autisticgremllin

[autisticgremllin]

Batman: Under the Red Hood but Jason is carrying Damian in a baby carrier on his chest the whole time.

literally nothing changes, Jason is just going around his Red Hood business with an infant strapped to his chest and absolutely nobody knows who this child is or why Hood has him.

Bruce doesn't know what to do because?? obviously he wants to make sure this child doesn't get hurt?? but he also has to fight Hood because Hood is still killing people??? so now they're just fighting on rooftops except every now and then they'll awkwardly pause for a few minutes as this random baby starts crying and Red Hood stops shooting so he can gently shush him and rock his body back and forth to lull him back to sleep.

Batman's like “Can't you- can't you just put him down somewhere for a few minutes…?” “?!?! I can't leave a child unsupervised, are you fucking stupid? Jesus Christ no wonder your Robins keep fucking dying.”

“Maybe Nightwing can hold him while we fight...?”

“You think I trust Dick to keep the kid safe? He used to dangle me from the edges of gargoyles by my cape.”

“...JASON?!?!”

*Damian starts crying*

“Oh great Bruce, you fucking woke him up again. Yelling like a moron. Jackass.”

“?!?!!?!?”

[autisticgremllin]

i need help finding a fic

i found the link on here but it wasn't an ao3 link, it was a different website and it was like a choose your own adventure type of thing.

it was about young justice (i think) saving you from a place where they tested on metas and they just unlocked your meta gene before you got saved

i'm pretty sure it was young justice but i could be wrong, it was the team with red robin, kid flash (bart allen), static, black bat (or orphan, i don't remember which title she was using), and beast boy. there might've been others but idk. pretty sure it was the animated version of the team rather then comics, but i have no evidence to back that up

please help me find this, i closed tumble and it was gone and it's driving me crazy.

[autisticgremllin]

I like to think that the Gotham rogues stop using truth serum point blank because the few times the Bats have been exposed to it resulted in roast sessions so brutal a few villains considered checking themselves into Arkham.

Give away secrets? No, unfortunately the Bats just lose their filters and unleash devestating bangers that haunt their foes for months. The psychic damage is not worth using those drugs.

[autisticgremllin]

Smallvillers are Victorian children in that they'd explode if you showed them a spice rack and Gothamites are Victorian children in that they snort six lines before their 16-hour shift at the crime factory

[autisticgremllin]

Jason: *texts dick* theres this dumbass fucking fly in the throes of death ON MY BED dick: ….judt kill it Jason: what kind of heartless bastard would I hve to be to kill a dying fruit fly dick: … dick: the kind that regularly kills real people?????? Jason: but they’re bad people. This thing’s only sin is being a fucking dumbass who made it to where I can’t lay down in bed dick: it’s two am. I’m going to bed. Next time you text me, it better be a real emergency two hours later: Jason: the bitch dead dick: I hate you

[autisticgremllin]

I really do love that Batman is supposed to be this super strict and tough badass who has his rules and doesn’t budge on them for shit; to the point where unless they get express permission, the metas that literally make up his superhero team and closest companions aren’t even allowed to step foot in his city.

and then his kids come along and his entire backbone just falls apart at the seams.

Tim, walking into the cave and interrupting an online JL meeting: sorry just grabbing the bleach!

Bruce, pausing: what do you need bleach for?

Tim: oh, Jason killed another guy and wants help with the cleanup.

Bruce:

The JL, who know Batman as the strict ‘no kill guy’:

Bruce:

Bruce: …but just one? he only killed one, right?

Tim: yeah.

Bruce:

Bruce: bleach is over there

JL: ?!?!?!

-

Superman, video calling Bruce: i know you don’t allow metas in Gotham, but there’s a crossover between a job i’m on in Metropalis and a deal i believe to be going down in Gotham, so i was hoping that-

Bruce: no. send me the case, i’ll sort it. stay out of my city.

