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bluemerakis · 2 months ago

Text

DON’T SMILE

pairing .ᐟ ex!bf!rafe x fem!thornton!reader

warnings .ᐟ angst. set between s3 & s4. mentions of sofia. rafe and reader are tragic. oc mentioned who is reader’s best friend. little bit of rafe being an asshole. [lmk if i’ve missed any]

summary .ᐟ after an incredibly messy break up with rafe, you see him at your childhood home, his arm around someone else, stirring up a whirlwind of emotions you thought you’d already dealt with / loosely based off of don’t smile by sabrina carpenter :)

acknowledgements .ᐟ gif creds: @1liv | divider creds: @pommecita

a/n: there will most certainly be a part 2 called good graces so comment if you’d like to be tagged for it :)

on day’s like this one, where the sun peeked through the tree tops, casting slight shadows through your bedroom window; where the summer air was cool against your skin, carrying the scent of the ocean from outerbanks’ many beaches, you often found yourself reminiscing to when you’d spend these days with rafe.

god you loved him with everything you had, and maybe that was the issue; you’d put so much into your relationship, you hadn’t even realised just how much you were losing yourself during the process.

the drugs, the constant arguments and empty promises, the anger he harboured and his familial issues; it all boiled over until there was nothing left to forgive; how could you possibly forgive the unforgivable?

then he left obx, with nothing but a simple break up text to let you know and with that a good part of you left as well. your friends had told you it was for the best, your mother held you during those sleepless nights, hell, even your brother, topper, had consoled you.

as the days since he’d left turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months, six to be exact, slowly but surely you began to feel like yourself again, that part of yourself he’d taken with him, blossoming again, the dull ache in your heart reduced to nothing more than a minuscule pinch.

you had recently moved into a loft, most of your personal items had been moved out of your room at home, yet there were a few things you still had to pack. once dressed, you drove the familiar route back to your childhood home, exasperatedly sighing once you noticed all the car’s parked out front.

your brother’s ability to throw a party at any given occasion was truly staggering, already chucking your phone back into your purse as judging by the loud music thumping from the backyard he wouldn’t be able to hear his phone ringing anyway.

you navigated your way through the throes of people, your eyes scanning the room for topper, bottom lip nudged between your teeth in concentration; when you finally found him, you rolled your eyes, “dude what the fuck? a heads up would’ve been nice—i told you i was coming round to get the rest of my shit,” you shook your head, ready to drag him upstairs to help you with the rest of your boxes when a mind numbing sight showed itself to you.

your brother’s frantic attempts at trying to get you away from said mind numbing sight, fell on deaf ears, your eyes trained on rafe cameron, back in obx, with his arm around a pretty brunette.

you swallowed back the bile rising in your throat, your shaky gaze shifting to your brother, who’s face seemed sober again, brows furrowed in that same way it had been when you and rafe had first broken up.

you didn’t say anything, just shoved past topper to get back inside and toward the stairs, body physically moving yet your mind stayed on that image, the smile he’d reserved for you and only you was for someone else now.

the minute your bedroom door closed you let out a quivering sigh, the possibility of rafe coming back, with a girl at that, having never crossed your mind, inhaling and exhaling shakily as the edge of your mattress, the same mattress littered with too many daunting memories of rafe and yourself, sinking as you sat down, hands planted on your knees as you came to terms with the sight downstairs.

the inner turmoil swirling in your gut halted as the sound of your door opening brought you back to the present, ready to tell topper to fuck off only to be stopped in your tracks by the sight of him.

don't smile because it happened, baby, cry because it's over

your heart rate picked up as he stood in the doorway, his lips parted as he ran a hand over his buzzed hair, looking aside down the hallway before letting himself into your room, the sickeningly familiar sight causing your nose to scrunch.

a pregnant pause ensued, your position on the edge of your bed solidified as you just stared up at him, he looked better, sober; of course he’d become sober right after breaking up with you, that was just your luck.

“top said you wouldn’t be here—look i wouldn’t have come if i knew you’d be here alright?” he finally spoke, that sharp edge to his voice still the same, clearing his throat as he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

you said nothing, simply stood up and walked to the last two open boxes, reaching for the duct tape to close them, the sound of the tape ripping keeping you grounded, blinking the tears from your vision as you crouched with your back to him.

