carronpatrick

[carronpatrick]

Gentle reminder that you can hold an abuser accountable for being an abuser and still be devastated by the loss of a life.

[carronpatrick]

feeling grief over someone who shaped part of your childhood / teenage years ≠ excusing his actions.

you can grieve someone and still not like them or agree with their actions. a reminder that two things can be true at once.

[carronpatrick]

:(

[carronpatrick]

— Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

[carronpatrick]

Sorry I didn’t text back I’m mentally drained and can’t maintain a normal friendship

[carronpatrick]

[carronpatrick]

i know it'll pass but. can it pass a little quicker thanks

[carronpatrick]

Grief is the only proof that I love and I love well. Love and grief are actually intertwined with each other and as "Akif Kichloo" once wrote, "the opposite of grief is not laughter or happiness or joy. It is love. It is love. It is love."

[carronpatrick]

I make art about grief again

[carronpatrick]

× prayer in the shape of prozac. try to medicate the lows that come and meet me in the night time. losing track of my time. // i'll do anything for love, i don't feel like i'm enough... yes, i can promise if you knew me, you would probably walk away, no, you wouldn't wanna stay.

i know i'll be fine, it's just that every time this comes back; tell my maker up above, i have had enough and

i can't carry this anymore- heavy from the hurt inside my veins. i can't carry this anymore, wonder what it's like to be okay. ×

[carronpatrick]

I had 4 hours of sleep in the past 3 days... And now that Trooper is gone, I just. I'm so scared to even try to sleep.

I haven't slept alone since I was like, 12. Which, I haven't slept since Trooper died 14 hours ago despite being so utterly destroyed I can barely keep my mind working... But either a dog or boyfriend or friend sleepovers or on my parent's floor... I don't know how to sleep alone without night terrors and fitful dozing of 15 minutes here, 10 there.

And I don't even give a flying fuck if whoever reads this thinks I'm being dramatic. I'm not. I had this puppy since he was 7 weeks old, being sold as a 'defect' because he had a curly-q tail, and we were together through an extremely abusive relationship, a car accident, someone stalking and threatening to kill me, my shitty ass family and exfriends dramas, the death of my dad and Jake and our 2 eldest dogs, 5 different diseases between us two, my mom's brain surgery, and every time my depression got almost unbearable where I literally begged God to let me die... I kept going purely because he needed me.

He slept in my arms from night one. There were 3 nights in his 9 year life where I wasn't home and that was to take care of my mother in Nashville and my dad watched him and sent me hourly pupdates. I didn't sleep until I almost passed out whole driving us home and even then I was in my mom's room.

I feel absolutely empty and hollowed and dead. Just still have the horrific pain which is how I know I'm still alive. I manage to stop sobbing and having a panic attack where I can't breathe and then I just... Look around and I see him everywhere. His water bowl by the bed, his babies on it, his hair clippers in the bathroom, his medicine downstairs, his numerous beds and toys and his treats and his little hoodie and his damn fur from when I trimmed him literally right before his became comatose on our bed... I have his collar on me constantly, which I bought before I even knew he was the best boy for me...

I am just so utterly alone. Everyone I love leaves or dies or lives hundreds of miles away and I genuinely don't know what I did in a past life to either piss off the universe or for God to think I can just handle all of these struggles... But I'm so sorry for whatever I did, I am. I need just.... One bit of good, of sunshine in this fucking hurricane.

I had to set up 2 night lights just so I can try to maybe sleep if I can finally pass out from deprivation and exhaustion from crying almost the entire past 14 hours. My skin is raw, my eyes are swollen and red, my nose and sinuses are stopped up to where I popped my left ear when swallowing mid-episode, I got maybe 6 bites of food in because I am so so sick to my stomach, I have a fever and chills, I have marks where I dug nails into my arms and legs and a bruise on my forehead and chest where I pounded repeatedly in a feeble attempt to stay sane and alive and grounded and I still can't fucking sleep.

I lay on my left and I expect to see him there, whining to go under the covers and cuddle with me... Lay on my right and expect to feel him curl into my back and scooch me to the side more and more... Lay on my back and expect to feel him at my head, curled around it like he did since he was a baby.

I doubt anyone is still reading and I'm just fucking sobbing writing it but. It's 330a and it's not like I can fucking sleep. I want my baby, I want my daddy, I want my honey... I want to dissociate or just snap and not feel a fucking thing thing until I can successfully shove all of this pain and sadness and misery into my compartmentalizing brain boxes and not take bits out until I can handle them.

Hopefully my medicines kick my ass and I just.... Sleep with zero dreams or terrors for the next day or week or, idk. I can't even talk about what exactly happened to him because it was too similar to my dad's death and I genuinely am traumatized because I was just finally easing my ptsd from dad and now have it from my baby boy, my son, my soul... I probably am making zero sense.

Hug your loved ones, anyone actually reading this... Hug them and tell them you love them every chance you get. Say it over and over - it doesn't cheapen it. Not if you mean it. Whether your loved one is a fur baby or a human, related or a friend or whatever... fucking love them and let them know it every second you can because anyone can get taken from you in a moment. And you'll be left cursing every millisecond of wasted time.

[carronpatrick]

9 years was too short, my baby. I keep waiting for you to give me sweet kisses and cuddle for a nap. I don't know how to do this. Mommy loves you so so much, my baby boy. You were the best boy. I love you so much.

[carronpatrick]

[240411] @OfficialMonstaX Twitter Update

📢 I.M OFFICIAL MD 냥균🐈‍⬛💜 COMING SOON 🗓 판매 오픈 : 240412 11AM (예정) #냥균 #NYANGKYUN #IM #아이엠 #몬스타엑스 #MONSTA_X #MONSTAX

[carronpatrick]

Prayers, good vibes, whatever you believe in, please.

[carronpatrick]

Why is it so hard for my brain to reply to conversations? I have messages from @anxiousgirl @thevampywolf @frenchkisstheabyss @silv3rswirls and my little sister and a fucking ask from @moonhoures that I literally just remembered from last year but my brain just goes *error - cannot do this task* like. Bitch, when CAN we?! 😭 I know I'm on a new adhd med after being off for weeks because mine has a nationwide shortage and it's all been fucking with my brain but IT'S NOT THAT HARD. Right?! 😭😭😭

Also:

Cute floof ball (who is still having seizures, just not as bad and is currently fighting horrific allergies with me) as extra apology. 🥺

[carronpatrick]

these

fucking

allergies

will

kill

me

😭😭😭

[carronpatrick]

Baby, if you don't stop wearing $400 a bottle cologne, I'm gonna cry. It smells great and I love you, but PLEASE.