am-i-the-asshole-official - Tumblr blog

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

All right, I've had enough bad faith assumptions and demonstrably untrue accusations for one lifetime. Askbox is closed; if you'd like answers about how I run this blog you can refer to the FAQ or any of the posts I've made tonight.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for not wanting my brothers to smoke in a communal space when I'm not around?

🚭

I don't mean to rant, but I'm still sour about the family verdict, my apologies.

I (20sM/NB) don't smoke, and never have, but a lot of my family has/does currently. My brothers, (younger 20sM, older 30sM) were asked by myself and our dad (70sM, doesn't smoke anymore) not to smoke cigarettes in the car.

I've asked because this is a communal space, and I don't want our dad's health to deteriorate. I also don't want mine to, either. We talked about this 3 months ago. During those 3 months, it has come to my attention that this request hasn't been followed at all. I didn't notice because they smoke on the porch, next to the car, and I couldn't tell that was the source. I lost the battle to get them to smoke in the backyard, because my older brother "likes to scowl at the people who pass by on the street" (via, the brother in question).

Of course, when I found out they were still smoking there, I was pissed because this was something we had already talked about, where I thought my voice was at least considered. My dad, not wanting to get into fights with anyone, bypassed telling me specifically to allow the boys to do it. This was also during the school year, meaning I was in the car after they smoked in it for months.

So we come to today. I might be the asshole, because they also have rights to the communal spaces. They would be smoking only when I'm not around. They already smoke on the porch, which I pass through every day. The car is also driving, so the air in the car is "cleared" by the time I get into the car. Since the porch is similar, should this follow the same rules? My dad doesn't want to get into conflict with them, because the car is a communal space, and they have bodily autonomy when I'm not there. So why shouldn't they be able to smoke? Am I being too controlling? Smoking is an addiction that is super hard to quit, so my dad thinks I'm being hostile when they don't have anywhere else they can go to smoke. Additionally, I was far from nice when I found out about the three months they'd smoked in the car without my knowledge and was told "this is why I didn't tell you" by dad.

I think it being "cleared out" still effects me. I didn't want them smoking on the porch. I don't even want to smell smoke when I open the car door. Those are still chemicals I'm breathing in. Isn't it my body that they harm by smoking, not just theirs? I try to be accommodating of their smoking, but it does agitate my throat and sinuses. I often have to endure their smoking habits in my current living situation.

They both have jobs and could get cars outside of using the family car. I'm unable to work because I'm a full time student. Even with a summer job, I wouldnt be able to afford it. I've considered going into the work force to remedy this issue, because the public transport in my area would be way harder to work with. This would mean I wouldn't complete my college by next year. (They can also go to college but don't want to.)

They believe that, if we (me and my dad) kept up on cleaning the car, they wouldn't smoke in it. They have no chores, so I clean almost everything with the exception of my dad cleaning. There's no way in hell they'd clean the car, especially if it means they can't smoke in it. The current family verdict is that majority vote sides with, yes they can smoke in the car.

So, am I the asshole for not wanting my brothers to smoke in a communal space, even when I'm not around?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Hi ! Is there an age limit for this blog ? I'm asking because I got angry anons saying I was underage in my inbox when I interacted last time but I don't think I've ever seen a rule against that here?

Nope! I don't tend to accept posts about little kids because being a bunch of primarily adults passing judgment on children sucks, but I'm not the tumblr police and do not care about the age of people commenting on my blog

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

i legit think people assume this blog is "comfort this person and tell them they're not an asshole" due to the reactions you get when you post an asshole. "why are you posting this asshole" so you can tell them they are one!! yahoooo!!

Yeah, like I've said before: this is a not a platform, it's a dunk tank. I thought a large part of this blog's appeal would be getting to tell thoroughly awful people that they're assholes without having to seek them out yourself! Certainly I get enough complaints when we haven't had a real juicy YTA post in a while. Yet often I get "wow why are you letting this through the queue, don't you know they're a bad person?" Yeah that's the point!! Go get 'em!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

So are you just gonna block every trans woman that ever points out transmisogyny? Cretin.

If you'll notice, the majority of the replies on that post are in fact commenting on the transmisogyny. So like. Demonstrably no.

I literally wrote a post stating my own opinions (spoilers: I agree that that submitter is virulently transmisogynistic!) and stating why people are getting blocked (spoilers: the same reason I've given for blocking people regularly since the start of this blog!).

I'd appreciate if you read a single thing on here before accusing me of things I'm objectively not doing.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for writing a story where someone from 1944 is the main character, with all that entails?

I (M, white) had an idea for a story as of late. I have not written it yet but I plan to.

