beyonddeathnote

[beyonddeathnote]

aaaand barking dogs outside.

so.

do you think that, if i Think hard enough about my situation, i'll come up with the perfect solution to solve all of my problems?

do you think i can think my way into transporting immediately to a quiet rural co-op village with all my friends that's 100% safe and affordable with groundbreaking sound insulation

find out next week on "but maybe the OCD is Correct and Useful this time"

[beyonddeathnote]

it's also so great that i desperately need to reduce sensory input and stimuli. like constantly. my brain is just very sensory-defensive. i feel most calm in empty rooms in rural areas with no expectations or responsibilities.

and yet!!!!

my ND-type ALSO necessitates that i do EVERYTHING at once and can not stick to one single project for the life of me. and i also need to perfectly document and record and remember literally everything. and see 100% of things to their "full potential"??? in perfect ways

and problem-solve everything and also save the world

because i'm sooooo intelligent and i'm sooooo powerful and i'm also the Chosen One so if i Put My Mind To It i'll save everyone and come up with the solution to everything forever

anyways. all i need is to be small and quiet in an empty room on the countryside. and yet.

[beyonddeathnote]

(another personal ramble/vent, this time with a lot of OCD-related anxieties, i doubt anyone's seeing this but jic i don't recommend reading it jfskljfs)

and like i feel like i CAN'T take a break.

because like i said. time's running out. i need to scramble around and prepare for the worst case scenarios which are unfortunately very likely if not unstoppable at this point. i don't have time to hide.

i'm not even pushing myself. like. most of my scheduled time is to make sure i'm self-regulating and taking care of myself. and i have breaks and everything. but i'm still just. it's so much. all the time. preparing is still knowing. i'm preparing because i know things are bad.

and i can't just stop talking to people either. everyone's going through such a hard time. like it's insane the degree to which so many of my friends are Going Through It right now, like i won't get into the details but?? oh my god?? this isn't normal either. and most of it isn't even directly correlated with current events.

like just last week, got messages from two friends in the same afternoon - two days before father's day - that they unexpectedly got news of terminal health issues with their dads. and two days before that another friend's very beloved service animal unexpectedly died. and two days before that i heard that my friend got a gun pointed at them at work. and another friend lost her job for reasons outside of her control. and another big thing with another friend that i've explained too many times but jfc it was Bad.

and last week Was a lot all at once but like. it's been like that since january. other friends having very close people die. other huge personal things i won't hash out the details of. and my very close family members are dying too and i'm rarely even able to visit them. it's just been constant. and again, way way way more than normal.

i love everyone so much but i can't be there for everyone. but god i want to be.

and even aside from that, those abandonment issues are kicking in. if i stop talking to people, i'm worried we'll grow distant. that they'll lose interest in me.

and then with my hobbies. ugh. i wish i could just enjoy my hobbies without the OCD and OCPD like. telling me things i don't want to post publicly for fear of triggering someone else. it always feels like i have a gun to my head whenever i do anything. i have limited time. if i'm doing x, i'm not doing y z a b c d e f g etc. i can't do it all.

i have so much interest and passion and curiosity, and want to explore everything and try everything and do so so so so so many things. but i can't. i'll never have enough time.

why can't my brain be satisfied?

i can never take a break. i can never rest. i can never focus. i have to run and run and run and run and run and run and run

[beyonddeathnote]

goddddddd i feel so overwhelmed

the dissociation and FND have been hitting so hard this year. tho all things considered we're coping pretty damn well, i'm really proud of us.

july 5th 2024 - now has just been. nonstop chaos. with some added stuff from 2023 thrown in. everything's falling apart. in a million different ways. including in my personal life and the personal lives off all of my friends. my futures and my world views keep getting shattered over and over and over.

it's so bad. it's so bad it's so bad. i've been doing all the right therapy things. taking care of ourselves. and it's been keeping us afloat. but god i need more. we've been self-regulating all day and i'm still so tense and dissociated and foggy and teary and jumpy and ugh.

