brightonstudios - Tumblr blog

brightonstudios · 18 days ago

Text

Man am I unwell after this chapter...

CHAPTER 18 - Never Enough

Leo couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. The horrible weight of Don’s discovery pressed into him, squeezing his lungs and crushing his heart. His freckled brother’s words echoed a continuous song he didn’t want to hear anymore.

“Lotus was human.”

It took that one sentence to thrust open the brimming flood gates of questions. Lotus’ origin as a human– having an official birth certificate– it meant… she once had a family. She might’ve had a father of her own, a mother! She could’ve had siblings, aunts, uncles! Where were they? Did they know she was mutated? How did she end up in that lab?!

… Did they even care?...

He counted his fingers again as he recalled a nightmare. His brothers had always assumed that only one dream haunted his sleep, but in reality, it had always been two.

His nightmare of watching his brothers fall to their deaths would leave him panting and breathless after waking up.

But this nightmare always left him speechless with questions while confusing tears streamed onto his pillow.

His vision was blurred and spotted, and his skin was the wrong color. With his five-fingered hands he clutched onto something wrapped in a blanket. He didn’t know why but he needed to protect whatever was inside it. The wind blew, frigid and unforgiving. Snow poured down in relentless flurries. He felt alone and lost.

Then he heard a voice, empty and cold as the night.

“They’re not coming back.”

And then he would wake up.

He had always guessed that the strange nightmare was from watching too much tv at night. It was too bizarre to be real.

Or was it just scary enough to be a memory instead of a dream?

Leo turned his gaze away from his hands to glance at his brother; the one who had carried the dreadful burden all on his own. Though the eldest would never admit it, he had always relied heavily on Donatello’s mind and skills. But for fear of dropping another responsibility onto his genius brother’s shoulders, the eldest’s reliance remained silent and unseen.

He and Don would always bicker during their missions, but in actuality, his pessimistic, overdramatic, cunning sibling brought a needed balance to their team. With his intellect, he was able to ground his emotion-based brothers with facts and truth, becoming a much needed reality check to their imaginations.

At that very moment, all Leo wanted were facts that he could stand on, not more questions that would drown him.

“D-Donnie… I don’t…That can’t be it!”

The eldest watched as his freckled brother winced and turned away. A guilty, dreading expression twisted on his face.

“... There’s more on the files…” He softly admitted to the floor, “... I just couldn’t-... I didn’t-”

He’s scared.

Leo’s jittering hand reached out, planting itself onto his brother’s shoulder. He truly wanted to be a rock his sibling could stand on… But instead, they both just sat there, trembling and drowning together; lost in a violent sea of so many questions and never enough answers.

“It was too much…” Don whispered, his voice strained and worn from carrying a burden he never should have.

“It is too much.” Leo softly agreed.

“M-Maybe… maybe in a few days I can try again…”

Leo tightened his grip. “Only when you’re ready.” He closed his eyes, a difficult decision being made behind them. “... You won’t be alone this time. We’ll… go through them together.”

Don’s weary gaze rose from the floor, genuine surprise and relief overcoming every inch of fear on his face. A shy, shaky smile bloomed. “Th-Thank you, Leo…”

The eldest knew what he was signing up for– another weight of responsibility was thrust onto his shoulders. But it was worth it to lessen Don’s burden.

And at least this time– Leo was the one who chose to carry it.

“You’re welcome, Don.”

The moment’s delicate silence shattered at the sudden [BEEP!] of Leo’s phone on the table, launching both brothers’ rear ends two inches off the floor. With their bodies’ harsh jolt, as well as the indignified noises bursting from their mouths, the two combined to finally wake their slumbering third sibling.

Their little brother’s tedious snoring erupted into a snort, followed by Mikey groaning, “Whaaa’s goinn onnn?”

Leo and Don sat beside him, completely flustered and shellshocked. After a moment, the two turned to each other. The tender moment had ended, but the weight of decisions and responsibility still hung over them, threatening to fall and flatten them both. But now that their youngest sibling was awake, they reached for the distraction from their shared burden with open arms. With one last glance of understanding between them, they both laid flat on their plastrons and peeked inside to the natural haven of their baby brother’s shell.

“Heyyy, Mikeyyy.” Leo called, his voice giving off a faint echo in the natural cavern. “Sleep well?”

Mikey let out a huge yawn as his answer, while Don twitched and grimaced at the stench of incoming breath. “Ugh- GROSS! Mikey, you need to brush your teeth immediately!”

