arson-but-unmedicated

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today is marked by having not enough. not enough time to go pee before catching the bus. not enough money on my bus card. not enough battery on my earbuds and phone. not enough patience for anything today.

[arson-but-unmedicated]

fucking writhing bug. worthless nothing

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im waiting for the bus, ill have til the pnr to decide

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i can go to work and have basically any chemical of my choosing, worlds worst shot ever but itll be a merciful last one

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instead of fixing it i just wallow. i should finally just do it

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im not a good partner

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they're crying because of me, because of how clumsy and thoughtless and careless i am, because of how little i care

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its everything i touch!! i ruin everything and i hurt everybody i love! i cant follow simple instructions and i destroy what is closest to the hearts of my loved ones!!!

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ill never relate to anyone but myself and even then

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they look at me the same way every time. they are wondering how i even became this way. what happened to ruin me. i don't know either

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everything i think of is out of character or doesnt actually work for the story or has themes antithetical to what im trying to do or is stupid and dumb and i only do things when they're funny because i cant come up with anything more complex than the initial idea

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everyone is so much smarter than me. everyone has much better ideas than me. everyone understands things better than me.

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i have cool ideas but they all disintegrate as soon as i want to express them. its maybe a sign that they're not actually as good as i think they are

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my thoughts never come out how i want them to. whenever i speak i get the same concerned look. everyone can't wait until im done stumbling through my surface level observations

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i cant even create anything without it sounding dumb or wrong or out of character

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thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

[arson-but-unmedicated]

men would rather threaten suicide over being asked to be nice instead of going to therapy one time