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i didn’t see him today either

i last saw my puppy on monday.. and i ignored him because im a shitty person

and thats the second time i ignored him in a row… now i can’t find him anywhere which is weird because he’s always here.. i couldn’t find his mom either

i feel so bad

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i last saw my puppy on monday.. and i ignored him because im a shitty person

and thats the second time i ignored him in a row… now i can’t find him anywhere which is weird because he’s always here.. i couldn’t find his mom either

i feel so bad

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i wish i had someone to fight for me

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there is nothing that she can not ruin

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i had a dream there was a big and tall warden with human proportions in a knights armor of sorts that was at the end of a forest and i accidentally found him and i knew once i found him he’ll slowly follow me till he gets to me and i die so i ran and ran and ran till i got home and tried to rush my mom out of the house too because i knew he’s coming here but she took some time and he actually got here and told me that im going to die and he’s going to kill me right now so i begged him not to and i tried to run but i knew it was useless. so i hugged him. i turned around and jumped on that mf and hugged him so hard i hoped i wouldn’t feel it when he killed me and i begged him not to take my mom. i was hysterically crying so he very quietly whispered to me that he’s going to cut only part of my neck and ill make it to the hospital, and so he did, and i felt it. but as i was still hysterically crying he whispered again, stop crying because you’re scaring your mother, you’re making it worse for her, i’ll give you a token you can redeem on her when her time comes. and then he left and we left to the hospital with the cut on my neck still bleeding a lot

then i woke up

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being an actively suic idal but still very functional member of society is such a weird thing

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i used to be so pretty, and i was so good at the things i loved.. now im just mediocre at the things i dislike and terrible at the things i hate. nothing feels right nothing at all i swear nothing feels right at all its all wrong and out of place and a chore and a task and just one more day and one more week and five more years and a whole lifetime wasted and ruined and turned into shit

everything is ruined

i am ruined

i became just like everyone i hated, i became the person that does nothing but work, doesnt know anything but work, doesnt go out because of work, doesnt text back because of work, and isnt even good at said work. i became the person who pushes everyone away out of fear i became the person who wants so much but when its right in front of them they ruin it all. and the worst part is that i peaked right before it all ended. i peaked before college. i was everything perfect before college and i loved living because i had time and it felt like it wasnt a crime to exist. i had time for me and my interests. i had time for me and my fucking interests. i had interests, i had hobbies, i had shit i loved and looked forward to. i felt things when i went to certain places, i felt things when i went to the library and attended those lectures about history and art, i mean yes i was very out of place and everyone around me knew more and was so much better than me at the topics at hand but i felt something. i felt interest. i was interested, intrigued, i wanted to know more and i knew exactly what to ask after attending those lectures. i was making connections. i was feeling like i was part of something bigger than myself. i was feeling like i mattered, even if no one around me was like me or understood me and even if i had no friends whatsoever, i felt like i mattered. i was so intrinsically satisfied that it bled out of me and made me extrinsically satisfied. i needed nothing but me, i was happy in the presence of others but i didnt need others whatsoever. i peaked in 23 i peaked in fucking 23 and i cant take it anymore. how and why would i ever study something i hate for 5 years work for 1 year with no pay then suffer for the rest of my life trying to get a job. why would i ever do that? well whatever the reason, im doing that now.

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im doing so bad.. im really at the worst point in my life at the moment. im mourning everything and everyone. but in the midst of it all i would do anything for him to actually like me the way i think he does. maybe that would fix me.. and i dont think anyone else could, i dont know why i want him out of all people, its been 3 years and i still feel the exact same way about him

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my room is colder than the rest of the house

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games to buy: GTA V (enough pirating) Manor Lords Garry's Mod (?) Assassin's Creed Mirage

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its actually terrifying how ugly i am and how ignored i am because of that oh my god

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ik i’m in my luteal phase when im crying on the bus just at a thought

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i’m pretty if you live under a rock n don’t see the ppl i see online

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“yeah you’re the calm n mature one” lol thanks the depression is hollowing me out 🩷

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this was such an era

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this is my favorite picture in the entire religion book