benghost

[benghost]

Trains - the marvel of the 21st century

Dear Steve Montgomery, Managing Director

I would just like to extend my deepest congratulations on a job well done. Your service comes under a fair amount of criticism, albeit warranted, but I believe you deserve some praise. After all - thousands continue to spend fortunes to use your service daily, so clearly you are doing something right! Some may point out this is because your company is the only rail service on offer - but we know that’s just silly semantics.

After all take today for example, huge swathes of people amassed in Glasgow Central station. All looking upon your electronic boards in sombre reverence. As delay after delay blazed across the screens they continued to wait. They could have got the bus. They could have walked. They could have left and had dinner in Glasgow. But they chose to wait, and I was proud to stand with them in solidarity.

My earlier connection from Edinburgh to Queen Street had only been delayed by ten minutes - I should have known that was just the appetiser. I should have realised a smart businessman like yourself would have a more juicy main course waiting for me. When I got to Central and saw the numerous delays and cancellations, it dawned on me just how lucky I am to be a Scotrail customer.

We spend all our lives rushing from one place to the next, we barely spend any time to stop and evaluate our lives. You get it. You provide the brakes to our whirlwind lives - forcing us to slow down and take stock of what’s important in this 21st century soup. I could be on my way home, to friends and family. Dinner. But instead I’m standing in an excruciatingly hot station, alone. And I couldn’t be more pleased about it.

Unfortunately a train eventually arrived to take me back to the humdrum routine that is my life. It did feel like it took an eternity to arrive - but even an eternity isn’t long enough to fully enjoy an overcrowded train station. As we lined up to board I could tell everyone was as upset as me to be leaving. There was quite a lot of muttering and swearing, everyone was clearly angry to be going home and leaving the exciting and extremely warm station.

Well if they were worried the train was going to be cold and spacious then they shouldn’t have. Once again you pulled off a masterstroke. Providing three carriages when six were required - genius! Some people may have certain expectations when they spend hundreds of pounds a month. Leg-room, pleasant temperatures, getting home in time for their dinner - but I know my money is well spent.

I could see every one of my 400 pounds at work - as the carriage because a festering mass of human juices and odours I knew this was value for money. Of course we can be more comfortable with more space, but does that make us more connected? Do I feel more closer to the people that were literally standing on top of me? To the woman who’s numerous bags jutted into my sides? Steve you must moonlight as a life coach. You just get people.

The magic of this experience was thankfully not over soon. In fact the train crawled out of the station and along the line at the pace of a baby turtle. Looking out I saw a slug overtake us, although in fairness I think he was in a hurry to get home to Mrs Slug’s cooking. I confess I was slightly peckish at this point and I attempted to eat Mr Slug. The train was moving so slowly that I could have ninja rolled off and back on without breaking a sweat - but I was unable to open the doors.

I thought I’d be able to reach out the window and snatch him up off the rail but your windows are only big enough for a child. I said I would share some of the slug with the little boy sat next to me if he went and got it, but for some reason his parents freaked out when I started pushing him out the window. I guess my one small criticism would be that the window’s are too small. And there isn’t anywhere on the train to get away from crazed parents.

During our delightfully painstaking crawl along the line, there was an announcement apologising for the inconvenience. I want just like to thank you Stevey, for such a warm and humbling gesture. Of course it won’t get me home in time. Sure it does nothing for my dinner which by now is surely cold. Clearly it won’t magically make me on time for my social engagements later tonight (had to cancel). And yes it may not lessen the blow of 400 pounds leaving my bank account every month - but god it was sincere. Just like the 83 before it, those simple words have absolved any possible wrong.

So Stiv I hope my words emphasis what an incredible job you’re doing with Scotrail. I know the millions being spent on adding restaurants and cafes to stations is a sound investment. We need more line faults, less carriages, higher ticket prices - money spent in these areas would only be wasted.

I know you’re the man to uphold this truly high standard of excellence.

Sincerely Ben Ghost

p.s I lost my sunglasses. Any chance you could upgrade the trains with curtains when it’s sunny? Or buy me a new pair?

[benghost]

Easter Eggz.

Today we commemorate Christianity’s poster boy. Easter Sunday - the holiest of holies where Jesus Christ was resurrected. Now I’m not about to embark on a religious diatribe, arguing the logistical implausibility of such a feat. Personally I think Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism etc. all fall into the same religious soup, in that all are based on the same fallacy.

