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I feel like an 80s housewife. Laying in bed on an early Saturday night masturbating to freestyle music

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Three beers is enough 😣

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I Am My Ancestors' Wildest Nightmare

I am home in this dream. Not sure which home but I am surrounded by family. My little sister shows up decked out in scarves and handmade writings of "BLM" and "End Police Violence" on her skin. She looks ready for war. I am proud that she is participating. I look to my right and see my older sister dressed in similar fashion. When did she change clothes? I just saw her a couple of minutes ago looking ready to host a family gathering and now she is covered in scarves. I look to her and say "You're going too?" No words spoken but a look of yes. Now, I'm thinking why was I not invited? The pain of not being invited or being left out takes over. I gather food that I was eating and head to a bedroom to cry and rage in private. I see myself throwing things, screaming expletives at walls until my sisters walk in to see what's going on. I continue yelling, screaming hateful words at them, and crying. I notice hands clinched with balls of hair from pulling in fits of rage.

I wake up with this feeling of rejection. Rejection from my family, from friends, from my husband whom I have been fighting with all day and from society. My covid test is negative but still can't leave the house. No protests. No Juneteenth celebrating. No Father's Day family gatherings. No certainty of financial and housing situations. No strength. No power. No hope. I cry and rage some more.

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Fuckin sick. No care for the working class

The people protesting to open businesses up don’t want to go back to work, they want *you* to go back to work so they can go to a movie or a restaurant.

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8:30pm

I dread that time. The alarm on my watch goes off to remind me to take my daily dose of prescribed sanity.

I don't remember my first experience starting this drug having side effects. Thirty minutes after swallowing and I feel a build up of acid in my stomach. My digestive system begins it's dance of rejection. Nausea, diarrhea.

I know this will only last a couple of weeks but it's 8:30 now. Dammit. Second alarm

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Done.

I had to leave my normal social media distractions. I need quiet. I need space. I need relief. I need liberation. I need change. I need normalcy. I need connection. I need disconnection. I need.

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A Star is Dying (movie spoilers included)

If you've seen the 70s version of A Star is Born, you probably weren't too excited about this recent remake. However, I started to watch trailers, music videos and read articles today.

I know the story and the tragic death of the male protagonist but I was not ready for it to trigger my own issues with alcohol, drugs, depression and suicidal thoughts.

After watching, i began to tear up and then cry. Am i doomed to end up like Bradley Cooper's character? No matter how much I achieve, no matter how much I am loved/adored and no matter how much I love, will it ever be enough? Will I ever be truly happy? Will I some day give up? That is a scary thought to have and I don't have the answer. So, I write this knowing that I don't have an answer, teetering between hope and hopelessness. I guess maintaining hope is a positive thing

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Science is that beautiful

a scientist and an icon

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5am

I've had a reoccurring nightmare since childhood. This is the first time that I've had it in decades and it's weird. The beginning, middle and end are pretty much the same but with an adult perspective. I remember being freer and more adventurous in the swimming scene. The weight of the water was heavier and i struggled more. As an adult, i was more afraid of the water, more cautious but the water was not as deep as i remembered so easier to navigate. There was more adult content but pretty much, the same dream. I woke up before finishing bc i always die at the end and i don't need to do that. I have the power to stop my nocturnal thoughts. But I'm still afraid to go back to sleep 😞

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Summer

Fall is near.

All i can think about is warm, rainy nights.

Me dancing naked and feeling pleasure in the cool rain.

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My anxiety won again

Sitting here drinking the beer that i bought for a party.

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Speaking without speaking

I was asked to speak at an event yesterday. I am thinking "Great. This person is awesome. Introducing a political candidate is a piece of cake". But, that is not what happened. My skin started to heat up. My mind is racing. I stumble over my words to respond. Hello, Ms. Social Anxiety. This bitch always shows up at the wrong damn time. She hangs around long enough for me to decline and to be saved by another person who volunteers to speak.

After the relief, comes the shame. I feel like a coward. A failure. I am not doing my part in the community. I am all talk on social media but can't use my voice when it counts.

How do I reconcile that? I want to be okay with saying no but I need to know when to say yes.

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My nephew got married yesterday and i couldn't afford to attend the wedding. Poverty disrupts life.

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Something wicked this way comes…

A cute witchy woman!