anna-no-emma

[anna-no-emma]

Damian has daddy issues in the way boys do (how do i make you proud how do i be you) and Jason has daddy issues in the way girls do (i love you i hate you why did you let me down why couldn't i just be your baby).

[anna-no-emma]

"What did you do on the weekend?"

"My mom is dead on Saturday."

"Dead?"

"Dead."

"Dead? She isn't alive?"

"No."

"...where is your mom now? Is she at your house?"

"No."

"..."

"She's at work. They cut her here and here, she had my brother and me."

"Oh! Did she have a baby on Saturday?"

"No."

"Oh, okay. So who remembers what we did last week?"

[anna-no-emma]

I have so many date ideas. they are hunting me. you may steal some. free me.

-go to the national gallery and tell each other when a painting moves you deeply. tell each other what we think is happening in each painting - the less realistic the answer, the better.

-go to the library and pick out random books and read a passage to each other on the page it falls on. decide what is happening in the book based on that passage - the stupider the answer the better

-go to the park, take a stroll and then play uno. you may share a weak-ish edible if you so wish.

-go to a local coffee shop, buy a coffee and play bananagram.

-take the bus to a local lunch spot and write each other little notes and some paper with a pen. These notes could be stories you've made up about the other people on the bus, if the notes lend themselves to this, re-arrange the notes into a nonsensical narrative post-date.

[anna-no-emma]

special shout out to the guy who made me feel so special that he irreparably raised my standards but then he fucked around so hard that he could no longer clear the bar he set. you rewired my brain dude. i hope you and your dog are well but please never talk to me again.

[anna-no-emma]

it's so hard to pick a rat. they're all so cute and hardworking

for the past two years i have been sponsoring a tuberculosis detection rat in tanzania, her name is carolina. she sniffs sputum samples & alerts her handlers when she detects TB. recently she turned 8 & aged out of the program, so they held a retirement party for her & sent me photos.

while carolina moves on to live a life of rest & luxury in the retirement kennels, her role is being passed on to her successor, tamasha. she is 2 years old & was named after the grandmother of one of her handlers.

(with her handler priscus)

here is a description of tamasha:

"Tamasha is also quite playful! She enjoys jumping, climbing, and sometimes does a joyful little dance when placed in the TB evaluation enclosure – as if celebrating her enthusiasm for the work ahead. She’s also a big fan of avocado, her favorite treat for a job well done."

im not afraid to admit that this email made me cry like a stupid baby. you can sponsor your own big beautiful TB- or landmine-detecting rat through APOPO HeroRATS. they send you an update on how your rat is doing each month, including photos.

[anna-no-emma]

Me, helping to sweep up the vampires ashes: Ash Wednesday went hard this year, huh?

Me, Catholic, walking into a Protestant church with no depictions of Mary: where’s my mom

[anna-no-emma]

no uwu-victim Tim around here, but straight up 'i'm going to be the meanest bitch imaginable and pull at every insecurity you've got' Tim and 'my bones that you broke will recover but you, psychologically? you are never getting over the things i'm going to say to you as i go down' Tim

We all love a bratty sassy Tim ❤️

[anna-no-emma]

sometimes i have to remind myself my blebos and blobos and bobos are just dolls in the classroom that everyone's allowed to play with however they want to. like, sure, i wouldn't play like that and this game makes no sense but they aren't my dolls. everyone who wants to play gets a turn. i can't throw a tantrum about how someone else is playing with them, especially when that kid didn't ask me to play too. I must focus on my colouring now, and can play however i want when i have the dolls later.

[anna-no-emma]

so just a reminder that this sneak-him-sedatives-because-he's-sleep-deprived is foul actually. like it's taking away their agency. and imagine if the person slipping them drugs didn't have 'good intentions', we'd be mad. and imagine of the drug slipper had a whack idea of sleep deprivation, like only getting five hours of sleep is dire to them as opposed to just something everyone needs to be vaguely aware of? or the person being slipped drugs was doing something deeply important to them, that possibly has a looming deadline, or they know they just aren't going to be able to finish properly if they take a break right now. And maybe they fully plan, and have put the time aside, to pass out for 24 hours as soon as they don't feel this desperate ache to create?

and you can be like 'oh these are the persons bestest friends who know everything about them and would never do anything to hurt them so it's okay'...then you've clearly never had a bully friend who did know everything about you and used it to belittle you while believing they were helping you. And you both genuinely believed you loved each other.

and can you imagine what being slipped sedatives would do to a person? they'd never trust food or drink again. hell, they'd probably never really go back to trusting you again.