My argument is that today is just another day, reinforcing the idea that there is no higher power. Or if there is it, it certainly doesn’t give a shit about the day to day bleating of the rest of us. If there really was something out there, then surely today is the perfect opportunity to turn my belief system upside down.

This afternoon a moment of tranquility descended upon my being. The traffic became non-existent; the wind faded until the only sound was the scraping of leaves on the pavement and the scuff of my shoes as I made my way home. It was only then I started to take in my surroundings and I noticed the looming church to my right. I glanced round and found it fitting that I was the only soul in sight. As I came closer to this religious monument, I started to brace myself for the inevitable religious bolt. I thought it would surge through my being, a wave of guilt that I wasn’t inside on my hands and knees reflecting on the significance of today.

Naturally it never came. The building was quite closed. In fact services run at 11.00 am and 6.00 pm. The organisation of religion has always been a point of contention for myself. Rape and pillage is quite alright, just make sure you make 6.00 pm mass for atonement. I could imagine the scene if I had waited, a mass of slavering religious fanatics crawling on all fours fighting their way to the front. Religious commitment is determined by how close to the front you sit and by how loud you sing the hymns.

So no spiritual revelation. Just rows of Fords, Vauxhalls and Hyundai’s parked in a neat procession along the road. A statement underpinning the mundane. I continued to shuffle along the hill and reflected on my current train of thought. I’m still not entirely sure how I ended up in this existential day dream. Today has only been noteworthy in the sense that it has been significantly un-noteworthy. A blandness that is almost palatable. These moody reflections could also have been exasperated by the smoking of cannabis 11.34 this morning.

I watched a documentary on a personal hero last night, Hunter S. Thompson. I have particular fondness on his writings in search of the American Dream. The problem I have applying it to our own society is that there is no British Dream. We stumble about with a general malaise, fly under the radar and don’t make too much noise, look both ways before crossing the street, be polite, chew with your mouth closed. Follow these steps and you’ll probably get to a reasonable age without any real problems.

When you break down the human life into such components you find there are two types of people. There are the religious types that believe such an existence is acceptable because there is something better afterwards. Life is just the appetizer. Then there are people like myself, not spiritual, drowning in the mediocrity that is their life and alleviating boredom through recreational activities. Like drugs and alcohol.

A sweeping generalisation, of which I have no doubt but the point I was trying to make nonetheless. I can’t really say why I set out on a crass, simplistic theological discussion with myself. Perhaps I’m over analysing this day too much, and it really is just about eating chocolate shaped like eggs. Or maybe I’m just really fucking high. Or maybe religion just exists to distract the majority of people from the sad truth, that life is bland and sometimes we need a fanciful distraction from this reality.

To quote Hunter Thompson:

“With the truth so dull and depressing, the only working alternative is wild bursts of madness.”

I acknowledge that this has been largely humourless. I make no apologies. Got to write some shit down…

  Ben Ghost

[benghost]

FT Valentines.

Well it’s that time of year. Creeping into the list of days that aren’t holidays, but for some reason deserve attention – Valentine’s Day. The time when we look back and recount the martyrdom of so many Christians at the hands of the ruthless Romans. As a glutton for historical reminiscing, I can’t help but feel we need more days that celebrate the persecution and death of a few rabble rousers. Nothing quite says romance than a covert marriage, only for the priest to be brutally butchered. I have to hand it to those Romans they were quite the disciplinarians.

But society has moved on and for various reasons such celebrations have ceased to exist. It could be that such activities are not deemed ‘family friendly’, or maybe it’s because priests got wise to the situation and stopped calling themselves Valentine. Personally I think it has something to do with the Bridget Jones’ of the world.

You see in a darkened room, perhaps to a backdrop of thunder and lightning, there are a group of individuals spearheading an onslaught of consumerist trash. Some say they are men, others believe them to be wizards. All we know is that they have the ability to make people buy disposable, unnecessary, crap.

I mean walk into any card shop and the result is staggering. The most useless items suddenly become valuable treasures. Nothing is sacred; all sorts of trinkets, glasses, mugs, t-shirts, pencils, bottle openers are dragged out from some bottomless commercial pit. And the stuffed toys…

Did I miss the national announcement that informed the world Bears are cute and cuddly? The last time I checked, a bear weighed about 300lbs and could kill a man from ten paces. A bear will tear your arms off like twiglets. They have razor teeth that will chew through your skin like sandpaper. And I haven’t even talked about the ones that are trained to be ninjas.

