blogfromthedead

[blogfromthedead]

July 26th, 2024

Hi, Evie here. It's been a minute. Hope you've been okay. I'm in a weird spot, but a better one for sure. I'm on medication now, Lamotrigine (mood stabilizer), Sertraline (anti-depressant), and Hydroxyzine (anti-anxiety, and as needed). They're helping, even if a little. Therapy is also going really well. My doctor is queer, and has trans family members. I'm extremely fortunate to have such a supportive mental health clinic to help sedate and help heal me. I'm truly, truly thankful. I've officially been diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD. I'm extremely happy to know this, and I've sort of stopped the feelings of being an imposter... kind of. But this is great news none the less! I'm not sure how this will affect my plans, but for now I am happy for my growth. Still way more for me to improve on, but a first step is a first step. I think I'm still going to kill myself in the future. But I am, as stated before, so happy to know I am giving it my all. I've also made a real-life friend. We'll call her Ana. I get out of the house to hang out with her. She's also a fellow struggler. She's in an abusive relationship, and is struggling heavily with BPD. I feel bad being a bystander and knowing her hardships, but thankfully I am able to try and provide a ear to listen. I wish I could do much more, but I am currently unable. Otherwise though, we kicked off on a really high note. We hung out for nearly 8 hours just speaking about our lives, our struggles/traumas, and our futures. Of course, I wasn't exactly truthful with my hopes, or the lack there of. I don't bring up my plans with anyone, except two other people. Those being my psychiatrist and therapist, they're aware. Here's to hoping for a better year moving forward!

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[blogfromthedead]

June 22nd, 2024

Hi, Evie here. Today comes with a bit of oddness I think. I am in a strange state of melancholy and yearning. For the first time (in a very, very long time) Friday I... didn't want to kill myself? I know this sounds silly. I know this is a small pebble in the pond of peoples day to day, but... I experienced (even for a small moment) relief. I felt that hey, maybe things really will work out. I've most certainly come down from that high, but it was such a foreign and freeing feeling. I miss it. Truthfully, while I am giving this year my all in order to 'live without regret' before killing myself next June, I wonder if there is some part of fighting desperately to survive. I find comfort in both of these parts of me, I think. I don't feel damned if I do damned if I don't. I think as long as I am trying my best, I'll be okay if I die now or if I die 5 years from now. I also met with a psychologist this week in order to have a psyche evaluation. I have been cleared for not having DID which is sort of a relief. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD which albeit no brainers, is a start in this lengthy journey I think. I am looking unlikely to have Bipolar syndrome. Although I do experience moments of mania and psychosis, these apparently can still be attached to generalized anxiety and depression so I am unlikely to get a diagnosis until we try and medicate those two. I am looking like a candidate for BPD and ADHD which isn't totally a surprise to be honest. Hopefully I can get confirmation on this soon. I am uneducated in what things to look out for so that I can better communicate certainty to the doctors in whether I have these mental disorders or not but I think that will become clearer to me given time. I came out to my aunt who I lived with and was very close with in my childhood. She was... completely ecstatic. Supportive and so, so incredibly sweet. So much joy swelled within my heart to be accepted so readily by family that wasn't my mom. Soon I'll be telling my cousin who is really like a sibling. I am excited to break the news, I think he'll be just as excited if not more. Tomorrow, there is a pop up venue for trans bipoc goths (of course they welcome everyone, but this is their intended audience) at a local bar in center city. I think I'm going to try and go, see if I can meet and mingle with people although this will both be my first time alone at a venue, and my first time at a bar so I feel quite intimidated and scared. I wonder if my persecution complex has garnered into some form of agoraphobia. Regardless, I think I am going to try and make it. Wish me luck! Overall, I think its been a really good week for me and there is more on the horizon to look forward to. I might be excited? I'd like to think so, at least.

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[blogfromthedead]

I feel like I keep doing everything wrong

[blogfromthedead]