Leo simply rolled his eyes, appearing unfazed. Compared to his uptight brother who would flee the scene if someone got sick, the Team Medic had been forced to withstand far worse odors, forcing his sense of smell to adapt and grow more impervious. Therefore, the measly foe of Mikey’s morning breath had almost no effect. Almost.

He suppressed his own grimace as he sat up, both escaping the smell and moving to reach for his phone. “Yeah, I gotta agree with Don– You could slay more foes than Raph with that kind of smell…”

Flipping the device open, he clicked onto the new text. The name of the sender instantly made him cock his head. Speaking of the hothead~ Why’s he texting me when we’re both home?

… He IS home, right?

Before more questions– or rather worries– formed in his mind, he simply read the message.

R - [Dad wants you in the Medbay]

…?

L - [Why?]

A few moments passed.

R - [Just get your shell over here]

Okay, now I’m getting nervous…

L - [Is it an emergency??]

A few more beats.

R - [It’s an overreaction. Just GET OVER HERE]

Leo groaned as he pushed himself up, his muscles scolding him for lying on a tile floor for the last thirty minutes. He knew it had been thirty minutes since at that very moment Don had also taken a quick glance at the time, exclaimed a word he shouldn’t have used in the house, and raced down the hall to his office.

“DON!” Leo chided, slapping two hands over Mikey’s newly emerged head, “LANGUAGE!”

There was no reply, which Leo expected, but hopefully his brother would be more conscious of his vocabulary– especially around Michelangelo.

“Alright, Mike. I gotta go– Are you… good?” Leo carefully asked as he removed his hands from his brother’s head, nervous he would send Mikey into a tailspin of embarrassment and horror all over again. He just needed to know that the youngest was doing better before he left. Raph said it wasn’t an emergency, so he assumed he could spare some time.

Mikey yawned again, stretching and popping fully out of his shell. The sight made Leo smile despite the stench attacking his sinuses.

“Yeah… Think I’m all good, dude. Um... thanks.” The youngest answered with a quaint grin of his own.

A tiny, selfish part of Leo wished he had an older brother who had calmed him down when he’d gone through such a mortifying experience. But the bigger, warmer part of him continued to smile, content to play that part in his own little brother’s story.

He bent down to pat Mikey’s head. “Happy to help.”

Now knowing the youngest was alright and wouldn’t retreat back into his shell again, Leo left the kitchen. Questions continued to clash against his cool-headedness, but despite the noise in his mind, he centered his concentration on helping his family– something that always overpowered his doubts and fears.

“Focus on others so there’s less time to worry about yourself.” His father’s sage advice echoed in his mind; one of the many lessons that had left an impact on the eldest’s heart.

The smile on his face withered.

His footsteps and thoughts came to an abrupt halt once he opened the door to the Medbay. Sitting on the exam table, stiff as a bow and sharp as an arrow, was Raphael. He wore one of the angriest scowls Leo had seen, and once their gazes met, it only darkened.

Finding Raph sitting like a patient instantly shifted Leo’s mindset to Medic, his eyes swiftly beginning to search for the problem while his hands remained motionless at his sides. He knew from experience with his brother that it was best to ask questions first, and leave any physical touch for when the problem was identified. Even then, Raph hated every second of being tended to, but at least he would usually cooperate better.

“What’s… up?” The oldest asked as he entered the room, his steps as tentative as his tone. That day hadn’t exactly begun with sunshine and rainbows, and he really didn’t want to start a fight if he could help it.

Unfortunately, Raph didn’t give him that choice.

“Oh, I’m just sittin’ here waitin’ for the tooth fairy.” His fiery brother monotoned gruffly.

Leo sighed.

Yeah, I expected as much…

The Team Medic raised his brows as a silent request for actual information. He attempted to not show any signs of annoyance or impatience as he hummed questioningly.

Raphael growled as he rolled his eyes, his hands clutching tightly onto the table. “Dad told me to wait for you.” He mumbled.

Carefully, the oldest stepped closer. His anxieties were back, and they were only growing as he watched his brother squirm. If their father had commanded Raph to stay in the Medbay, then something must’ve gone wrong during training. But he hadn’t been called immediately- So it must not be that bad?

… Or had Sensei just caught his brother hiding another injury?

That thought– that realization– swept all other anxieties and worries down the racing stream. What followed was a reignited flame, consuming everything in its path.

“What did you do.” Leo whispered, his gentleness swallowed by fury. The calm crystal of his irises hardened and cracked like the thinnest sheets of ice.

Raph visibly jolted. Then all the walls he had built through the years shot back up. “I didn’t do anything!” He spat, shooting out his arms. “I was just a little sore from practice this morning, so Dad forced me to come here!”