But stick a love heart on them and suddenly they’re the most adorable things ever? Nice try Communism.

My major underlying gripe with this day is that it devaluates the very thing it is meant to be celebrating. The oversaturation cheapens romantic gestures for the rest of the year. So in essence Valentines is effectively killing Love. And what about the poor working man? Is he to be persecuted for forgetting you purchase the forgettable card, the bargain bin flowers? Does the other 364 days count for naught?

This Valentine’s I’ll be celebrating is the correct manner, historically accurate. I’ll be patrolling the streets with my crossbow. And when I come upon a young couple I will spread love like the Valentines of old. A cupid arrow straight to the heart.

On second thoughts, what I’m advocating could be termed ‘attempted murder’. A lengthy jail term isn’t going to fit with my 2013 social calendar. The alternative is to spend Valentine’s with the only true love in my life. John McClane. A Good Day to Die Hard.

Yipee Ki Ya Motherfuckers!

[benghost]

E4 complaint.

I don't think I need to give much context. Home Alone, February 6th, I complained...

Dear network provider,

As I was sifting through the dross that has come to represent Wednesday night television, I came across your E4 showing of Home Alone.  At first I was struck with blind terror, gods what neurological trick was this!?  It’s finally happening – that stroke that I was always so blasé about.  Curse my wretched ignorance, I always intended to give up bacon in later years.  But now my time was up.  My brain had finally decided enough was enough.  I only drank that brake fluid for a lark; I really thought my cells would regenerate.

This was the dialogue my inner self was engaging with as the credits rolled onto the screen to signal the commencement of Home Alone.  For surely the logical conclusion to a Christmas film being broadcast on the 6th of February is a stroke?  Certainly an esteemed television company like yourselves wouldn’t have the audacity, nay the sheer arrogance, to show a film so unbelievably out of sync with the seasons?  It seems I was mistaken.

At this junction I would like to draw attention to the calendar to which the global population abides by. 

October: this month is allocated to the period of Halloween. No Christmas films. 

November: a trickle of festive snippets triggers alarm bells.  The onslaught is nearly upon us but, ironically, our optimism hasn’t yet been crushed and we actually LOOK FORWARD to Christmas.  Still no Christmas films.

December: the consumerist wave truly drowns us all.  We become tired, disillusioned, we just want it to be over like sexual intercourse with a partner we no longer find attractive.  The only shred of hope we cling to is the knowledge that after the 31st of December the madness ends. Lots of Christmas films.

January:  Festive no man’s land.  Anything remotely related to the Christmas is destroyed, incinerated or sent to a labour camp. Only a man with a death wish would broadcast Christmas films.

February: Seriously January is over, are you joking?

Now, I love Christmas.  My cynicism however has been enflamed by the poor judgement of E4.  It has caused me to question my reality, but make no mistake in the period of DECEMBER I adore Christmas. And you might take this opportunity to counter “Hey we love Christmas too, we thought showing a Christmas movie in February would be neat!”  You are woefully wrong and I will explain this to you.

The twisted sadist in charge of programming is literally killing Christmas. A cancerous mole is starting to form on Santa’s thigh.  And it will get bigger and more irregular if your channel continues down this irresponsible path.  The person in charge has committed a hate crime, and on behalf of Santa; the elves; the North Pole – I demand justice.

You see you’ve stolen some of the magic of Christmas.  By showing Home Alone in February, you have made it less special for us all next December.  It is the law of the universe – there must always be balance. A small child watches and asks when Santa is bringing presents. Having just endured the month of January with an over-enthused child, do you really think the parent wants this trauma in February? The child complains. It doesn’t want to wait 10 months. The parent subsequently beats their child.  E4 is now responsible for child abuse, take a bow you sick son of a bitches. And did you even spare a thought for poor Macaulay? An actor with a rich tapestry of work under his belt. The emotional rollercoaster of My Girl? The enthralling Pagemaster? And who could forget Richie Rich? But no, you had to drudge up a movie which pigeon holed a bright young talent right from the offset. A crime easily forgiven in December but I’m afraid you don’t get off so easily in February.

I hope I have given you some food for thought, and in future it is probably prudent not to let a fascist plan the television schedule. You have really stepped over the line unfortunately and it is difficult to see you salvaging any credibility.  I know personally I will be avoiding E4 from now on.