i've got a million things i need to do. and a million things i want to do. and i love all my friends so much, and want to be there for all of them, want to put 100% of my care and focus on every last one of them.

but at the same time i just want to be very alone and very quiet and very small for a while. i want to curl up and hide and not talk to anybody.

everyone's so angry. all the time. and so tense. it's in the air everywhere. i'm so so so sensitive to the energy around me, it's overwhelming, i can't take it i can't take it. i don't even want to open my mouth. i don't want to say anything. i'm scared every time i do. even with people i know and trust.

it feels like i'm always doing everything wrong. my nervous system is so worked up. i'm so scared. i don't wanna piss anyone off. or make anyone more stressed.

i wanna help. i don't want anyone to leave me. or dislike me. or get distant. don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me.

i wanna take care of everyone. my friends are hurting. everyone is hurting. i wanna alleviate the hurt. but i can't. and they're scared too. talking is hard for them too. but that's all i can do. if i draw something for them, will they feel how much i care? will they think it's obligatory? will they feel bad or feel like they owe me? i just want them to feel safe and loved. i want to bring them happiness. i want to help i want to help i want to help.

i need to be small i need to be quiet i need to hide i need to curl up and focus on only one or two things.

but it's all slipping out of my grasp. everything's getting destroyed. i'm running out of time. i'm always running out of time. i'm out of time. they're going to hurt me and i'm going to die.

it doesn't have to be this way. it never had to be this way. why do people have to destroy things?

everyone's dying. i can't help. everyone's scared. everyone's hurting. everyone's angry. angry, angry, angry.

scared.

i want to be small.

i want to be quiet.

[beyonddeathnote]

the original butchfem (dear daniel & hello kitty)

[beyonddeathnote]

did I ever tell yall I used to think charlie chaplin was a drag king. for like three years straight

[beyonddeathnote]

In-system relationships can be so intimate.

Waking up together, opening the same eyes, and stretching the same limbs. Yawning in time and saying a good morning that only you who are involved can understand what it's for.

Sharing a meal, not only from the same plate, but with the same hands and the same senses. Deciding what to eat together, something that fits all of your tastes.

Curled in the same bed, in the same blankets, in the same body, drowzily mumbling about nothing and everything to each other. Joking around and feeling their sleepy laugh as if it were your own.

Living life, and inviting them to share yours and your time in it--performing your daily tasks in the unison of cofront. Seeing and hearing and feeling everything together.

Feeling them blush when you flirt or compliment them. Feeling their joy when you get them a gift, or how safe you make them feel simply when you're around them.

Enveloped in the same love, from the same brain, with the same feeling of care for each other palpable between you. Feeling the emotions you feel yourself, coming from the other person. Feeling their love for you, in the rawest, most direct possible way.

[beyonddeathnote]

"why suck the strap" why look at a sunset. why listen to your favourite song. why stop to smell the flowers. come on now

[beyonddeathnote]

read that post blacked out and woke up with this on my computer. crazy. stay safe out there everyone

[beyonddeathnote]

Fat Claude and her girlfriend at Le Monocle, a lesbian bar in Paris, in 1936. Photographed by multi-hyphenate Hungarian-French artist Brassaï

[beyonddeathnote]

Madison shot by Phyllis Christopher, On Our Backs April-May 2003 Edition (from: @dykearchived)

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random 2000s lesbians on abandoned 16 year old flickr account you mean absolutely fucking everything to me

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"Unfortunately, I'm a trans man"

Oh honey, no. Fortunately, you are. Because the world needs more people who aren't afraid to be their most authentic selves. Being a man is yours, and I will celebrate it with you.

[beyonddeathnote]

I recently found these ACT UP stickers at a swap meet. Written on back San Francisco 1987.

[beyonddeathnote]

(ych) phoenix [she/her] for @thecooler !! 👀

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Today I met happiness

[beyonddeathnote]

pink ⚢