“you look good—sober,” you finally spoke, the sound of your voice like honey to a sore throat for rafe; he hated leaving things the way they were, but he was stupid and high, all the fucking time, the only concerns in his head being the next fix and the gold his family was so unhealthily obsessed with.

he nodded, sniffling as he stepped closer, his signet ring cool to the touch as he scratched at the label of his golf shirt, “yeah—i uh, i don’t do that shit anymore, messed with my head too much,” he murmured, adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.

god there were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he had to say, so many things he had to explain, but he was too chicken shit to say them, explanations dying on his tongue, your quiet voice intercepting him before he could even think of saying anything else, “what’s her name?” you blurted out, internally slapping yourself for even showing him that you cared.

oh, you're supposed to think about me every time you hold her

he looked down at his feet, clenching and unclenching his fists before answering earnestly, “sofia—look we’re not together together—just having fun—she’s a pogue,” he rambled out, blue eyes desperate with something, you couldn’t tell what. why did he feel the need to explain himself to you, he broke up with you, he could do whatever he wanted. right?

you only nodded, your hands halting as you looked over your shoulder, eyes clearly red rimmed and slowly swelling; he hated seeing you like this. you hated seeing yourself like this.

“she’s pretty,” you added, standing up, fiddling with a loose thread on your top, your tongue darting out to wet your lips.

“not as pretty as you—she isn’t you,“ he says with a heavy heart, jaw clenched as he stepped closer, testing the waters to see if you’d push him away.

you just shrugged, insults, retorts and a million questions burning as they sat on the tip of your tongue, turning back around to finish closing up the boxes, “d’you need help with those?” he stammered out, not wanting this brief conversation to end so soon. he missed you so fucking much.

you didn’t answer him, quickly wiping your eyes with the back of your hand before grunting as you lifted the one box, looking up to see rafe almost pressed to your back, “let me help—“ he whispered again, his hand moving to place itself onto your shoulder, the contact sending a shiver down your spine, “rafe—i got it, i don’t need your help!” you snapped, glaring up at him.

he raised his hands in mock surrender, stepping back whilst murmuring a barely inaudible ‘sorry’, his eyes soft as he watched you walk, clenching his fist as your figure walked through the door and down the hallway, punching the wall as he contemplated the interaction.

you had mulled over the interaction with rafe a plethora of times after that, even going as far as to dig up old photos and memorabilia from your years together.

pour my feelings in the microphone

I stay in and when the girls come home

tears dusted your cheeks as you looked through an album on your phone; an album with photos that were supposed to be long forgotten. you swore to yourself you’d delete it but you really couldn’t find it in your heart to do so.

you stumbled onto a video, you were recording yourself and rafe trying a new boba drink; he hadn’t been one for eccentric drinks before you, but secretly longed for them each time he’d buy you one, sipping more than half of your own drink.

you smiled as you looked down at your phone, sniffling as you wiped a tear, watching as the two of you laughed as he tasted the drink, the both of you flopping back onto the pillows, rafe coughing as he nearly choked on the pearls. you weren’t even sure why you were laughing at the time but it felt so good just being around one another, it felt so good just being there with him.

your eyes teared up as you scrolled to another video, one you took of him looking up at you as you straddled his lap, his blue eyes blown wide, pupils nearly taking up the entire iris, his eyes filled with nothing but love as he looked up at you, his hair a little ruffled due to your hand continuously running through it.

it hurt reliving all these memories, reliving them knowing that soon after he’d turn into someone completely different; constantly angry, constantly high, constantly mean to everyone including you.

he wasn’t your rafe anymore, and you found yourself mourning him as though he were dead, because in a way he was.

I want one of them to take my phone, take my phone and lose your number

a knock on your front door brought you back to the present, eyes red rimmed, nose swollen as you sniffled, frantically wiping at them as you pocketed your phone, shuffling toward the door.

your best friend mera had told you she was coming, having immediately texted her as soon as you left your childhood home, the memory of rafe and that girl—sofia—with her beautiful brown hair and bright smile, burned into your brain.

her face fell as she laid her eyes upon yours, eyes downcast as she embraced you, having been there for you when rafe had first broken up with you, she’d witnessed first hand your pain and heartbreak.

she consoled you as you cried, held you as you let out your frustration, comforted you as you shouted profanities, working through your anger that had once simmered down to a dull throb yet now it was back full force.

through the process you’d fallen asleep, only awaking due to the vibration coming from your cellphone, eyes squinting as they adjusted to the light. you hazardously reached for your phone, sitting up against the back of the couch as you peered down at the messages on your screen, all six of them from rafe.

hey

ik you probably don’t wanna hear from me

i get it

but i gotta see you

we should talk this out right?

please?

