carouseldreamdiary

[carouseldreamdiary]

25.02.24

my dream kept flashing between a present day where i was with luca in peru and where i was in las palmas talking with my parents

my father knew i was going to peru and didnt really care or ask questions about it. but he wanted me to tell my mother. i kept running around down this long dusty path. it kinda looked like i was in el barranco de santa brigida. it felt really good running, my legs were so strong it didnt hurt at all. i could run so fast one foot after the other again and again and i just wanted to keep running forever.

eventually i stopped and began to talk to my mother. the conversation went surprisingly well because she made a lot of assumptions. she was entirely functioning under the belief that i would never meet someone off the internet again. that this person was 100% just a friend and it was more i was using them as a person to stay with while in peru, rather than them being the reason for me going there. then she mentioned one of my exes that i know she always liked and asked how he was and i said i didnt know because i didnt. but it felt like she was still hoping we would get back together.

then in the present day, for some reason i couldnt see luca it was a pretty weird perspective. i was just surveying the land of peru. it looked a lot like gran canaria except more green and more vast, also not sloped in one direction. i didnt see luca in my dream at all.

[carouseldreamdiary]

24.02.24

i dreamt me and luca were somewhere weird and sitting next to eachother on our own table and chair each. we were just talking and i cant remember what it was we were saying but i can remember his facial expressions being very detailed.

eventually you began looking at me and tearing up and i didnt want him to cry so i leaned over to the table where he was sat, and suddenly he grabbed my hand. and like our hands went through eachother and i realised it was because we were holograms we werent actually together physically in that moment

[carouseldreamdiary]

22.02.24

I dreamt luca came inside me and was shaking and crying because he was so scared of the implications. I told him it was okay and I could take the morning after pill but he seemed like genuinely shaken and deeply upset for me. i think he was scared that id have to have an abortion.

the world started falling apart piece by piece like bits of lego into a black void, and i suddenly realised luca was behind a glass wall and i told him if i had to have an abortion again i wanted him to come back with me to spain and be there with me. i knew what i was saying was selfish and impossible but i couldnt bring myself to say "sorry its okay ill be fine", i wanted him to come with me. he looked pensive when i said that and i thought he might break up with me.

[carouseldreamdiary]

19.02.24

i dreamt i was in m&s with hannah and bethan and we were and hiding behind the clothing stands and touching eachother kinda playfully and kissing a bit but not rly sexually was just like idk was weird dream like i remember grabbing one of their stomachs . we were just hiding from the staff

[carouseldreamdiary]

21.01.24

i dreamt i was in this big complex residential garden area and i was helping old people with their gardening and daily life tasks. then my mother was there and she was scolding me about something.

[carouseldreamdiary]

26.10.23

i dreamt i got a disease from touching a giraffe and it was a well known fact u get diseased from touching giraffes . i was convulsing and drooling and moaning and i got taken to hospital and they told me id need 6 operations

later on i was in a room with linfan, willne and then my irl friend from 2 years agos valencian girlfriend and they were sitting together doing an interview and i was trying to take pictures of them but the lighting was so bad every photo came out weird

then i was with these two half cat half toddlers who were the presidents of america and i was helping them film a video about why only they should be the president not the other, and when it came to the girls turn the boy cat had scuttled through a hole in the ceiling and then i woke up

[carouseldreamdiary]

22.10.23

i was walking in an orchard and all the apple trees were being felled, all the apples were bright red and huge. but the chopping of the trees down was cutting through them. as i hurried through i came to a clearing, on the right were more trees, this time with gilled mushrooms growing off the branches. i was about to start to walk down and maybe pick some but there was a husband and wife further down the orchard and i didnt want them to see me so i hovered near the entrance to their part.

suddenly i heard a voice happily yelling my name and i turned around to see a middle aged bearded man smiling running over to me. his face looked a lot like gerry adams now i think about it because i remember thinking he had a lot of teeth lol. he was wearing gloves and a cap and a green jacket and wellies, he looked like he was in hunting gear.

i didn't know who he was originally but i suddenly had a memory within the dream pop into my head explaining who he was; which was he was my old teacher who helped me a lot with my mental health in school. he was always there for me and helped bandage my body when i was hurt and i saw myself as a teenager in a wheelchair. i was extremely thin with long black greasy hair, i was covered in scars and bruises and cuts. and i was too small to fit in the wheelchair, but this teacher was helping me.