Basically, the plot (very summarized) is that a French soldier, J, falls through a weak point in time and space. This weak point connects a WWII battlefield in 1944 and a random meadow in Georgia in 2024, outside of Atlanta. He gets found by the other main character, M, and the story is about him teaching J about what life is like 80 yrs later.

In the story, J is a white cis man, and M is a Black/Korean trans man. Throughout the story, J unlearns biases that were put upon him by ignorance, and that includes racist, homophobic, and transphobic beliefs, among others. The point of this was to show that even a person brought directly from a very uneducated time even WITHOUT all the social movements of the 20th century can make the decision to change their ways. He and M even end up together by the end of it, as J realizes that so much of his self loathing came from internalized homophobia.

Anyway, that's the gist of it. Now for the actual conflict.

I have a friend (F, also white) whom I described the story to to get her thoughts on it. She said she was concerned that I was making my transgender character of color get with a racist, transphobic guy by the end. I tried to explain that it was BECAUSE of M that J gets put on the path to change, and that the man at the end is not the same man from the beginning. It got more heated as I tried harder and harder to explain the nuances of the story. I eventually asked her what ending SHE'D prefer, and she said she "would like it better if M beat the shit out of him, or if J got sent back to his own time and got shot."

I replied that that was a terrible idea, that there was nothing wrong with showing a character growing, and that she sounded super twitterbrained. She called me a nazi apologist and blocked me, and now she's lying to mutual friends and saying that I said that MLK deserved it (????????????). Fortunately none of them believe her after talking to me, so...

I know she's acting insane about the other shit, but it's starting to weigh on me. Should I change J's character so he's from sometime else? Or just scrap the story altogether? WIBTA for continuing it as planned?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

In my humble opinion people need to log off and touch grass

Oh I fully understand why people are upset--it's an upsetting post, I was livid when it hit my inbox. Capslock rants happened. Like, I don't really talk about it because I'm not a person on this blog, but certain posts absolutely get a reaction out of me before y'all even get to see them.

I just could do without the assumptions about my motives, y'know? Especially when paired with misreading what I actually have said on the topic.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would you at least consider tagging that post with transmisogyny as a content warning? I really do understand your perspective here. But I also feel like if you're aware of how transmisogynist the ask is, shouldn't you be aware that trans women seeing it might feel you know.. Pretty upset?

I can do that in this case, but please understand that I do not tag broad concepts like that on this blog as a general rule, because it's not really feasible for a variety of reasons (which I've discussed in the past). A list of tags I do use can be found in my FAQ. If you need tags like that for personal mental health reasons, I don't think this blog would be good for you to engage with.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Exactly

Thank you for your phrasing, that's exactly what I mean by it.

you really dont see any red flags about the "cheese pizza" for child porn thing? that started on 4chan over pizzagate. "good faith" doesnt mean you take an obvious fascist painting a (possibly fake) trans woman as a predator at their word.

That sure is a lot of assumptions that have nothing to do with anything I've said! I don't believe I've expressed any direct opinion of my own (out loud on here--my DMs with friends have been FULL of extremely opinionated commentary on that post, both today and when it originally hit my inbox). That is my normal way on this blog--I don't state my own opinions because I don't matter, it's the comments section that gets to matter.

But since you've asked, just to be clear, I think the submitter of that post is a thoroughly unpleasant person, has slanted that story in every possible way, and is painting a picture that may have very little in common with reality. I think they are a transmisogynist who took someone's actions and read them willfully in the wildest, worst faith way possible. Like the pool thing? I genuinely do not understand how they got from "she wants to throw a pool party for the neighborhood kids" to...whatever the hell they were implying there. I genuinely do not. And overwhelmingly, the comments agree! They are rightfully calling the submitter the asshole. Which is what this blog is here for. The system works!

That is not, and has never been, what I mean by "good faith" on this blog. I have been VERY clear (today even! in so many words!) that you are perfectly welcome to question anyone's portrayal of events. What you're not welcome to do is call the post wholesale fake and bait. As has always been the case.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

you really dont see any red flags about the "cheese pizza" for child porn thing? that started on 4chan over pizzagate. "good faith" doesnt mean you take an obvious fascist painting a (possibly fake) trans woman as a predator at their word.

That sure is a lot of assumptions that have nothing to do with anything I've said! I don't believe I've expressed any direct opinion of my own (out loud on here--my DMs with friends have been FULL of extremely opinionated commentary on that post, both today and when it originally hit my inbox). That is my normal way on this blog--I don't state my own opinions because I don't matter, it's the comments section that gets to matter.

