amc589-blog

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Reflection

The series we are starting at church delves into reflection as a Christian. When we look back on our past to see the need for change, we should do just that. We should not ignore the need for repentance, as it brings us closer to God. Though I have always had the concept of repentance at the forefront of my mind, I am not always obedient to God’s call to action. The sermon today looked at James 4. The verse that has been stuck with me for the longest time is James 4:6, which quotes Proverbs 3:34, which says, “Toward the scorners he is scornful, but to the humble he gives favor.” 

For context, I have been struggling with my financial debt for the past few years, and more heavily in the past few months. With the help of Dave Ramsey, a well-known, Christian finance guru, I have taken action by setting up a budget and picking up a second job doing some independent contracting. With independent contracting, I choose when I work and how much I work. My monetary goals have caused me to chase after the empty fulfillment of having money for the sake of having it. Completely negating the good money can bring when used for its intended purpose. Scripture points out that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil (1 Tim 6:10). I have seen it push me into a mindset that is impatient, angry, bitter, angry, impatient, and angry. When working, I find myself having a terrible attitude and absolutely no patience with my coworkers. I have lost sense of Colossians 3:23. My work has become an idol, as well as my monetary gain. 

Only a matter of days before this Sunday’s sermon, I created a board to help me with my budget and keeping my mind on God as my “Why” instead of money in and of itself. I put all of my receipts on it along with a few bible verses to remind myself why I am pursuing a debt-free life. Those verses include: James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5-7; Matthew 23:12; Luke 14:11; and Ephesians 4:26-27. If you take the time to refer to each of those verses, you will notice a pattern that God is placing in my life. The night before, my bible study group read through 1 Peter 4, leading into discussion of hospitality and serving others in the body of Christ. After reflecting back on the past few months, I have seen a gradual decline in my desire to serve because I have filled every spare minute I have working on my personal goals. I have lost sight of prioritizing God. Although my goal to attain “financial freedom”, as Dave would put it, is of a Godly desire, I have set it upon a pedestal that has to be torn down. After creating my board Friday morning, I went to a women’s group at church that evening to read through Ephesians 5 & 6. We discussed walking in the Spirit, living lives devoted to Christ and putting on the full armor of God, referring to Ephesians 6:10-20. After reading and listening to the various women speak, we went through a few moments of prayer starting with confession of how idols have gotten in the way of living a life devoted to serving God. It was with this prayer focus that I realized my lack of desire to serve others. The next topic was to repent. In the moment, I was physically exhausted, so I could not fully focus on having a truly repentant heart. We finished off the night singing a few songs and I left to go home without really feeling the weight of what I needed to let go of. Then, Sunday came. 

This past week has had the most amazing timeline. Last Sunday’s sermon brought to light my struggle with anger. After that, I listened to a sermon series from another church on anger, which really opened my eyes to my problem. Thursday night, I requested prayer for dealing with my anger and impatience. Friday morning, I created my budget board, followed by going to the ladies’ group that evening. Then, this Sunday morning came with the exact sermon I needed to hear. 

God has the best timing. It is way too neat to miss out on. But we do. Every day, we get caught up in our own things. We focus on the wrong things. Sometimes we notice it gradually worsen, but we ignore it. I admit that I have avoided fixing my problem with anger and impatience because I was in denial and had no idea how to deal with it. If I have learned nothing else in my walk with Christ, I have most definitely learned that it is always best to take our unknowns straight to him. He literally has all of the answers to our questions. Even when we don’t know what to ask, he has  the perfect response. We may not always want his response to be what it turns out to be, such as, “No.” However, God knows what is best, especially when we can't see it. He’s got the big picture when we can only see a few pieces. One step at a time, we must trust his guidance and truth. If we follow Scripture, we will end up where we are supposed to be and we will be so much more fulfilled than simply following our own plans. 

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The Need of Writing

I have felt the need to share my thoughts for several months, but I have hesitated due to the variance of opinions and lack of knowledge on lots of subject matter. However, writing is my outlet and I try my best at being unbiased other than my faith. So, here goes...

When I look back at this time in my life, at the age of 24, I will likely have to pause. One day, years from now, I will look back to the year 2020 and be silent. I will remember how drastically different life became in such a short amount of time. I wonder what life will be like a few years down the road. Has 2020 set a new tone in history? I can only hope. 2020 has been a ride. We are officially half way through the year and so much has happened.

I could probably say that majority of my stress is due to work, which has been rewarding and challenging, but also life moving in a positive direction as a whole. There’s a lot I have to be excited about at work, moving out, growing spiritually, volunteering, counseling, etc. 

