cereal-report

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Today on the #cerealreport WHO IS THE DAD OF THE DAD OF THE BASEBALL MAN?!?! IT IS THE GRANDPA OF ALL BASEBALL MEN. A boy sits down on an old man's lap. The boy asks, "Grandpa, when I grow up can I be The Baseball Man?" And the old man replies, "NO FOOLISH CHILD I AM THE BASEBALL MAN AND YOU ARE NOTHING YOU DONT EVEN HAVE YOUR OWN CEREAAAAAAL!" As the child's eyes tear up in the verbal blugeoning rained down upon him by the elderly, he makes a solemn vow that one day he will have his own cereal and also be THE BASEBALL MAN. The son of the great grandfather of the baseball man also vows that he will do everything in his power to crush the dream of the usurper and his various breakfast endeavors. Fates collide as the young try to eat the old and the old try to drown the young, and they are forced to team up to win at the baseball. But only one can win at cereal. And it's frosted flakes. And this is that.

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Today on the #cerealreport WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF!!! 🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) When i saw this in Jewel I squealed. Not just a new flavour, but a brand new cereal??? And it's just total trash?? I am in HEAVEN!

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This morning on the #cerealreport HAS CHEERIOS RUN OUT OF FLAVOURS YET? 🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) To me this tastes like regular Cheerios with strawberry Nesquik powdered on top, but Rob ate 2 bowls and then shoved dry fistfuls of it into his mouth as we walked down the street together. So like I dunno maybe it's good? What even is a good cereal anymore?? This whole gigantic box was like $2.50 so fuck it, buy this and feed it to your children.

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This week on the #cerealreport we are reminded of irrefutable truths. 🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) Trying new things. It's good right? Explore the world a bit, get some culture, learn about yourself in the process. Which brings us to our main story. WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO MAKE ANY OTHER CEREAL THAN CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH IT IS PERFECT AND YOU ARE A HEATHEN. But, you know, trying new things. Apple Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Got that appliness. Got that cinnamonoscity. The crunch. It's there. It's a good cereal. You could try it, I guess. But goddamn. Cinnamon toast crunch. Why anything else.

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This morning on the #cerealreport IT'S MID-JULY AND I HAVENT BEEN IN A BODY OF WATER YET!! 🌽🌽 (out of 6) Full disclosure: I hate blueberries in things, but Rob was unimpressed by this summer time treat. Dehydrated blübs and what I thought were lemon yogurt clusters, but turns out to be mystery bites of sugar we're all kind of a bummer in a usually good cereal. Still appreciate Special K churning out new flavs on the reg tho ❤️

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This morning on the #cerealreport HOW AM I HUNGOVER? I WAS NEVER EVEN DRUNK! 🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) I had 2 glasses of champagne and one glass of red wine over the course of 5 hours with plenty of food and water and this bowl of Berry Berry Kix is not going to cut it. I wish I were dead, I don't know how y'all binge drink every damn day. This cereal tastes like sweet corn balls and I'm pretty okay with that.

[cereal-report]

Today on the #cerealreport WHO IS THE BASEBALL MAN?!?! 🌽🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) "What is The Baseball Man?", you may ask. According to his marshmallows, he is a collection of stars, magic wand, pink Yodas, psychedelic triangles, and pizza ghosts. His toasted oats, however, suggest more. The baseball man is the man with two names. The Zobrist and The Zorilla. The Ben With Two Backs. His edition features a baseball maze that if run would surely result in expulsion from the sport. And his loose affiliation with a team than may have won a championship in 2016 will ensure that his legend is passed down from excitable jock nerd to bored captive audience for decades to come. The Baseball Man is the cereal, and the cereal is not that bad.

[cereal-report]

A special Friday night edition of #cerealreport MILKSHAKE CEREAL 🌽🌽 (out of 6) For the price of an entire box of Lucky Charms you can get this abomination of a milkshake from Burger King. Also Mac and Cheetos are BACK at BK and those are legit 🔥

[cereal-report]

This morning on the #cerealreport ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST! 🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) This is a crunchy strawberry milkshake and I ate 2 whole bowls in about 30 seconds. Only problem with this cereal is the white washed ice cream fun-facts on the back of the box. Fuck you General Mills!

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This morning on the #cerealreport THE GODS HAVE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!! 🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽(out of 6) One of the things I love most about the Cereal Report is finding totally insane candy-for-breakfast boxes like these. There's a real cool underwater theme to the marshmallows because fuck it, why not?? Rudie approved 🐕

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This morning on the #cerealreport THE LAST CLASSIC CEREAL???? 🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) We've been putting this cereal off because neither of us wanted to eat an entire bowl full of the bad part of Lucky Charms, but it wasn't actually terrible. Plus, we had a pretty great time trying to spell words ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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This morning on the #cerealreport YOUVE HAD THE STICKS! NOW TRY THE FLAKES! 💩💩💩💩 (out of 6) Last night I threw a BBQ and when my back was turned one of the dogs ate 6 hot dogs in like under a minute. I was so impressed that I wasn't even mad, but for real we're in our 30s now guys, we should eat more fiber.

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This morning on the #cerealreport I WENT SHOPPING ALONE AND BOUGHT ANTI-FEMINIST PROPAGANDA 🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) The Little Mermaid is arguably the greatest Disney movie ever, but this whole line of Disney Princess cereal is total bullshit. It's strawberry flavoured Lucky Charms and it brings us very little joy (half of the corn rubric is joy the other half is taste).

[cereal-report]

Today on the #cerealreport TRANS WHEAT MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN TRANS HUMAN 🌽🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) While we believe grains are a spectrum, and gender is a construct, it turns out Kashi supports farmers transitioning from conventional to organic and in the first 3 years they typically take a huge loss, so good job Kashi! Plus this cereal tastes great!!! It lost a corn for being my least favourite texture - fuck you mini wheats! Yeah I went there.

[cereal-report]

This morning on the #cerealreport FLUFF DOG EDITION!! 🌽🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) It's rare and that Rob and I disagree on a cereal rating, but he LOVED this and I hated it. We compromised with a 4 corn rating because that's how good relationships work. Oh also HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, HEATHER! love your son, Rudie. (at Chicago, Illinois)

[cereal-report]

Today on the #cerealreport STOP TRYING TO MAKE BANANA HAPPEN 🌽🌽🌽 (out of 6) There were 2 other flavours of Great Grains, but I fucked up and bought the banana one. What's worse is that it SMELLS AMAZING - such disappoinment!!! Every week I walk the cereal aisle at the grocery store and panic that we've reviewed every cereal, but then I spot a box of garbage banana nut muffin bullshit and think, "it will never end as long as people keep thinking they can make banana taste good" Hi Rob! I love you ❤️ (at Pizza Castle)

[cereal-report]

This evening on the #cerealreport SORRY ITS SO LATE EVERYBODY!!!! 🌽🌽 (out of 6) You know sometimes the weather goes from 70 and sunny to 30 and monsoon and you just don't want to go to the grocery store to get cereal, so you GrubHub some Indian food and worry about the report tomorrow. This is from the fancy health food store and tastes like it 😑