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Louise Glück, from ""Averno", Averno

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Marie Howe, from “Watching Television”, What the Living Do

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9 july 2023

doesn’t it feel like

life is moving so quickly

like i forget how

harsh it’s movement can be

like one day you’re

in love and the next

you’re not

do you feel it too

how yesterday we were laughing

in your room

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23 feb 2024

i walk and i’m surprised i know where i’m going

i get up and i’m surprised i have the energy

i exist and i’m surprised i can

i just keep going

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12 april 2024

notes to self:

i don’t want to succumb to these particular patterns - because intuitively i have awareness that i find it difficult to speak from my heart sometimes because i feel so entrenched in everything going on in my head that i am often not in touch or grounded enough to be in touch with how i truly feel. instead i often mind read and perform accordingly and it is getting old - performing is getting old - i want to face these things - i want to recognise my part in these things in a non punishing way. from a place of love and a desire for what is good for me. i want to want what is good for me. and even though i often don’t (at least lately) i want to practice it all so that i can learn that pursuing what is good for me will be worth it, as this has been the way so far. - so the avoidance (overusing this word so much it’s losing its meaning)

the ignoring of my own needs, feelings, self, what is right for me / not what necessarily brings me instant dopamine. need to look at this stuff. - because ultimately it will be good for me and my interpersonal relationships. if the people are right for me it won’t drive them away but instead i will let them understand me better, know me. and that will be okay if they’re the right people. - wow - this is so much of what i’ve been keeping inside - i had been avoiding the avoidance of it all - i felt low tonight not having a distraction but this was right - avoiding seems to breed toxicity and an ungrounding that feels so bad nowadays. want to remind myself that i don’t need to dissociate to survive anymore; i don’t need to add things to myself to simply survive and avoid reality; reality is actually getting really good and it is opening up and i want to learn to trust that life can be good and that i can handle it. that there are so many beautiful things and i am experiencing them already, and this can grow and grow if i just allow it to and have faith in myself that i can handle it; that i can take whatever comes my way; that there are good things and that i’m safe - you’re trying to dissociate (and get highs) because life feels too tough and you have so much fear buried in your body. fear that’s trying to protect you. but i want to tell you that life has expanded and you have grown so much and forged a life that is colourful and meaningful and beautiful - you’ve created this for yourself - so there must come a time to trust that you can live, that reality isn’t some horrible thing to escape from no matter what - because if you look around you now life is so much softer and safer and more beautiful that it has ever been, truly. i promise you - you can be here. you can be here now. the world is something you can handle. living. it is so aligned with everything you love and value - all contained within it. you have and have always had that inside of you, that love for living. there is so much poetry inside of you. there has to be a time where you trust this and i know you’ve already begun, and you know you have too. you know already how beautiful it can be. you’ve had so many tastes of it in recovery. and those came from being here, not from escaping it all. the sweetness of everything you’ve worked for is here now, right here. you don’t need to look away from that anymore. i promise you don’t need to hide anymore.

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28 april 2024

2024 things in life i love: - i can sing a rainbow song / melody - playing french pop aloud (francois hardy) pretending i’m in a french new wave film, carefree in paris somewhere, smoking - listening to lullaby music for babies at night staring out onto my balcony - the letting go (at least a bit) of music snobbery and just listening to what i like - being single and an individual at 28 and learning what i like in general - my inner trust growing because i’ve chosen to create space for that - how Myself i can be around friends especially breeze - sentimentality and my capacity for it - madison and the vast amount of love i have and always will have for her - realising things for realsies, not just intellectually - when i GET something i’ve been told forever in some form, that differentiation between intellectual and visceral, noticing that, feeling that - realising that there’s so much that i love - amélie and how much it helps me when i am feeling lost - when sharp focus and presence comes in lil moments and i’m really here and there’s this bittersweet ‘knowing’ and self-awareness, then back into everything else (it’s ok) - david lynch talking about the tortoise in the movie lucky and the scene where they all discuss how nothing really matters, ungatz - pigeons - all the animals of the world - talking and laughing with flo for hours - realising how much i love my friends when i think about what it is i love about them (writing flo’s birthday card) - telling my friends how much i love them - how i love to be by myself, spend time with myself - learning how to harmonise to new songs in the shower - breeze and just who they are - all the love that i have the capacity to feel when i am ‘in’ appreciation - learning more about myself and learning how to cope better with things that i thought would haunt me in my life forever - maturing, growing up, controlling what i can control rather than the vastness of everything else - how writing still helps me and how it always has - seeing the painting at the wallace collection (the rising of the sun)