I know the world has seen an eruption of chaos, to say the least. I would probably miss a ton of events if I tried to list all the current happenings, but I hope that others have taken on the challenges of this year and grown. All glory be to God that I have seen a great change in myself. Although I have not enjoyed the pandemic we are experiencing in the world, I have enjoyed the freedom of only worrying about the necessities. I have found that I have free time to enjoy the simple things, like nature. I have become so content with walking my dog and hiking the many parks nearby. I have enjoyed spending time with friends and making dinner at home every day. I love my new normal. Everyone on earth is going through their own routine of finding a new normal. It was so nice to see how humanity was brought together through the bond of having to deal with the same pandemic. It seemed that everyone was concerned with the health and well-being of others. I believe we started to see each other as people, rather than inconveniences to deal with. The events that came to follow George Floyd’s death proved that we are not as united as I thought. There have been peaceful protests, as well as riots. There has been a justified outrage, as well as unnecessary anarchy. 

There have been so many opinions shared about health and safety, as well as government funding and racial discrepancy. It comes to seem that no one can find any common ground. 

I pray for humility in the world. I pray that man would humble himself and hear the other side. Regardless of what side you stand on, or if you’re in the middle, listen. But do not just listen to respond. Listen to understand. Have empathy. Even when you cannot grasp the weight of emotion and perspective coming from the other side, try. We cannot experience each others’ lives from the same point of view. Each one of us has a unique outlook. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of one being right and the other being wrong, but just being. We need to seek to understand the opposition that is in front of us may not be opposing at all, but needing to be heard. 

Even with the madness that has been 2020, I am still positive. I am still hopeful. I am still looking forward to the future. It may look very different from what is expected, but that’s part of life. It’s an adventure. 

[amc589-blog]

Social media is such a problem.

I have not been in a good headspace the last 24-48 hours, and I fully believe that it has so much to do with social media. I went through the effort of deleting my Facebook app from my phone so that it wouldn’t be so clickable and easily accessible. I have done this multiple times in the past few years, as I’m sure so many others have. Yet, I decided to log in on my internet browser on my phone one time, which left me logged in, giving me that same easy access all over again. I find myself aimlessly scrolling, wasting time looking for something to peak my interest, searching for particular people to post something. And for what? Absolutely nothing.

Any time I consider deactivating my account I think of “so and so” who I wouldn’t be able to see pictures of anymore, or my friends who I get to live vicariously through because I don’t have kids, or post endless photos of my perfect dog or my cats doing ridiculous things like stealing my roommates’ clothes and bringing them downstairs. I appreciate social media for those things, but I scroll for hours looking at so many irrelevant posts that are not beneficial for anything but driving my sense of self comparison leading to self degradation and low self esteem. There have been several occasions where I’ll post specific things to trigger a particular follower of mine to like and comment, and they do, which feeds that demon to do it more.

I absolutely love to write when I feel passionate, so that’s what this blog consists of. I don’t get much of a response to any of my blog posts, so really I just write for myself. Honestly, I am fine with that. It’s sort of a public, personal journal. I don’t share my deepest darkest secrets, but I do enjoy sharing more vulnerable things about myself without fear of who may read it. I appreciate any likes I may get, but moreso bc I am truly passionate about being vulnerable in my writing and responses show me someone is listening, so thank you.

I detest feeding the evil demon of seeking out attention, so here’s to me saying, “Get behind me Satan!” That being said, self-control is the only way to kill said demon, therefore, I don’t see a need to deactivate all social media immediately because I feel that would only be running away from the opportunity to grow in patience and self-control.

[amc589-blog]

But God

There is so much going on in the world at this moment, in this entire year. The world has been through a pandemic; America has witnessed injustice, division like no other time in history, and natural disasters have not excluded themselves from the excitement. For me, time has flown by since last December. Life was, and still is, going great; however, that is not to say there haven't been low points. I ended 2019 with wonderful news from work, which only continued to progress through 2020. Once the pandemic swept through the country, and the world, upward movement at work started to slow down while business continued to increase like I have never witnessed before in the company. Work has only been part of the stress that has been endured this year, although majority of my anxiety stems directly from that environment. Socializing and living day to day has drastically been altered. Everyone was stuck at home, unless they were referred to as “essential” workers. That is, until basically all jobs could claim to be essential. People were wearings masks, whether they were forced to by government or individual businesses, or they chose to on their own good merit. New terms were put into play to make mask-wearing political, those being pro-mask or anti-mask. You could assume someone’s political party affiliation according to whether they were wearing a mask or not. Pretty much everyone in the world went through a period of time where they weren't sure if they should be around other people, so crowds died and folks began to stay at home. A new social cue to be learned is whether it was okay to hug someone or keep social distance. If you approach with either stance, you can so easily offend the other person because of the assumptions associated with your actions. If you go in for the hug, you run the risk of the other person assuming you're not considering their safety by coming at them with potential disease. Vice versa, someone may find you distance to be off-putting, as to assume they are infected and wish to pass it on to you. Therefore, making it practically impossible to know how to handle any interaction with people, even if you have known them for ages. It became easier to avoid human interaction at all, rather than take the chance of offending someone, or being unintentionally offended yourself. Staying at home brought along quite a bit of free time. So much so, that I took on a second job, related to my career very closely, but as an independent contractor. I found it refreshing to be making more money on the side while I didn't have to have much face-to-face interaction with other people. Needless to say, I have been working a lot during this pandemic, but I am ready for it to be over, as I am sure the rest of the world could agree. My biggest struggle was not spending time with other people, outside of work. I realized how much I was prioritizing work over my relationships outside of work. All of this goes to say, I have grown over the last year. I have had oodles of time to myself, whether by choice or by force. Time by myself has brought me to extra time with God, of course. For that, I am so thankful. I have been given the time to self-reflect and become more of the person I am called to be. I have been able to work 70 hours a week between two jobs. I volunteer once a month at a Christian pregnancy ministry. I do not neglect to prioritize time at my group bible study or skip going to church on Sundays, when I am not scheduled to work. I have taken the opportunity to vacation with my roommate and friend in one of my favorite places. I have visited family and spent meaningful time together. I stayed balanced and organized and managed not to go stir-crazy. Praise God! He is the only one keeping me sane and steadfast through it all. 