I don't wanna be tempted

pick up when you wanna fall back in

you chewed the dry skin from your bottom lip, tapping your index finger against the side of your phone as you contemplated answering, hovering your thumb over one of the messages on your lockscreen, ready to reply yet you were interrupted by his name flashing across the screen, phone constantly vibrating as he called you.

you swallowed as you watched the screen, turmoil swirling around in your gut as you answered it, holding the phone up to your ear.

you waited for him to speak, pulling your knees to your chest as you heard nothing but his laboured breaths on the other side of the line.

“hey,” he finally spoke, cursing to himself at the shitty greeting; he’s broken your heart and the best thing he could come up with was ‘hey’?

“hi,” you replied, running a hand down your face as you kept the phone pressed to your ear, “what do you want rafe?” you murmured, voice groggy from sleep.

“look just—fuck—just hear me out alright?” he spoke, his tongue darting out to wet his chapped lips as he frantically ran a hand over his buzzed hair, pacing up and down between the walls of his bedroom.

“if you’re still with that girl—sofia—you shouldn’t even be calling me—i won’t do that to another woman rafe,” you shakily spoke, even murmuring her name out loud hurt, squeezing your eyes at the nauseating feeling in your gut.

you can fake it, but you know I know, know I know (don't)

“fuck i told you we’re not together alright! you never fuckin list—“ he cut himself off before he could finish, the ‘old’ rafe peeking through the cracks, “i’m sorry—i shouldn’t be screaming at you—but we’re not together—i promise you baby we’re not together,” he almost pleaded, biting the skin around his fingernails.

“then why were you with her rafe?” you asked, shaking your head as you swallowed back a cry, bottom lip trembling as you awaited an answer.

“i don’t know alright? just needed something—someone to take the edge off—please just—can i come over? top told me you got your own place now—just-just let me explain myself, let’s have an actual conversation about it?” he frantically pleaded, ready to fall to his knees if push came to shove.

you stayed quiet for a moment, brows furrowed as you contemplated his words, on the verge of telling him to come over when every single memory of him ever hurting you, disappointing you or letting you down, flashed before your eyes; the time he’d forgotten your anniversary because he was too coked out to remember anything; the time he’d brushed off your concerns when you brought up how his father was only manipulating him for his own gain; the time he’d nearly shoved you into a wall because you’d threatened to throw the bag of coke you found, away.

you wiped the tears cascading down your cheeks, phone clutched tightly in your hand as you breathed before answering, “dont ever call me again,” you simply spoke, ending the call before you could hear his retorts, burying your face in your knees as you cried, the hurt you’d convinced yourself you were absolved from, coming back 10x more powerful.

somehow by some miracle, mera had convinced you to go out for drinks with her, having all but dragged you around your loft in the morning, pleading with you to go with her to the country club.

you were reluctant to agree; one, you hadn’t had the energy to go out at all the past few days since seeing rafe, and two, the country club was rafe’s place, hell, the first time you saw him and topper hanging out was at the country club, no doubt he’d be there, and you had no energy to run into him.

but she somehow managed to get your dressed and out the house, polka dot sundress light against your skin in the hot, sunny weather, the softest smile gracing your features as your best friend had managed to crack a joke that made you laugh.

you both settled in at a table, casting a quick look around and thankfully not seeing rafe, the knot in your stomach almost immediately unravelling, your shoulders rolling back with ease as you finally allowed yourself to enjoy the day out, pushing any thoughts of him to your preconscious.

the drinks were flowing, and so was the conversation, your cheeks hurting from the amount of times you’d belly laughed as the two of you finished another round of cocktails.

“okay this one’s on me—you’ve been spoiling me all day let me get this one round alright?” you scoffed, shaking your head as you looked around for the waiter, your eyes scanning the bar at the country club, your waiter nowhere in sight.

“i’ll just go up to the counter, cosmopolitan right?” you asked mera, to which she nodded, cracking up a joke about the previous cocktail you’d both tried for the first time, that ended up tasting of shit, so she’d rather stick with her old faithful.

you laughed along with her, tipsily giggling to yourself as you made your way to the bar top, leaning against it until a bartender was free. you’d been preoccupied with a stray piece of thread on your dress, fiddling with it and trying to tear it off, when the bartender cleared her throat, “hi! what can i get you?” she asked sweetly, your head picking up at the sound.

the smile on your face had almost instantly fallen once you realised who it was—sofia, the girl rafe supposedly said he isn’t dating—your face grew hot as you stood there, your eyes raking over her every facial feature, nausea bubbling in the pit of your stomach at how beautiful she was up close.

your trance like state was interrupted as she called out to you again, her face etched with worry as you seemed unresponsive, “miss are you alright? do you need some water or?” she’d asked again, nearly cursing to yourself at how sweet she was being.