Disrespectfully

Dr Ben Ghost

P.S The attempt to market Home Alone as a horror film in the ad campaign was laughable.  We all saw through that horseshit.  Next time take a good long hard look in the mirror before you pull a stunt like this. 

[benghost]

Swagga like us.

An open letter to the gentleman in Central Station:

I felt utterly compelled to communicate the complete and comprehensive bafflement you caused while I waited for a train. There is no poetic way to say this – you are the owner of a ‘HEAVY MENTAL SWAGGER’. I have used capitals in an attempt to convey the ludicrous nature of your walk, but I’m fully aware words will never do this justice. I am going to analyse key aspects and attributes of your swagger in an attempt to understand how you could simultaneously walk like a human, yet display all the characteristics of a jelly fish.

Starting with the lower body - I have some serious concerns regarding the practicing Surgeon that would condone transplanting two human legs for a pair of Slinky’s. I was amazed to see each step resulted in a complete collapse of your limb to the knee, and then a sudden convex with all the enthusiasm of a kangaroo on speed. I would have been transfixed were it not for the violent visual attack of your hips. Rattling from side to side at a ferocity to which an Armenian ballroom dancer would be envious. Can I suggest that, if you haven’t already, you take up Limbo dancing? You may have set the world record for most consecutive steps at a 180 degree angle.

Contradicting this and possibly defying the laws of physics –your chest puffed out with great pride and arrogance. Clearly I was in the presence of an exceedingly important man. I would almost be tempted to believe this, were it not for your arms. Clearly you had nowhere important to be otherwise your arms would have moved in an ergonomically efficient manner. Instead they flailed in diagonals to your body, slowing you down like counterproductive pieces of spaghetti. With complete sincerity you started to look like this as you faded into the distance:

    What really impressed me were the little intricacies that really sold the swagger.  The face of defiance that knew it looked fundamentally absurd but dared you to point this out.  Complimenting this, the black leather jacket we have all come to recognise as the sign of a nutter.  Fashionably irrelevant since the late eighties but to say so out loud, would result in a rusty pick axe prying my eyeballs from their sockets.  And finally the coup de grâce – a rabid Alsatian.  I’m unsure the latter was even a statement of your psychotic nature.  I do believe the dog was an intrinsic part of your bodily motion.  An anchor to prevent you from falling backwards, or even floating away (your swagger truly did confuse me).  I’d like to point out that a canine is intended to be a companion, not a counter-weight.

I hope you take some of the key points I have raised and perhaps spend your weekend trying to refine the way you navigate Glasgow in future.

So as not to look like a complete bellend.

Disrespectfully yours,

Ben Ghost

[benghost]

Every Villian Is Lemons - Part 2

This is getting awkward. From: ****@hotmail.com To: benghost@hotmail.co.uk Subject: OCTOPUSSY PR JOB Date: Wed, 9 Jan 2013 15:07:02 +0000

Hi Guys

  Well first of ll WELL DONE!

You guys have made it through to interview section....

This will be a quick 10 mins with me at the arches cafe bar...

Will be 1pm on Monday 14th which is monday coming - can u all let me know if you are coming please?

  Interview will be short so make sure to make the most of it - looking for fun bubbly chatty and outgoing PRs.  Can you all have a think about the maddest thing you have done as well - will be asking ALL of you to tell me the story!

  LOOKING FORWARD TO HOPEFULLY LOTS OF U JOINING THE OCTO TEAM

x

 From: benghost@hotmail.co.uk To: ****@hotmail.com Subject: RE: OCTOPUSSY PR JOB Date: Wed, 9 Jan 2013 20:05:21 +0000

