alovewithoutavoice-blog

[alovewithoutavoice-blog]

7th day

First of all, I finally broke the chain! But that's because I was too tired and I didnt manage to read the few messages he sent before he slept. If not, I would have cried again. I hate that I'm sensitive to changes in his texting. From speed to content to i dont know what else is there. Sounds like an overly attached person but hey, I'm just ranting it here and not intending to complain in case it gives him stress.

Even though I was tired, I made effort to game with him to delete any awkwardness that may have built up these days. I heard his laughter over discord and there I thought, mission accomplished. I hoped the session helped him destress as well. Yea, but I wasn't well and he doesnt need to know i guess. How can I still open up my heart to him? I thought he could handle the jealous me. But he said those comparison questions stressed him out abit. If i know being myself, showing him how jealous or affected I am, will stress him out, what makes you think I will continue doing it?

After the session, I waited for his text(because he was the one who didnt reply, not because I'm trying to act high and mighty) and call, both of which never came, so I thought I couldnt wait, and I dropped him a text first. And I dozed off and I remembered the last thought I had was "please call.".

I woke up, took a look at his messages which were really, really.. I dont even know how to describe. It feels like thats the way he texts her - replies that are befitting for texting buddies. Hah, comparing again arent I? Told you I needed time and since all these are so toxic to him, I will just keep the toxicity within me. I should really stop expecting things from him now that school has started, he will have all sorts of reasons and I will just provide the chances for disappointment to set in if I have high expectations from him. Just like when I woke up to see that he didnt call.

So, I should take everything as he gives. And count my blessings, like hey, at least he replies. :)

Looks like I'm making progress, *proceeds to give myself a pat on the head*.

On a side note, my body is breaking apart. I'm having sore throat and feeling feverish. I hope it doesnt worsen. I still gotta work. Maybe I should just sleep early tonight and force myself to not expect, which will totally fail. But its alright, I will pick myself up from the disappointment the next day.

He said it will be hard for him if i were to leave, but arent we all humans? He will eventually get used to life without me right? Just the thought of him getting used to life without me is making me teary eyed. Because right now, i dont know what to do to keep the conversation going. Im scared it will die. Then we will stop texting altogether. I dont want to lose you just like how any other friend that comes.. and goes. Someone please tell me what to do.

I miss you, you are so near yet so far. I want to tell you so many things yet I'm afraid. When you told me it stressed you, my confidence, which was already low, became negative. I dont know what I can say or I cant say. I cant find the courage to be myself. The fucking annoying me. Havent you realize? We are running out of things to say. Or isit just me who doesnt know what to say? Where am I? I think I'm lost. And lonely.

All these were thought out and written this morning. Whatever happened after 915am today, were just too much for me to pen all of them down. I experienced all sorts of emotions in one day. And he says he is tired. Nice. So i'm energetic? I know I was the one who chose my actions and cant blame anyone. But if not for you being so important in my life, I need to be this way or not. Lmfao. Its okay, you tired. I care for you. I need be in your shoes. And I will do just that. Can i just fucking stop thinking already.

[alovewithoutavoice-blog]

Sixth day

The reason why I kept comparing, wasnt to trigger him or to provoke him. It was to let him know how insecure I am. How inferior I felt, how much I needed him to help me restore my confidence. When asked, he finally mentioned that the comparing is making him stressed. It is not unexpected really, i know whatever I say or do in a state of jealousy will surely stress him out. Therefore, I shall be more openminded. Nope not change myself, I'm still me. Just doing extra to let us both breathe. Really thankful he finally admitted it. That was the drive I lacked to go full yolo mode. I now have the force to just be free. Otherwise, it may backfire and one day he may say things like, she is so much more understanding and wont give me this much unnecessary stress. She trusts me more than you do. I dont want that to happen, so Im going to prove it to him that I can be understanding and I will trust him despite all these insecurities and inferior shitz. Not that I want to win, but because I really want to show that I meant what I said. That was last night.

So much for breaking the chain of tears as I cried the hardest last night. I woke up with swollen eyes as usual and it's so bad today I can barely open up my eyes, plus I only had approximately four hours of sleep. I think i will just collapse on my bed as soon as I'm done with dinner and shower tonight. Or at least that was what I thought. I figured that I should probably game with him tonight to quicken the pace of recovery. To make everything go back to before, and if things dont go well, then maybe even to before we met. And i also want to know how much my body can actually take.

It really hurts to open these eyes and I'm seriously wondering how to work later. The heartache is still there, but I'm not thinking much anymore. Is that a good or a bad sign? I dont know at all. The fact that comparison stresses him out, makes me feel more inferior, like as if she is better but was forced to say I am instead.

Yeah, I should trust that he meant what he said although it stresses him out. Perhaps the answers are still true though it was tough to say out those answers. Wait, that's contradicting isnt it? If it's true, why would it be tough to answer. Oh god, I really dont know anymore.

I'm feeling empty enough, enough to stop thinking because even if I were to continue, I would still reach the same conclusion, she is someone in his life, and I will start feeling inferior and compare and think that she is better in every aspect again. Then I cant tell him about it because it would stress him out. It would then slowly kill me. How can I take care of him or be there for him or care for him if I'm dead. Accepting and not thinking is the best solution to this turmoil. Sure it wont be easy to not think. Slowly but surely.

And againnnnn, thats what i thought it would be, in the morning. When I came home from work, everything came back. The thoughts and feelings and all the what ifs. I stood under the running hot water in the shower. Thinking and thinking of stuffs that would ever happen but wished would. Thinking of new guesses and inferences that hurt alot. Before i know it, i was under running water for 30minutes. I came out, feeling numb and stinging sensation on my hands thighs and feet. And I look like i got sunburnt. Yea, they were pretty much burnt. For once, i feel hot. HAHAHA.