But since you've asked, just to be clear, I think the submitter of that post is a thoroughly unpleasant person, has slanted that story in every possible way, and is painting a picture that may have very little in common with reality. I think they are a transmisogynist who took someone's actions and read them willfully in the wildest, worst faith way possible. Like the pool thing? I genuinely do not understand how they got from "she wants to throw a pool party for the neighborhood kids" to...whatever the hell they were implying there. I genuinely do not. And overwhelmingly, the comments agree! They are rightfully calling the submitter the asshole. Which is what this blog is here for. The system works!

That is not, and has never been, what I mean by "good faith" on this blog. I have been VERY clear (today even! in so many words!) that you are perfectly welcome to question anyone's portrayal of events. What you're not welcome to do is call the post wholesale fake and bait. As has always been the case.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for getting a new cat after mine died?

(Fake names used for all pets)

I had a cat, Baby, who was the sweetest ever. I'm gonna type an essay if I start reminiscing about her, so just know I loved Baby with all my heart. Baby died a few years ago, and naturally I was devastated. It was completely unexpected, she died from a heart attack no one saw coming. She was nine.

A month after she died, I adopted Bagel.

The reasoning I gave for why I adopted Bagel when people ask is because I didn't want our other cat, Belle, to be lonely, and that he needed a home. These were both true, but truthfully I also wanted to fill the void Baby left behind.

I have a blog I run for Bagel where I post silly pictures of him. He's really stupid looking so I send a lot of pictures of him to my friends/family. My friend made a joke saying "I don't think you've ever been more obsessed with a cat than you are with Bagel." Obviously, I needed to defend mine and Baby's honor,o so I reminded them of how I had a blog dedicated to Baby as well! (I tried to make one for Belle but she has issues and is camera shy.)

While defending myself, I said something about how I got Bagel because I missed Baby. My friend got really serious and said that was messed up of me, and that pets aren't replaceable. I know pets aren't replaceable, but honestly I'm not sure if I fully understood that when I was coping with the death of Baby. Either way, I do now. Even if I got Bagel as a placeholder for Baby, I don't think thats an issue? It's not as if Bagel understands, and I had the space for him. Bagel and Belle both get tons of love.

My friend just keeps re-explaining why it's morally wrong to adopt a new pet after one dies, and I keep repeating that I don't think my cats care about my morals/reasoning for adopting them. We are going in circles. So, to get an answer, AITA?

(Side note: Baby died in 2021, and the hurt definitely isn't fresh. I think my friend would totally be the AH if I was still grieving, but nowadays I welcome any conversation about Baby, even if it's about her death. Keep in mind that my friend isn't disrespecting me or my cat with his opinion!)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I were to report my abusive homophobic and fatphobic immigrant parents to ICE once I plan to move out of the country?

My (18f) parents (50ishF & 50ishM) are currently undocumented immigrants. Since I was a child, I've had to put up with their physical and emotional abuse, as well as their homophobic remarks towards myself and others (they are somewhat aware I like girls). To this day, I am still struggling with body image issues due to their remarks on my figure growing up. When I was 16, I told myself that I'd get a job when I'm 18, and save enough to move out. I currently plan to move out of the country in the future for other reasons, such as living costs. When that happens, just a day or two before I'd be out of the country, I plan to report them to ICE, so they can be deported back to their countries. I have no remorse over that, what I'm worried is what would happen to my younger brother (9M). I don't care much about him as a family member (for reasons I'd rather not get into), but I'd feel guilty for taking him away from his parents and placing him in the foster care system. So, WIBTA?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for continuing to try and reach out to my half-sibling, even though my mom "doesn't like it"?

So, I (20F) haven't known my dad, as he left when I was too young to remember it and then he died. I don't actually know much about him, or any relatives I have on that side (as my mom won't tell me much), but I know a few names, and specifically those of my half-siblings. One, who I'm calling S, is apparently my sister. I've known about her my whole life, and have wanted to contact her in some way also for a very long time. Well, I found S on Facebook when I decided I wanted to try and find anybody the other week, and have attempted reaching out. It's gone well so far, she's been really nice, but I haven't brought up the related part because I just don't know how. I tried to look up how to go about this, and most things I find just say to "not get your hopes up" and to "ask a relative for help", so... I asked my mom if she had any idea how I should go about that, since I don't know, and she's generally better at talking with people than I am.