Superman: Bruce-

Duke appearing in the background of the call: B! COME LOOK AT THIS SHIT, I FIGURED OUT A NEW WAY TO USE MY POWERS!

Bruce: that’s great, chum! I’ll be right there!

Superman:

-

Batman: I will not have guns in my household.

Damian: you understand that both Pennyworth and Drake have firearms in the manor, correct?

Batman:

The JLA:

Batman: when did Tim get a gun?

Damian: when Todd took him and I to a shooting range and gifted us them.

Batman:

Batman: …you have a gun too?

Damian: i do.

Batman: but not in the manor right?

Damian: of course not.

Batman: oh thank g-

Damian, pulling out a handgun: i keep mine on me

Batman: oh my god-

[autisticgremllin]

Jason had to’ve had a conversation with Cass at some point that was like,

“Yeah it’s like, kinda a lot your mums fault that I ended up dying. Like if she weren’t a lying liar who lied I might’ve lived…”

Cause like, girlie confidently told that 15yr old that she had never been pregnant, and had no children. Homie…you have like, two kids? What????

[autisticgremllin]

I am a sucker for the Tim dresses undercover as like a woman and he's always like the only option but I'm also a huge fan of trans guy Tim.

So I would love a fic where the bats don't know that Tim wasn't assigned male at birth other than maybe Dick because of the photo.

So everyone is trying to convince him to throw on a disguise and he's so uncomfortable and a little pissed off and Dick is like.

Dick: Timmy's are not going back in the closet. Leave tiny tot alone!

Bruce:

Jason:

Damian:

Bruce: What do you mean by that?

Dick: Don't test me Bruce

Tim: Dick I don't think they know?

Dick:

Dick:

Dick: Sure and he doesn't know I'm trans either

Bruce: What!

Jason: what!

Damian: That does make sense considering your name is a genital.

Dick: What why the hell did you always give me tampons if you didn't know?!!!

Bruce: I thought you had a gun shot wound!!

Dick: In my fucking dick??!!?!

[autisticgremllin]

the JL probably stopped thinking that Batman was the greatest detective in the world like, the minute that any of the batkids started getting involved in team missions. they get to watch the Robins run circles around Bruce consistently and without hesitation and i bet they wonder how the fuck they ever thought he was untouchable.

*during a world threatening, all hands on deck emergency*

Batman: everybody understand the plan?

Flash: we’re good to go, on your word.

Batman: then lets get on with it.

Robin, picking up his katana: agreed, let us engage the enemy. and also real quick before we do, i have to tell you that i got suspended from school for two weeks for slamming another student’s head into a table. alright, lets go.

Batman, visibly doing a doubletake: -woah wait hold on, Damian-

Red Robin, scornfull: seriously B? you’re gonna get distracted and let THOUSANDS of people die, because of that little tidbit? what, and now i guess you’re gonna freak out because i got a DUI a few days ago?

Batman: YOU GOT A DUI-?

Robin: father, honestly, priorities.

Batman: i- uh-

The rest of the league, exchanging blank looks:

*massive explosion*

Batman: um- OK WE HAVE TO GO BUT WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER-

*after the fight, ten hours later, everybody is exhausted and covered in blood and dust*

Batman, wrapping gauze around Robin’s wrist: i… feel like there was something i was going to say earlier. regarding you.

The league, watching the Robins stay completely silent:

Red Hood, without blinking: yeah old man, you promised us all that you’d buy pizza on the way back to Gotham.

Batman: …i don’t remember saying th-

Nightwing: fucking course you don’t. first you forget to tell me my little brother dies until after his funeral, now you forget to feed me. are you gonna forget to invite me over for game night, too?

Batman:

Robin: *silently making an ‘a-ok’ gesture behind Bruce’s back*

Batman: …right. yeah. that must have been it. we’ll get pizza ordered to the manor.

Superman, leaning over to Green Arrow: do you think he’ll be ok alone with them? they’re kinda mean

Green Arrow: no i knew that man in college. he brought this on himself.

