ax-haling-blog

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Hunger For What I Can’t Have

Ugh - Why why why do humans crave things they are forbidden to have?  Diabetics craving real sugar in their treats.  Addicts craving just one more hit but have been sober for five years.  A human that you cannot touch due to current situation(s). 

I go hot and cold with him.  At times I desire him and at times he revolts me. I wish things could go back to before the situation   If he would have just minded his Ps and Qs but no -- he has loose lips.  What he said meant no harm and was possibly misheard by my person.   I can’t seem to bring the situation up with my person to verify what was heard. I have been told what had been said by the originator but I cannot recall now exactly what my person said that they heard. They brought it up a second time about two months later but not again since then.  It’s gnawing at me. I want to set the record straight but perhaps it has been straight since the beginning and my person is offended nonetheless.  But, if what they heard was incorrect - I want to correct it.  But why open a wound that has perhaps been healing already? Ugh. 

The other recently got their panties in a bunch about something sooo normal as to ask their spouse about their day job. So, I’ve been pissed for about a week or two now.  The only way to chill my piss would be for them to reach out in a normal fashion.  Until then, I am not going to start any conversation. Not the silent treatment per se as we don’t regularly communicate but we did communicate here and there.  I am going to be there until they are here. 

[ax-haling-blog]

Started reading this book this week after hearing Christopher Ryan on a Podcast.  Very interesting concept.  

“Ryan and Jethá's central contention is that human beings evolved in egalitarian groups that shared food, child care, and, often, sexual partners. Weaving together convergent, frequently overlooked evidence from anthropology, archaeology, primatology, anatomy, and psychosexuality, the authors show how far from human nature monogamy really is. Human beings everywhere and in every era have confronted the same familiar, intimate situations in surprisingly different ways. The authors expose the ancient roots of human sexuality while pointing toward a more optimistic future illuminated by our innate capacities for love, cooperation, and generosity.“

[ax-haling-blog]

Missing Him

I miss him.

It’s like we broke up yet we never dated.

We’re both married.

Our late night texts were exciting.

I was finally getting over missing him but then he texted out of the blue with normal everyday things and now I long for the old ways.

I sent him a secretive note by mail. I sent it to another post office very far from me and asked that Post Master to forward along the next stamped envelope to the final address. His work address. I originally had something typed up two months ago but changed my mind. I copied the song lyrics from the Caro Enerald song called, That Man.

He’s got his own mental shit going on. We kinda had a near miss that day back in March. I know he’s trying to get better and our plain relationship is healthier for him. It was healthier for me too but these simple texts are just a carrot dangling me to follow along deeper. Now I’m craving him.

We never kissed or held hands. It was very intimate on a discussion level.

Before we both had our most recent mental breakdowns I had sent him a cleavage shot (no nipple) of myself. He never commented directly. I never said anything. I think we were both shocked I did that.

My husband is in bed.

I feel like a cheater. I feel like I’m playing with Fire. I feel guilty. I feel shame. I also just want to be fucked well and his imagery often helps me get there.

I’d like to have a threesome with my husband and another human whom I don’t know. Female or male. It makes no difference.

[ax-haling-blog]

Most of the events take place in the UK but some in NYC too.  I’m happily married but I really want to do this. I want to explore my sexual possibilities.  Learn some new tricks.  My husband doesn’t even want a threesome with a second woman besides me.  Bummer.  I’d do either combo of threesome so long as there is one cock in the scenario and a nice strap on.  My sexual fulfillment is what I crave and desire.  I want to bring it back to our bedroom. 

[ax-haling-blog]

Fluctuations

It’s amazing how the fluctuating hormones in a female body can affect soo many other chemical reactions happening inside our bodies.  Thought processes change.  Food cravings change.  Sexual desires change. There are a few days each month that I’m absolutely obsessed with sexual desire. I can’t stop fantasizing and thinking about it.  I almost need to bring a vibrator to work to ease off the edge so I can think clearly again about spreadsheets.  Pharmaceutical effectiveness changes. It’s absolutely fascinating. I really want to offer myself for medical research so that more can be understood about our daily hormonal changes and all that I said above. 

[ax-haling-blog]

I’m ready for the weekend.  My toy is charged.  My stash of wine and CBD is ready. I did not intend this photo to be sooo large. Wow. 

[ax-haling-blog]

Why I call myself Ax

I started referring to myself as Ax when I had a complete mental break down earlier this year and I felt like I was falling off my axis. I needed a place where I could be free of social norms. Where I could be my own kind of freak and no one knows me.  

My family and friends are also probably freaks too but I’d rather not expose my inner core to them.  I feel shame and fear criticism and abandonment. But my inner goddess and my inner vixen are longing to share themselves - just to myself mostly but also perhaps to voyeurs if they so wish to follow my narrative.  

I welcome true, real and kind people to join my inner circle of anonymity. Interactive and intimate conversations to help dive deeper into ourselves. To encourage the inner freak - allow it to be free and perhaps freeing ourselves in our day to day lives as well. A release. A safe place. Not only exploring sexuality but also inner demons that are not for polite company. I am open and supportive to all loving and kind humans.  I support the down trodden - the unfortunate.  

[ax-haling-blog]

It’s the PEA (phenylethylamine) in cheese and chocolate that give the feeling of that hormonal rush during sexual intercourse.

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Sharing to remind myself to listen to this one. I may be in my late 40s but my sexuality is just awakening and I’m excited to learn more and enjoy my sexual life to it’s fullest. 

[ax-haling-blog]

Polyamorous

It seems to me that the polyamorous lifestyle is gaining steam in modern life -- though this article is already five years old! 

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/07/multiple-lovers-no-jealousy/374697/