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1 may 2020

if there’s anything good it’s ive learned today that i can handle pain by having a bath, expressing myself, crying, punching a pillow, drinking water, cleaning my face. and not drinking not self destructing not hurting myself i’m proud of myself for my desire to go on a run or walk too i’m proud of myself for leaving despite what people may think i’m proud of myself for running a bath straight away for grabbing a pillow instead of a razor for typing out my feelings instead of planning on getting a drink even though i could have done any of those things and it’s highly likely i would have in the past today i coped today i learned that i can get through pain and anger and anxiety without a drink today i’ve learned my boundaries instead of forgiving myself and accepting myself learned more about myself and my boundaries and my triggers rather than acting on my pain and difficult feelings i’m recognising, too, how my body is affected not only what feelings come up mentally but physically how my body feels drained and tired and needs rest planning on going for a run instead of grabbing a drink but also recognising my triggers and wanting to address them wanting to let myself process things instead of reacting to them in a way that’s harmful to me how far i have come over time learning to accept that maybe i don’t need to mould myself to fit in but accept where i don’t feel comfortable as a sign that i shouldn’t force myself to be in those situations. talking to jack i realised again how i used intoxication as a way to feel like i belong to feel confident and bubbly and louder than i feel naturally in certain situations instead of accepting myself and accepting that there are some situations where i simply don’t feel comfortable or happy - and that that’s so ok. granting myself permission to feel uncomfortable without feeling like there’s something inherently wrong with me i’m ok just as i am i’m enough just as i am because there are truly places on this earth where i feel safe and happy and other places where i feel less so and that’s ok to not put all the pressure in the world on myself to feel like i’m Wrong and not Enough. to not put so much pressure on myself to fit in perfectly everywhere or not feel nervous or sad or frustrated or even bored. to not feel so much pressure to feel liked! by everyone! at the expense of being kind and loving to myself. i’m enough just as i am i’m enough just as i am in this moment i’m enough just as i am and there are others like me who feel it so much, too who feel they’re out of place who feel exactly the same and maybe those are my people and maybe i have belonged all of this time all this time i’ve belonged somewhere just as i am no edits no moulding all this time i’ve been enough in my moods my anxiety my sadness they feel it too and have wondered if there is something wrong with them and we’ve all been existing at the same time lonely and wondering but we are perfect just exactly as we are enough just as we are all this time

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p3

- the smell of the air at night, a light breeze - watching queer eye with my mum - having dinner with my mum and just talking and talking to each other - my mum - neo leaning his body into mine and relaxing - jack and my’s support / understanding / compassion towards one another - feeling glimpses of self acceptance - slowly feeling healthier - my MUM and spending quality time with her and bonding and feeling so much LOVE - hearing jack singing to frank ocean in the car driving around the countryside - quietly singing to sufjan stevens in the car with caleb - juice first thing in the morning to awaken my senses - my mums smiles and laughs and communication when she’s in a happy joyful mood; easy - jack more and more each day i swear - laughing with ieva - still the smell of the air - long summer nights and walking neo by the pond and the folly and the wooded area - little communications with strangers; smiley and joyful and polite and warm