[autisticgremllin]

Stephanie doesn't really consider any of the batfam her "brothers" or "sisters" in a traditional sense.

Except for Damian. That's her little bro.

He's the only one that can (and will) call her a bitch without get his ass kicked, only a very intense noogie.

Likewise, she's one of the only people he lets himself do kiddy things around. Mostly because she gets into it. Like if they're going some where and it has those cheesy boards with face holes carved in so it looks like you're doing something stupid. She'll be the one to hand Damian her phone and be like "take a pic of me and I'll do you!"

Or like if they're at an event and there's a face paint booth, she will race him to get inline first. And Bruce and Dick will be like "oh wow Steph, you're really good at getting Damian to relax and be a kid for once." and she's standing there with her face painted like spider man like, "... yes... that's why I nearly trampled a child to get in line... for Damian..."

Damian gets his face painted like a tiger.

[autisticgremllin]

bruce wayne: we're going undercover for this one—

dick grayson: ooh, wait, we should come up with backstories!!

jason todd: no, we really shouldn't—

dick grayson: I'll be ... richard silverman, a twenty-six-year-old botanist who moonlights as a waiter to make ends meet for myself and my two dogs at home.

jason todd: dude, no—

dick grayson: actually, screw the waiter thing, I'll say that I'm an exotic dancer instead. that way I have an explanation for my flexibility.

jason todd: absolutely not—

dick grayson: and if anyone asks, make sure to tell them that I don't do private shows ... at least not since my former-lover nikolas ruined me for anyone else and left me for another.

jason todd: ... *sighs*

jason todd: fine, I'll be ... joziah, the one who stole nikolas from you.

dick grayson: *lets out a horrified gasp*

bruce wayne: *leaves*

[autisticgremllin]

“Steph’s basically their sibling and Bruce is basically her dad!” I dare you to say that Stephanie Brown’s face.

[autisticgremllin]

silly little sketch of athena dealing with a young lovestruck odysseus

Edit: i made a part 2 (sorta)

[autisticgremllin]

five nights at freddy's 3, but instead of the audio lures being balloon boy sounds, the sounds you use to lure springtrap are "father, it's me, michael" and "daddy, why won't you let me play with her?"

[autisticgremllin]

Dick decides to pull a prank on Red Hood, as (in my head) he is a fan of Star Wars, and particularly of the Clones.

So he meticulously created a clone armor, and a helmet too, to replace it with Red Hood's costume. Obviously he made it so it's not a life threatening prank.

But yeah, someday Jay wakes up, and finds the clone armor and helmet in his living room. He's happy about it, he thinks it's a gift made by one of his brothers.

He stops being happy about it when he discover he can't find any of his suits, not even those in his safe houses. The realization dawn on him. He goes and inspects the armor. It's actually functional.

And it's not like he's got a choice either. Gotham is a mess on that day, he's needed. So Jason begrudgingly put it on. And he decides to play the game fully. He activates the comms connecting him to the Batfamily. And then he realizes most of his gear (the guns mostly) has been replaced by copies of blasters. Functional too, but non lethal.

Jason : CT-7678, I heard I was needed somewhere.

Dick : *Wheeze*

Bruce : Red hood ? What are you on about ?

Dick : *Still laughing*

Jason : My name is CT-7668, General Batman, address me as such. But I was talking to Oracle.

Babs, who's been told by Dick about it, laughing too : "Alright CT-7668, there's a bank robbery we need ya to take care of. Sending you the coordi-"

Jason : "FOR THE REPUBLIC !!"

Dick : *Absolutely losing it*

Babs : *Starting to lose it too* Tim will be joining you to help.

Bruce tries to get an explanation out of the two but nothing. He just get told he'd understand later. Red hood find Tim at the ongoing robbery, waiting for him, preparing a plan. He freezes when he sees Jason. Keep in mind, the coms are still on.