That brings me to the purpose of this rant of a blog. While everyone was panicking, I was anxious, but knew the entire time that God was in control. Yes, I was anxious because I wasn’t sure how to act around others, but the answer was to be at peace. I was ultimately at peace internally because I knew that God was my end. Whether this pandemic ended my life, or not, God was always the one controlling the outcome. Even Christians have become so distracted with all the events of this year. Trust me. I know there has been a lot going on amongst the country, not to mention the planet, which does not negate the fact of personal life-events and stress. I have had close family and friends experience loss, others have lost their jobs, and so many have no idea what to do out of safety and concern for their own health or the health of those closest to them. It is so devastating to witness so much panic, especially amongst Christians. If anyone should be okay, it should be those who know the end is in eternity with God. There should not be an ounce of worry. We are all afraid of suffering, but I would much rather suffer physically from health concerns rather than being persecuted and martyred. That would be much easier, although being martyred is always considered the highest honor. 

All I am saying is that, as Christians, we cannot lose sight of God in this crazy world. We must remember that He is the one who created it all and is in control of every situation. I had a coworker ask me about the justifications of abortion when it comes to a case of rape. I explained that there are none. My God is bigger than any scenario you throw at me. Whether it be something as tragic as deciding to keep a baby from an instance of rape, or forgiving someone who has murdered your entire family, God is bigger than all of it and He is able to use absolutely every single situation for His glory. Do not doubt His ability. I may not have voted for the president who is currently in office, but I am going to pray for him, along with his staff because God has appointed him for a reason. God does not have to show us the entire puzzle before handing us the pieces. He is not required to tell us why for every move He makes. He is just to do so. We must be at peace with that. I have witnessed the amazing results of letting go of what I cannot control and allowing God to do His work. Getting angry or being anxious about situations that we cannot change is pointless. To be righteously angry is to bring about change, but to be overly concerned with unforeseeable situations is but a waste. Stop reaching for things you are not supposed to grasp and leave them in the hands of God, the Creator of everything. The beginning, the end and the current time are all known by God. He is there in all of it. Trust and let it be. 

[amc589-blog]

Under Pressure

Christians are under so much pressure to be perfect once they convert. That’s not realistic. I hear the voices of people outside Christianity judge on the grounds of perfection.

Breaking news: Christians are not perfect.

Shocking, I know.

I had a coworker ask me the other day, “Why are we following some of these rules from this old book and not all of them? Why aren’t we stoning people?” I pondered that for a few days and it came to me yesterday. It seems like the answer should be so simple for one who’s been a believer for as long as I have been, but the Bible is not so simple. The Old Testament was not given with the expectation that man would actually be able to follow it perfectly. That is why there were instructions on sacrifices for sins. The OT was given to show us how sinful we are. Humans could never possibly follow the Torah (Law) perfectly. Therefore, Jesus. Jesus came down as God in human form and lived the Law out perfectly, yet, was still sacrificed. His sacrifice covered all sin past, present and future. Humans are not going to be perfect, even after conversion and believing in that sacrifice.

As someone who followed Torah for 2+ years, I very quickly realized this truth. However, I often lost sight of the beauty of the sacrifice Jesus made and became very legalistic. Even to the point of judging others by that level of perfection no one can attain. Beyond that, I judged unbelievers with the same standard. Following Torah perfectly is impossible, but can be an amazing devotion to God. It was an amazing and stretching two years for myself.

All that being said, God’s Grace is sufficient. We do not deserve it. Not a single one of us. Not Hitler, not me, not you. Not one. None of us is better than the other. We are saved or we are not. We believe in Jesus or we don’t. That is it. That is all. Salvation is not earned. It cannot be.

No pressure Christians.

