battlngsunlight

[battlngsunlight]

and you said: i was a fantasy but in reality, life’s not a movie, it isn’t just make believe and you made me believe this wasn’t a fallacy, so i failed to see the way things were spiraling out of control and you’re in the driver’s seat, i have a deep seeded fear for the way you uprooted me, i was a flower in need of some watering, the watered down truth is you couldn’t have cared for me i tend to think of you often but you can’t remember me, i forget how this started, i remember everything, you called me your crush, you just wanted to crush me, was it part of the rush, did i mean anything? i was a fantasy but in reality, i was a flower in need of some watering, life’s not a movie, it isn’t just make believe, i have a deep seeded fear for the way you uprooted me, i forget how this started, i remember everything, the watered down truth is you couldn’t have cared for me.

[battlngsunlight]

i thought of you splattered across a pavement far more broken than what had just become of you and in that moment i became the tarry particles that held your aftermath, all too aware of how heavy a soul can weigh, even dismantled. i thought of you strapped to a gurney hovering over what was left of everything you never amounted to, of everything you could never hold as close as the bottle that aided you, so backhandedly, in your time of need and in that moment i became the wind being chopped into slivers by giant propellers just to hold you upright (and in order to heal, you sliced through me and i, through you). i thought of you sprawled lifelessly upon cool, white sheets, heart thumping in rhythm to machines and the steady drip of medicine lulling you to sleep and in that moment i became a dream inside of a dream, of a little girl twirling, colorfully, illuminated by the gleam of a youthful sun, and i was trapped beneath the impenetrable glass of a comatose state, awake but asleep but awake and i knew what it was to exist without being alive. and i knew what it was to become a prisoner to a mind.

[battlngsunlight]

Loneliness sets in like a fog at dawn I am no beacon, just a porch light you forgot you left on and I shine just bright enough so you can see where you went wrong Seems I’ve been burning forever but I’m not sure how long.

[battlngsunlight]

above, the buzzards circle nebulous blots of ink mar the azure sky white and bony, a sycamore contorts its body, twisting limbs, to offer bare palms over steely river an eagle, still juvenile, fights a strong punch of wind to perch there a kingfisher, streaking blue shrieks downstream hungry, i devour every last detail, hopeful to digest the beauty, to store these moments safely in the folds of my memory to be a flashlight in the tunnels of sorrow, to keep me company in the winters of loneliness.

[battlngsunlight]

and there you stood; on the other side of agony, the other side of loss, those heavy wooden doors i had to bust open, had to give all that i got, after tunneling through heaps of despair, packed tight and higher than the eye could see, with a blistering cold and sorrowful wind whipping fiercely across my cheek, yet for all the terrors and the frights, all the nightmares and the ghouls, for the many times i nearly dove delirious into the harrowing pools of depression like the sirens of pain beckoned me to do, for all the courage and the strength i had to magically pull out of thin air, all the times i had to saw myself in half but found a way to still stand there, for all the minefields and the mazes, all the chaos and the calamity, and for every last thing i had to do, it was well worth the wild ride that led me here to you.

[battlngsunlight]

life flashes before your eyes when you’re struck with love, when you’re struck with loss everything gets amplified, everything rushes to a halt strange how the best and worst things to encounter elicit the same response two sides of a coin, it’s just a matter of how it lands after the toss.

[battlngsunlight]

we sat on our shoes as the sun slowly dipped further and further into the ocean and watched the orange course through the waves as they collapsed in a heavy sigh on the shore before us- a lone sandpiper skittered by, scavenging for dinner and i remember us pointing and marveling at his quickness- out on the horizon, a pod of pelicans flew single file right through the blood of the setting sun, the tips of their wings hovering just inches above the crimson water- and in those fleeting moments, everything felt possible, and in those fleeting moments, everything felt infinite and free, and in those fleeting moments, i looked at you, and in those fleeting moments, i saw forever looking back at me.

[battlngsunlight]

in the lilt of the birdsong, beneath a canopy of budding trees in the wake of a heartless winter i imagine you’re here with me in the sweet scent of magnolia floating in on a subtle breeze in the hammering of the woodpecker could’ve sworn i heard you speak this kind of love will do that, kind’ll bring you to your knees make you look to the sky like heaven, hoping that it never leaves in the twilight blue of evening, tufts of cloud turn pink and bright i know soon time will tell me everything’s going to be alright this kind of love will do that, kind’ll bring you to your knees make you look to the sky like heaven, hoping that it never leaves the setting sun’s coughing up its colors to give way to the pitch of night i know soon time will tell me everything’s going to be alright this kind of love will do that how i hope it never leaves.

