astrongindependentchild-blog

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

Friends are confusing.

I'm confused with some of my friends.

Izzy. I miss you so bad right now. I just want to cuddle with you all night long because I had been longing for you. You're my best friend, my son, my soulmate in the friend way, my cuddle buddy, my "boyfriend", my "sugar" daddy.. you're almost my everything. I'm confused. Do you really love me? Or is it just me. Please. Before I truly give up on you... please. Give me another chance to believe in you. I want to... but right now. It's hopeless...

Daniel. I'm tired of your shit. Changing your friends just like you change clothes. Who do you think we all are? Am I just your personal assistant in major classes? Is Mimiji just your minor class assistant? Is Hadif just your friend when you need him? What are we to you? Honestly. Everyone is tired with you. EVERYONE THAT USED TO BE SO CLOSE WITH YOU. You're a jerk honestly. A little piece of shit. We sacrificed a lot of things for you and look at what we got in return. Who do you think you are? You small little motherfucker. Honestly go die right now with your cigarettes and alcohol. I don't care. Fuck off. Stop hurting me and my friends anymore.

Jiha. I don't know if you were really sincere in being my friend or did you use me just to get close with Daniel? Is that it? I'm disappointed. Really am. I won't come to your convocation. Go spend your time with Daniel. He is what you want right? You always talk bad about Tini but look who actually cares about me now? It's Tini. Not you anymore. I don't know anymore. Haish.

For now, that's it. The other ba.e boys? They are piece of shit. Except for Aqil. And also Sadiq to some extend. I can't wait to see you guys do your fyp. We'll see how it goes. Remember, karma is a bitch! :D

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

I miss you.

It's been a month since the last time you replied to my text. The last time I saw you was on your birthday. The last time I hold you in my arms was on February.

I miss you so much. I don't know why but lately my body feels cold. My heart especially. All I know is that I had been longing for your wamrth. I wanna hug you as you play with my hair while you talk about all of your interests and problems. I want to randomly hold your hand because I want your attention. I want to tell you that I love you and receive it back in real life. I want to cuddle as we sleep in the cold night because oh boy, your body is warm and comfortable for me. It's just the right thing. Your hand, your body, your warmth- everything. You are just the right thing for me. You are the person I had been searching for. I love you.

I don't know if this love is normal or not but I just want to be with you. I want to stay by your side till the very end of this worthless life of mine because you. You make my life worth for a while. You make me keep on living because I know that I will meet you soon. You make me want to stay alive so that I can be in your embrace and we can cuddle through out the night. You make me feel alive, by just being you.

I don't know if you feel the same way as I am because it will takes you weeks- or even months to reply my texts. I understand you're busy but I am too. Am I that not much of a priority for you that you can't even reply a single text? I don't want you to spend half of your time a day talking to me. I just want constancy. I just want to spend at least once a day on texting to each other once. At least I know you're there. At least I know that I mean something to you. And... at least I know.. that you.. love me. You do right? Because I do. I love you. I love you more than anything I have in this world.

I miss you. It's cold here. Please warm me again with your smile and love because I need it so bad now. I just need you so much because I love you and I miss you.

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

04:07

It's 4am in the morning and I can't sleep. I miss you. I miss you so much. Usually I can contain this feeling but these past few days are different. I just simply miss you.

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

Mixed up thoughts

Today was kinda fun. Hang out with Jiha again after a while. It has been so long since the last time I hang out with her. I mean haish. She was one of my first close friend in UPM.

I haven't study that much for tomorrow exam but I got to sleep before I'll end up crying. This is bad. Sad thoughts are filling me. How can my emotions change so swiftly? This "being replaced" kind of feeling is bad. I don't know anymore. I guess I was not that much of a friend to him that he will no longer rely on me. He used to rely on me, just like how he rely on you now. But oh well. I should not be bitter about this. It's his right and choice to do so. And isn't normal for me to be replaced? Because I got replaced very easily anyway.

On the side note, I miss Izzy. I miss him so much. Hope he could at least reply my text. Not asking much. A text from my son could make my day million times better.

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

Another sad conclusion

I made a conclusion to just remain as your friend. I mean, I guess that's how you are actually. (Or I might be wrong)

But oh well, I chose to believe in you right? And believe I shall. I will believe in everyone and everything.

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

Another sad year

It's almost 2019 and yet here I am, being sad. I am always been overwhelmed with emotions that I can't even control them so much. But 2018 made me able to control my emotions better than before.

The year started out with a little bit of happiness, spending time with my "favourite people" in UPM. Then all the remaining time in the year is a constant state of being happy or being sad. There is no in between.

