anaranatalia

[anaranatalia]

depression/ ancestral feelds

❄

Memory pockets have been opening Re-integrating forgotten parts of me Depression lives in the foil pop of pill packets 23 years ago Sometimes, she snuggles up Mornings when I feel my smile is buried Under the bed Heavy, can’t get up Depression likes to tease me Are you sure you’re over me dear? Narcissist lover dangles a carrot Former comforts Contortions cleared, My heart knows different now She reminds me I’m a gatekeeper Of life force Whispers Remember those moments when Life felt Pure and effortless That pristine joy of being ALIVE? Her form appears to oppress When my will has slipped from sight Creativity caved in She smirks There, just let me tuck you in Our love - chemical romance When the weight of the world threatens to crush me There is a passion in my heart says Hey! These muscles are made of blood and Blood is made of breath and If it weren’t for a power Greater than you You wouldn’t have muscles to ache Depression Gives me sense of Arms that held me Of my legs that refused to walk Back for more pills and instead Ran and danced and exercised me Life at the end of a long dark night Takes the dressings and dimmers off I need my roots in the soil So I can hear my soul 🔥

[anaranatalia]

exstatic

the shape of my heart  I'm unpicking the world How it works, and doesn’t What's going on behind the scenes What that informs me to mean What do I want What do my dreams and needs Look like now? What am I here for Sometimes all there is is a heavy hum Visions pass my inner eye but They don't make me feel the same Perhaps a chasm has opened and Now all I can do is feel numbness Gunk of ages, through the hole In my soul Loss, pain, bewilderment Fury of being misread, cut out, left alone This 'gap' showing me A doorway to hold her Stronger This rehoming is a process A princess does not become a queen overnight There's tears and peeling and trials She must love and lose To remember all she's made of How she loved to climb trees Scrape her knees, see mud under her nails Feel her beauty in each leaf as the sun reveals their veins Why they dressed her in synthetic sparkles When the stars were sparking inside her That her smile in soiled clothes Was reverence to the earth Wet wiped away Piece by piece Forgetting her play Innate intelligence Fierce fragile fortress Fae, mother, huntress In times when our sun Is spoon fed to us Reclaiming our inner fire Author-ity Has never been more vital Liter-ally. Tough cookies are overheated dough Lost their suppleness Ninja powers Watered down wisdom No wonder we’re pissed off Well tended fire We know our strengths Unafraid to defend Protect our children Show your teeth Let us be soft and pink and happy Naked in our truth

[anaranatalia]

ache

Been sitting with an aching I want to know it Be with it deeply ‘What’ are you, not ‘why’ are you.. What do you long for? Why are you here? What are you made up of? ��� I am ocean, warm A sandy path almost too hot to bear A balmy view heavy with storm cloud Cacophony of car horns Glittering skin in a loud black sky Hip slapping, teeth, intrusion I am the perpetrator and the hunted Colonised, colon and corpse- A museum inside We hide behind charm like foamy tides Honey golden rum, we go on Twerks that work it through Glue that kept our mouths shut Our mothers up I’m a serious woman, on time or Apologetic, accountable, someone to count on Warm, wise, organised Would rather make waves than toe your lines As stubborn as soft She longs for tender touch Home to stop moving Choose good soil for rooting You laugh at truth in jokes disguise Because it hurts to see Bodies tell a thousand tales Wails and wishes in our cells What’s missing shows what’s present Gift keeps Giving

[anaranatalia]

psychic mermaid

Psychic mermaid You know more than you should know We are fishes swimming In the unknown The see-through ship of intimacy How can we stand in beauty When stripped of dignity? I built walls So I might never dissolve In those waves Made you an enemy To avoid unity A thirst to belong Overrode my song Forgot that you were me Looking for healing To be whole again Firecracker spinning Burning off all that should have been Gave myself edges and form Whale, dolphin, Breathing underwater Cherokee, indigo, jaguar Medicine woman of the tundra I know more Than I remember I know How to steward and command Take care of the land Do more by being than I give myself credit for Mother, trust life When the wool is pulled over I see with eagle eyes Hold paradox in my hands Cat out the bag hag Smeared, scapegoated, Told I didn’t know All at sea, crazy Oh the irony Talking to the unseen In the heavens, on the street Two years old Realms before time This battle, fight Psychedelic, psy-op, Seen-it-all These are the fields I came for Packaged my worth In external worlds Trust hard Cry easy Laugh my full laugh Full circle of dying Past life scars Give it to her She’ll raise you From beneath Silica memories Dancing warrior, Wilderness intelligence, Crystalline star Child 👑🐬

