belowstandrd

[belowstandrd]

i keep wishing you were someone new because they would probably give me more attention :/

[belowstandrd]

aaaaahhhhhhhh

hi im back i dont know whats going on with myself all i know is that i conflicted inside and it literally feels like a ball of yarn knotted up inside my chest. i think ive needed to sort this out for a very long time, like at least a few months, but i keep pushing it back and really understanding whats going on with me and how im feeling.

um i dont know my head says break up and i feel like thats what ive been wanting to do for the past few weeks, but my hearts says no dont break up. but also a part of my logical brain says no because of all the good moments and the GENUINE connection we have - its so good and it makes me so sad to cut that off so i really hope if we do break up that we still remain best friends.but im also crying now thinking about breaking up. AAAHHH i dont know

but it feels like weve been dealing with the same thing for months, but i guess i come up with another reason every time. the real problem i think is that hes not TALKING to me how i want, and the level of effort im wanting - i want meaningful messages and romantic kinda energy, messages that show me he thinks about me and loves me bc i need that kind of reassurance and security. i think i've been doing a lot in terms of messaging him first and initiating convos, and i guess in a lot of aspects. by nature hes very caring and loving, but he just doesnt show it and he doesn't let me know how hes feeling. a lot of the reasons why i sometimes i become insensitive and send mean messages is to evoke him to reply to me, because he never opens up to me and tells me how he feels, so when im mean i sorta push the boundary to see if he'll react but he doesnt really so i keep going. it also feels like because he isn't reacting like i expect him to - like arguing back - it makes me feel like hes not paying attention to what im saying or my messages, like hes not grapsing the full meaning of my messages, like as if he just glanced at it and didnt really care. because if someone i cared for said some means things to me i would be very hurt and try to argue back and prove it wrong with a lot of effort, but i dont see that from him??? he just keeps apologising and saying he will do better - that line has sort of become like an excuse is how i see it, because hes not arguing back hes just accepting it and saying that line because he just isn't that bothered ???!!!! and i also dont like how this relationship has just been me unhappy and him doing what i tell him to do to make me happy, i get that he tries really hard to make me happy but its the fact that i have to tell him what to do and so everything feels like hes doing it just because i tell him to. its sorta annoying how he can;t really think for himself?

it feels like a constant loop of me being unhappy, him apoligising and saying he'll do better next time and i just have to accept it and hope he'll change.and at this point im already impatient so rn i feel so exhausted and have no patience because it feels like this has been happening for so long and the main issue i have isnt being solved even though he has made improvements to other things. i think its just the 1 thing that is bothering me.

i feel like my patience has already been worn down by my past relationships and ive just gotten used to being let down and im SICK OF IT. in theory he sounds amazing, but i think its the fact that he promised that he would show me how im supposed to be properly treated. we obviously have different meanings of high standard.

anyways just had the biggest realisation - totally changed my mood- BUT guys who play league arent fucking men. like out of all the things they could be doing, thats what they choose. and raves are just a secret gathering of league players basically. so at this point all the guys i know are just boys.and the fact that boys think talking to us everyday and listening to us is treating us good. men rly aint shit.anyways im over this, he can read this and see what he thinks. if we end up breaking up, i know my heart will be broken, but it is what it is and just remember men aint shit - like if hes not giving you what you want or expect then he is not worth your time, you shouldnt have to stay out of obligation or just to be fair. because he isn't what i expected, it is really deteriorating me and how i contribute to this relationship - if i was happier, i would be a lot more loving and treating him better than i already am. i think i need to find respect for him, and he needs to learn how to communicate and open up. and i think i need to share more of what ive been listening to/watching so we can have something to talk about - but i always feel so annoyed when i talk to him about these things bc i feel like its the not important and maybe that goes back to the lack of respect thing.

i know its hard for him to open up, and ive tried to be patient for so long, hes told me somethings, but i feel like it should be easier for him now that we have been together for a year, but i guess i shouldnt push him. but its sorta unfair that i so easily share what im feeling/thinking to him - but maybe i need to filter that to stop hurting him ???