“What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭6:1-2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

[amc589-blog]

We are in some strange times right about now. Some might say that life has never truly been “normal”, but this is a whole new level. 2020 is bringing it hard; at least, the hardest it has ever been brought in my few years alive. With that being said, I have noticed many recent posts on mental health that I found relatable. Not only is the entire world going through a pandemic, but there are so many other issues at hand. Everyone has an opinion on everything and no one can seem to find humility in their hearts to admit they MIGHT be wrong, or even that there is NO right answer. Maybe there are MULTIPLE right answers. I’m not an expert at anything, not even myself. We still got our own baggage to figure out. I know one thing is for sure though: I have been depressed. Not sad, but lacking in motivation. I have lost so much energy from the stress of every little thing going on in the world that has added so much weight to the stress I already had going for me. I have SO much positive going on and I am thankful to God for each one of those things. My depression stems from not being able to meet with my people. When I moved away, I left behind a very close, strong Christian community. We were never not together in our free time. There was not a day when I did not see at least one of my people. After reaching close to two years of being here, I FINALLY started building a strong community of Christian friends. I was starting to hang out with people and get to know folks, then COVID-19 happened. Long story short: I don’t get to see my new people anywhere near as much. On top of that, I work in a VERY essential line of work, especially during this time. Work has been my favorite thing for the last two years. I was finally starting to see some progress in my career! Then, COVID-19 happened. My movement has not been placed on a complete hold, but has been slowed drastically. I was planning on taking vacation time at the beach over the summer with a friend, but then, COVID-19 happened. I was hoping to go visit family, but some of them are immunosuppressed and cannot take visitors, thanks to COVID-19. I am finally able to move out on my own at the end of the month, but getting help has been difficult because of, you guessed it, COVID-19. Needless to say, I have so many great things going for me in life, but I have absolutely zero control of anything. I am so glad that I know Who does, though. Although these times have not been my favorite, taking away so many distractions has shown me so much about life itself. It’s easy to miss the little things we fail to appreciate. I am so thankful that God has given me the eyes to see how badly I need to humble myself and give over control of everything. It’s wild to think that despite all the stress and depression, I can still have joy knowing where the race ends. With all the mountains and valleys, I can still be assured in the ending.

P.S. I had another route that I was planning to take with this blog, but the Holy Spirit has other plans. This is why writing is therapy for me. ❤️🤘🏻👍🏻👏🏻

[amc589-blog]

Looked good on paper...

If you would have asked me 5 years ago, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I would not respond with the current details of my life. At 19, I was just finishing my AA, living at the gym, not pursuing a career, living in my hometown, constantly with friends, and very financially unstable. I am very sure that down the road, 5 years from now, it will be the same situation. I will not be the person I am today. I hope to have grown in a positive direction, become closer to God, have deeper relationships, a career, etc. I do not doubt that this would be true for any human you would ask this question. 

5 years ago, I would have told you my goals by 25 would include a career, husband, kids, house, no debt, perfect body, white picket fence, the whole nine yards. I never thought I would be done with school, living two hours from home, but still with family, have two cats, share a dog, single (good thing), pursuing the career that I am, eating ice cream two or three nights a week, driving a brand new car, missing my friends back home, etc. In no way, shape or form did I see myself here. I knew that my future would definitely not be exactly what I pictured, but I thought at least some of those details would be true. The fact of the matter is, I am very content with where I am. I am excited to be who I am. I love all of it. 

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in life goals. Especially when we are comparing ourselves to others. I know that there are so many people in our lives, strangers and loved ones, who tell us, “Don’t compare your life to anyone else’s.” Do we fully comprehend that? No. Never. It takes time to get to a point of being blessed with contentment of our own life. I am truly thankful to God for everything I have. I am not the child I once knew and I am far better than any woman I ever thought I might become. This is me saying to all: let go and let God. Let the pressure of having things that others do just to say you have them. It’s okay to desire things that other people have for the sake of your enjoyment, but don’t turn life into a competition. If anything, compete with yourself. Accomplish your own goals based on your capabilities. This is your life. 

What looks good on paper does not always end up being the best and most satisfying outcome. 

[amc589-blog]

Anyone else seem to be super overwhelmed by what they can’t comprehend?

You’re not alone.

This pandemic has struck so many cords in each person’s life. There are endless scenarios that this is playing out in. They’re not even limited to just being negative or positive.

I’ve always been one who was unable to answer the question, “How are you?” I view life as “is” rather than “good” or “bad”. Obviously there are some days that are amazing and some that are terrible. That is life, but that’s exactly my point. That is life. Life just “is”.

On that note, in this moment, life is not fun. I cannot explain the way I feel. I am stressed. I am upset. I am mad. I am lonely. I am hurt. I am emotional. I did read an article that explained this pandemic is causing us to grieve. Basically, because of all these drastic life changes, we seem to be at a loss. Social distancing has been extremely hard for me. I am one who thrives on seeing my “people”. I miss my friends and family. I miss how much I enjoy my job. You could not make me leave work, even on the rough days. With all of the unknown going around and the huge walls built up around humanity, I feel so alone. I know “we are all in this together”, but separately.