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p2

- the sound of birds - birds in general, especially small birds. watching them in the trees outside (e.g in the garden at home, looking outside the window of the living room of nantes close, looking down in the trees from james’ living room window - the way mum talks to neo - little birds - noticing little birds in trees - little birdsongs - finding a new colour that i really like - pasta, italian food, my mums bolognese - fruit - taste, smells, looks - so pretty and cute - spending time with myself - noticing improvements and feeling positive change, even if for just one moment where i recognise it while in the middle of a depressive episode - eating pasta, or any comforting food, in my underwear on my bed watching a film with myself - finding a song that resonates with me at a certain time in my life for some reason and exhausting that song so much because i love it, then moving on - listening to vampire weekend walking around victoria park and the sky is blue and i can really breathe - feeling the sunlight on my face - blue sky w cold weather - soft, shy, quiet, kind people - putting socks on after a shower - the scene in amélie where she helps the blind guy cross a road and describes what’s going on around them - self-care after a shower - my evening routine and the way that always helps and makes me feel more like a human, even if just a bit - when i can feel myself getting through the worst days. when my appetite comes back - hearing neo drinking water from his bowl - rain - rain in the countryside - rain anywhere - snow days with my best friends - big slices of pizza - sitting on a step outside in cornwall at night, the smell of the sea air, the sound of the sea - seaside towns - narrow roads, cobble stones - jack making me laugh so much - caleb caleb caleb - stale wotsits - my sister opening up to me, building a relationship with her - summer evenings outside, hearing cutlery clang from neighbours bc ppl are eating and spending time outside - realisations that i can feel in my gut; progress - laughing with penny in the car - singing to madonna with penny in the car - penny. being here. having another home. family. - the room i have here. the cosy bed. the privacy. time with myself. my own bathroom. - the smell of the air at night - stillness of the air at night. how quiet it is in the countryside - sunsets bright and colourful ones when it’s kinda muggy outside but makes a beautiful colour - watching the rabbits in the garden - getting to know penny - candles and incense - when i notice how much nicer i am to myself these days - gradually opening up - toby and henry playing videogames with caleb - jacks random affectionate texts - jacks random hilarious texts and voice notes - video calling with jack and wanting to cuddle with someone probably more that i’ve ever wanted to cuddle with anyone ever - stroking alfie’s soft fur and giving him kisses while he’s barely awake, before my last cigarette of the night - looking up at the stars at night - sitting outside on warm, still nights - sitting outside of crisp, still nights - on a run, looking around smiling so hard - time with toby and henry... being sat with them while they tell me details about all of their cuddly toys - toby’s little laugh when he’s engaged and connecting and having fun - henry’s cuteness and just how pure he is - growing in my relationship with jack, growing with him... communicating with him and then just feeling so much better... he seems to grow with me

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11 june 2021

things in life that i love p1

- the way completely different songs can blend into one another, one after the other - the smell of the air (in the morning in the countryside, at dusk, when it’s cold out, in autumn) - first kisses (nervous ones, urgent ones) - falling asleep next to someone during the day in the sunlight with music softly playing in the background - watching nature animated and alive - moments when i’m so caught up in my head and i close my eyes and refocus and open them again - when my vision is sharper and colours are richer - walking in the rain and then coming home and having a hot shower - clean bedsheets after a shower - evening showers - observing the people i love and care about most when they are in their own world/being their total selves - when my siblings and i are at the dinner table being weird and loud and annoying but we’re all still getting along - neo laying in the spots in the house that get direct sunlight all throughout the day - neo leaning on me / adjusting his body to be comfortable and laying his little head down on me - being in a car at night, driving and playing music out loud that is so perfect and fitting and everybody is in silence, listening - nighttime and all of its colours; everything is transformed - walking down bethnal green road while the sun is setting - the moment i see james when i haven’t seen him in a while - falling in love with a song during its first few notes - the bittersweetness i feel at the start of autumn - the changing of seasons - acknowledging and really feeling the impermanence of things - early mornings in the summer - breakfast outside in the summer - the stillness of nighttime - belle & sebastian concerts - sitting on a bench on the south bank when it’s warm outside - meditating in spencer park - my mums snapchats - my siblings confiding in me - nights where my mum and i are in the kitchen showing each other songs and talking about how much we love music - learning about who my mum is - the smell of the rain - rain - dream pop/synth pop in the evening - beach house live - being engrossed in a film - mindfully washing my hands - little, funny, unexpected interactions with strangers - summer, sunset, kicking a ball around in spencer park - smiling children w their grandparents exploring london - remembering how lucky i am to live in this city - conversations with james - waking up to the sound of rain - car/coach journeys at night - in the car with my mum and sister driving through the countryside with music playing - compassionate tears for myself - hanging out with my sister; getting to know her - noticing progress that i have made - snacks - coach journeys - making playlists - opening the window and letting air into my room when it’s cold and i’m in bed and i can smell the air and hear birds - neo coming over to snuggle me on the sofa when i’m laying down