“sorry uhm—no i’m fine thanks, just got distracted is all—can i just get two cosmopolitan’s for table twelve please,” you groggily spoke, all the alcohol leaving your body as she nodded, typing it into the system, about to pay you a compliment like the sweet girl she apparently was, but you stormed off before she could get another word in, heels clacking against the floor as you made your way back to your table.

just the mere sight of her made you sick, and not even in a mean way, just the thought of rafe, your rafe, taking out all of his shitty anger issues on you, repeatedly hurting you, disappearing on you with nothing but a shitty break up text, only to become better—sober—immediately after your break up and choosing to show this new self to someone else.

your mind reeled with questions as you got back to the table, giving half assed replies to mera’s questions; was sofia more deserving of a ‘fixed’ rafe than you were? what made him go to her and not you the moment he came back to obx?

every possible thought had bile rising in your throat, what made it worse was it was so hard to dislike her, even if you had no plausible reason to seeing as you and rafe weren’t actually together anymore and he could do whatever he wanted, no matter how much it hurt and from the small interaction you had with her it was almost clear why rafe was around her.

she resembled the part of you that had died once rafe became addicted to coke, the part of you that had long since been seen when he’d take out his familial issues on you, the part of you that had slowly chipped away with each argument you had with rafe. the part of you that was dead and buried, long forgotten when you received that sickening break up text.

she was you before all of rafe’s baggage had dragged you down.

after a while you excused yourself from the table, assuring mera that you were fine and just needed to go to the bathroom.

once there, you went into a stall, your phone vibrating with another three messages from rafe.

baby answer me please

ik i fucked up

ik i hurt you but let’s just talk alright? please?

you stared down at the messages, closing your eyes briefly before shutting your phone off, sitting down on the closed lid of the toilet seat and taking a breath, looking up to the ceiling in hopes it would clear your head and calm you down.

just as you were about to leave, you heard her voice again, sofia’s, talking to someone else, presumably a colleague of hers based off of the conversation they were having.

“wait wait! tell me about how things are going with you and rafe?” her colleague asks, muttering an inaudible fuck to yourself at the question. you didn’t wanna hear this conversation, you knew it would just hurt you more but part of you wanted to know, deep down you wanted to know how he was treating her; had he given her the same problems he gave you? were they actually dating or just messing around like rafe had said.

so you stuck it through, quiet as a mouse as you sat there, shamelessly eavesdropping on their conversation.

“i don’t know really—it was good—really good, he’s so sweet and takes care of me but he hasn’t been answering my calls or texts for a few days now, and we were at this party by one of his kook friend’s house and everything had been fine up until this one moment where he just disappeared god knows where and came back lookin angry as shit and basically told me he was gonna leave and asked if i wanted to be dropped off at home or if i wanted to stay at the party,” she rambled on, your mind connecting the dots that the party she was speaking of was the one topper hosted, that same day you’d seen rafe for the first time since he’d left.

“just— i dunno if this was just a hook up or sex to him but god i really like him,” she hummed, clearing her throat as she spoke to her colleague, shaking your head and biting the bullet before opening the stall door abruptly before you had a chance of hearing anything else.

you awkwardly washed your hands and stormed out, barreling into someone on your way to your table.

rafe.

his hands reached out to steady you, planting themselves onto your shoulders before you shook him off.

don't smile because it happened, baby, cry because it's over

“you’re not answering my texts,” he simply spoke, inhaling a trembling breath as he looked down at you, “how’d you know i was here?” you asked, goosebumps raising over your skin when he effortlessly moved you aside when someone had walked passed, something he often did whilst you were dating.

“checked your location,” he cleared his throat, scratching his head; you scoffed at his answer, so ready to just tell him off, yet the look on his face made him bite back your retorts, his blue eyes even bluer with sadness, a sadness you hadn’t seen in his eyes for a quite some time.

oh, you're supposed to think about me every time you hold her

“rafe—“ you started, but was quickly cut off by his voice, his hands finding yours, grasping onto them like his life depended on it, “baby i know everything’s fucked! i know i did that alright but just you gotta hear me out just once—it’s all im asking, if you still don’t like what you hear i’ll leave you alone i swear,” he pleaded, “fuck i’ll get on my knees and beg baby—you want me to do it? cause i’ll do it,” he raised his voice, letting go of your hands to adjust his shirt, sniffling as he got ready to bend a knee before you stopped him, looking around with cheeks burning up with embarrassment.