And it is okay if the person is actively hurting themselves or others, as in bodily harm, but then you have to be prepared for them to never really trust you again. it's not going to be 'uwu, thank you so much for helping me, i see the errors of my ways. love you forever and will never look at a drink you give me with suspicion.' it's going to be, at best, 'i understand why you did it, and i probably would have done it too. but jesus christ, why did it have to be you? i'll never really trust you the same, not the way i did before'.

and like the only way this situation is okay is if the person had previously said, while in a balanced headspace, 'hey, if i get to that place where i won't sleep please slip me a sedative' then it's all good. that's fine. but otherwise...what are we doing here?

[anna-no-emma]

favourite dynamic; dick gently gaslighting Jason because Jason's the only batkid who really knew him back then

Jason: you fucking coke snorting manwhore kid-hitting asshole douche

Dick: yes. now make them believe you :)

[anna-no-emma]

'this'll only hurt for a bit right? like it won't always be like this and it'll get better?'

'...no. it's going to hurt forever. but the hurt will start to matter less and less.'

'i don't...that can't be right. how can it not matter?' it has to matter or it's like he never lived. like he wasn't here, like i didn't lo..I...there's something very fucking wrong with you.'

[anna-no-emma]

i mixed up protagonist and antagonist (i have a lit degree) but i actually like it better this way. the troubled antagonist should be a woman actually and she should be a bit of an obsessed freak too, while i'm at it. and the mary sue protag should be a dude who throws his hair up in a messy bun.

so there was a time where i used to write my female antagonists as 19-22 (22 felt a little mature, actually) and the oldest male protagonist i'd set them up with would be 29 and that felt quite scandalous, like daddy vibes. and now i'm 26 and 29 is just my age but with a little more work experience? so now i'm writing characters that are 24-27 and suddenly if i want them to fuck notably but not geriatric-ally older men i have to jump to like 32-35

[anna-no-emma]

the people making the media are tired of genocide and angry at the cruelty happening in their country. the people selling the media will go wherever the money leads them. they will invest in whatever is the most marketable. And they know that there's a large group of angry, tired people who all have wallets in their pockets.

[anna-no-emma]

i mean this in the straightest-bisexual way possible; i want a man to love me they way a woman would. i want to be seen as interesting and fun, i want someone to do all the little shit that makes my life easier but without me having to ask (like hey i went grocery shopping and got all the correct things without having to double check and also bought your favourite snacks without needing to be told what a good boy i am, and i saw your favourite pants were clean so i quickly ironed them for you while i was ironing my shirts), i want someone to look at me and be like yeah, she's my best friend and i would die for her and there is nothing more divine than her mouth, and other women are lovely but they just aren't her.

[anna-no-emma]

i'm 26 and not scared of 30? like i just hope i have a car and that it's paid off by the time i'm 30. the rest i can take it or leave it. like property is never going to happen. having more that like $1000 in savings is something my salary just can't do. and i don't want kids. and a husband...like loving men is just a humiliation ritual that i'm rapidly loosing interest in.

[anna-no-emma]

so there was a time where i used to write my female antagonists as 19-22 (22 felt a little mature, actually) and the oldest male protagonist i'd set them up with would be 29 and that felt quite scandalous, like daddy vibes. and now i'm 26 and 29 is just my age but with a little more work experience? so now i'm writing characters that are 24-27 and suddenly if i want them to fuck notably but not geriatric-ally older men i have to jump to like 32-35

[anna-no-emma]

every time i see something about a private jet, or a giant haul/pr package unboxing i think about about how I buy fast fashion but buy like a dozen pieces for summer and another dozen for winter and then wear it all to rags. And I think about how i only have two water bottles so they can air out on an alternating schedule and avoid mold and how one of them is leaky but i just make a point of keeping her upright. And how i re-use the tinfoil covering my food as like an air fryer liner until it becomes too greasy/ew to keep using. And how i just don't buy cling wrap anymore. And how i'll eat the slight flop food i made so nothing goes to waste. And how i take the bus, mostly out of necessity but still. And it's like stuff millions, if not billions, of us are doing all the time that's just totally undone by max a few thousand people that just don't care.