Leo’s eyes fixed onto his brother, his sharp glare slicing through the lies. “Try again.” He spoke with a low, dangerous tone only used for interrogations.

Raph’s scowl deepened. “You think I would’ve come here if I had the choice?”

“I know you wouldn’t.”, Leo replied coldly as his heart pinched. “Therefore it must be really bad if Sensei told you to stay.” He took a step closer to his brother. “Just tell me the truth so we can both get out of here.”

His eyes stung and his heart throbbed, but the pain only stoked the flames within him. Being gentle never worked… When would he finally learn that?

Raph remained still atop the exam table, his heart and skull hardened. His expression still shot pointed arrows, but his body began to crumble and shrink. “It is the truth.” He stated obstinately, but his voice had the strength of a withered leaf.

More lies.

The fire in Leo’s heart exploded, engulfing the blue of his gentle soul with bleeding, furious red.

He took one more step, laced in obvious threat.

“I won’t ask again, Raph. Tell me the truth. Now.”

The piercing cold of his voice seemed to spread all throughout the room, causing Raphael to begin shivering.

“I…” His fiery sibling began, anger now flickering unsurely, “... Leo, I don’t want to do this right no-”

His words burned to husks before they reached the eldest’s ears.

“WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!” Leo burst, all hints of his gentleness and patience reduced to ash. “WHY do you have to make this so DIFFICULT? I just want to help! W-WHY don’t you TRUST ME?!”

Breaths came in sharp spurts as he tried to focus on not hyperventilating. Memories of past battles blurred his vision. Hateful, destructive insults echoed in his ears. Loneliness and loss ripped into his wounded heart.

The flames, the anger, the hurt… it overwhelmed him.

“W-Why…” Leo gasped, struggling to breathe but adamant to speak what had been on his heart for years, “... Why do you hate me?”

Horrible, heavy silence crushed the oxygen in his lungs, as the raging blaze within him was smothered by something far more powerful.

He grabbed his little brother’s arms in the tightest grip he could manage. “Why?” He wept, voice pleading and choked.

The room was cold.

His mind burned.

His eyes stung.

Wounds he had been concealing for so long now bled freely.

It was agony.

“I’m sorry.”

The voice was soft, delicate, and vulnerable. But what it said possessed the power to heal what had been broken.

After a tear fell, Leo’s vision cleared. And what he saw before him was something he never expected and never wanted.

“I’m sorry.” Raphael repeated, his throat tight with pain as tears streamed down his face. “I didn’t w-want to be another burden. You… you already have enough on your plate– You’re stressin’ out all the time! You’re trying to h-help Lotus! You don’t… You don’t need another… another problem to fix!”

Leo’s vision was clear, but it was only at that point when his eyes truly opened.

He saw scars.

He saw tears falling from familiar hazel and foreign green irises.

He saw a soul… that was hurting just as much as he was.

“Raph…” He breathed, “Y-You… You’re not a burden. You’re… you’re my brother.”

Raph shifted his gaze to the floor. “I’ve been your enemy.”

“No,” Leo softly interjected, “No, that was years ago. We’re past that– W-We’re both better!”

His fiery brother turned back towards the eldest, his eyes shimmering. “Look at us.” He asked plainly, voice raw with honesty, “This–.... This isn’t better, Leo.”

“But we don’t argue anymore– “

“- Hard to do that when we’re barely talking anymore either.”

Despite all that Leo hoped, he knew his little brother was right. Their wounds may have been aged, but they had still been bleeding all those years. Like a gash wrapped in the finest silk, the silence that tied their tongues had never healed, it had only harmed.

“I’m sorry.” Leo whispered, his gaze crossing from his brother’s eyes to the jagged scar inflicted by his blade. “I’m so sorry, Raphael.”

“It’s not your fault I’m like this.” His sibling muttered with a snarl not aimed at the eldest.

Leo reached his hand to his brother’s face, fingers gentle and shaking. Raph twitched when the eldest caressed his scar. “That’s not true… And you know it.”

His fiery brother’s eyes ignited as his posture straightened, pointing an accusing finger at himself. “THIS was an accident, you idiot.” Then he shot that same finger at Leo. “ And don’t you dare think otherwise.”

“It was my idea in the first place!” Leo argued, the truth of the fact adding poison and passion to his voice.

“You were thirteen!” Raph shouted as he slammed his finger into Leo’s plastron.

“I should have known better!”

“YOU. WERE. THIRTEEN.”