“rafe, rafe fine—alright i’ll—we can talk, just not here—come around to my place later,” you hesitantly spoke, every nerve ending in your body going off like sirens, your brain begging you to not follow the beating of your heart.

he let out an exasperated sigh, thanking you softly before nodding, raising his hand to scratch at his arm, biceps bulging in his shirt as he watched you walk away, stomach swirling with embarrassment as pair’s of eyes followed you, one of them being sofia’s, her eyes foggy with tears as she watched the entire ordeal, not having known who you were but from merely observing the way rafe was watching you, she could tell you meant something to him, and the look on her face shattered you.

the saturday evening was winding down; you were anxiously sitting on your living room couch, waiting for a text, a call or even just a knock on your door from rafe, knee bouncing at the thought of the anticipating conversation.

that knock soon came, shuffling over in your socks to open it, standing aside to allow him to come in.

“nice place you got,” he spoke softly, his tongue darting out to wet his lips as he watched you hover by the door, awkwardly chewing the inside of your cheek.

“i’ve missed you,” he whispered after a beat of silence, his face twitching as he looked you over; god he really did, he really did miss you.

he missed your smile, your laugh, the way you’d get all pouty when you didn’t get your way; he missed holding you, missed the way you’d reassure him after a fight with his dad. he really fucked up losing you and his coked out mind only realised that months after he’d already done the damage.

don't smile because it happened, baby, cry because it's over

“you came here to talk rafe, so talk,” you bluntly spoke, watching him nod, “can i?” he asked, gesturing to your couch with his hand, noticing his signet ring wasn’t on his index finger anymore. that same damned ring that was burnt into your plush skin from the many pleasurable nights you spent lying under him, the same ring he’d take off and put onto your ring finger, mumbling sweet promises of how he’d put a real ring on your finger one day.

(I want you to miss me, I want you to miss me)

you nodded, watching as he sat down with a huff, nervously shaking his leg before speaking, “what i did—fuck i—you know i’ve never been good at this—“ he paused, finding the right words, “talking about my feelings and shit, but uh the way i treated you, i shouldn’t have—i know that now and part of me always did but the shit with my dad—my family—the drugs, it messed with my head man and shit i know it’s not an excuse but after i got better—after my dad died, i told myself i needed to make things right with you—“ he hiccuped, tearing up as he looked away, sniffling before wiping his eyes.

you hadn’t known ward had passed away, your heart aching at the thought of rafe dealing with all that alone; you may have hated the man but he was still rafe’s father.

“look what i’m trying to say is,” he paused, sitting up, his hand reaching for yours, pulling you closer, his hands finding your hips once you were right in front of him; “i don’t wanna lose you forever; fuck i don’t have my dad—haven’t spoken to sarah in god knows how long, rose won’t let me see or speak to wheezie, and i pushed away the one person that was always there for me no matter what,” he croaked out, looking up at you.

“i’m not askin you to just cold turkey forgive me and get back together—i know i hurt you and fuck i’m really sorry about that, but i’ve grown and i’ve changed and i still love you,” he hummed, bottom lip quivering as he spoke, looking down at his shoes to collect himself before speaking, “i really am sorry baby,” he murmured, his large hands squeezing at your waist.

you swallowed back your own cries, sighing as you gathered your thoughts, “you really hurt me rafe, a fucking text? a text? after all that shit you put me through? a text was all i got and then you just disappeared? tannyhill empty and you wouldn’t answer anything i sent—“ you stuttered, having half the mind to push his hands off but allowing them to stay on your waist.

“then you just show up again, with someone else on your arm? do you have any idea how that made me feel?” you hiccuped, sniffling as you wiped your tear streaked cheeks.

oh, you're supposed to think about me every time you hold her

(I want you to miss me, I want you to miss me)

“i uh—i don’t know where to go from here, i don’t know how to trust you after this—“ you paused, your tongue darting out to wet your lips as you sighed through your nose, “but i want to, i really do, i haven’t stopped loving you which i at first hated myself for but grew to accept it—“

he nodded, eyes downcast as he listened to you, “i get that—and you have every right to feel this way but uhm i’m not the person i used to be and i want to show you that,” he earnestly spoke, index finger tapping at your rib.

you stood there, considering his words; you should’ve told him to leave, should’ve told him not to come in the first place but how could you when your heart longed for him? how could you possibly chase him away when even the devil and angel on your shoulders were in agreement that he’d changed, that he deserved a second chance after all.

so instead of talking, instead of voicing the retort on your tongue, you allowed your brain to go quiet, closing your eyes as you hugged him to your abdomen, letting out the breath you were holding when his arms properly embraced you. you had much to talk about and to work through, but for now you allowed yourself this.

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