June 11th, 2024

Hi, Evie here. Things have been on a pretty bad trend as of late. Had my first call with 988 on the 28th of last month, they sent out a crisis intervention team to my place. I met them outside on the steps so that way I didn't disturb my roommates and more importantly keep this hidden from them. I didn't end up leaving to a hospital with them as I had calmed down for the time but that phone call before they arrived was messy. I live in a 4 story apartment/town house. It's... quite nice and I'm very fortunate to be here and to be supported by my roommates. That night, on that call, I was pacing back and forth on the rooftop as we have access to it. That was maybe one of the scariest nights for my well being. I kept asking myself would I survive if I just climbed a little further? Unfortunately, I think I would. That's all that kept me alive that night. If I could guarantee the fall would kill me I would've taken it with zero hesitation. ... But that uncertainty kept me here, at least a little longer. I know I promised myself 'just a little more'. But... I don't know if I can keep up with the pace I've set for myself. I feel like I am drowning every day. Nothing I do to try and cope helps. I can't reach out to anyone I know. I have nobody to rely on. I don't have a family/friends house to go and escape. I'm so fucking alone. Today, at a new clinic and with the will to try again with therapy/psychiatry, I was asked to set up a safety plan. How can I? I can't identify when I'm going to trigger these feelings. Nothing I do to cope works. I don't have anyone to talk to, to try and keep me from harm. The people I live with refuse. I don't know what to do. Do people like me normally have access to these things? I wish there was a magic pill I could take that would whisk me away in my sleep, peacefully and without repercussion. Unfortunately, all I have is a few pills I can take with a 40% success rate and plenty of repercussion and consequence if I fail. I have to be sure I do this right, otherwise things only get worse. Don't let me worry you. I'm going to try and affirm myself that I should keep trying until the date comes. I think I finally have a date in mind. I'm thinking somewhere around the second week of June, next year. Maybe. I'd like to go to pride again if I can. Philly pride was such a wonderful experience and honestly it helped me feel better for a few days after such an awful past few weeks. Next year I want to go, dress up nice, put on make up, do my nails and... be myself. I will be myself. I keep telling myself "hang in there, Evie". Hang in there. You too. Don't be like me please. I don't want anyone to have to experience what I am experiencing. No one deserves this. I'm so sorry if you are, and know you're not alone.

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going better for you. I really do.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[blogfromthedead]

May 23rd, 2024.

Hi, Evie here.

It's been a while. I didn't end up posting on my birthday like I had promised. It's kind of funny, the first commitment I make to this blog and I immediately turn away from it. So in the future I will not hold myself to committing. Sorry if the gap in time was concerning. It's not time for that, not yet at least, so I'm okay physically.

It's an awkward realization I've come to realize that I feel significantly less lonely… when I am alone. with no commitments to others, with no one near me or in my ears. Only total isolation. It's not always like this, but as of recent I've been turning down most invitations to hang out. Of course there's been a few exceptions, one I'd like to talk about in a moment, but I think this time alone has been and will forever be important to me. I don't know why. I don't know if I like it either. But… I feel happy.

I wonder if this craving for isolation is because I don't feel truly 'around'. I feel alienated or I can feel the weight of a perception of me that truthfully isn't there. It's asphyxiating. I think there are maybe two people in this world that I am able to let down my guard, if only a bit, and relax fully in comfort. We'll call them A and S. I met S first, pretty soon after my break-up with my ex's in a public social hub for trans people. We where both new to this community and had immediately shared interest in a funny cartoonish FPS. We kind of hit it off immediately. S is nonbinary, uses they/them pronouns. They've been an important figure in my life since my break up, and probably the first person I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. They accepted me when it felt like the world couldn't. They're an important voice in my life and I treasure them very much. For the longest time I wanted a 'best friend'. I think I found one in S.

Oddly enough, a similar story is told with A. I met A through said cartoonish FPS. I was originally flirting with A's friend when we had met due to them having a pretty funny username. I was also admittedly going through the woes of a break up and losing a large portion of both physical and mental intimacy, so it leaked out into my social life when I met people for awhile. So after accidently flustering A's friend, they both saw me as an interesting person and soon enough I found myself on their friends list. Soon enough I was in their semi-private group-chat.

A is also trans, uses she/her pronouns. At first I wasn't really sure what to make of A. She was anxious to meet new people, it was written all over her when she met me. She was often blunt with her feelings, and often lacked tact. She very much spoke her mind and it could often times upset those around her, although I never mind this about her. I like the honesty she provides, and I guess that allowed for me to take an interest in her. Soon enough, after awhile of bonding, our relationship soon reflected how I felt about S. I feel safe and comfortable to be at least a little vulnerable with her. She's an incredibly intelligent person (even works for NASA, what the fuck.) but also someone who tries to look out for everyone in her own way. She can be pretty hard on herself at times, wayyy too hard. She's not perfect by any means, but I hope in our friendship I can act as a voice of reason when she doubts herself.

Only around these two, do I not feel alienated or lonely. They both mean a lot to this lonely girl. I want to make more friends like them, and preferably not online. That being said, I do actually have a few IRL mutuals but… my relationship with them is awkward to say the least. They're all friends with both of my ex's, and I had met them all through one of them. Me being me, I don't want to harm or strain either of my ex's relationships, so I've inadvertently removed myself 'as a friend'. I know this behavior isn't fair to myself or them. I know.

I've always been self-destructive. I am glad I can realize it now, but it feels much like watching a car accident in real time. You can clearly see the cars collide, or maybe even have the precognition to know that they where going to before hand. But the cars will collide, at least for now. I mean, this is a blog written by a person who wants to die and is planning to. Can't expect too much reason I suppose.