Tim : "So you forgot to wash all your spare suit and decided to cosplay a friggin clone ?"

Jason : "Typical shinies to criticize the veterans. I am a soldier of the republic. What are the orders ?"

Dick, over the com : *Laugh again. Gunshots ensue.* "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK !"

Jason : "Did you just... Blew your cover ?"

Dick : "YEP I NEED BACKUP"

Jason : "That reminds me of a long time ago, in a galaxy far away... The clone wars was WILD dude."

Tim : "Hey ! Robbery, ongoing?"

Jason : "Forgive me commander. What are the orders!"

Ensue them stopping and arresting the robbers. A lot of people take photos of Red Hood as a clone. Batman isn't really happy about the prank, but he can't say anything about it. After that, Dick gives back his suits to Jason. They laugh about it together while watching the hashtag "CloneinGotham" go wild.

[autisticgremllin]

Headcannon that the reason Dick Grayson’s name is Dick of all things is because he has a speech impediment and it was the only variation of Richard he was able to pronounce correctly as a child

And yes this does mean that he introduced himself to all of the Gotham rouges as, “Wobin” when he first showed up in the vigilante scene

[autisticgremllin]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 2

*Damian and Jason, four hours into a stakeout*

Damian: Jay, hand me the mango pieces.

Jason: *plastic crinkling* ayyy, I’m Jason again!

Damian: *snorts*

Jason: what was with that, by the way? I just showed up in Gotham and found you referring to everyone like they’re your professor. Like, that’s not a ‘you’ thing, I don’t know why you started doing that.

*audible chewing noises*

Damian: do you want the genuine honest answer?

Jason: please god do tell

Damian: so- and you aren’t allowed to laugh. but when I first came to Gotham and I showed up at the manor, father obviously had to give me a tour of the place, right?

Jason: yeah.

Damian: and they wanted to do a DNA test to check that my mother wasn’t pulling a fast one by claiming my birthright, so the first place he showed me was the cave, which was also where Tim was.

Jason: *hums*

Damian: and you know that place- the first time you went to the cave, it was wild, right?

Jason: oh, like walking into the tardis for the first time. insane.

Damian: exactly. all high-tech and shit, and I’d just come from the desert compound I’d spent my entire life in- like, my first time going into the kitchen at the manor I saw Alfred loading the dishwasher and my first thought was ‘oh my god what the fuck kind of machine is that-‘

Jason: *abrupt cackle*

Damian: -so the fucking cave for the first time? as a little desert-boy ten year old? I was a little distracted,

Jason, chuckling slightly: ok, fair,

Damian: and so I’m zoned the fuck out, looking around this cave and not paying attention to anything father’s saying, and then I finally tune back in just to hear the words ‘-ackson drake’ while he like, tries to introduce me to Tim.

Jason: *slowly starts laughing again*

Damian, raising his voice to be heard over Jason’s increasing beats of laughter: -and so I’m fucking standing there, ten years old, no clue what this kid’s first name is, and everybody’s looking at me like I’m supposed to be the one fucking talking right now, and ALL I can think of is my mother, who before she shipped me off to Gotham completely alone kept fucking telling me ‘Damian you have to be strong and show that you deserve to be the Batman’s blood son. show no weakness and take the mantle you were born to have; show no fucking hesitance.’, so I’M panicking,

Jason, still cackling: *a clap* NO I DO- I DO REMEMBER, LIKE, BACK IN THE LEAGUE-, holy shit back in the league when your only coping mechanism for not knowing the fuck was going on around you, was literally just to pretend you knew what the fuck was going on around you and bullshit till you make it,

Damian: WELL IT WAS LIKE THE ONLY FUCKING THING MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME-

Jason, through tears: -that’s why I didn’t say shit when I came back to Gotham and found you fucking, doing all this blood son bullshit! You started calling me Todd and speaking in old english and I was just like ‘bless him he’s terrified, just leave him be’

Damian: *cackles* and I did- I did appreciate you going along with it, because back when this happened I panicked and just started calling Tim ‘Drake’ because I was too embarrassed to ask him for his first name, and then by the time I heard somebody else call him Tim in passing, everybody had just assumed this was a thing I did. and I was too socially awkward to clear it up and switch back, so I just had to stick to Drake.

