warmth of the hug already. "I want you to know that you can come to me, okay? Even if it's just for company. And no matter how long it takes, I'll find you a way home." Even if it meant losing someone he'd come to care about a great deal.

"Please, don't lose hope. And I'll continue to try to make your stay here as comfortable as possible."

The temptation was there to perhaps see if Alex would be interested in staying. In looking ahead at a life on Etheirys instead of back at the life he'd had to leave behind but that would be presumptuous and he didn't want to belittle the feelings Alex had for the people back home. So the Miqo'te held his tongue and instead tried to focus on the things he could definitely offer.

"Speaking of comfort, you've been shut up in these same four walls for days. How about you join me in my quarters for a change of scenery? You can join me in meditation, or perhaps I can teach you to play Triple Triad. I have a wealth of cards you can borrow."

[alexxkresnik]

ooc//

Gonna do a quick shiny hunt stream before coming back (to one of my blogs lmao I haven't decided which yet) to do some stuff and things!

[alexxkresnik]

"And what are we up to?"

Oh shit.

A quick tug at the hem of his shirt to make sure nothing is visible. Alex’s heart is pounding, feeling like it might bust out of his chest. He’s trying to calm down quickly because he knows the panic in his voice will have him found out in no time. A deep breath, making sure to act as normally as possible.

“Nothing at all, Sir Terence. Everything is as usual today.”

The pain in his abdomen is making him nauseous, but he’s not going to show it. Not in front of Terence, at least. Any other dragoon could be bribed just enough to keep their mouths shut. Just like the physikers. But not Terence. He’s tried to. Once. Never again would he make that mistake. 

He’s biting the inside of his cheek now, hoping that will distract from the pain. It’ll be over soon. Someone, somewhere, will need Terence and then he’ll be alone again. Alone, and able to properly treat the wound from earlier. Why bother a physiker when he can just do it himself? They had more important things to take care of.

A trickle of blood is sliding down his stomach. Thankfully he’s still got the hem of his shirt in between his fingers, tugging it just far enough away from his skin. The last thing he needs is for blood to start showing through his shirt. He can’t let Terence see that. He’d never see the outside of this tent again; he’s being overly dramatic, but being ordered to bed rest is not something he wants to deal with.

“Was there… anything you needed me for?”

He’s hesitating. He doesn’t want to give Terence more of an excuse to stay longer. Doesn’t want to end up agreeing to something that’s going to agitate his wound more. But he has to ask. It would be too out of character if he didn’t. And he knew that anything out of character would give him away immediately.