Sorry I couldnt tell you I was crying because im afraid it will stress you further. There goes my hope of breaking the chain of crying. Consecutive 5th night. Even though I'm still feeling inferior with doubts in your comparison answers, but I wont let it affect you anymore. Whether they were true or not, no longer matters. I will free you from the stress I've been giving you. I love you.

[alovewithoutavoice-blog]

Fifth day.

I woke up feeling completely weak from the lack of sleep and lack of motivation, as though I'm a living dead. I dragged myself to get changed and prepared for work and when I looked into the mirror, I saw a broken me.

Looks like it isn't today yet, well obviously. If it was so easy to get over, I wouldn't have been crying over and over again. It was cold, so I put on my jacket, which only warmed my body but not my soul.

It isnt like i love to be sad, hate it. I would rather be optimistic and stay strong as a pillar of support for my loved ones but damn, I dont know why I stay crumbled for this long. The sky looked grey, or maybe it's just my vision - I cant see any colors anymore.

I walked past the toilet and once again saw myself in the mirror. "I look so omg retarded and nerdy, yuck.", I thought. But nobody is going to care or notice me anyway. That reminded me of a thought I had yesterday. I was actually bothered by how I looked when he came over. In other words, I wanted to look decent for him. Yes I wanted to look like I was out in my own home. Since when I couldnt show him the "ugly" side of me, since when I felt uncomfortable being myself in front of him? What exactly is wrong with me?

Then it struck me. Inferiority - that is the word. I lost the confidence that i will always be important to him. I subconsciously started comparing both the x and myself. I suppose she is prettier and like what his friend said, she has a heart of gold. So she is kind and forgiving, while I'm just a selfish, demanding and unreasonable person with strabismus. Perhaps she can really give him better quality of care.

Of course I'm not going to just drop everything and go, I do care about him and a lot at that. I'll just be right where I am, always there for him. And he can have the freedom to roam around, and I will just watch his back from afar. Sounds so benevolent but actually it isn't because deep down inside my heart, i just wished he will stop texting x. But then again, if she is his source of happiness, then I wouldnt be that heartless to wish for him to let her go. As if I would bear to do that. So I can only bite down and press on.

With that, I headed off to work. As I was about to receive my change for a bottle of mineral water, I thought I said thank you to the cashier but I didnt. The words didnt quite come out from my mouth, as though I really lost my voice. It isnt because I was using earpiece and couldnt hear. I couldnt feel the vibrations from speaking. I'm really broken. Someone please fix me.

Just as I thought the day cant get any worse, things happened at work today, messed up a couple of times and what's worse? Account short of 20 bucks. Colleague and I had to split 10 each to fork out of our own pocket to make up for it. But if we look through all the files tomorrow and find out its my mistake, then of course, 20 bucks from me and only me. Motivation gone. Happiness gone. Money gone as well.

Heading home with a heavy heart, with absolutely nothing to look forward to...

I can no longer use that game to cheer me up after a long day of work. Instead, all i have left in front of me, is a mirror. To let me evaluate myself and to improve to be a better person. For him.

I think you didnt even realize, I stopped logging in. I've been trying to be normal, I still am trying so damn fcking hard.

[alovewithoutavoice-blog]

First post of this tumblr

It has been four days ever since the news broke, and frankly speaking, i have not been coping very well with it. It is just roller coaster rides of emotions and then rinse and repeat.

I keep asking myself, "Why are you so bothered by it? You got no rights to demand anything so why are you even affected?". Maybe because it's the x we are talking about here. And not just an average friend or potential girlf to be. Or maybe it is all due to a bad hunch. Four days and I have yet to find the answers to those questions.

I saw myself turn ugly and cold, threw tantrums, and found myself expecting much more attention, so much so that I didnt want his to be divided. Yes all for me. That was when I realized, I'm acting so unreasonably towards him, who did not deserve any of my actions done so far.

But who said that I could control these feelings of what seemed like jealousy? It isnt like I didnt try at all. I did. I tried and thought positively for awhile until the overpowering negativity took over. It isnt difficult to think positively but it takes significant amount of effort, faith and courage to believe in such positivity - that I'm not going to be replaced or neglected. I saw his efforts to reassure me, to make me feel better. I never took any of them for granted but what was I supposed to do if the fear is too overwhelming until it clouds my vision and obstructs my thinking.

I thought about it for some time and finally decided that I should just confine myself, away from him. No not physically per se but mentally. I have to keep all the negativity to myself and pen down such thoughts right here. This way I wouldnt inflict too much stress onto him and he can stay happy. After all his happiness is truly all that matters.

The word stress was used simply because it's really hard to deal with someone who is easily jealous and overthinks a lot. My insecurities can easily drown both him and myself. Hence I would rather "die" alone.

The road ahead wont be an easy one but for the sake of his happiness, it is a road that I have to walk down, even if I ended up in pieces. I will pen down my progress on a daily basis and I really hope the day that I will stop being jealous over x will come real soon. Also, I do hope that in this world, the amount of jealousy doesn't correlate with the amount of care/love. If not, it will mean that I have to sacrifice some care I have for him in order to keep him by my side because I definitely wouldnt want him to view me as a toxic person to have in his life.

Alright, it is getting late. May work be smooth tomorrow and may I break the chain of tears too.

Thank you for coming over today. I really appreciated it and i really missed you. The hugs were comforting even though the comfort only lasted a short while. I guess from now on, i will write "i miss you" right here instead of telling you about it because your school is starting and i dont want to have you deal with me and my stupid emotions. Stay happy. I love you. And i'm sorry that i cried again.