I hate it.

I hate the isolation and the detachment. We each have to be so concerned with our 6-foot radius, that we avoid contact with people. Although I do wish that everyone would just remain amongst themselves for a time so this could all go away, we must continue to run essential business, such as my company’s. I interact with thousands of humans every day, but still seem to be so distant from connection.

I know that I feel as if I am in this whole thing by myself, but I know that everyone is going through their own sense of grief.

The link to the article I read on grieving during this time is linked below.

[amc589-blog]

Get Out!

Every human on planet Earth is in a weird spot right now. The COVID-19 Pandemic is pushing us all into an awkward corner that has no end. If anyone is enjoying this, please explain why...

We are all being challenged in new ways and hopefully growing in a positive direction.

For me, working in my specific industry has been flipped and transformed. I am one of the very “essential” workers in the line of duty, if you will. Before this whole thing came about to the extent that it has, I was pursuing a promotion. Not that I have intentionally stopped driving toward that goal, but everything has been stopped in its tracks until things are back to normal...whatever that will look like. I don’t get to work in the usual environment that I have become so accustomed to the last four years I’ve been with my company. We have had to change policies for the protection of everyone, especially our associates. I can guarantee that we detest having to take away from our customers just as much, if not more, than they themselves hate it.

I had a lady say to me, “[This] used to be an outstanding company, but it’s not anymore.” I could not disagree more. My company has gone above and beyond to provide for everyone as equals, all while trying our best to cater to those specific groups who need special treatment because they are “at risk” moreso than others. My company has compensated their associates for all their hard work to the best of their ability.

Everyone is dealing with this in their own way. She may have had something going on in her life that made her upset and our policy change just pushed her to react and take her anger out on the wrong person. I can fully understand that. It’s natural for me to want to immediately react right back, but I cannot. Especially not in the field that I am in and most certainly not in my specific position.

Although I have continued to work 40+ hours every week away from home, I am still quarantined as soon as I leave. I can attest to how awful that is. Maybe some are enjoying the seclusion, but I am not. I love being around people I love and enjoy spending time with. My alone time is minimal in normal circumstances. I am struggling, if I’m being honest.

I’ve drown myself in my own headspace. I have been so mentally fogged up the last few weeks, I have lost sight of my future and my passion. Going to work has not been such a highlight because I haven’t found out how to thrive in this environment. But it’s coming...We will have a breakthrough. I’ve been eating way too many snacks and not exercising. I went to the park several times the first week of quarantine, but haven’t had the motivation since.

However! Today marks a day when I will get back into a groove. I will go to work and attempt to brighten everyone’s day because we are all in this together! I am removing myself from being trapped in my own mind of thinking negatively, as if this is never going to end. It will. This will all pass by!

After all, I can’t be the CEO of my company if I don’t get back at the good fight.

[amc589-blog]

Trucking along just fine...

I usually find it to be offensive to brag about the positives in my life, especially when there are so many. However, I am so thankful to God that I have everything in the world going for me right now. He is the only reason any of it is happening. All my closest people know that I am obsessed with my job. I love the company and the many people I am able to connect with in my store, as well as others. I am blessed beyond words with great management and knowledgable fellow associates. 

Within the last month and some change, I have received so much good news at work. Starting with: last April, I was finally promoted within my store to the next level I had been training for over two years. After that, my next pursuit was to be granted a full time position. After several months, I was promoted to full time staff. I nearly cried when my store manager gave me the news! The final straw that brought about my new position was me speaking up for myself. I had to approach the big man, the head master, if you will. All I needed to do was show him that I truly wanted the position. I did not realize how quickly the process would begin after a simple conversation with my district manager. My store managers had been pushing for me for months, but the one thing I believe he was awaiting was my own voice speaking up to say, “I want this. What do I need to do to make this happen?” I think he saw my drive and intuition in that short discussion. A matter of an hour later, my store manager had left for the day. Not even 5 minutes later, he walks back into the store, through the rain. He calls me into his office and congratulates me. My DM sent an email immediately after our chat. That was it. I made it happen. I proved myself in that moment. 

All within the next month and a half, I had so many more blessings pour down from heaven. Even some outside of work. My immediate manager put me in charge of monthly associate events (i.e. movie nights, bowling). My SM gave me the task of writing a monthly storewide newsletter, such an honor, that I still have yet to get started on...After that, I was awarded associate of the month and named Job Class Trainer. After that, I was picked to help out at another store in a separate district for a week; basically, a paid work-vacation at the most beautiful beach in the states! 

Along with work going amazingly well, I began attending a church in town and serving on the production team. I have made several great friends within my small group, who are bringing me back to living a Godly life alongside others. It does not get much more exciting than that! 

