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Straight Bars, Empty Nights

Lately, I’ve been spending time with two genuinely funny guys. They’re the kind of friends who make nights out feel alive with laughter, and I truly enjoy their company when we go drinking. They’re warm, accepting, and never make me feel out of place for being gay. But still, there’s this undercurrent of loneliness I can’t seem to shake.

Their good-natured mission to find me a guy seems well-intentioned but misses a deeper truth. As many of us in the gay community know, love—or even connection—isn’t that simple. It’s not about just finding “anyone.” And it doesn’t help that we only ever go to straight bars—not because they’d refuse to visit a gay bar, but because, well, there just aren’t any good ones where I live.

So, I slip into their world, straight-passing for the night, sharing the fun and the buzz of the crowd. But by the next morning, I feel hollow, wondering what it was all for. The sleepless nights, the repetitive clubs—it all starts to blur. It’s not that I don’t value our nights out, but it feels like something is missing.

What I really crave is something quieter, more genuine: spending time with them in the daylight, away from the noise of the clubs and the pressure to perform. I guess what truly conflicts me isn’t just the endless cycle of weekends spent drinking—it’s that, in those moments, I feel like I’m never quite myself.

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Oh how you could you lock me up when I'm just a little boy! A little boy did no wrong bur you put away my toys and trains when I didn't do anything anyway! Oh who could have done this to such a little baby like me when I'm so small and sweet I could just sit on your knee! What a sad little fate for a boy such as I, a sad little boy who might shed a cey

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Jennifer Coolidge for Paper Magazine x Google (2021)

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Every Kiss: #56 | 1.24 The Twizzle  

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Portrait of a Young Woman, Jean-Etienne Liotard 

Girl with a Pearl Earring, Johannes Vermeer 

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Have you ever had your bussy lips sucked on

I beg your pardon

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When the memory returns, there is no blood pump to support it, separated by a fine line from reality.

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