[belowstandrd]

I miss you so much

[belowstandrd]

Hi cute boy,

You have such a caring soul, I have never met any as caring as you.

I'm just so confused how you're able to help others, even if it's from a far, yet be unable to accept help from others and me.

You shouldn't feel like you have to deal with on your own just because you say you're selfless.

Regarding you thinking you're not going to be able to support me in the future - why do you have to think so far into the future. Just work on the problems at hand, and I can SUPPORT YOU - that's what this relationship is for

And sorry for being so demanding and abrupt about needing your support. I should be more mindful that you're not as spontaneous?? As me?? Like I wasn't thinking about it from your perspective. I have to admit, too many times when I'm moody and just want attention, I just wait until you do the thing I want and just some how expect you to guess and deliver. I feel like I need to do some growing too and learn to be more independent. Because I feel like I've gotten too comfortable too quickly. Its something I'm actively trying to do right now. In saying so, I would do things differently now - i just require you to give me the slightest bit of attention, even meaning just listening to me and saying affirmations (even just that makes a difference). It was unfair of me to say that "If you were in the situation I'd do it for you" - it was really unnecessary and in the heat of the moment

And you saying how "unresiliant"? You have been in the past. That is not the mentality you should be having. It's not going to help you grow!!! Its in the past and you need to accept it. Fate is not predetermined nor unchangeable. And you SHOULD NOT compare yourself to me. I am no where near perfect - I'm a huge hypocrite, I skip out on my lectures, I dont keep up with notes, I havent even started my assignments yet. And about my career - I don't even fucking know if I want to do this for the rest of my life, so I'm not "set". Like yeah I have a future and a job already secured, but i have the biggest feeling that I'm not going to stick with it. I didnt even have the courage to persue a career in what I'm actually passionate about.

And sports - I have never been able to keep consistent at one sport. I actually find the stories you tell me interesting, since I dont know much about it. I've gone through so many sports - only to stick to one for about a few months max. The fact that you've been able to play for YEARS despite your injuries is crazy to me and I really admire it.

SO YOU SHOULDNT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ME !! In a relationship there is no good in comparing yourself. We should be there for each other, encouraging each other and congratulating each other. Why do you feel the need to have to support me and yourself - emotionally and financially. I have to be honest it sounds a bit patriarchal and stupid. You shouldn't feel like you have to be my ONLY emotional support - I'm realizing that if I had to do what you're doing I'd get sick of it, there is only so much a person can do. The rest of it is up to me, I need to figure out how to be more independent. I am so excited, to work on myself then come back to the relationship and make our bond stronger.

As stubborn as you are in not wanting any help dealing with your problems, I will be as stubborn in trying to help you understand how you feel and help you learn how to support me. No one is born knowing to support others, the only way to learn is to do and figure it out. I want to help you learn!! Take it or leave it, I'm still going to be here - and that's what I've learnt from you, to be more selfless.

In other words, I love you even if you don't love me - just like you did for me in the beginning, so this is me returning it back to you.

If anything, I want you to learn what a flourishing relationship should be like - full of encouragement and growth.

[belowstandrd]

hello, ive fucked up and this is me finally coming to terms with it. to begin with, even just trying to get what i am thinking out is difficult, because i sorta dont even want to write it down - this is part of the problem.

I have allowed myself to tell the cute boy everything im feeling - which i think is good,but also bad to an extent In doing so, he has sorta become my journal. so instead of expressing myself here, i sometimes bottle it up until i can talk to him and he can listen to me, which is why is sorta find it hard to write here. When i think of writing my thoughts here i feel lazy, and think why would i type it when i could just talk about it.

second part of this problem; because i have so much excitement and obsession over this guy - i always want to talk to him and go out with him - but have been heavily disappointed. it gotten to a point where i couldn't bare it anymore and im tired of only being able to talk to him for a bit. i feel sorta let down and exhausted - i feel like ive put so much more effort and loving, yet it still isnt close to what i want (which is ok, but im not used to it and need to just suck it up). because of this i dont feel a strong of an urge to talk to him or enjoy our conversations as much. our conversations have been so lacklustre that i dont even feel like talking much. i dont feel bothered to think of what to talk about or talk about my day.