Jason: *wheeze* a-and Grayson?

Damian: well at first I just went along with the surname thing out of awkwardness, but then I’d gone too deep and I had no way out- AND THEN- and then Batman fucking died-

Jason: *wheeze*

Damian: -and I went from being parented by the gymnastics version of the dark lord to being gentle-parented by fucking Nightwing-

Jason, choking: holy- holy shit-

Damian: do you know what it’s like to go from *gruff voice* ‘Damian we don’t fucking kill, give me the katana or I’ll put you in Arkham’ to *high pitched, sweet voice* ‘oh hey Dames, obviously I can’t stop you from killing but I really would appreciate it if we discussed all our options and came to a mature decision together on what’s best in this scenario-‘

Jason: *crying, silent wheezes*

Damian: so DURING all this I’m trying to subtly switch back to using peoples actual names, except it fucking backfired because people just assumed I was calling Richard Richard because we had that special parental mentor bond, and Tim had pissed off to- whatever he was doing in the desert for six months- getting a hysterectomy or whatever the fuck happened-

Jason, amused: hysterectomy- he lost a spleen, Dames

Damian: well whatever happened he wasn’t AROUND for me to shift to calling him Tim! and when father was back I’d made no progress and was back to square one, except this time I was stuck calling one brother Richard and the other Drake!

Jason, still laughing: and this is where I came in?

Damian: I felt BAD! I’d already taken Robin from the guy, I didn’t want him to feel like he was lesser of a brother to me than Richard. So I demoted you to Todd so he wouldn’t feel alone.

Jason: very thoughtful.

Jason: we should probably get you a therapist, dude. I think everybody forgets that when you showed up you were literally just a very confused immigrant child with no experience of normal social interaction apart from me at the league.

Damian: oh I was like, 60% into an anxiety attack consistently for the first two years I was in the city.

Jason: *snorts*

Damian: the first time I was left alone with Tim we were in the kitchen and he said ‘do you want wifi?’ and, y’no, coming from the league, barely any tech and the only normality was the concept of fighting to the death over everything, MY instinctual ten-year-old thought was ‘oh shit, wifi must be slang for brawl here, we’re about to fight’-

Jason: *laughter* you’re fucking kidding

Damian: -so I’m like, so be it, and I say ‘come on then’ and get ready to start punching, only for him to turn around and grab a piece of card stuck to the fridge and hold it out to me,

Jason: *cackles*

Damian: and he goes ‘here’s the password so you can connect, I’m assuming you have a phone or something’-which I fucking didn’t by the way, my mother gave me a shitty flip-phone to call her in emergencies but it didn’t use wifi-, and he’s holding it out to me and I had to like, subtly shift my posture out of the defensive position I’d been in-,

Jason, delirious from laughter: this is the fucking best. thing.

Damian: -and I take it from him, and he gives me this weird look like he has no idea how to communicate with me, and I was just like ‘shit I might have to kill this one, it’s the only way to get out of this interaction’.

Jason: *wheeze* if we go through the timeline, every murder attempt on Tim’s life has just been an occasion where you’ve felt socially awkward and didn’t see any other way out of conversation,

Damian: pretty much, yeah. I should have been on xanax for those first few years.

Jason: stories from your first years in Gotham are my favourite thing in the world.

*a few silent beats*

Tim: are you telling me I’ve been stuck as Drake for YEARS all because Damian’s fucking scared of social interaction?!

*crashing sound*

Jason: HOLY FUCK-

Damian: OH MY GOD I FORGOT WE WERE CONNECTED TO THE MAIN LINE-