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ghostfire

I am born of fire, burst from charcoal black. Charred and smoking, My hands are cracked. My skin flakes as I claw at my eyes Smoke tickles my lungs and lavishes over my blood. I am tormented by the ghost of pleasure-seeking -heartache within sparkling embers My soul sings at fire's highest flames yet here I am stuck on this mortal plane. I spend days yearning to burn. years spent waiting for phantom pains to lick up my chest, to charr my flesh. I need to feel fire flicker across my face I burn to have smoke choke my heart until I'm nothing left than a pile of bones. Nothing left for a scorching caress to eat away Dust and ash left for the wind to sweep away I am stuck in purgatory burning without warning wanting without burning unable to appreciate without decaying I yearn to burn like I've been banished to live alone on the sun. Chasing ghostfire to catch with bare hands Until my fingers have no prints until my skin has no blemish. until the fire consumes me once and for all.

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spoiled milk

They say I'm spoiled because they don't like the taste. They can't stand me because I'm curdled, not fitted to their palate, I've soured at your behest, I've despaired in the face of your amusement, And I've rejoiced in making myself something you despise. Angry with my misuse, I am forever bitter, disgusting without youth, I am not a thing of taste Not for you to abuse. I've been left out too long, I am forever tainted, for without use am I not lost in desolation? Why did you have to take me, and hate me, for something you did? Why did you have to change me, and disgrace me, For the crime of your own intervention. I've become spoiled milk

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olympia

tw: rape, sexual assault

Bless my heart told I'm wandering amongst the stars brought to land I don't quite understand spilled naivety and found no decency deception calls my name my heart bared deeply a prize to be won competition yet to be sprung yet the gods above do not weep freely a shudder consumes me completely.

Worship catches you in its eye bated breath ripples into laughs you catch my refusals in your teeth pull me close eyes shut my heart a-beat stolen protests blown out like a candle dripping wax and scorching pacts binding never lax choking me off at the neck opening me up at the touch.

Soft lips press deceit not mercy into my buzzing skin I rupture at the touch you whisper sweetly tell me I'm a sculpture of Aphrodite beauty to be caressed like godly beloved monuments turned into not a lover but a statue.

I am declawed and I am untusked anguishing on your alter you feed me wine til I can no longer cry the sounds trapped within basking in wrath I'm soaked in depravity innocence depraved by sin.

Bash my head in my wound a statement to confess pulling enlightenment from my rot your lips slipt from a manic smile licking blood dripping from my rapture my teeth pulled free and the trumpets swell to the tunes of euthanized frenzy  fractured like ancient history.

Euphoria is my name yet I plead for it to be changed I arc my back I claw my palms I submit deeply to my own lust and I feel the burn of hell start to scorch me on the spot chaining me to a nightmare that will never stop.

The dagger cuts and marks me yours drawing out my still-beating heart I'm reborn in aching pain hands explore freely no longer gentle no longer acting with a veil of mercy my Olympia, no longer a virtue of my safety now I'm erotic in my repulsive pain.

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love-love-love me

You say I'm a dreamer but baby we're two of a kind. Orbiting the stars, you could say I'm a choice of mind. Sat next to you on picture day, stood a row away when we sang in choir, Maybe in the back of my mind I noted how we even liked to sing the same. Same pitch, same rhyme same sinner, same crime. How could I tear my eyes away from your face? flush with blood I kept my teeth on your name. Otherworldly in your beauty, you could spark a war comparable to the Trojan discrepancy. Forgive me for that folly A countertuition on my part. I've always liked the taste of something bitter, lies taste so very sharp. So maybe I said I hated you, with fowl lips and a desperate tongue. But don't you know I'm always lying, that my word is nothing more than the devil incarnate sent to kiss you off-track, sent whisper you off pace. Jealousy makes a mockery of the thoughts that lie dead in the water. Thought you knew that, thought you said that. Don't tell me otherwise, don't start denying. And you know I've always talked about dying, you sat with me as we smoked on the same frequency. Listening in to my wallowing sin. You said I was never one to romanticise, liked to keep my head planet side, but you always agreed with me, when sun set and the skies cried. At the lowest points in our lives, you agreed with me, right alongside me right here in the crawling dark. Lulled me into a false sense of security, I couldn't even think to ask you if this would be more than what's done is done, what's past is past. It wouldn't have been the last time you'd lead me in circles round' round' your heart. Growing past childhood affliction yet not quite past a grown amusement. Not quite done with my unflourishing confusion. So I sit here singing to you, half-baked slam poetry coming straight from the heart. That I don't love you any more, take that for a plot-twist. Take that for an audience score. I don't want you to break my heart no more, so this time you won't be the one to start it. So here I am, Telling you through a pen on a page, that I've always hated you even through the love running from within my veins. I hate the way you cry, big tears running from your eyes, I hate the way you laugh and how your voice curled prettily on tear-spilt remarks. And maybe I hate the way you walk, maybe I hate the way you talk. Plagiarism stolen from Shakespeare's own pen holding it above me calling me a lark. Maybe I still don't want to say goodbye. but don't you know my beloved heart, I will never be able to forget our burning spark. And even though you told me to my face, that you wouldn't hate me if you were in my place. I know that you'd look upon this day, this time of many firsts and many lates. That you'd burn it down until it was gone, and you'd drown out the new dawn for ash and smoke. That I know. And I know, know that you'll never admit it. But I'll leave you to this misunderstanding of hope so that I can keep pretending you know. That you still hurt like I will. That you'll still care like I do. That you love me, love, love, love-me. and that I love, love-you. That I love, love, love-me too.