since i dont feel like talking to him with the same enthusiasim, i dont feel like sharing as much of my thoughts, nor writing it down. which has left me to bottle it in and feel shit.

i need to re-evaluate; he isnt everything, focus on yourself.

i wish i didnt feel this way about my conversations with him.

there has been so many time where i have been selfish and i feel so disgusted and embarassed to even acknowldge it. i hate myself for being that way. i just want to bury it.

i tell him how i feel shit and disatisfied - which also makes him feel bad, which he shouldnt because i am the sole problem and the only solution is for me to suck it up and deal with it, but its hard and difficult for me to not feel emotional.

i feel like i shouldnt be so transparent with how i feel about everything, because i think its making it worse - there is no point of telling him because the solution lies within me and hes forced to deal with me being emotional

im over getting my hopes up, things will happen when they come

[belowstandrd]

I feel so fucking sick with myself, i hate myself

i’m rushing it so much, i hate this version of myself, i’m so pushy and selfish

[belowstandrd]

i don’t know what to say when he says he loves me, i just feel like i don’t deserve it but at the same time i don’t want to lose it

[belowstandrd]

i’m so fucking stupid - i shouldn’t tell him everything i’m thinking bc im just so annoying and problematic

i’m so scared - i love him so much i don’t want to lose him bc im so annoying

we’re literally going out tmr, but who knows

he could change his mind because i’m so annoying

i’m so scared of being hurt again

part of me knows he loves me

i don’t want to tell him this because he’ll get pissed off at me when i question his love for me

i’m crying so hard

[belowstandrd]

hello sometimes i feel like he’s too good for me, like he could literally be with any other girl i’m not that great or special??

like i think about how i’m selfish sometimes and annoying

because i like him so much and care about him that i want the best for him

i’m always scared that because i’m annoying he won’t like me and it makes me very sad because i really really like him and it’ll hurt me a lot if he leaves

i think i’m psyching myself out - i’m making myself think i’m annoying and he could leave me only bc i love him so much !!!

i know i shouldn’t question his love but it’s hard when i think like that

wow i’ve never felt like this before, i genuinely want him to be happy because it makes me happy

[belowstandrd]

2018: year in review

2018 was a real fucking shit show - it was tough but i made it baby 

it was hard, but im equally grateful for the good experiences and lessons learnt

there has been few things learnt about myself, but have been deeply meaningful. this year has been more about maturing and consolidating my beliefs (i exercised my dont give a fuck mentally a lot). 

there’s been a lot of changes that have happened this year - big changes.

1. the hsc: it was hard mentally pushing myself through that one month exam period - it was hard to make myself study everyday. getting my atar and exam results through out the year i’ve realise that i really underestimate myself and automatically dismiss my ability to do well because i’m stuck thinking im average - i’ve achieved what i didn’t think i’d able to. i have proven myself that i can achieve a greater potential and i’m really proud of that.

2. the end of my first serious relationship: love really does make you blind. reflecting on the over 2 year relationship made me realise all the faults in the relationship - holy shit. like i cant believe i wasted so much of my fucking time on that bullshit. honestly it did me worse than good - i had lost my beliefs and experienced a deterioration in my standards. i’ve learnt that it’s not ok to tolerate actions just because they’re my boyfriend. just like a post i had made on this blog a year or two ago - “how do you know you’ve found it if you dont know what youre looking for”

i wouldn’t have tolerated that relationship if i had distinct standards and knew what to expect in a relationship. but this has been my first so i really didnt know what to expect - you live and you learn babe. 

im so glad that i still did really good in school, even though i had a relationship during the whole of my senior years. would’ve been worse if i had ended the stupid relationship and ended up with a shit future too. 

holy shit. he was so bad for me. he really didn’t help me grow. anytime i see him on social media i feel so disgusted and angry that i had made him the most important person at one point. i spent so much time with someone i barely even knew and he only knew me on a surface level. he really wasn’t what i wanted (someone who actually fucking cares about my mental health, my values UGH THAT CUNT, he was a shit fucking listener - i couldnt even really really talk about myself)