back to present day in the dream i happily wandered over to him. he said he had been looking for me and was worried about me. apparently not too much time had passed since that memory because when i went to hug him i only reached about his waist height. i explained about the orchards and mushrooms and we chatted about mundane things for a while, he seemed very proud of me and was smiling and patting me on the head.

i dont remember much of what happened next, it involved stealing a bus i think and running around in a mass of people in the dark down a road im not sure. but eventually i found myself in this narrow house. as i walked the corridors i came face to face with that old teacher again. except now we were the same height. he said to me i had gotten so much taller and now i was ready for this and then he put his arms around me and began making a move on me. i dont remember what happened next but i think i struggled with him and woke up

[carouseldreamdiary]

12.02.24

i dreamt i was in peru with luca and there was a traditional festival happening at that time and it was very important to luca so he was doing it with all the men in his town

there was lots of different events in the festival, they were doing lots of nice dancing of different types and dressing up in traditional clothes. i was standing watching and cheering him on all the time through each event

then there was this event where you had to go to this old man and roll these like dice with markings on them that looked almost like ogham irish markings to me. but anyway he rolled them and he looked at the markings for a moment and came over to me excitedly saying they spelt out S and L, for our names. and he grabbed my arms and began jumping excitedly telling me we were going to be together forever and i got happy too and joined in with him

then he took my hand and began walking around the event area and people kept coming up to him and asking him what his fortune said and he kept proudly saying "that we are going to be together forever!" , it was really sweet

then he had to do a different event and for some reason everyone had to wear blue eye contacts and luca did too, and he had to be totally naked and there was a woman who had seperated his hair into two parts and was wrapping each part in blue thread. i remember luca looking at me and smiling and he looked very excited and proud

then i woke up

[carouseldreamdiary]

11.02.24

i dreamt of a man slowly breaking into my family home, he set up cameras to every window and he hacked all our phones so we couldnt call the police and he could see us thru the cameras on our phones too

it was so terrifying and we were so high up there was no escape. my dad stupidly didnt barricade the door but he ran out with a knife and tried to stab the man but the man stabbed him again and again and i could hear him screaming and then he came into the flat and started stabbing my sister in the stomach and i could see the knife pulling at her intestines through her skin it was awful. she was screaming so loud. then he turned for me and i slammed one of the bedroom doors shut and barricaded myself in there.

i think my dad attacking him confused him cuz my phone glitched a bit and i was able to use my phone to call the police and i was screaming and screaming at them to come quickly but he was breaking the door down

then i dont know what happened i think i climbed onto the roof and he was there too, and i was so scared i think i just ran at him and pushed him off the roof. and i remember peering over and seeing his body staring up on the concentrete at me unmoving

i went downstairs to find the police and i was screaming waving at them to come over to me and they finally did and all i wanted was to run and jump in one of their cars and lock myself in safely and leave but they wouldnt let me

they were being so useless they took me back to the edificio and asked me to show them the body but his body was gone. then suddenly he came out of nowhere and was stabbing the police now and i was screaming crying and i think i got a knife from somewhere and pinned him down and stabbed him in the face and chest and neck and stomach and he was stabbing me too in the legs and i just wanted him to die and be done with this

after that i was sitting in my childhood garden under the big oak tree and luca started texting me as normal like hiiiii and i was like i didnt even know how to explain what happened but i think i started to tell him and then i woke up

[carouseldreamdiary]

10.02.24

i had two dreams but i forgot the second one.

the first i dreamt i was with luca in peru and his whole family was pretty unsure of me but we were sorta kinda getting along . the thing is tho his family was way bigger than i realised, he had like 20 siblings and they were all over the house and coming and talking to me.

anyway i somehow ended up on the roof with his mother and she was really disgusted by me and didnt want to be anywhere near me i think cuz i was dressed like too provocatively . but i was trying to help her down off the roof cuz i was scared she would fall . we got like halfway down the ladder and SOMEONE appeared who i believed was luca to help us both down .