In a matter of just a few months, I have gone from the girl who thought she was confident in her abilities to the woman who knows her worth and her purpose is greater than she realizes. And nothing will stop me (cue Satan planning something big)...Since I moved away from everything I ever knew in my small hometown, out to a bigger city with new challenges and new people, I have drastically grown in an extremely positive way. I have met so many amazing people and created several wonderful relationships. I almost feel like I could fly at times. 

I hesitate to boast majority of the time because I do not want to seem high and mighty in myself, but I try to share with those who understand that I am only able to boast because of He who created me for this purpose. God had my entire life planned out before I was even born. Now, I get to live it out. I enjoy the high points, like now, and I try to take the seasons of trials as learning opportunities (easier said after the fact)...I am sure I have mentioned in more than one of my previous blogs that I recently made a drastic mistake buying a brand new car that I could not afford the payments on. I have taken that mistake and grown from it by controlling my finances. Dave Ramsey is my money management idol. That is just one tangible experience of a learning experience that I have endured that will be well worth something when I am old and wealthy. 

Another wonderful thing heavily related to work is the great people I have met within my company. I have gotten so close with so many people who share the same affinity that I have for our roles within the company. It is severely cultish...and I love it. My closest girl friend just got promoted last year and again just 9 months later! I love that we get to call each other all the time and talk about our many accomplishments. We get to connect on a spiritual level and a professional level. There is nothing more I could ask for.

GOD BLESS!!

I am just absolutely ecstatic about so many things, I can’t even write them all.

Lastly, I will post a picture of my puppy dog, who I am in love with.

That is all.

Thanks for coming.

[amc589-blog]

A long one...

A complete stranger has the ability to affect you. I had no idea until a couple of hours ago.

Do you know anyone, no matter how distantly, who has committed suicide? How did it affect you? Who shared the news with you? There are so many questions I could ask as one who loves psychology and studying people.

The “someone” I found out about today is someone I’ve never met, but was friends with someone who I love very much. I may not be anywhere near as affected as those who knew him, but seeing my loved one become so impacted by something hurts my heart. It also brings to mind the times when I have felt low.

There have been so many times where I have felt like I’d reached the point of complete loss of purpose and didn’t want to exist anymore. The only thing stopping me was my faith. The reality is, I know I have a purpose, whether I can see it or not. I can’t take my own life because it’s not mine to take. I am not my own. I was created for a purpose, as is everyone else. That does not change the fact that we endure trials and get tested. But at what point do we feel like giving up? What is the “final straw”? When do we give in and start planning our exit? For me, I never reached that point. I could never get to that mindset of truly ending it all. As terrible as I felt life was, I always had this tiny ounce of hope. As if there was a speck of glitter at the end of a tunnel, I never reached the point of actually being suicidal. But I’ve been affected by it because it is always around. I’ve had close friends lose parents; people lose classmates; heard of distant relatives; but never very close to home personally. I’ve never lost anyone to the tragedy of taking their own life. I thank God for that.

Having someone so close to me lose someone to suicide leaves me nearly speechless. I can’t think of how to respond. All I can do is exist nearby and be physically there for them. And really, that’s all you can do. Your words can’t fix anything. The reality is their person is gone. You can’t bring them back to make it all better. Death is not an easy thing to get someone through, but it is a part of life. It is the end of life for someone and it is inevitable, yet so tragic when it comes. It’s never the exact time we expect it to happen. For whatever reason, I’ve always been so comfortable with the loss of a life. I could give credit to my grandfather being a funeral director or possibly being desensitized from so many horror films. I cannot give a definitive answer, but I do know that knowing where I am going when I reach eternity gives me the fearlessness off my own end. I fear, moreso than death, what comes with old age. We begin to deteriorate physically, mentally, psychologically, and all over. No one wants to deal with joint replacement, memory loss, or losing our minds. That is, if we don’t end up getting cancer and suffering physically until death. Regardless of circumstance, death is reality. Reality will strike at any time. We can never prepare for it. The death of others, especially in tragedies like suicide, can so heavily affect us.

This all goes to say, you never know who has what teaching through their mind. We can look for signs of suicidal ideation, but can we really single it out to that... Not everyone who is depressed wants to take their own life to escape. The happiest people in the world have been known to become the victims of their own minds and end their lives themselves. No one sees it coming. My loved one keeps explaining how random this specific case seems. He said they were just texting hours before it happened and everything was totally fine. Nothing was out of the ordinary. He cannot help but wander, “What did I miss?” There is no answer for that. There are surely obvious red flags to know someone is suicidal, but, let’s be honest, not many people are out here ranting about their depression and sharing out with the world. Of course, that makes sense for so many reasons. I wouldn’t want others to know if I was thinking about killing myself, especially if I didn’t think anyone cared enough about me.