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1 july 2022

there comes a time when all the scrutinising needs room to transform into the next thing for you to breathe life into. because if all the thinking isn’t a kind of purgatory then we are stuck fooling ourselves that we are living when we’re really dreaming. there comes a time when i know i must give myself permission to push off from all the surviving and onto more playfulness more laughter more joy. to know when to be sad and only this versus when to be sad but doing other things is a lesson to be learned over time but for now one year on so fresh it’s ok to go easy it’s ok to go lightly it’s ok not everything is this serious not everything is a death sentence and not everything weighs on ur shoulders alone so play and laugh and feel joy that makes the despair all worth it in the end lightly, easily play.

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23 feb 2023

ghost town out of season garden gnomes black mountains burnt orange buildings shimmery coast run down make eye contact with a girl think i belong by water orange trees people fishing blueness to the sea writing on ruins coloured buildings new and old places to jump off house on island budva we take a boat to get there i try to stay upbeat not look at words too much what i have in common with everything is unwillingness to try what’s in my mind is unique maybe my fear is what is universal i am out in the world

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31 august 2024

you think there's courage in having sex and you can't understand it. the exposure of it. as i read your words i think: but don't you know that i don't understand how i am reading your words right now. the courage to have words that another person can read. it is not confidence from a deep place, necessarily, being naked with another person. for me, it is: this is something i can do, can offer. perhaps that is a lesson i picked up on the way and perhaps you learned the same but with the act of showing somebody else who you are with your writing, your art, your work. see, i can't relate to that. don't you see how exposing that is. there are so many more things exposing than being naked.

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12 march 2023

i say to her quietly that we wait give it more time promise her i won’t wait too long to find out not just in thought or spirit but in action i say to her quietly we need to give it more time that to keep safe we must also stay patient an answer will come when it is meant to or rather something that looks resembles an answer will come but only with patience only with two feet on the ground only with that slow and painful time like rilke said it is the questions themselves that must be lived that must be loved i suppose answers do not come out of some equation one can think through i don’t think it will arrive at my door like a gift wrapped in a bow not out of pure desire not anguish not even indifferent (?) i imagine it is more like how in an instance one that is quiet unassuming one where for no reason i extend my neck to the sun just to feel the warmth on my face while i sit in the garden and smoke maybe it is then i know or i am closer to knowing that i do not know anything at all and that life is an endless series of trials and errors infinitely living in its questions but sitting and facing the sun too? idk quiet wisdom unassuming

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14 may 2023

you left me at the beach

i asked you to leave

i’m never on my own but now it’s just me. i dont wanna drink even though i could. i’m gonna walk through the beach front alone

so many arguments here. sick of storming away. came here together leaving alone maybe i’ll be ok this time i hate this place but i love it too maybe i don’t need connection to my youth maybe that’s why we don’t come here anymore maybe that’s ok

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18 june 2023

not sure what the inherent value in memory is. to look back and see where i was, to never forget my life? i have been so busy that i haven’t been writing. life seems to be … happening. it’s like i can physically feel its movement. i can feel change. i wonder if i’ll regret not documenting these parts of my life. it is so much fuller than it has ever been. if i want to remember any tiny snippet from this part of my life it is that i am so unbelievably and incomprehensibly full of love and gratitude. for life to be moving and for me to be participating in it feels like the biggest blessing. we are not just sitting in pain anymore… i honestly could’ve never dreamed of it. it’s not painless but it is full of so much love and joy. i wanted so badly to be living, wanted so badly to not be in pain. didn’t want life to end but the pain was so excruciating before that i felt i had failed at being a person who could exist in the world. now i am a person doing that. i’m so glad i could stay here so i could experience this. i’m so endlessly grateful to myself and all her past versions and her striving to be able to live out this part. i am so endlessly grateful and full of love. i have never ever wanted to be a person who exists in the world as much as i do now. maybe it is important to remember so as to not take it for granted. maybe i won’t remember the specifics when i’m old about my time here but i will remember the love, gratitude, friendship, joy. growth. maybe everything will change and i’ll forget most of it. except maybe i can trust i was alive and awake and here. full of love. participating. like i had always been trying to.