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cloudwatching

tw: suicide, suicidal idealisation

I walk in a doelike gait overly tired in this numb state where I wait until my legs give up on me which sends me falling to concrete sidewalks.

People crowd round faces hidden in dark error asking me what's my name I find I can't give them one with any validity.

Aching pain splits me open, my agony spills in bursts of blood hands clutch and tear, I ignore their anger as my chest whittles in disrepair

I try to rub my knees and can't help but to look up high watching clouds pass in the sky I hold my breath in, I don't stop to breathe, counting on inside my head wishing quietly that I were dead.

Wishing I could take a leap of faith joining the birds in freeing haste lifting off and into space, with such yearning, I can't help but hate.

Clouds dot the sky, In pairs of two, that I can spy ones that kiss winds rough caress ones that linger in waves of ruin.

Ignore my ruptured ribs and punctured lungs I've been here before this pain is only an old sore.

Sometimes when I can't feel my feet I breathe in slow and start to blink my heart tunes to birdsongs call the stars beckoning from beyond the fall.

My gaze turns heaven bound my head goes quiet cloud watching soothes the ringing sound and hushes my breath, shuddering, dying.

White spots hang around my head never mind they're turning black melting onto the pavement I may have a broken spine.

Dizzy, dark, and blank the world moves around me leaving me behind why is time, when's the present? Left unanswered, left untethered.

Is the cloud hanging overhead getting closer am I rising far above meeting god from my tomb on earth Is he blessing me or is this a curse?

Question do you like cloud watching? My heart beats in solitude It keeps me from the blood that rushes out of my head the nothingness I feel as I lay here in red.

The building looks beautiful from down here. It looms in man-made creation a godless world the one in which I live yet I admire our fickle tribulation

Why do people scream? Why do they look on in fear? Why do I hear sirens? Why can't I feel my pain?

Mom, why is the sky so clear?

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the open window

The window in the kitchen is tilted open letting in the rain It's been open since the morning and the sun has painted it in warmth and the clouds overhead push against it a widening gap caressing it.

The TV chatter hums faint in the next room obscuring the rot that began to seep unbeknownst, laying low dripping down the window still.

It kisses the dishes I have yet to clean drowning in placid water resting in the sink.

trickles of laughter mixes in with the dirt old food melts into new- -creations of grime.

I won't see it until the next morning. until a bird hits the window crashing through the open gap and crushing my fine china.

It flutters about in hysteria and in setting chill clawing its way out, my kitchen amok its feathers were left behind the only clue to my culprit Its blood mixed in with the tile distress mars the air a new creation of gore and violence.

The window is cracked with splutter left for the landlord to tape over. I rationalise to fix it with gold and glitter, I have mused tip-toeing around its true fate finding utility within the trash well-meaning until meaning-less.

In the weeks that follow I am haunted by crushed glass the shards that kiss under the fridge and marries in the dust pressed together becoming grit to tease my blush so that when I'm sliced open and curse under my breath they get to rejoice at the taste of my blood until I move to new sun-settings

And the newest owner has replaced the glass and the window is no longer left open never absentminded nor a fuss until the shards are nothing from thereafter and they stay bitter.

Waiting for a new day, for a bird in wasting fate.

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cyberpunk

I swear to curse

for a solemn to confess

a cage within my flesh

to tear me to shreds.

Hidden underneath

sell my method for my keep

my soul chained to the ether

my soul bought for neither.

Your hand interfering

straining around my skull

and then you start rummaging

rummaging around.

Riflling, Rifling

you Rifle-

-through my innards

until you find my beguiled crimes.

Unlocking my thoughts

snickering at what you find

putting a price tag on belief

selling it back to me,

just overinflated by the grief.

"It insists upon itself"

don't make me laugh.

God condemn me,

forgive me for that induction

may we eat the rude.

And then you can Rifle

Rifle

Rifle me down.

Stab me with shredded metal

ruptured me at a touch

my body in manic disruption.

A consensual hallucination.

A nightmare borne from a dream.