2018 was fun. Being an MTM. Making new friends. Surviving watikah. Was able to join Bentan and somehow nailed it. Friends showing their support to me. It was kinda exciting and gave a lot of memories.

However, 2018 was also sad. Failed birthday promise, being suicidal and actually cutting myself, a lot of fights and arguments, being treated as an unwanted option and many more.

But, hey maybe there's something that God wanted to teach me. So, I'll be a good boy in 2019. I will be less talkative than before. I will be less annoying to people. Then maybe, they will love me. Haha. I'm sorry to everyone who needs to "layan" me throughout the year, but also thank you. I promise to be a better friend in 2019!

If you still want to be my friend that is.

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

Another sad evening

Accidentally read our old conversation. Man. What happened. How did it go from "I miss you hehe" to "Ouh okay"? How did it go from "You're my best friend" to "idk haha"? How did it go from talking with full emojis to none at all? I don't know.

Was it my fault? I don't know. Was it your fault? I don't think so. Was it all plain lies and mere illusions? I'm not sure anymore. I wish I can ask you. I wish I can talk with you just like the old days. Spending the night talking about anything that crosses our mind without having any limitations but those days are over.

I'm sorry for being such a bad and needy friend. I will slowly walk my way out from your life. I'm sure that will make you feel better and happier right?

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

Another sad day

It happened again. I tried to create a conversation with you but of course you replied half heartedly and ended it there. You are okay talking with everyone else though. I guess you just simply hate me. I wouldn't be surprised if you do but that's kinda sad.

Everyone told me to try to talk with you but I don't think it will work anymore. Talking to you is slowing becoming dull and boring. Talking to you is like having me stabbing my ownself with a knife in the heart. Because you don't even want to talk to me.

You would comfort anyone else but me. You will be saying nice things to people but when it's me, you will be strictly angry. You only talk to me when you don't have anyone else.

I love you. You're like the friend that I had always wished for but I guess that friend wasn't you in the first place. You were friends with me because I was close to that girl right? Man I was used from the start haha. I'm such an idiot for believing you. I guess we will really do end up like King Arthur and Lancelot. That's sad but what can I do. I am no longer important to you. Or I never was.

And another day of crying.

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

Another sad night

I know I'm not that important to you, but still, I am a bit envious.

I mean isn't it nice for someone to dedicate a post for you? Or a tweet. Or even a poem. But heh. Of course I would never ever received anything THAT special.

It is always been me, who wrote things for people. Who cherishes others. It is always been me; who wrote long ass letters for the people I love, who wrote poems so long that it made me tear up when I read it, who took his time to write each one of his feelings into a text message but yeah of course you don't care.

Because you could easily replace me. I am just your friend that you can easily replace. I am not cool. I am not fashionable. I am not smart. I am not a girl. I am just a guy. A guy who loves his friend more that he ever loves himself. He loves them so much that they would question his sexuality and call him gay.

I mean that question doesn't affect me but I can't say that it doesn't make me sad. Friendship between guys is nothing more that talking about tits, porns and games I guess. I guess love and affection is only meant for romantic purposes eh?

I wish I could tell you all of this. But it doesn't matter anymore. You don't care and I'm tired of expressing myself. I'm tired. I'm tired of being treated like shit because apparently I am a guy. Even if I would cut myself open right beside of you, you wouldn't budge because I am not a girl. Even if I die, it won't make you sad. I mean, yay, one less of a burden for you right?

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

You know. It hurts me to see my friends when they are sad. Especially when I can't do anything about it. I swear to God. I wish I have the power to make people happy. It doesn't matter if I have to sacrifice my own happiness for it. If I can make them smile and laugh.. then it's worth it.

[astrongindependentchild-blog]

The Boy

The boy used to be happy. Cheerful and kind. He greeted everyone with a smile. Then suddenly, the boy feels empty. Useless. Worthless. Thus, he lost his pure bright smile.

The boy is now drowning. Drowning in a sea of sadness. And he is alone. The boy shouted and screamed for help. Yet there was no response from the other side.

He keeps on drowning into the vast sea of sadness until he reaches the deepest floor. Now, nobody could ever reach him. Even if they tried to, their voice will never reach him anymore.

But, he is still trying to reach people. Trying so hard to reach the hands of the people he loves. He wants to hold them tight and never let go. Because deep down inside he knows that he is not the only one drowning. Everyone else, including the people he loves, is drowning. Drowning in their own sea of sadness.

That's why he wants to hold them. He wanted so hard to stay beside them. So somehow, the seas will combine with each other and maybe, the pain will slowly disappears.