For today, I'd like to talk about one of those IRL mutuals. J, he/him. J is a large boisterous person. Both literally and figuratively. Guys like almost 7 feet tall, and his laughter will permeate an entire room by itself. He's a big softie and maybe a little ignorant at times but I do cherish these things about him. Recently J had invited me to hang out and get some food. I felt like this would be a nice way to get out of the room and out of my house, so I obliged. It was wonderful. We got some cheap pizza from a local halal restaurant and relaxed at a park. Unexpectedly, he broke out a heart to heart with me. The chasm I had made with him and the others was a noticeable one, and it felt good to know that it was noticed. It also helped me realize the guilt I had with my actions. I know I am being unfair, but he didn't make me feel like I was.

Genuine sympathy and empathy for me. I'm… not familiar with that and yet J had displayed it for me very suddenly. We weren't necessarily close before this either. Most of our time previously was spent playing video games and talking about silly topics strung around by whatever was talked about at the time in that group. Needless to say I was shocked he reached out to me, asked me how I was doing, and if I was ok.

Given the nature of this blog, it is easy to deduce that I am in fact not okay. I am aware that I am a very mentally unwell person but I do not want to make that anyone else's problem. I did air out a few of my thoughts in regards to my ex's and opened up about my reservations and cause of distance. It felt fair to do so. He understood, he accepted it all. I did not say much more past that, and on the surface I still appear 'normal' in a way. I wonder if I will ever find somebody that I can be completely bare with.

Am I yearning for love? Probably. That's probably what this is. I've learned quite a bit about myself in these past 6 months. I no longer had a relationship to hide myself in. No reason to keep up the façade now. I still very much struggle being vulnerable with somebody. One day I will peel the egg, so to speak.

It feels great to write these blogs again.

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[blogfromthedead]

May 8th, 2024

Hi, Evie here. I maybe forgot to update the blog yesterday. Oops. Nothing happened which... is kind of rare but heavily welcomed. As for today, it was mostly just a doc visit with my PCP. It went really well! Although its scary how much the human body can change over time. My vision has gotten way worse and I am now realizing that. Maybe I'll be fortunate and be able to afford some really cute glasses. Fingers crossed! My weight is steadily dropping. It's really not great to have an ED. I am extremely obsessive over calorie counting and exercise; to a point where I walk everywhere I go even if that may take an entire hour. I just wish I could see it more internally. I have dropped 55lbs over 7 and a half months and yet... I don't see a difference. I can feel it. I can only visualize it by the clothes that no longer fits. Tomorrows is my birthday. I don't plan on doing much by myself, and I don't really have many to celebrate it with. Originally thought about going out with some IRLs after talking about it before but then they sort of cancelled on me. It's ok. I know they are going through some stuff at home with their cats. I hope they're doing okay. So I will be at home alone with a bottle of soju, a buffalo chicken stromboli, and some cheesecake I think. I normally don't like spending this much on food for myself but... special occasion y'know? I think I will be extremely pretentious tomorrow in my blog. I'll open up about my relationship with birthdays and their importance to me. I hope that I may see you around for that. If I don't, that's ok. Life comes at you quick and setting an expectation of commitment can be hard. I mean hell, I accidently forgot about my commitment to write here.

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[blogfromthedead]

May 6th, 2024

Hi, Evie here. Today went significantly better than I expected! Tons of new stuff on the horizon for me to be excited about. Contacted my insurance company looking for new psychs in network. After probably the most gender affirming call with somebody who only looked at my file and without asking questions I now have a list of doctors to sift through. She even specified LGBTQ+ friendly doctors. I'm extremely accepting of stuff like this. Especially after last week haha. I also got dental and optometry going! Hopefully I am doing okay but after years of self-neglect and poor hygiene. I would not be surprised to see a lot awry. Only one way to fix it. Only one way up. On a less stellar note; Roommates continue to be noncommunicative and an issue to talk to. Oh well. I don't want to be confrontational or anything. I just wish they didn't ignore me when I ask a question. I get that they're uncomfortable around me. I wish they'd say something instead of pretending otherwise. I want to fix what's going on with that but that isn't a mutual feeling I fear. They are still helping me out a lot with nothing in return for them so I am extremely grateful. I wish I could air out these issues in a productive manner with them so that way we could rebuild our relationship. I wonder if this is an issue with me or them. I don't know. Maybe its not an issue at all and I am just overly sensitive to even the smallest feeling of perceived neglect. I try not to overcriticize either party. I just want to get to the bottom of it. Other than that... I took today almost entirely to myself. I didn't end up going to the library as planned. Something to do tomorrow! Today was nice. It felt productive overall.

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[blogfromthedead]

May 5th, 2024

Hi, Evie here.

Today was pretty uneventful considering everything, but honestly after a pretty shitty and hectic week, this was kind of needed. A nice comfortable rest day in the company of some people I've just recently met... we'll call them Group L.