[anaranatalia]

cultural cauldron 🫁

👄 expression of grief, longing and balancing bloodlines I’ve never stayed in one place for this long. Steeped in the cold, dark swirls of mother lines. My body aches for my father land. Old story. My ‘Dominican’ blood likes immediacy, sound of life, warmth, spontaneity, simplicity, friendliness, revelation, naivety, bravado, adventure, romance, transparency, movement, being taken. My ‘English’ strands prefer quiet, anonymity, coolness, mystery, depth, layers, history, intrigue, waiting, stillness, elegance, refinement, routine, being left alone. I’m clearing (seeing) deepest layers of trauma from my core, cells, dna. Past life kicks and screams, torture and teens, baby and child, loss, and wild broken dreams. Reconciling these parts? Or just dancing with them clumsily and showing you who I may be. #cultural #cauldron #longing #mother #father #body #bridge #dna #land

[anaranatalia]

void space

There’s times for long dark nights. There’s a time before dawn when you will be in a void. When you’re being rewired and you need to keep still, in some dimensions. When you reboot a computer, you close it down to move the wires around. There’s a shut down, even a numbness, and it’s nothing to worry about. You’ve processed a lot of pain, a back log of trauma and it’s time for it to keep flowing out. You’ve done the mental & emotional work and shaken things up and now you’re releasing the final energetic flow of what was. II used to reference this ‘being rewired’ a lot. Well, it never stopped. There was just a forgetting about what was going on. Had a build up of stress and pressure about how I should be. Mind tricks of ‘should be over it by now’, ‘should be healed’ etc I find it refreshing and actually speeds up the healing process to remember this phase. Allow. How does it feel to reframe this phase? How could you treat yourself knowing this?

[anaranatalia]

ugly duckling

I tried hard to cool my emotions off. As I was told to calm my feelings ‘drown’, but never shown how. Box them, hem them in I did. I was a grey and blue tomboy from age 7- ? [I will go into detail in my book📖 , which I’m be devoting more of my energy to from now on] I needed the boundary and border of block lines, simple shapes, solid form. Jeans & a t-shirt that hid/ distracted the delicate flower me as much as possible. Frills n softness would be to acquiesce to their blurred lines of feeling, unclear contracts. Accentuating features, attracting attention, calling them in. No thank you. I was not ready for that til I could own and heal my emotional world. 

I hid in my baggy pants and oversized shirts. XXXXX After all no one is here for me, except me. I’ll keep my contrast. Swans can be so hard on themselves, demanding a purity and perfection that only exhausts humans. Not seeing their beauty in their younger years. Being the scapegoat. Put down, shamed for their beauty and expression. Finding themselves in unfamiliar environments until they recognise themselves and who they TRULY, wholly are. How we see, feel & present ourselves goes way deeper than skin deep. Flows from way back to our roots and purpose in being here. What we wish to live + experience here. So in all the sensuality & elegance I can muster, I am shedding a skin. Leaving the tomboy behind whilst bringing through the warmest essence of my theatrical, romantic, magical (s)elf that I shut down. Real-eyesing how I’ve always loved swans; the story they tell. They’ve been right outside my past two homes.

[anaranatalia]

grief is the gold

If you're grieving, let it flow Grief is the gold you long to hold If you're on the floor, there's an open door Immerse in the waves, carrying you to shore Restoring your crown through the ups and downs In chaos we root deeper, We rest sweeter We come back brighter #grief #gold #go

[anaranatalia]

oranges at night 🌌

Hydration, promise, sun in the dark. Oranges at night is my new favourite thing. As is having a warm shower before bed. Rubbing oregano and castor oil into my feet and chest before I sleep. Smiling ‘I love you’ at myself in the fairy lit mirror as I brush my teeth. Kissing my dog goodnight, thanking her for another day as I cover her with her blanket. Kissing my shoulder before I get out of bed in the morning. Calling all of me home. Whatever you’ve been through, I want you to know that you can mend back better. Like maybe you never thought possible. Trust yourself. Keep going. 💕

[anaranatalia]

rock sea 🌊 / roxy

Life with my beloved familiar. She came to me in the middle of a storm, quite literally and figuratively.. a time when I was all at sea. I had prayed to God please send me some living being who I can love. She appeared at my door with the neighbour’s cat to go for a walk. I think animals are here to humble our hearts, to the space beyond words. That we’re better off when we’re caring for something. This morning we bumped into a smiling old man turning a corner who said, “They make you move!” She sure does. All the emotions I’ve purged and feelings that move every single day. Calming each other through life’s storms both real and imagined. Trauma response buddies teaching each other how to root down a little more.. Treasuring every moment.