“- I could have KILLED YOU, DON’T YOU GET THAT?!”

Raph’s mouth clamped shut onto his fangs, a huffed sigh like a hiss escaping. “You were just a kid. A naive, stupid, reckless kid. Sensei hadn’t even forced you to be leader yet- you didn’t have all that responsibility weighin’ you down.”

That’s just an excuse. Leo thought bitterly, his hands releasing his brother’s arms and falling to his sides.

“You and I had no idea what we were doing,” Raph continued, his hand unconsciously grazing over the lightning bolt chip above his heart, “cause we were just freaking KIDS.”

“- But!” Leo attempted, but his voice was smothered by his brother.

“It doesn’t matter that you’re the oldest– you deserved to be free just as much as the rest of us.”

Leo stuttered at that, inwardly hushing the needy, selfish part of him he hated so much. “I… But Sensei said-”

“Dad was wrong about you. He never should have made you leader- Look at what it’s doing to you!”

“I-I’m fine!” He lied, eyes heavy and stomach twisting.

“You hardly sleep.” Raph growled, “I swear every night you’re jolting awake from the same nightmare. The nightmare that, heh, you never even trusted us enough to tell us about… Nothing’s changed since you were fourteen.”

Guilt coiled around Leo’s heart at his brother’s statement. He had always tried to be silent when he was ripped from his sleep by his nightmares… But apparently he had failed at that too.

“That’s not true!” Leo defended weakly, no longer believing the lie but still yelling it, “I-”

“- Never rest and rarely eat.” Raph whispered accusingly, “You’re not fooling anyone, even Mikey saw through your excuses about not being hungry.”

“... You call that being a good steward? “ His youngest brother’s voice echoed in Leo’s mind.

“I can handle it…” The eldest spoke with fluctuating confidence. “B-Being your leader sharpens me.” He repeated what he was told for years.

“It’s breaking you.” Raph replied, anger reaching a crescendo as his voice hushed to a deadly whisper.

Broken. Weak. Not strong enough. Not good enough.

“It’s w-what I was TRAINED FOR!” Leo finally cried out, tears returning. “If Sensei hadn’t made me leader I never would’ve-”

“What? Never gotten to act your age? Never got permission to just be?” Raph pushed.

Leo looked at his brother’s scar again.

THAT is what happened when I acted my age. THAT is what happens if I just be myself.

I have to be more than me. For them.

“Dad knew I needed to grow up. And he taught me how to handle it.” Leo spoke assuredly while his eyes continued to glimmer with doubt.

“By not sleeping or eating? That’s what he said to do?” Raph probed. “Oh~ Well done, Master…”

Leo’s eyes became dangerous slits. “Don’t talk about Dad like that.” He growled in return. “He’s not flawless, and he’s not supposed to be.”

He doesn’t know about any of this, so it can’t be his fault.

Raph slammed his hands down on the exam table, scaring the leader out of his thoughts. He began stalking towards Leo, making the eldest shakily backtrack to the wall. “And that is what makes it so much worse that he expects perfection from YOU.” He yelled.

“All he wants is for me to keep us safe! That’s not demanding ‘perfection’, Raph. It’s… expecting what I should’ve been doing in the first place.” Leo stated as he was corralled deeper into a corner.

“Oh-hoh, you make it sound so simple! Is that what Dad taught you to think? That it should be easy to lead?” Raph asked as he continued to storm closer.

“NO.” Leo yelled as his shell hit the wall, hands shaking and tears flowing, “H-He taught me how to love you guys instead of MANIPULATE you!” He angrily wiped his face as he took his own step forward.

“He chose me to be the leader… because I deserve that responsibility.”

His little brother’s face fell as the roles were switched and he began to back away. “W-What?...”

“Every nightmare…” Leo spoke as he took another step, “... every fight... every agonizing second trying to find you and bring you home…”

Both brothers froze.

“… it’s what I deserve.”

That truth was all he had ever known; the only thing that kept him from becoming careless and bitter. It pushed him to be more diligent, a better brother, a worthy son.

More... Better… Worthy…

I’ll never be enough for them.

Suddenly Raphael did something Leo never expected; something his fiery brother hadn’t done in years.

Arms enveloped him so quickly the air was knocked out of his chest. Shivering fingers rubbed up and down on his carapace. A hard, cracked plastron pressed against him.

“Stop lying to yourself.” Raph’s small voice whispered from underneath Leo’s chin. He nestled his head closer, breath warm on the eldest’s neck. “You don’t deserve any of this.”

Leo remained speechless and breathless in the embrace. His hands hung at his sides, unmoving and unreciprocating; frozen.