The question we can keep asking each other is: How can we prevent this epidemic? How do we ensure people that there is hope beyond this, often times, miserable life? The only answer I have come to bring me back to being okay is only Jesus. Knowing that my future is not entirely up to me, and my every mistake does not have to weigh me down forever because I am forgiven, grants me that unexplainable peace beyond understanding. Philippians 4:7 has always been a deep part of my testimony. At times you would think there would be no rest and no peace, I am fine and I am at ease.

We know suicide is a thing. We can’t truly ever know all the signs to look for in someone. We can choose to love others regardless of the treatment they give you. An unconditional love for God’s humanity is the route of world peace.

[amc589-blog]

The good girl.

It’s easy to be the easy girl. The one who lets anyone and everyone take advantage of her. The girl who knows she looks good and doesn’t have to put forth any ounce of effort to get the boys to notice her. She gives herself away to any man she finds to suit her aesthetic. Her soul lives for party life. She craves the attention. She tells herself she’s in control because she chooses who gets what piece of her. Her heart has been chipped away and given to so many that she’s not sure there’s anything left. The girl who finds life to be so much simpler when she just lets herself indulge in whatever life brings is also the girl who knows there is more to life than her physical, emotional and human desires. Her soul knows there’s a purpose to live for that has more to do with the lives of others; sometimes moreso than her own. She sees that her problems and feelings are not the only ones that matter. Her life is not intended to serve only her needs. There’s more meaning underneath all of the trauma she’s endured. There is more to learn from her pain and experiences. She has so much to share with the world. She would so much rather give up and take the easy route. But she knows she can’t quit. This is not the end of her journey. She can’t backtrack to what she finds familiar: the easy route of being the easy girl. You see, deep down, the easy girl is the good girl. The girl who seeks to do what is right by everyone, especially herself. She has high self esteem and lives with a purpose. She follows her dreams and considers consequences before taking action. She uses her wisdom to benefit others. She is humble. She has integrity. She’s bold. She’s confident. She’s fearless...

There are times when the good girl wants to revert back to being the easy girl. Temptation comes in and she gets weak. Her soul wants to stay strong, but her being wants to give in. There have been far too many seasons where she gave in, but this time is different. She sees the pattern; it’s always the same. This time she can be strong. Her worldview is expanded beyond herself. She sees her purpose in others’ lives. She knows there is more to life than a romantic relationship, status at work, financial gain, etc. God created her with a divine purpose; a reason. She is here to serve others in a specific way that only God can do through her. Through her story; through her experiences; through her life. She has a purpose and she will walk in it. She will walk up and down mountains, slide down hills, fall into pits and have to crawl out, but she will keep walking. God has her right where she’s supposed to be. God is her stronghold; her rock; her only absolute.

She did not quit, even though she felt like it.

She had good days; she had bad days; she survived them all.

She has a purpose and she will fulfill it; no one can stop her because God is on her side.

She came. She saw. She conquered.

[amc589-blog]

Avoidance is such a thief.

I find myself trying to fill my mind with anything I can when I don’t want to deal with an internal issue. Social media is a huge distraction for me if I ever need to get my mind off of anything. There have been far too many instances where I fully planned on reading on my day off, but ended up getting on Facebook, YouTube, Snapchat, Tik Tok and Instagram for hours at a time. I get sucked into the experiences other people share online and lose track of living my own life. All of these outlets have graduated from being mediocre forms of keeping up with friends to finding the love of your life over the Internet. You can buy anything through an advertisement on Facebook. They even watch every move you make to better suggest product you’d be interested in.

To be sure I don’t lose track of where I’m headed with this, I will climb out of the rabbit hole that is social media.

Heading back down the road of avoidance, there are so many evil distractions out there to take you away from living your life. Social media is one of the ways I find myself running away from reality and down the track of selfish ambition. I stop caring about what is going on in the world around me. I get lonely. I retract from human interaction to hide away. I think it may even be a sign of anxiety. I was sure I had conquered that years ago, but every note and then it’ll rear it’s ugly head at me. For lack of better words, I am blessed with experience of dealing with anxiety.

It’s almost surreal now that I can see the downward spiral from miles away and I know exactly what triggers it and what escalates growth once it starts. Having those facts helps me to get away from what I need to. I know one matter that starts to pop up is avoidance. I have to seek out everything possible to fill my head with noise to avoid letting anything else in. Music can get in the way, social media, other very terrible outlets, etc. But what does this stem from? Guilt? Shame? Anger? I’m never fully sure until I take a day to rest my mind and talk things out with my favorite Being.

God has always been my best counselor. When I need to get away from absolutely everyone and everything, I seem to run toward the ocean. This gives me a solid few hours in the car to hash out my feelings until I reach my destination. My happy place is always in the sunshine with nature. Watching the waves crash while I’m basking in the warm sun brings me to the emptiest and calmest place I have come to know and love. God uses these moments to remind me that I am His and no one can do anything to change that. Not even me.