3. as im maturing, i’ve come to value family more, less of angsty teen 

4. this new guy: now, HE IS GOOD FOR ME. im so grateful to have him. im really excited to go into this new year with him, i know i’m going to have such a good year, because im going into uni which is so exciting and fresh !!! and i have him and i know he’ll push me to my potential. he’s amazing. i love him. he’s like everything that i want - someone that is going to help me grow, someone that i can just think out loud to. like this couldn’t get any better. im so excited for this new year with him. 

i know this relationship is super fresh but i just know its right - got a good gut feeling !! nothing could be more certain than your gut feeling. IM SO EXCITED

im at a point where im so exhausted of trying hard and presenting myself in a way that i want to be perceived as by others. finding someone where i can talk about anything, be goofy and stupid around. like this is me - just genuine. its so refreshing and freeing. knowing he definitely loves me is part of how i am able to do this, because i know hes not going to leave anytime soon so i feel safe to be like this. like nothing unflattering about me is going to make him leave. 

[belowstandrd]

you have done so much for me. i always think about how grateful i am to have you. timing was bad but i think about where i would have been if we hadn’t started talking - i would have gone back into a relationship where i was under-valued and no real support and praise for my academic successes. because you congratulate me and genuinely care about me, i want to work harder to make you proud because i know you want the best for me and REALLY care about me. being with you makes me comfortable and help me want to reach my full potential. inadvertently you’ve done a lot for me involving my development in how i see myself - because i now know what i deserve, like if it wasn’t for you i wouldn’t have realised that and i would’ve been getting less than i deserve.

because i trust you and know that you really care about me, it’s comforting that i can go to you for anything like when i had a break down

after you had told me what you had been through, it was hard hearing that you’d been through so much hurt ?? like you’re such a caring and easy going person who doesn’t deserve any of it !!! like i’m crying thinking about it. so when you said talking to me was comforting, i was so glad because i want to be there for you in the future if anything else does happen because i can’t have you go through tough shit by yourself ?!!! makes me so sad because you don’t deserve it

like i don’t really care about what happens between us, i just want to be there for you. you say that you’re scared to tell me more about you because you think it’ll change how i see you, i promise you that won’t happen because i feel so strong about always being there for you just how i know you’ll do for me.

i miss you so much during the day while you’re away at work, like i’ve been trying to keep myself busy and waiting till 6 for you to talk to me.

you make me so happy talking to you, i get so excited when you text back after work. i’ve been giggling so much more. your presence is already comforting alone - like it feels different falling asleep while calling even though you don’t say anything.

i love how much you’re willing to listen about my veganism and how open you’re to trying vegan food. it’s so surprising how you can stand me talking about it so much. i’ve told you before but i was so worried my veganism was a turn off for guys and i wouldn’t be able to find another guy for a long time.

you say i’m perfect, but i think you’re more perfect tbh. i love every aspect of you.

[belowstandrd]

he’s so fucking cute, whenever i look at him i always ask myself how i got such a CUTE boy!! UGH

every single time, he gets in the car when i pick him up, i instantly smile and honestly don’t stop smiling - like my cheeks hurt sometimes

just thinking about him makes me smile

each time during the drive home, i’m always thinking about him

he makes me giggle and laugh so much !!

i love how we can just run with jokes and keep it going and how we’re both just weird and totally fine with it

since he puts as much effort as i do into talking (as in he replies instantly and doesn’t leave me waiting) i feel secure and don’t have the feeling that i should be always checking back because i know he’ll reply when he has the opportunity to - because of this i can actually go about my day. this feeling of security feels so nice because i can relax

it feels so nice that i can tell him anything - actually ANYTHING

thinking back to when i had a panic attack??? few nights ago - all i wanted was him to pick up the phone call and i’d be fine and when he fell asleep i just wanted him to be with me because he made me comfortable - that says a lot about how i find him comforting and safe

HOWEVER sometimes i get frustrated with him (usually because he jokingly insults me and i don’t have a comeback for it), which he finds “cute” and cant take me seriously which is annoying - but nonetheless our banter is fun

it feels nice that he’s so supportive of me and wants to bring the best out of me - which is EXACTLY what i expect a relationship to be - it should enhance yourself/ help further develop your character rather than change you and pull you away from your true self