Dear Nicola Thank you for the sentiments in your previous correspondence, I can safely say this moment is amongst the top 75 highlights of my career. Finally I know the elation that is otherwise only available through child reproduction. Having never (knowingly) fathered any infants of my own, I am of course making an assumption. I did however invest great emotional attachment once, to a pickle that lived in my refrigerator for twelve months. I named him Claude. Unfortunately he was consumed by Gruffalo after we had a heated altercation. Apparently Incan Warrior's get very sulky when you record over their favourite show, "Murder, She Wrote". Despite the galling feelings of despair conjured by his death, I will always relish the time spent with Claude. I digress. This whole experience and public focus has put me out of sorts. I am thrilled at the response and sheer volume of traffic I have single-handedly generated for your establishment. After much pondering I have even decided to overlook the fact my application was put into the public sphere without my consent. I never was much of an advocate for the Data Protection Act! However, based on the fact I have essentially enticed patrons to your club before I have even undertaken the role, I do feel reparations need to be negotiated. I believe suitable payment for the custom I have attracted amounts to the following: One copy of the studio album 'Big Bam Boom' by Daryl Hall & John Oates One Quiche Lorraine stored at room temperature One (signed) photograph of Tom Selleck If you find this agreeable then I will not pursue any legal action. The whole process is very time consuming and modern cinema has dramatically over exaggerated the potential excitement to be had. With this unsavoury matter put behind us I can now address your proposal of employment. Unfortunately I am currently unable to accept a role as a PR due to current work commitments. As a full time writer, I have a steady pattern of working 9:00 am until 5:00 pm, clearing a modest yet admirable salary. More importantly I am required to stay at home during the week, Gruffalo is unfortunately a pyromaniac and it would be a health risk to leave him unattended. I must confess, roaming the streets of Glasgow to the chagrin of it's inhabitants would be a delight but I'm afraid I must decline. I would however be greatly interested in taking up a role within your organisation that doesn't involve much effort. Or leaving the house. Official Octopussy Wordsmith? Chief Comedic Negotiator? The Alcohol Admiral? I can attest my services would not require much in the way of monetary commitment. I look forward to your response - as does Gruffalo. He is lighting the drapes with excitement. Or that just might be his passion for flames. Warm Regards Ben Ghost Dr.

[benghost]

Every Villian Is Lemons.

There was a witty introductory statement but Tumblr is the most frustrating tool I have ever come across (I really must Ben Ghost them). Long story short, despite the woeful neglect I have shown in recent months - I have just the same been subjected to many irritating facts of life. This one was just easier to produce a quick piece of creative output. I came across this delightful ad for a PR to work at Glasgow's Octopussy Club. WE ARE LOOKING FOR TOTAL NUTTERS FOR PR STAFF ARE YOU A LOONBAG? IF SO PLEASE EMAIL NICKI AT - nshev@hotmail.com INTERVIEWS TO BE HELD THIS WEEK SO DO IT FAST XX

The Caps Lock sold me...

  Ben Ghost (benghost@hotmail.co.uk) 21:27 To: nshev@hotmail.com Dear Glasgow Club proprietor. I couldn't help but come across your eloquent job advert online and feel that I have the main qualities required for the post. With particular reference to "WE ARE LOOKING FOR TOTAL NUTTERS" and "ARE YOU A LOONBAG?" - I feel I tick both categories. Well what are your qualifications I hear you ask? Astute question. Under the 2007 legislation for the UK Mental Health Act I have been sectioned three times. I can't say I particularly cared for the first occurrence, but the latter two proved to be quite stimulating. Almost like going on a mini holiday to Brighton. Pre-1945 Brighton I might add, it's become incessantly involved in blatant consumerism in recent years. Not the place it once was, which is a damn shame. Aside from this I spend most of time with my dear friend Gruffalo. He is quite the conversationalist and would also like to apply for a role in your fine establishment. He is quite conventional by 15th Century Incan Warrior standards. He does invest a large portion of his day praying to the various deities of his culture, I trust as an equal opportunities employer you will make suitable accommodations? Like all good South Americans Gruffalo also has a penchant for copious amounts of cocaine. Other recreational activities of myself include alphabetising the cheeses in Supermarkets (they are never grateful), taking pigeons for walks and currently I am working on my own fashion label. I am revolutionising the way we think about jeans and plan to bring out a range, made entirely of bacon, next Fall. I look forward to future correspondence regarding the role of 'TOTAL NUTTER', I can be contacted via email on the 10th day of every month when the moon is full. I'd like to take this opportunity to say, it is refreshing to see a job advert such as the one you have posted. More so now that we are in a perpetual state of gloomy austerity. When responding please be wary lest Government Officials intercept your electronic email. Queen Victoria has been on my trail for the past five decades. Mentally yours, Ben Ghost P.S I attack strangers. If I receive any response I will duly upload further correspondence.

[benghost]

Nigerian 419 scam.

I'm considering lodging a complaint to my Hotmail service. I was incredulous to behold the below email has been marked as 'junk'. I was almost robbed of a once in a lifetime opportunity - how many times will I receive an email from a complete stranger, on the other side of the world, offering the opportunity to make millions? Millions of dollars for doing literally nothing I might add.