Before you allow avoidance to steal away your precious time with God, stop yourself in your tracks and plan a time of true rest and talk with the best wise counselor there is. He hears,sees and knows all.

Live in the moment. Don’t let distractions take you away from experiencing your own life.

[amc589-blog]

New Day

Do you ever feel like God has saved you all over again? You have the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders. You no longer feel like you have to hide what you feel is the deepest, darkest secret. You are free from the guilt and shame that has been bogging you down. You can share your past struggles because they are in the past.

That’s the newness of life when a sinner repents.

Throughout my life, I have witnessed myself go through this cycle of being 110% about God all the way back to living the old lifestyle I had before I first fell to my face and wept over my sin. I remember that day so well. June 21, 2013 is tattooed in Roman numerals on my left arm.

Each time the Lord brings my heart to full repentance, I return to this place of complete peace and freedom. Every day is new.

[amc589-blog]

He is Calling

I’m sitting here, in the middle of service, and cannot help but to have an overwhelming peace. I look back to the last year and a half of my life and cannot help but want to break down and cry tears of joy. I am in awe of everything that God has brought to fruition in my life. I was so lost in finding myself by moving away to a city where I knew no one, had no community, no accountability, and running away from God. Rolling around in my sin like a pig in the mud, God woke me up. Though only for a short season, He brought me into a relationship that reminded me of the joy that I had when I first believed. I was reminded of my first love. I fell back into love with Jesus and my heart returned to the desire to serve.

Since July of 2018, I have added to my laundry list of mistakes, but God has blessed me all the more. There is no way that I will ever be able to justify the grace and mercy He has extended. I am so thankful for the new friendships I have and the community I am involved with. Not only are my relationships with my new friends, but my relationships with my coworkers are growing more toward a Godly perspective. I am stronger in my foundation and more able to pass it on to those around me. I enjoy my work like Ecclesiastes talks about. I love what I do, but I know it cannot compare to how I will enjoy eternity.

The books that have come along in the recent months have expanded my knowledge vastly and they have come at the perfect time. My love for reading has grown amazingly. I am overjoyed by everything going on around me. This is my best season by far. I am so thankful and excited for what is to come. I anticipate hard times in the future, as they always cycle through in life. However, I look ahead with a fresh hope of only the best outcome because God is at my side. He prepares the way and makes the path. Life is amazing.

I absolutely love being in the calling of the Lord. I feel so perfectly placed.

[amc589-blog]

We are here. Here we are.

It has taken me a lifetime to learn patience. I can never be as patient as I will be tomorrow. Every day offers new opportunity to wait and not be anxious. When you finally receive that blessing you have been praying for, there is a physical, mental, emotional sigh of relief. An entire weight is lifted from your shoulders and you feel like you could fly.

This April, after two and a half long years of training, I received a promotion at work. After that, I started to pursue a full-time position. Now, after eight long awaited months, before the end of the year even, I have earned another promotion. The managers I have been blessed with are beyond what I deserve. There have been so many conversations between myself and various management about my future with the company. I have had so much encouragement from so many around me. I am so thankful. I have always tried so hard to be the best at everything I do and I have finally found something I love to do and I do it well. The reassurance I have received from those above me has boosted my confidence and self esteem beyond measure.

As I look back on these last few months of waiting, they really seem to have flown by. I have not been the most patient at times. I have complained and lost hope at times. But I truly did learn a lot of patience along the way. I wa told by many to force my way in, but I knew that was not the right thing to do. My waiting was a time for me to grow and thrive and trust in God’s provision. He has done nothing but answer my requests with the best responses. Learning patience is never fun during the process, but the result is humbling and reassuring.

I am excited for the next step in the path of life in pursuit of my next promotion! It could come sooner than later, but I know God’s timing is perfect, so I will wait.

[amc589-blog]

Something About Him

When no one else could possibly understand,

He does so perfectly.

When nothing could ever take away the pain,

He can completely.

When others have no idea what to say,

He comes with full comfort.

When everything seems to be falling apart,

He is constant.

When there is no happiness,

He brings joy.

When there is a battle,

He creates peace.

When I do not know,

He gives wisdom.

When I am alone,

He is here.

When I need help,

He guides me.

When I can’t escape,

He provides a way.

When I am afraid,

He guards my soul.

When I mess up,

He forgives.

When I need love,

He holds my heart steady.

When all is wonderful,

He is glad.

When I have bliss,

He has made it so.

When life is up and when life is down,

He is Jesus.

“...Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

-Isaiah 9:6

Even through the trials of life, I have witnessed the characteristics of God unfold. There is no way I could walk through this life without Jesus at my side. Even in the deepest doubts, there is always a glimmer of hope that I hold onto. Knowing the end of the road is eternity with Him, I can have peace in all situations. Not just peace, but a peace that passes all understanding. Even though I am unfaithful, He brings blessings. I do not deserve it, but I am thankful.