[belowstandrd]

he couldn’t be anymore perfect

timing was so perfect, if we hadn’t starting talking more i would still probably be missing my ex, giving him a second chance and still in that shitty relationship. he sorta saved me in a way - i felt like i was being pulled back by my ex and was restraining me rather than helping me flourish and develop myself

he’s made me realise how i should’ve been treated.

i’ve been so much happier these past few weeks talking to him. he’s given me a new energy. i’ve been chattier and sillier than usual.

there’s so much about him that i love:

1. he compliments me constantly and has helped me boost my self confidence

2. i can tell him anything that i’m thinking

3. he’s an amazing listener

4. he’s super cute

5. he can dress himself and take care of himself

6. we have amazing communication

7. we watch the same things/have the same jokes

8. he’s cheesy and romantic but my inner hopeless romantic loves it

9. he makes me laugh, like really laugh, i dont think my ex has made me laugh so hard so often - until stomach and cheeks hurt

10. he can sing - super hot

he’s so open to my veganism and willing to listen to what i have to say rather than arguing

i love his desire for knowledge about things that interest him - it’s super attractive

it’s so crazy how comfortable i’m able to be around him

whenever i’m with him i forget everything else, my mind is clear and just in the moment

[belowstandrd]

wasted more than 2 fucking years

i was blinded and didn’t realise that relationship was not what i wanted - i could never be completely transparent and be myself

it’s so fucking crazy how i could be with him for so long yet not know him that well

communication was shit - honestly reason for the downfall

i don’t understand how i could be with someone who rarely let me into what was going on in his life

all we’d talk about were our plans and how our day was

he was never really engaged in what i had to say

UGH i was so blinded (see draft below from during relationship)

it was my first serious relationship so i didn’t have standards, so much of the rough times i thought it was ok and it would get better and allowed his actions go unchecked

i was so tired of putting in effort to impress him, but he would never reciprocate that, and i would always have to fucking as for compliments - which was more like validation bc he never spoke about how he felt about me, except that he loved me

when i asked what he liked about me he would say “idk everything” say surface level shit like “you’re funny, nice, caring” - anyone can be those things - i really do think he was mainly in love with me because i cared for him and once we broke up he realised that he didn’t have someone to care for him anymore

i was getting tired always taking care of him

broke up on the 15/11

[belowstandrd]

(i liked you before we were dating, you'd reply so quickly now i feel like a second priority. i send so many messages compared to you, feels like a waste of time)

[belowstandrd]

ok things:

1. he blames himself for things and tells me to don’t worry about things (i.e. “i’m a bad boyfriend”)

- makes me feel like shit that i’ve done something to make him feel that way (which is usually me feeling sad because of something he’s done??) and that’s what makes him blame him self

so ultimately he’s making me feel bad

so it “forces” me to be like “no no no dw it’s okay you’re not a bad boyfriend”

2. when i do something “wrong”, he gets annoyed i feel like shit and get scared and cry then apologise for myself being like this and for what i did “wrong”

3. being in constant fear of doing something wrong in case i annoy or anger him, or always doing things “right” to ensure i don’t annoy him

this ALSO starts problems i.e. i don’t say something because i didn’t want to annoy him, something like that

4. when things are bad i always contemplate about leaving but when something good happens or we have a fun time it gets me thinking “oh maybe it was just a rough patch” or “i want more fun times like this so i’ll stay”

but do the pros really out weigh the cons??

and when will it finally get “good”??

is it really worth trying to fix it?? i at least want to try and fix it

it’s the opposite sometimes when he says “no no no it’s not your fault” example: he feels a bit

a tired so his tone of voice isn’t quite the same and it sounds angry i when he’s angry i feel sad/scared i/ i keep asking him what wrong he says he’s fine, he obviously isn’t so i ask more and then he gets annoyed

so i get sad then he goes no no no i’m sorry and apologizes

every single time i say sorry i feel so tired of saying it and feeling less of myself

[belowstandrd]

you still gotta flirt with her, even if she's ur girl