“You take what Sensei says so seriously… there’s no room for what God has to say.” His little brother spoke in the softest tone Leo had ever heard. Raph slowly pulled away, just enough to look his oldest brother in the eyes. “You need to stop thinking about this ‘who I have to be’ crap, and focus on who you already are.”

Leo’s gaze sank like a ship swallowed by the depths of the sea.

I’m trying.

I’m failing.

… I’m so tired.

A calloused but tender hand reached down, lifting Leo’s chin. Warm hazel and green met weary crystal.

“You’re a leader.” His little brother said, eyes filled to the brim with honesty and admiration. “You’re a medic. You’re a soldier of Truth… But first, you’re my idiot brother who can’t get it through his thick skull that he can never be perfect.”

“-I…” Leo choked and gasped in the torrent of truth and pain.

“You can never be enough.”

Images burned into Leo’s mind of the many years he trained under his father; the times he pushed himself to be better- to rise up to the expectations hanging above him that were always just out of reach. His Master’s counsel echoed back to him.

“Your brothers rely on you, Leonardo.”

“Never forget that your actions always have consequences.”

“It’s our duty to keep the family safe.”

Flashes of his failures taunted him, reminding him of his weakness: the scar over his brother’s eye… the fear in Lotus’ heart… the anxiety that crushed his lungs and twisted his stomach every time someone left their home…

Raph sighed as he slowly shook his head, placing a steadying hand on his oldest brother’s shoulder. He smiled, broken but healing. “... You’ll never be enough… because you’re not supposed to be.”

It went against everything Leonardo believed. And yet, his little brother’s words finally began to calm the raging storm inside him. All that time- all those years of struggling and fighting to be worthy of his family and his roles on the team… He had been believing a lie.

There’s only One person Who will always be enough. And it would never be him.

And that’s okay.

And then, for the first time in far too long, Leonardo sobbed into Raphael’s arms.

That's it for this chapter! ... WOO!

I have been leading up to this very moment for so long- You've all been up and down Raph and Leo for not communicating and settling their sibling feud- And now, at least, things have been said, and hearts have finally been given the opportunity to heal. <3 (Also the mystery surrounding the brothers and Lotus' origins continuessss)

I've said before that a lot of my story- specifically the relationships and dynamics of the family and Lotus- are based on my life and the friendships and connections I have with my own family. And this chapter, or rather this entire Leo and Raph arc, is specifically based on the healing journey that me and my older sister had to embark on in order to learn how to love each other. As every sibling knows, there will always be times when you don't like your brothers and sisters. There will always be those lil moments when they drive you MENTAL and steal your YOGURT OUT OF THE FRIDGE EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S YOURS- ... I need to calm down.

Aaaanyways~ Sibling relationships can be extremely unpredictable and messy. And for me and my sister, we nearly spent eight or so years arguing, challenging, instigating, and competing with each other.

And it nearly broke our relationship beyond repair. But, my parents and oldest sister combined forces and double-downed on us to read our Bibles and study what God had to say about loving others and putting their happiness before your own.

"Your love for your sister must outweigh your longing to win."

It took years of training; teaching and learning how to speak kind, uplifting words to each other, openly complimenting each other's work, and especially growing to see each other in the correct light. Like Raph did to Leo in this chapter, we would remind each other of who we are: sisters, family, fellow soldiers for Truth, and followers of Christ.

How can someone see the love of Christ in a home full of people who hate each other?...

I hope and pray that God will use this chapter to touch your heart. Whether it opened your eyes, soothed your soul, or pricked your conscience, I hope it leaves an impact. <3

Thanks for reading! Feel free to reblog!

@indieyuugure @writer-in-wonder @allyheart707 @oddartistl3 @risebabyx2 @joyjoygorl @carrots-bear @imagionationstation @howtotrainyourdragonprince @jasminegazer @brightonstudios @ninjaturtlefan-dee @rottmntlover14 @eggbem @lydjachan @sashatrout @chaosborb @maddys-nerd-blog @alexthecreature @dorkatella @thetanzanitequill @poetique823

If you want to be tagged in the next chapter, comment down below! (That way when I post the next chapter you'll get the notification!)

To God be the glory!

~ Melissa

MASTERPOST <- PRIOR CHAPTER NEXT CHAPTER ->

#AHHHHH LEOOOO #he's so traumatizzzzzed #:((((((((((#tmnt #the strength in weakness #A nightmare or a dream? Hmmmm #<- prev tag #I'm sorry what???#moots!#moot art!

62 notes · View notes