now ….. this person was like acting like they were luca except they looked totally different , they had really short hair and a more round face and a smaller nose and mouth and rly they didnt look anything like luca but for some reason i went along with it and i hugged and kissed them. then suddenly the actual luca appeared and i was like DA FAWK i felt so disgusted and betrayed and i realised this was lucas brother??? anyway he ran off and i remember going to luca and grabbing his face and studying it intently . i could see every aspect of lucas face so clearly , his eyebrows, his eyes, his nose, his mouth . and i think maybe he thought i was being romantic but tbh it kinda was an emotional moment cuz i finally found the real him , but he pulled me towards him and kissed me very passionately it was cute…

then we were in his room but it was nothing like his actual room . his room was on the bottom floor and it was all white painted brick but like not clinical white . the lights were low and i laid down on his bed and he began to take your shirt off and we were just chatting abt crap . he started moving towards me on the bed and leant over me and began kissing me again and stroking my head , but then suddenly his mum like opened the sliding doors behind him and was like DIOS MIO …. and quickly shut them again and left and he got super embarrassed and tried to put his shirt back on to explain to her but i think i told him not to bother lol

something happened and we were back on your bed , we were both in our underwear and he said something like "you can finally show me your dick sucking abilities" and i was like OKAYYYYY and began to move over to him but i think i woke up

[carouseldreamdiary]

07.02.24

i dreamt complicated things, then i dreamt of a man riding through the woods on a horse. he was stalking a goat. the wood was beautiful, the whole scene was beautiful actually because it was autumn, the leaves were yellow and falling all around and the ground was yellow from the leaves too.

eventually the man shot the goat. it didnt make a sound. he walked over to the goat and there was a woman there. she told him to rape the goats body. and he did. there was blood oozing out of the side of the goat from the arrow and everytime he thrusted a little more spurted out.

then i woke up.

[carouseldreamdiary]

06.02.24

i dreamt me and luca were living together in madrid and he had to leave back for peru on wednesday. we were chilling and chatting in my apartment and we ended up lying on my sofa and i remember asking him if we should do something together but he insisted we should wait until july before doing anything sexual

i think i asked him if he minded if i touched him and began rubbing his crotch and he said it was alright but that we would have to stop if someone came in. i remember rubbing his dick and him looking at me in the eyes and then someone came in and we had to stop

then i ended up going out on my own wandering in madrid and i ended up in this big confusing shopping center. there were loads of people and this man started following me through the crowd and trying to hit my ass and i kept yelling at him to stop but he wouldnt and nobody would help me.

eventually i got to this big indoor swimming pool, but at first i thought i was in gran canaria at las canteras beach. but i realised i was in an indoor swimming pool made to imitate that beach. it was pretty shit how good of an imitation they did.

i think i started texting luca and he felt really bad he hadnt been there for me earlier, then i woke up

[carouseldreamdiary]

01.02.24

i dreamt i was showing luca around madrid and gran canaria. we were at my flat in madrid for a bit, but then we went to lago in casa del campo. we went on the lake in boats and luca kept moving around and i was scared we would fall in the water

then we went to one of the cafes around the edge of lago, but we went to this like american themed one (that doesnt exist irl). luca ordered so much food for some reason and started picking all the protein out of it (like just the hotdogs without the bun and the eggs)

then luca was eating churros with syrup and he asked me if he could feed me one and i agreed and he asked me to lie on his lap to feed me, so i did. i remember climbing over him and putting my hands on his shoulders and lying my head in his lap. and for some reason luca poured the whole cup of syrup on my face and we both were laughing

after that some guy came up with a blackboard with random letters and luca was like look at that guys lips every 10 seconds , and every 10 seconds he would correctly mouth the next letter on the blackboard without looking

[carouseldreamdiary]

24.01.24

i dreamt i was in this shop and stole a bunch of sunglasses and jewellery . when i got home i spread it out on the floor in the corridor of my flat and i realised they were all worth like 500 euros each and i had stolen like thousands of euros of stuff

my brother came out his room and was like ur gna get arrested and i was like oh no i wont , then i turned around and a police officer was somehow in my house and he was smiling at me. he started asking me abt it all and i explained i had no idea why i did it and i wouldnt have if id known how expensive they were. he was very nice to me and didnt arrest me and over the coming days we spoke and he suggested i had kleptomania or something cuz i couldnt give a reason as to why i stole it all

then i was in the police station and the boss of my 2nd job was working there for some reason , she wasnt really doing her job tho and was just going on chatgpt and using it to plan lessons for our actual job . i remember getting bored of her questions and rolling around on the floor and it felt really good and i didnt care what anyone thought of me

then a few days later my sister and her husband came to visit for some reason . it was valentines day and they had decorated my entire flat with so many lights and hanging decorations from the ceiling u could barely walk. it was really annoying but i said i didnt mind it.