Based on my Junk inbox, apparently quite a few...

Date: Wed, 8 Aug 2012 14:28:08 +0100 From: abdelkzim8@gmail.com Subject: BUSSINESS PROPOSAL. To:

  MR.ABDEL KAZIM

BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A)

OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO

WEST AFRICA

Dear Friend,

I have a proposal for you, this however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honour the content against your will. I am Mr. Abdel Kazim; I work with a bank (one of the leading banks in Africa ). Here in this bank exists a dormant account for the past 8years which belongs to an American national who is now late, by name Mr. Christian Eich the account owner an engineer who ran Carmaker BMW's Museum, his wife and two children and his wife's parents were also among the victims in a plane crash of Alaska airlines flight number AF4590 which crashed on 31st July, 2000.

  When I discovered that there had been no deposits or withdrawals from this account for this long period, I decided to carry out a system investigation and discovered that none of the family members or relations of the late person is aware of this account. Now I want an account overseas where the bank will transfer this fund.

Thereafter, I will destroy all related documents to this account. It is a careful network and for the past eleven months I have worked out everything to ensure a hitch-free operation. The amount plus all the accumulated interest is the sum of (US$12.6Million,) Twelve Million, Six Hundred Thousand Dollars only.

  Now my questions are: -

1. Can you handle this project?

2. Can I give you this trust?

3. What will be your commission if you can facilitate the movement of this fund to your account? As I intend giving you 40% of the total amount……….

Consider these and get back to me as soon as possible with your full names, private telephone, Mobile and fax numbers, corresponding postal address, etc. Finally, it is my humble request that the information as contained herein be accorded with every confidentiality and the necessary secrecy it deserves I expect your urgent response.

Best regard

MR.Abdel Kazim

  Hello Ahmed Kazim I received your email and was positively over the moon. For some time now I have longed for a West African pen pal. I did have contact with a young Somalian boy, Roger, but I have not heard from him since he went on a boating trip. He mentioned something about a cruise liner and possible danger, but I'm sure he's fine! Why would a cruise liner hold any danger for a Somalian boat engineer? Enough of Roger however, I am sorry to hear about your American friend Christian Eich being late. I can assure you I am extremely punctual and I admire the importance you place on such a quality. I can also verify I travel only by hot air balloon, as this reduces flight accidents by 3000% Therefore you shall not have to endure the heartbreak of losing another close companion. The project you have proposed seems extremely interesting. Out of all the people in the world I am honoured you have picked me to play a part in this genius plan. I hope you don't mind me asking a personal question, but what is your IQ? This is certainly on the same level as a criminal mastermind from a James Bond movie. Can I ask another question, who is your favourite James Bond actor? Normally people say Sean Connory or Roger Moore. I particularly like Timothy Dalton, he is incredibly underrated and I get really sad that he is only in two movies because he should of at least been in four. As a billionaire I do not require any commission at all! But even if I had no money I wouldn't take any money from you Alan Kazim as you are now one of my top friends! You can trust me completely on this matter and I have no hesitation in handing over my address and phone number. I know that you only destroyed the official documentation of the bank account because you plan to use the money to help starving orphans with terminal illness. Not for one second do I expect you to use the money for your own needs. Kazza you are so SELF-LESS! I fully anticipate this to be a 'hitch-free' operation as your attention to detail is impressive. You say the account has lain dormant for 8 years yet all the people who had access to it have been deceased since the year 2000. I am sure you have a valid reason for discounting the past four years, as I do not think you would make such an elementary mathematical mistake. I look forward to hearing back from you Arnold Kazam of the West Indies. My wonderful new pen pal. Respectfully General Ben Ghost C.I.A

  p.s I thoroughly enjoyed your ironic misspelling in the subject title.  You can’t fool me however – I know a criminal genius like yourself would never knowingly spell business as ‘Bussiness’ unless for comedic purposes.  Unless you were implying you have a Busy proposal for me?  I’m sorry my intellect doesn’t quite match your own, you’ll have to explain certain jokes in the future!

  I wonder if West Africans appreciate sarcasm…

[benghost]

IKEA don't care about your pet.

I recently contacted IKEA with regards to a TV unit I purchased. Unfortunately my long-term pet companion, Henry the Iguana, had become deeply lodged inside the unit. IKEA have displayed no urgency in our recent email exchange and seem more concerned about reference numbers and 'where did I actually buy the tv unit'. Today I expose the crude salesmanship and all round lack of compassion for my pet Iguana. There are two discrepancies I'd like to point out with the above statement.