[battlngsunlight]

fireball in the sky is the sun tonight i stare at it through the kitchen window, let it blind my sight it leaves a gaping wound in its wake as it gives way to twilight the clouds become a collective bruise that will soon bleed into night i am reminded of last i was touched by loss, when the birds were all singing and the spring was spring springing, but you were not i am reminded of first i was touched by loss every light was green, every sky was blue, every tree had leaves, every flower, blooms but you, you i had not my reflection stares back at me as outside darkness exudes it is just me and the light in this room but i feel you both breathing in the margins of my mind it’s like you’re here with me all of the time.

[battlngsunlight]

there was no sign of the sun as we navigated our way down the streets of Nashville chubby raindrops dribbled off the chins of grey clouds above and onto our heads, yet the sidewalks still flowed with schools of people both coming and going, both fast and slow, some donning raincoats, some umbrellas, others were packed like sardines in every bar we peered into and in each one, hungry artists pled their case behind their microphones and guitars, their voices sailing out, desperate to reach the ears of passersby, the back of your hand bumped into the back of mine and our fingers instantly laced together, such a simple touch yet it carried enough voltage to jumpstart my heart and for a split second everything paused around us, I turned my head in slow motion and saw you standing there beside me, you looked just like forever and as time slowly caught back up to itself, the way it always does again, the people poured by and the cars swam by and the music continued to spill all over everything, and I found myself walking hand in hand beside you thinking in repetition, through all the commotion, please, don’t let this be a mirage.

[battlngsunlight]

time is a train that keeps barreling past fear, the deer stuck dead in its tracks, love is a warning from the horn when it blows i’ve seen this a few times, so i know how it goes.

[battlngsunlight]

sleep naked in antarctica, call home hypothermia, maybe she will wrap you in her cold armed exposure, lull you off into febrile dormancy, maybe she will keep- maybe she will keep you to herself and as snow drifting into delusion, you are diluted, a fluid movement, the encroachment of mortality swarming evanescent irises and she is osiris’s never daughter and you love her, and you love her, for bearing witness to the truth that even the richest essences grow faint.

[battlngsunlight]

to love you is to walk the plank, blindfolded, without a lifejacket into the writhing arms of a vortex and let it drag me down and I love you, so I drown. to love you is to jump off a cliff, headfirst, without a parachute into the gnashing mouth of an abyss and let it eat me alive and I love you, so I dive. so, I dive. and I love you, so I dive.

[battlngsunlight]

we were on top of the city it lay sprawled out beside us her eyes were like windows reflecting the bright lights back to me, brilliant as stars in the pitch-black sky out in the country, and i found myself lost in that bustling restaurant, in spite of the interruptions by the charismatic server or the boisterous conversation from the table behind us, i was on top of the world it sat bewitchingly before me her eyes were like windows reflecting the love in mine back to me, and i found myself lost as luck oozed on the floor from the ceiling, euphoria struck me like an epiphany and went dancing up my spine, strange how i wasn’t looking for love but it found me this time.

[battlngsunlight]

morning dewdrop soft you are sweet like honeydew how love consumes me.

[battlngsunlight]

I was the window you snuck into guess I wasn’t all that foolproof, guess I should’ve seen you coming, guess I should’ve caught you peering through the glass. I just stared back. And when you boldly pried me open, guess I wasn’t that outspoken, guess I should’ve known then, guess I probably should’ve fought back, Instead, you just slunk past. And maybe you went undetected into a house you had no home in, rifled through rooms that were never truly yours, and maybe you laid the groundwork to what would soon upend this just to turn around and point your fingers when the truth blew off the doors. See, truth is sometimes slippery, sometimes it is hard to get your hands on, sometimes it will wriggle itself free from your grasp. Truth is something you knew before you know it, truth is something you must cut wide open and be willing to see the answer even when it isn’t being asked. Guess I should’ve seen you coming, guess I should’ve caught you peering through the glass. You just slunk past.

[battlngsunlight]

the gibbous moon glared down the nose of the navy black morning and into the kitchen window where i stood and watched you move in slow, fluid movements, seamless as a steady summer rain, as you poured water from the kettle over your tea leaves, and the steam from the mug rose just high enough to greet you, like fog lifting off the river to meet the promise of a new day, a smile bloomed on my face as you shuffled all around me, caught in the cadence of your routine, the beat both comforting and familiar, the very essence of you, my favorite melody to get lost in, composed of moments spent witnessing you exist, effortlessly beautiful, watching you so simply be the answer to a question i didn’t know i was asking.