my sister had also got 2 sphynx cats, one was pink and naked and the other was white and had a little hair. she was really bad with them and kept scaring them off and she kept picking them up by their heads?? so i picked one up and stroked it gently and it kept purring and she got really mad at me cuz it liked me more than her

then i was in my bedroom i think and i could hear plutia and she was meowing but it sounded like she was saying "i really really really" or "i truly truly truly" and i thought maybe she was copying me cuz i always tell luca how much i really love him, then just then luca called me irl and my phone woke me up lol

[carouseldreamdiary]

15.01.24

i had a terrible nightmare. i dreamt it was christmas and i was in my childhood home, for some reason in through the front door jake walked. except he looked different. his skin was somehow even more bright white like it was glowing and his hair was blonde

before i could even say or do anything, i noticed my father. i cant remember what he said to me but it was something disparraging about how i was spineless and a whore for letting jake back into my life. i knew he was on the verge of violence with jake too, so suddenly the dream shifted to a different house

at first the house was empty, and it was just me and jake. i dont remember what exactly we did or said but i felt he was being nice, we were just talking about mundane things. and he was very quiet and gentle with me. he was totally different. but in my head in the dream i was screaming that i didnt want to be here. i kept thinking about luca and how if this happened id be betraying him. but it was like my body was moving without me, i couldnt do anything.

eventually we ended up in this big upper area of the house, and there were lots of people there. it sort of looked like a party i went to in tetuán. it was a massive run down room with lots of people milling and dancing and lots of sofas hidden around corners. we were suddenly on the sofa and jake began fingering me. i wanted to cry. there were people all around and i felt humiliated and disgusting but i couldnt speak or do anything. he then began to fuck me. and i couldnt do anything either.

eventually he stopped, and he asked me to turn over. and i felt my heart stop because i knew he wanted to do anal. i think my brain finally overrode itself because everything in the dream shifted again.

now we were in the same room but it was covered in christmas decorations. lots of my friends and family were there, and people were giving gifts to eachother. suddenly it was jakes turn and he came over to me beaming smiling and he gave me a bunch of presents. i remember thinking "i dont have anything to give him because i wasnt prepared for this". when i opened the presents it was a bunch of random crap like little toy cars. and i think we joked with eachother about it, and everyone in the room got really quiet and was just staring at us angrily and with disgust. i knew it was because they all knew he was a terrible person, and were disgusted that i was with him again.

i think someone asked me why i was with him and i struggled to find an answer. i dont think i had one to give and they just looked at me with upset.

eventually i got tired of people looking at us, so we left the room and began to climb the building to the higher floors. on the highest floor there was a bunch of missing floor between the top of the stairs and the rest of the floor. the way to cross it was by stepping on this leather rung bridge and then pulling yourself up by some rope.

i began to walk across but by the time i got to the rope i noticed jake had started to cross too and i told him to please go back because the bridge would break and he obeyed. i started to pull myself up on the rope and i stopped and thought why am i even trying to do this i should just let go and die, and then i woke up

[carouseldreamdiary]

13.01.24

i dreamt i was in madrid where i live looking after some children. there was an 8 year old girl and then a little toddler boy, and i was just babysitting them and we were coming home from shopping or something.

the girl was really strong and she kept playing with her scarf and i think i told her to wrap up because it was cold out but she instead grabbed my hand and started swinging me around and i think she threw me across the street she was so strong. it didnt hurt and they were both just laughing and thought it was funny

then i remember i got a text from luca and i thought i cant read it right now because im busy, but eventually i did and it was a video. the video started with someone else filming and looking down at him from above, he was looking into the camera with his big black eyes and then smiled a little. he was wearing a black turtleneck and a red tarten dress with shoulder straps.

after a few seconds the camera panned out and he was in a supermarket, he had a skateboard and began to skate through the aisles pulling things down and smashing stuff off the shelves. i remember thinking he looked really confident and cool, then i woke up

[carouseldreamdiary]

18.12.23

i dreamt i was in a field of wheat, im not sure what time of day it was but the sky was grey and purple. this field stretched into the horizon on every side of me, i could turn in a full circle and see nothing but dancing wheat

suddenly i became aware that i wasnt alone, and someone materialised about 50 metres away from me. it was kim. except he didn't look the way i always imagine him; like he looked when we were teens. he looked like he does now. tall, big, long curly black hair, a thick beard and moustache. and he began slowly plodding towards me.

he stopped about 10 metres away, and we just looked at each other. i didn't say anything and neither did he. but i thought something in my head. i thought to myself "i don't love you".

nothing else happened after that, we just stood there and i panned around the area for a while until i woke up.