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Substack

Recently started a Substack I'll be uploading daily on both accounts. Go support me there too please!

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It Ends with Us, Colleen Hoover

I recently watched the movie It Ends with Us, and I deeply resonated with it because my mother was beat by her husband (now ex) and my grandmother as well. It shows how people live patterns based on the things they see growing up, but it also allows us to see that it is wrong and what we women should not seek in a man. My mom ended that pattern, which could most likely go on beyond her own mother's generation. My mom wanted better for me and stopped the pattern of abuse, bettering herself and me at the same time. My dad was around but not present; if that makes sense, she tells me, "You deserved to have a father. It's not your fault, Bella." My mom is a strong woman, and I would not want any other woman to have raised me except her; she is my best friend and the only person I cannot live without. I love you, mom.

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literally me and my hg

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Once in a life times friends

When people talk about once in a lifetime, I don't think they grasp the significance. The human life expectancy is just above 70, meaning you have 1/70 chances of meeting this person. Some people never find lifelong friends, but I most definitely have. My one-of-a-kind is Megan. We met when we were in elementary school and have been through a lot, but we always found our way back to each other. We talk all the time and sometimes go a month or two without speaking, but when we do, it feels like we never stopped. The other day she came over mine; it was out of the blue, but I wasn't busy, so why not come over? We were lounging on the couch when she said, "BBella isn't it funny how we can do this, hanging out whenever and wherever?" I laughed and said, "Yeah, but that's what friends do, Megan." Megan and I are very different, but not so different that we clash; we are so different that we just pair perfectly together. We don't go to school together anymore, but we still keep in contact, and honestly, I think it's so much better because you get worn out of the same people all the time and slowly have resentment or just displeasure being with them. I'm not saying this is always the case, but I've seen it happen. Losing friends stinks, but having one you know will never leave is the most beautiful thing a person can have. Life happens, sure, but losing someone as dear to you as Megan is to me is heartbreaking, and I hope if you read this, you are blessed with a person like that you can cherish.

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Aimless Affairs

Recently, I was supposed to go on a double date by the end of the week. It is Monday, and the date was supposed to be Friday. My date was someone I know, a friend, or something we've flirted with, kissed, and seen together. We never talk outside of events where we impulsively acted, but you can deny our acquaintances. I know he finds me attractive, and he knows I find him attractive, so what would be better than a double date for our two friends? No, the other couple didn't make it that far, meaning he and I have no reason to talk, which is upsetting because I really wanted to see him, maybe see how far I could take it. If it would be good, then we could possibly begin talking, leading to anything. Last time we were together, we made out heavy. I was drunk, and he was too, but it did happen. The next day, I never received a text or anything in pure silence, and we never talked about it again. A few days later, we saw each other again at a mutual friend's quince we exchanged hi and byes.

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The only thing I need to fulfill my life is to have a Sex and the City girls photoshoot

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NYC vs. LA

Why is it that New Yorkers always seem to like Los Angeles more than New Yorkers and Angelenos, and vice versa? I am from East LA, born and raised, and I love my home. Don't get me wrong, but I love New York so much more. I was in the Prada store with my stepmom when the topic of where we were from came up, and the sales associate said he knew more New Yorkers that loved Los Angeles more than New York, and I was like, That's weird. I am an Angeleno who loves New York, but maybe that is just a personal preference. I love that nothing is ever boring; I love the fast life; I love meeting new people; and so much more. I just absolutely love New York. I've been for all the seasons and dislike summer, but that's literally anywhere. As much as I personally love New York, I met a woman today who was a New Yorker and described herself as a "transplant' who loves Los Angeles so much more for its arts, writing, poetry, fashion, and all its connections. She said Los Angeles is "numero uno." Maybe we love each other's home places because we know and grew up there, so a change of pace is what some of us need in our lives. I think that is the case for me. My dream colleges are in New York, so that's the plan—to leave and go to school.

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Summer fling

Recently, I started talking to this guy named Sebastian; he's a friend of a friend, whatever. He's pretty cute but a total nerd. I have nothing against nerds, but like, I play sports, and you would normally find me with a baseball player or football player around there, so a non-athletic guy is kind of a new step. Moving on, though we've been talking, he's alright and easy to flirt with, but do you ever just talk to someone just to do it? He's perfect fling material, if that's not totally offensive. Hes cute; summers are almost over, meaning I could get a last summer fling in. I don't know he's so not my regular guy and lives a bit away; it's obviously not going anywhere, but is it bad to cut it off for no actual reason? It's your generic talking stage, flirting, texting 24/7, all that, but the thing is, my friends don't think he's cute at all, and he's super sweet, but I don't think he knows we are an exclusive summer thing. Should I feel bad? 

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It meant "nothing."

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Mixed Signals

There is nothing I hate more in dating life than mixed signals, because one moment you will be all over me, and the next I can’t even get a text. At a party, this guy I knew came onto me heavy. We made out, and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. He had no shame in it either, unlike the following day, where I received no text, no DM, and absolutely nothing. The next time I saw him, he told my girl friend how bad he felt about not texting me and that he planned to talk to me but once again did not get a text or a conversation. What I did get was a stare, and my friend said he was totally checking me out. I'm sure it was something around that, because he did have some kind of attraction to me, but not nearly enough to talk to me or the confidence to speak to me. It’s so annoying, though. Like, what is the point when all you did was kiss and tell? Nobody cares you kissed me; rather, people are telling me to stay away from you because you are a “manwhore.”

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Lover, You Should've Come Over

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Reminisce

A while ago, I stopped seeing a boy who I liked a lot. He was a little older but very attractive. Our "situationship" didn't last long, but it was just long enough to get me attached. We ended things on good terms, but I would repeatedly break no contact, drunk and sad. The first and last time I did that, I sent him drunk videos crying, telling him to come back and that I was sorry for everything I had done. He then later took the videos and sent them to people, showing many mutual friends, destroying my reputation, but more my ego, I felt like an embarrassment. After the first time, I learned to leave it where it was and that he truly did not care for me anymore to go out of his way to embarrass me. Fast forward about 2 months. I got over him and started to see other people. I'm not sure if he knew, but that's none of his business anyway. I saw him at a friend's quince. I was wearing a bright white dress with pink heels; if that wasn't enough for him to recognize me, my curly blonde brown hair definitely was. I did not know he was there until I saw him sitting on the other side of the venue. The minute I saw him, I turned away so fast, hoping he didn't see me. (he did.) I pretended not to see him the whole night, knowing I would sneak glances, hoping not to see another girl with you. We will never exist again, but that doesn't stop me from reminiscing about the good moments with the hope that you will just come back to me and to us.

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Seeing You Again

I know we are over, and there is absolutely not a single thing I can do to undo my mistakes with us, and even though we both moved on, I still found myself with a leap in my heart or maybe my stomach at the sight of you. We have hurt each other, and you have damaged my reputation, but seeing you again looking at me still makes my heart race. I don't miss you, and I don't hope you come back, but seeing you knowing our history will never not make my heart race.

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I just want a man who will buy me Manolo Blahniks. Is that so much to ask for?

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Recently purchased a pair of Manolo Blahniks they are my favorite shoes ever