[anaranatalia]

parts of me

They say that we post the most pictures of what we most fear losing. I lost parts of myself I thought I’d never retrieve. I thought that retrieving those exact parts was necessary. I learnt that they have since transformed and look quite a lot different now. But I didn’t lose anything. I jumped out my skin to help others. Trying to heal my wounds through maintaining some kind of outer control. Cut bits of me off, bartering for love. Deferred to others. Dimmed my light so they could meet me, instead of holding my own. Recently when I looked at a photo of little me, I saw fear and darkness. It’s amazing what we project, emotions unmet, hidden demons.. become the faces we look at. I knew it wasn’t her, pure heart. That I had to stay the course and see her shine again. I’m choosing her. I’m choosing me. Living in service is honouring me first, keeping my roots in the soil. Not servitude. Service to the divinity within. Staying true to my colour and shape in any moment. Untying the strings attached to outside approval, beliefs of undeservedness, patterns rooted in guilt and shame. Forgiving myself for making it so hard on her. She was only ever trying to survive. She gets to thrive. Just like she always wanted everyone else to. Cheerleading her friends and family on. Loving so hard for little return of all the affection she longed for. She gets to have all of that. By seeing and claiming it for herself first. Today I’m glad to say that i see her sunshine beams again.. eyes sparkling, cheeky smile, gold in her hair. She’s a sunbeam. She heralds the light. She holds the light

[anaranatalia]

despite missing pieces i am whole

It’s not up to you to have it all together Despite missing pieces I am whole. With everything life has brought me, given me, and my expression in connecting about my troubles with others, there was always an urge to redeem And urge to complete the circle, end on a high note, cue my inevitable success in overcoming, or forgiving What would it look like if I believed I am whole and complete and innocent? There is a power in allowing each utterance, each expression of pain and unhappiness be whole unto itself. Leave it there. If for a moment, without remedy Through feeling we ground. I’ve cleared so much. Liberated myself from a lot of pain. Alchemising generations of trauma. Addressing, purging, transforming patterns. I stood in the storm and felt it all. Extended my heart, pulsing, purifying, willing. I took on the projections and pain of others. Made a martyr of myself. Had to aclimatise to rapid shifts and fallen towers. I have ‘won’… Over the inflicted demands and embedded voices tugging on me to ‘do something more’ I am one and one is enough of me. Body has integrated external projections. Through daring to touch the deepest cuts She is unstoppable. In meeting, staying with herself She is untakeable Her love is untameable Unreduceable to shame and trying Eye, win. 🍃

[anaranatalia]

fertiliser for the soul

If there’s no place for grief There’s no room for joy 💕 Our nervous systems are wired for connection. It’s how we process energy. Transmute heavy into light. Keep our internal rivers flowing clean. Maintain a sense of trust and fulfillment in our communities. Being able to relate healthily means accessing our grief. It’s fertiliser for the soul.

[anaranatalia]

beltaine & burdens

When Sabrina suggested our first Grief Workshop date be May 1st I did hesitate for a minute. 

Beltaine fire, brightness, heart opening joy & fertility…

Grief can press down on our bodies. Literally weighted down, our life force suppressed. 𝙂𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙛/ 𝙜𝙧𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙩𝙮/ 𝙗𝙪𝙧𝙙𝙚𝙣 Hurts and anger stored away forgotten. We inherit, take on burdens. Do you ever ask how much is yours to bear? How much, what was passed down? We have the choice to see where we might be carrying others’ emotional responsibilities. We get to take that weight off our backs. Relax the holding patterns of our physiologies keeping emotions stored away. Reveal the fire within that got rained on. That we got used to keeping a small burn. Freeing our space to let life move us according to our alignment. Taking our place. Space to breathe, space to move, dream and play our own way. Jump over fires and dream a new dream.

[anaranatalia]

things to do when you’re being replanted in the world...

Repotting plants at my mum’s is one of my favourite things to do. Speaking lovingly to their roots, adding a crystal here and there Asking them what they need or where they’d like to be if they’re not happy Allowing new companions like nettles and tree seeds that find their way into existing pots 🥰 #Things to do when you’re being replanted in the world.

[anaranatalia]

entanglement munchies

Healing others without our roots down is a recipe for entanglement 🌳 ((( Thought it was time for some meme munchies..))) As we mature on our healing journey, we realise there is no one to save but ourselves. (Which is what we always ever trying to do anyway) Tending to our own fields, rather than focusing on 'how to help others', means that all our fields get to flourish and become healthy spaces for ourselves and others to share, and thrive in. We step out of the child protecting mum and dad to protect themselves, and into bringing that energy HOME and moving beyond, (and including) protection, into growth. Communication becomes attuned and connected deeply to the truth of our selves, bringing about empowerment and support of the individual. Each individual growing clear, organic fields of life where all our inner children can play and be free again. P.S. it starts with YOU ��

[anaranatalia]

prayer to purify

As I sit here I call on my inner flame To burn brightly To fill this sacred space And beyond and Make it holy With each breath To purify Let go what isn’t I Receive support aligned With heart My highest, brightest ancestors Let’s make this start