Group L is honestly a fun bunch of people but there's an awkward social boundary that I have established between me and them seemingly invisibly. I don't speak as much as I kind of just let their voices occupy the space. Generally I just tag around and listen. Of course I do interact from time to time. I don't want to be socially intangible. I actually really enjoy the company of others albeit this sometimes wrecks my social battery.

Today we spent most of our time together that day in a voice chat. It was nice! We played a game you've probably heard of maybe in passing or play yourself for most of our time together. This weekend was a little special as the game features these little simulated 'tournaments'. It's a really cute novelty and a great excuse to hang out in the company for others.

As a team we're not very good at said game but that feels totally okay for me. I used to be a very competitive person but as I've begun to feel out my identity and who I want to be I decided the woes of a competitive environment weren't for me. Instead I've transitioned to using the guise of competitiveness as a means to meet other people and get to know them.

As fun as this can be this isn't all sunshine and rainbows. A big issue when it comes to groups of gamers at times is the level of social immaturity and inability to exercise emotions in a healthy way (rich coming from a person scheduling her own suicide, I know). Often times some of the people in the group will shut down entirely—one to the point of tears—despite it just being a game.

Situations like that often feel like social asphyxiation. I am unsure of how to defuse another's emotions. Honestly it's not my job to do so but as someone veiling as a 'friend'... I often feel responsible.

After some mind wrecking losses to them we ended up forfeiting as a group in order to maybe move onto something more fun. We played party games for a while, then went our separate ways.

Everything considered... it ended okay. A little somber for me but oh well.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

I plan on attempting once more to enter the gauntlet of healthcare in order to figure out if this dentistry will actually accept my insurance. They've been vague about in the past, but with a scheduled appointment on the 7th I may as well try to get them to verify it over the phone before potentially wasting my time.

I also plan on trying to find a new psychiatrist. Last visit was fucking awful. The long and skinny of it; I ended up in a room with a 75 year old man with a Viagra clock for about 35 minutes trying to talk about my current issues and ailments (Including my suicidal ideation). I proceeded to get stonewalled and kind of hurried off by this doctor?

This doctor was fucking awful. For numerous reasons. Calling the process of undergoing hormone replacement therapy as 'mimicking a woman's menstrual cycle' to dead naming me several times after establishing that I was a trans woman twice. He did not ask for my name even. He just did not care for me. I tried bringing up being screened for ADHD, Bipolar, BPD, DID, getting treatment/therapy for anxiety and depression. All he did was ask me a few questions in regards to bipolar. He then quickly prescribed me anti-psychotics (without a proper bipolar diagnosis) that I am completely unsure of whether I should take them due to being not informed of their affects or side effects properly, and then said goodbye seemingly abruptly as the next patient arrived.

I need help mentally. I am aware of this. You are probably—hopefully—aware of this given the nature of this blog. Despite committing to the idea of killing myself currently I am also committed to the ideas of trying and having no regrets. These two thoughts co-exist. I also accept that there is fully a possibility that I wont be suicidal. But currently I accept that I am.

Hopefully my insurance will be gentle in this process and help me identify an office that is friendlier next. I will do my best to explain the situation like above. Hopefully this goes well. Wish me luck.

Other than that... just some grocery shopping and I'm free to laze around. I think I might visit the library. I look forward to these things the most. Growing up in poverty I did not get much variety in choice in what I ate. I am still poor now but under government assistance I can at least have some variance. I need to better my nutrition. I am on a sole protein diet it feels like and I would like that to change. I want to at least try and live healthy.

I think for the library I'm going to check for a copy of some pretty known books for literature as a means to try and start reading. I've got a few that I'm interested in; Wuthering Heights and Moby Dick specifically.

That's all I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[blogfromthedead]

Something of an introduction, and a first post.

Hi, you can call me Evie. I am a 22 (I'll be 23 in just a few short days of this post going out) MtF transbian struggling with worsening mental health and isolation. As of writing this: • I don't have very many friends. • I have little family, and those I do I am not on good terms with • I am currently unmedicated, and my mental health is drastically declining. • I am currently unemployed and have no future aspects in life.

For the past few years of my life, I have felt stuck and I've decided that I am going to try to attempt and better myself while I can. I have also decided that I am going to kill myself within a vague time in the near future. I'm going to live the rest of my life without regret.

I am not making this blog out of wanting sympathy or pity. I am making this blog to write down and blog my life in what I believe to be my final years. The blog might be a cry for help? I really don't know. I am not great at dealing with my emotions, and I struggle to hold stable healthy relationships.

For me, for now, I find closure and am content with casting my voice out there in this sea of binary. This blog is my metaphorical message in a bottle. To those who have found this; I hope you are well and I hope things doing okay.