borderline-frantic

[borderline-frantic]

Does true love exist?

“To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.”

― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.” ― Heidi Priebe

I've attended so many funerals and yet it wasn't reciprocated. Not in its passion. Only in responsibility.

[borderline-frantic]

A final attempt at circling around what you will not confess.

Will you dance with me?

Will I dance alone?

Will you face yourself?

Or shall I take the fall?

Will that make it easier for you?

We are not the same as those that bore us, but we carry their blood.

Live your now and show yourself who you are, and who you want to be.

Set us both free.

[borderline-frantic]

It didn’t bloom a sunrise, although I waited.

It didn’t soften with endurance, although I stood firmly.

It didn’t compromise with love, although I did, completely.

And I hold the world, in my embrace*

….a world of solitude.

My arms stretch out, uncontrollably, inconsolably, in what seems to be the length of a lifetime.

An orange moon that cannot ever predict if what’s to come is eternal darkness, or a glimpse of tomorrow, anew.

[borderline-frantic]

To Sleep

The hours provide a horizon of possibilities.

Dreams and quietness.

What seemed simple, fluid, and doable crumbles for lacking serotonin.

Eyes that close but find no rest.

A mind that fills with hysterics for a body that won’t move as planned, as hoped, as desperately needed.

Everything succumbs to sleep.

Unreasonable exhaustion.

Unreasonable sadness.

I plan and hope because I need.

Tonight I sleep as forced for a tomorrow that I will attempt to grasp.

Rinse and repeat.

[borderline-frantic]

Slivers of my yesterdays dance about.

A life I once knew. 

Sifting through variations of myself.

Chapters brought on cue by a scent, a song, a phrase, a familiar sky.

My present is slowly pieced together.

I relive them in vivid whimsical dreams .

I wake up baffled and amused.

Thankful for the adventure. 

https://youtu.be/djWzoxzE5u8

[borderline-frantic]

I need to melt my heart.

I need to water it down.

Let everything I think I know be loosely scattered and untethered to my being.

I need to retrace my steps.

Decipher when my feet began to drift from the path of living with warmth and love for those around me.

How did I become this?

Can I be undone?

Will I ever be embraced again with light and life and communion?

Please teach me how.

[borderline-frantic]

My mind is giving. I think it may have been me all along, the ruiner of things. I’m the bad guy in my story. I think I will pass away in a room by myself and no one will know until weeks and months have gone.

It was all me.

[borderline-frantic]

It lingered and I was unaware. In the world according to my ssri, I’m okay and have things to do. But it lingered. It was a huge deal. The point of it - buried in endorphins. Even my tears won’t come out. But I can feel my insides crying and the weight of the sadness. Logically, for my own sake - I should go. Also logically, for my innocent kid - I should stay. Things will play out and being in the middle of it, enduring and even just during, can change you and paint the rest of your future in this darker tone. So, logically, I should stay. I will define this state of lingering as a reminder to prepare and go on as best as I can.

[borderline-frantic]

Homesick

It’s been 5-6 years since I last went home. I miss everyone.

I miss my Mom and my Dad.

I miss my friends.

It’s been more than 20 years since I migrated. I miss everyone’s faces.

[borderline-frantic]

Love isn’t calculating. Yes, it takes work, but often it is instinctive because you care. Even when you are upset, it’s still there and cannot be denied. It shouldn’t fall into the realm of tolerance.

18 years… you s h o u l d know by now.

[borderline-frantic]

Beautiful night and crowd for Joji. Everyone sang along to the entire concert!

[borderline-frantic]

These days, both day and night seem to happen so fast. I’m not sleep walking. There’s just not enough time in a day. And my fragile human needs necessary for a productive version of myself, they frustratingly get in the way - always.

Comes the answer to “What I would do if I were eternally in my 20s” - I would keep going and experimenting looks (fashion and makeup), networking and just glueing myself to a kindred creative spirit whom has figured the day job route out and find my way in, writing music nonstop and singing my heart out, learning guitar to the point that my playing rhythm and singing rhythm will be harmonious, learning to speak and write Japanese, Mandarin, Korean, and Portuguese. And the list would just keep going until I come full circle to the family life I have now. Lol

Such interesting indecisive creatures we are. I didn’t understand how in grade school one of our lessons mentioned that there are different facets of success that make up a whole where there would be no room for regret. From self-fulfillment to that of love and self acceptance… I get it now. And although I’m not all wrinkly and squeaky (except for my eyes being annoyingly less and less able to see things right in front of me clearly), I feel pressed for time.

[borderline-frantic]

Foresight

A domino effect. An outcome calculated to occur based on outlying conditions. This particular one is unintentional.

“This my excavation and today is kumran

Everything that happens is from now on

This is pouring rain

This is paralyzed…

This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away”

- Re: Stacks, Bon Iver

[borderline-frantic]

Slowly disappearing…

I SHOULD have things figured out by now.

[borderline-frantic]

on loneliness

Amy Dunne // Nickie Zimov // Carol Lee, To Die For // Marie Alsing // Anne Sexton, A Self Portrait in Letters // As Tears Go By (1988) dir. Wong Kar Wai // Fyodor Dostoevsky in a letter to his wife Anna Dostoevsky, 28 August 1879 // Aron Wiesenfeld // Margaret Atwood, from "Thoughts From Underground"

[borderline-frantic]

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

Louise Erdrich, from Andrea Kowch’s - Reflections on Humanity, 2017

[borderline-frantic]

Sounds like a solid plan. But, I can still bounce my indecisiveness on here, right? Technically, it’s not an announcement, and majority of the human race no longer uses Tumblr. (I feel safe here)

When you change, don’t announce it. Just bloom.