I've never purchased anything from IKEA. I don't own a pet iguana.

Original Message: Sent: 26/06/2012 To: GB Customer_service_UK CSUK <CUSTOMER.SERVICE@ikea.com> Name: Ben Ghost Telephone: 877-738-6742 E-mail: benghost@hotmail.co.uk Receipt number: 527809 Comments: Who would I get in contact with regarding the dismantlement of my TV unit? My pet iguana Henry has gotten trapped inside the marble and I require staff assistance to get him out. Understandably I am rather distressed so a prompt reply would be greatly appreciated.

From: CUSTOMER.SERVICE@ikea.com To: benghost@hotmail.co.uk Dear Mr Ghost: Thank you for your email: i have tried to contact you today to discuss the issue but the phone number does not dial out if you could give us a call on 0845 358 3363 or alternatively reply to this e:mail Kind regards, Ali A IKEA Customer Service.

From: benghost@hotmail.co.uk To: GB Customer_service_UK CSUK <CUSTOMER.SERVICE@ikea.com> Subject: RE: IKEA - Feedback on an IKEA product [] {669243}

Dear Ali A My apologies, as a sufferer of telephonophobia I find it difficult to answer any ringing telephone. I appreciate you are working round the clock, I trust no child labour laws have been broken? As a workaround I have drilled a hole into the back of the unit and began funneling crickets and feta cheese to Henry. As the crickets are live - I am unable to ascertain if he can reach them. He may be unable to move. Would you be able to convey via electronic communication where I can locate the fail safe mechanism? I read somewhere that all Swedish furniture comes with such a mechanism to cater for pet and infant related incidents. If this is not a viable option, and with a heavy heart, I am willing to accept compensation to the sum of $60. It may be strange watching television with a deceased iguana trapped below, but with the compensation I can invest in an animal that is less likely to be trapped in complex furniture. Like a badger. I await your swift response. Respectfully, Dr Ghost From: CUSTOMER.SERVICE@ikea.com To: benghost@hotmail.co.uk Dear Dr Ghost, Thank you for your email. I hope that your iguana is safe and well. To enable us to recommend a local fitter who may be able to assist you please confirm where your nearest IKEA store is. Kind regards, Stuart IKEA Customer Service From: benghost@hotmail.co.uk To: GB Customer_service_UK CSUK <CUSTOMER.SERVICE@ikea.com> Dear Stuart It is with a heavy heart that I write of Henry's passing. It appears the confines of the tv unit were too great, and his constant writhing and wriggling have resulted in death by exhaustion. I always felt Henry would like to be buried at sea - his favourite film after all was Titanic. However there is no nearby route to the ocean, so I have laid him to rest at the bottom of the local fish pond. Now that this unsavoury matter has been put to bed I would like to discuss the matter of damages. I was forced to dismantle the tv unit in a final attempt to save Henry. It is now completely destroyed and cannot carry out its primary function of supporting a television. I value it at $260 and I'm willing to accept a cheqeue or perhaps a trade for a similarly priced piece of furniture. My iguana was purchased at $30 but due to the emotional attachment we had built over the years, I would put a much higher value on him. I'd say a figure of $60 is more fitting. With the money I plan on purchasing a new pet companion, one that will be less likely to succumb to the dangers of swedish furniture. Do you think a cat is suitable? I trust Stuart this matter has been passed to yourself due to your skills of negotiation and problem solving ability. I understand this is a complex issue, and it seems the pressure was too much for Ali A to handle. I am glad a more senior member of the IKEA family has stepped in. Respectfully, Professor Ghost

I have yet to receive a response to my latest correspondence – let this be a grim warning for anyone with fragile pets and Swedish furniture. I also accompanied this adorable picture with my original email. Heartless bastards.

[benghost]

Not Guilty.

After a lengthy and costly battle with the courts, I have finally managed to overturn the lifetime ban preventing me from commentating in the public sphere.  For too long my work has been censored, outright banned, and misrepresented.  I have been ridiculed in public, denied entry into France (in hindsight this was a blessing), and stripped of my Romanian Man Of The Year award.

Today I say - NO MORE!  Today I embark on my own personal coup d'état.  Today I start the pursuit of all vendettas.

History starts now.

Ben Ghost