My mom instead blew up at me, and told me that she doesn't like that I'm trying to reach out to S, doesn't like that I want to know anything about my dad, doesn't want me doing this, doesn't like me doing this, and that "not everything is about you you're not the only one who was affected by that". When I tried to ask for a reason why she doesn't want me to, all she had to say was that "it's not fair S had a dad and you didn't", and "they never helped or reached out to me even though they knew about you". (Though, I'm unsure how unbiased this statement might be, since she's always had a tendency to blame everyone close to people who have upset her for the one persons actions)

I haven't brought it up, but quite honestly I want to keep talking to S and try to bring it up anyways, but now I'm worried I'll be an asshole for it.

On one hand, I'm an adult and I think I deserve to try at least, and I think my mom's reasons shouldn't be impacting my choices (yeah it's unfair I didn't have a dad, but that's his fault not S's? and yeah no one helped her or anything before, but why does that mean I can't even try to reach out?), but on the other... Obviously this upsets her, and I think me wanting this has crossed some sort of line with her or something?

So... I guess, what do you people out here think? Would I be an asshole if I just ignored my mom and did it anyways?? Because I'm not sure anymore... (and apologies if this is "above tumblr's paygrade" or anything)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

I don't really look at the subreddit anymore, but no joke this post has lived in my psyche for actual years at this point and the fact that she never updated gave me very real anxiety whenever I remembered it. This closure means more than you know and I'm so glad she lived and got out of there

AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?

There’s a famous Reddit post from 2020 where a pregnant woman wrote that her husband and father-in-law were a little too comfortable with their certainty that she was absolutely going to die in childbirth just like her husband’s late mother. It was to the point where her FIL was insisting that she go ahead and put all her clothes into storage, because she was obviously going to die in the hospital and it would save them the grief of packing up her things afterwards. Like. It was WILD.

When I tell my husband [that she feels suspicious of her FIL], he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been “amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really), and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through. At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural…. My husband, in addition to backing his dad on everything, acts like my due date is my death date, and has completely pulled away from me.

The commenters (and me, honestly) were convinced that the husband and FIL were either going to kill her outright to fulfill this expectation, or just make decisions about her care that might conveniently let her die.

And then she never posted again.

Over the last four years, people have frequently mentioned that post, always leading to a thread of people saying, “Oh god, I still worry about that woman.” I did too. It became one of those famous unresolved posts that people always wondered about.

Until yesterday, when someone on r/BestOfRedditorUpdates dug up a 2022 update she had posted on a different account:

TLDR; I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and I divorced my ex-husband. I lived, obviously.

She writes that she put her foot down about having her own mother in the delivery room rather than her FIL (!), and she WOULD be getting an epidural. Her husband lost his shit. And in his outburst, he let slip--

I admittedly lost my temper, and told him that I wasn’t going to die- it wasn’t my fault his father’s trauma wormed it’s way into his head, and that he needed to fix it without taking it out on me. He yelled at me that he didn’t need therapy. That caught me a little off guard; I asked him why he went to his therapist and was given advice about my death if he felt he didn’t need it. His expression gave it away, and he caved not long after. It turns out there was no therapist. It was just his dad. During the times he was supposed to be at therapy, he was with his dad. I’m still fuming.

And that was when she got the fuck out.

I’ll wrap this up- I’ve got an adorable little toddler tugging at my leg atm. I’m alive, I’m happy, and I’ve got my baby in my arms. Life is good.

I truly never thought we'd see a resolution to this, and I feel like there's probably a good number of people who remember it, so I thought you might want to know.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for eating my sisters leftovers?

I (19M) have a little sister (16F) who likes to hoard her leftovers. We often have leftovers from dinner we normally split in two and one portion is for me and the other for her. Our mom is not interested in the leftovers.

I eat my part generally the next day but my sister often doesn't eat the leftovers. They need to be thrown out before she wants them most of the time. So I've started eating the leftovers when they start getting old so we don't waste any. I'm always hungry so why not eat something we otherwise have to throw out instead of making something new right?

My mom understands why I do it but says I should ask my sister. My sister however ignores me whenever I ask. So I just eat it. She often doesn't even notice it's gone unless she sees me eating it. But she is still very mad at me for it.

So am I the asshole here?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Hi, do you delete old asks? One of my submissions has disappeared 😢

Not unless there's a reason to! Was it an untelegraphed fandom post perhaps?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Genuine question bc your amount of patience never ceases to astound me: why do you always answer asks about things clearly stated in the FAQ? Specifically the ones asking why their submissions haven't been posted yet. I know you usually just answer it by saying "hey look at the faq" but to me if someone didn't take the few seconds to look their question up I don't think you need to spend those same few seconds telling them to do so

You're absolutely right about that, but I find answering one periodically reminding people that the faq exists and has useful information in it leads to fewer people sending the ask in the first place. It's really kinda funny how the frequency goes down and then creeps back up til I post the reminder, at which time the line goes flat again.