ceiteachol

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"So, how's the wife?"

"Ah yes, the old ball and chain."

"That's a little rude, don't you think?"

I pull out a wedding photo from my wallet and you see me at the altar across from a chain chomp with a pink bow.

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need a trip to m&s, but sadly on the wrong side of the atlantic

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"Would you look at that, mercury's in Gatorade."

"I don't believe in astrology."

"No, I mean there is a recall."

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French aristocracy in 1793

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my friend came to stay this week and my cat wasn't a big fan of having to share my attention

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best m/f dynamic is a flamboyant bisexual show-off desperately in love with an extremely practical girl who’s difficult to impress 🤩

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well yeah i have a pet hydra and it only has one head. i'm not going to cut its head off just to make it look cooler, you asshole. that's seriously unethical. and i'm not letting you cut its head off either. if you really want a hydra with multiple heads, you should go for a rescue- but if you want your pet to look cooler at the cost of its physical health, maybe you shouldn't get any kind of pet at all. no, the hydra's not for guarding my evil tower, it's my pet. have you ever heard of a pet? like a puppy or a kitty? you think i can't defend my evil tower by my self?

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i love drinking coffee

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You should never forget literally the best line in all of video games

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Puts my gun on the table everyone groans cuz it has to be used before the night is over and now everyone knows its act 1

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posts for people who hate freud: the sequel

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not the first person to say it but it is insanely funny to make a gacha about an infamous money pit like horse racing

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Irish people cutting onions:

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got chased by a skeleton but when they caught me they just gave me a kiss and hug. turns out it was an xoskeleton.